The Time Until

by Casey Ford

  “Quentin and Arianna are a couple now,” I say with a small smile. It vaguely crosses my mind that she’s already seen them together, but I don’t care. I just want to talk to her, hoping my voice registers in the dreamlike world she’s living in right now. “I know you’d want to hear about that. They make an odd couple, but strangely it works for them.” A tear runs down my cheek from underneath my eye patch, more follow from the other eye. No sobbing or wailing. No crying or weeping. Just an outward display of the inner most emotion I’m feeling. Frustration and despair.

  “Ethan came by and stayed in the room with me for a night. He told one of his classic stories about one of his most recent adventures, it’s hilarious and I can’t wait for you to hear it.” My words hesitate at the wall in my windpipe. I use my hand to wipe the frustrated tears from my cheeks. I wish Sam would react to me talking to her so at least I know she’s okay. I feel like I’m talking to a wall – or a grave stone. I hear you can feel better by doing that, but I’m not talking to a wall or a grave stone. I’m talking to a living breathing human that is incapable of answering back at the moment. The frustration of knowing she’s here in front of me but not able to react is enough to send more discouraged tears from my eyes.

  “You remember how well Ethan can tell a story. I was laughing so hard my hurts hurt,” I croak. I swallow the lump.

  “I don’t know if he told you when he was in here but Ethan has a new lady he likes. I know, I know. But this one seems different. I think it might actually last this time. No more Halo therapy for me and no more long talks with ex-girlfriends for you. I have my fingers crossed and everything.” I smile through the tears. I really do hope it works out for Ethan this time. It’s been too long and he’s due for a happy ending.

  “The gang is going to take me Sidetrack tonight. They seem to think I need a breather. Maybe they’re right.”

  I pause for a long time thinking about more to talk about and coming up empty. I’m not used to talking to Sam about stuff like this. Sam has always just known what’s going on, no explanation necessary. Sam is such a big part of my life and she’s always just been there.

  It’s hard holding back the tears when I think about the reason I have to do this now.

  “I’m not sure I’m doing this right. You’ve always just been there and never really needed a play by play like this. It hurts. It hurts so much seeing you like this.” My cheeks grow wet as I give up trying to hold myself back. I take a deep calming breath.

  “I’m not sure I’m strong enough for this,” I whisper and sob softly into my hands until my eyes dry up.

  Time to confess my shortcomings.

  “So, I went to that guy’s arraignment today. That was a total waste of time. He only got a slap on the wrist.” Just thinking about it is enough to get my blood boiling again. I take a calming breath, using Sam’s familiar features to help, and calm down before continuing.

  “I nearly jumped him when the sentence was read out loud. I guess I should have thought about it a little, since I would probably be in jail right now if not for Ethan and Quentin. It was definitely not one of my finer moments.” I wish I had acted a little more grown-up in the courtroom earlier. I could have been the better man and let it go in hopes that there will be another way to make him pay. Instead, I bubbled over and made a spectacle of myself. It’s not that I actually stopped to think about what I was doing; in fact, my mind was pretty much in la-la land smoking a blunt and sipping a piña colada on the beach.

  My emotions had full run of the chassis.

  Sam doesn’t even react to my speech and I that makes me even more depressed about everything. She always used to have a comment about what I had to say, no matter how mundane. I find myself longing for that Sam to come back to me. The frustration of talking to this Sam is getting too much to bear.

  She doesn’t grip my hand when I grab hers.

  She doesn’t react to my touch on her face anymore.

  She’s lying in bed without moving.

  She’s not talking about every little thing that happened to her during the course of a day.

  She’s not looking at me with her beautiful chocolate brown eyes.

  Her magnificent auburn hair is butchered and gone.

  She has tubes and wires growing from almost every possible place on her body.

  I can’t get her to wake up.

  It’s just too much for me. I can’t hold on anymore. The pain I feel looking at her swells bigger than my heart and lungs, forces itself up my throat and out my mouth. The sob is deep and painful. Tears stream down my face as my body is rocked by my sobbing. I once again clench my teeth to keep from wailing.

  “Wake up, Sam. Please wake up,” I sob with her hand to my forehead, praying that she listens to my plea.

  Desperate.

  “I can’t do this without you,” I sob more. I lean in close to her face. “It hurts so much seeing you like this.”

  “Please wake up,” I ask softly into her ear, “please.”

  During my breakdown, I failed to hear the nurse walk back into the room. I catch a glimpse of her out the corner of my eye as I go back to sitting in my seat. She wipes tears from her face and tries to smile for me.

  Strangely, I appreciate the effort.

  Feeling the need to touch her one more time, I reach over and move a stray bandage out of her face. In that instant, her face flinches slightly. My heart leaps into my throat and my breath catches.

  Did I really see her do that?

  It was the slightest of movements, easily mistaken for something else. I look at the nurse and she’s smiling at me. Did she see the movement?

  “Did you see that?” The nurse looks at me with a smile and nods. My heart starts galloping in my chest. Should I call someone? Is this it? Is she waking up?

  The nurse sees the look on my face.

  “This is only the beginning,” she explains, “she’s still asleep. The flinch was a reflex, nothing more. She’s not out of the woods yet.” I look at her in defeat. That’s it? She’s not waking up; it’s just an involuntary movement? My heart plummets into my stomach. I turn to face Sam as I plead with her in my mind to wake up as the nurse looks at me with sympathy.

  “Let me tell you this though,” I slowly turn toward her.

  “The fact that she flinched at all is a good sign. Hopefully in the coming days and weeks we’ll see more signs of life from her,” she pauses.

  “She hasn’t moved like that since the surgery, so think of it as a start to something more,” she says. “Something better,” she whispers. I slowly nod my head without taking my eyes of Sam’s face.

  The nurse gives me a small, sad smile and leaves the room with a soft click from the door closing. I take her hand again and kiss her fingers softly.

  Chapter Twenty

  4 Years Ago (Age 16): July

  Today is my sixteenth birthday. I’ve been alive for 16 years and 11 of those have been with Sam, though lately we haven’t talked at all. She’s around here somewhere, with Caleb.

  My parents actually gave me free reign of the house this afternoon. They took my nine-year-old sister, Jennifer, to the water park, leaving my brother in charge. I have to admit they’re the coolest parents I know. So, all my friends are trashing my backyard. We have a pool, though it’s not an in-ground like Quentin has. My dad bought an above ground pool and built his own deck around it. It’s not as cool as an in-ground, but it’s nowhere near as expensive.

  Arianna is dunking Quentin in the pool, I’m pretty sure he said something stupid again. Ethan is, of course, hitting on the girls sunbathing on the deck. It’s working out for him since they’re giggling at the attention. Katelyn is gone — or at least she’s not right next to me. The rest of the ‘guests’ to my party are no names and people I barely know. You can’t have a high school party without inviting the entire student body. It helps that they all know my name — even if I don’t know theirs. It makes inviting them easier.

  It’s socia
l suicide to have an empty party.

  I decide that standing here watching everyone is boring and go looking for Kate. Putting my drink on the patio table as I go into the house, I look around for her. I eventually find her with a group of people crowding the downstairs bathroom. I come up behind her and place my hand on her back.

  “What’s going on?” I ask her. She — and a few others there — quickly hush me. I swiftly cover my mouth and wonder what’s happening. Katelyn points at the door with a wickedly smug grin on her face — she looks entirely too satisfied. Her face reminds me of her ‘special gift’ she gave me for the party interlude. Best damn blowjob I ever had — first one I ever had. I snap out of my delusion at the sound of soft thumping from the bathroom.

  I position myself closer and place my ear near the door.

  “Oh my god,” the female voice comes through the wood of the door. My eyes instantly go large as I recognize the voice.

  Sam.

  “You like that don’t you,” that was not a question, but a statement. There is little moan sounds coming from inside and a stronger thumping than before — like something hitting the wall.

  With each thump, I can feel my heart shatter a little more.

  “Don’t stop,” she sounds like she’s really enjoying herself, breathless and dazing. Caleb grunts in satisfaction and I feel like my world is crashing around me.

  I know they probably have been doing this for a while since they have been dating for a long time, but somewhere in the back of my mind, I think I always hoped that she hadn’t. With all of the crazy fantasies playing in my mind about what’s probably going on in that room, I feel like I’m going crazy. I want to hit something — Caleb preferably.

  I settle for making a hasty retreat from the area.

  “You’re so fucking hot!” is the last thing I hear from the bathroom as I collapse into a lawn chair in the backyard. The oblivious people continue to play in the pool and casually carry on around me. The noise and bustle fades until all I can hear is my breathing and heart beating. I feel like my heart has been ripped from my chest. It physically hurts me to think about what I just heard and the possibility it holds.

  I cover my face with my hands in an attempt to keep from breaking down.

  “What’s wrong lil’ bro?” James asks me as he walks up. I look up at him and his face falls immediately into a look of concern and compassion. He looks around for someone and, obviously not finding her, turns back to me.

  “Where’s Sam?” he asks. It’s funny he would ask about her, almost like he knows this about her. I drop my eyes and point to the house.

  “In the bathroom,” I tell him, “with Caleb.” James crouches next to me and drapes an arm over my shoulders, giving them a little squeeze.

  “I’m sorry, Al,” he comforts, “but you had to know that was going on.” I nod my head from under my hands. I eventually look up when I hear someone else coming up. I almost hope it’s Sam, but know it’s not. Kate walks up to me with her smug look gone. She seems to be genuinely concerned from me.

  “I just wanted to believe that it wasn’t,” I admit to him. “I was delusional in giving myself false hope.”

  “How pathetic is that?” I degrade. Kate drops to her knees in front of me and places her hands on my knees. She looks into my eyes, sympathy radiating from her.

  “You are not pathetic,” she refuses, “you were in love, nothing more.” She pauses briefly. James gives my shoulders another squeeze reminding me he’s there for me. Just like always.

  “Listen to her bro,” James says with a teasing smile, “she’s smarter than you.” I let out a sad laugh and an agreeing nod at his joke. Kate waits until we’re done.

  “I always knew that Sam was the one,” she admits and looks down in thought.

  “But I also know that I have been given a place in your heart as well.” She licks her lips nervously.

  “That’s why, right now your heart feels like it’s breaking, but it’s not going to completely shatter.” She looks me in the eyes again: determined.

  “My portion of your heart won’t let it.”

  I can feel the tears prickle my eyes. She is too good for me. Even now, she’s with me and trying to help me.

  She even knew that I still loved Sam more than her.

  All walls between Katelyn and myself broke down at that moment.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Present Day

  The music in The Sidetrack is too loud and the place is too crowded. The lights are flashing in obnoxious ways and I think I might actually have a seizure from them. Once again, my friends have left me at the table in order to enjoy themselves on the dance floor. Quentin and Arianna look annoyingly cute dance together. Ethan looks a little uncomfortable dancing with the two girls he happened to be dancing near him. He keeps sneaking glances to the woman at the bar in the back.

  How the hell did I let my friends talk me into coming here?

  I don’t even like to dance.

  The music can only provide a momentary distraction from the murderous thoughts in my head. Stanton was carted off to serve his ‘sentence’ — hah! — and all I wanted to do was beat his face into a bloody pulp.

  I haven’t told anyone about what happened at the hospital today. I tell myself it’s because I don’t want to get their hopes up — like mine were — but the truth is most likely I just want it to be my and Sam’s little secret. She probably has no idea she even did it and I’m truthfully being delusional, but I want it to be something between us. It’s something that binds us and connects us.

  Maybe it’ll help her find her way back to me.

  Wishful thinking.

  “Hey, man, what the hell you doing moping back here?” Quentin asks me as Arianna heads to the bar to get a drink. Ethan walks up behind them, followed by the two girls. Ethan tries to shoo them away, but can’t seem to get his point across to them — they obviously can’t take a hint. He gives me a shrug when he sees me roll my eyes at them.

  “I’m going to go talk to Lauren,” Ethan announces, completely ignoring his unwanted entourage. I wave my hand at him, giving my silent agreement. He nearly bounces away like a five-year-old at Disneyland. I almost laugh aloud at the image and how close it matches the reality.

  “You haven’t answered my question,” Quentin scolds. Arianna walks up with two drinks and hands one to him. I look at my half-drunk glass and debate with myself on where to start and how much to tell.

  “I’m still a bit pissed about this morning,” I acknowledge. Quentin must have filled Arianna in since she’s nodding her head. Quentin just looks at me for a moment. With a sigh, he finally breaks eye contact and takes a drink.

  “Maybe tonight was a little too soon for you.”

  Finally, he gets it. I’m totally not ready for this kind of partying. Though getting out of the house and hospital is a nice feeling, there are entirely too many people around me right now. It’s a bit suffocating. I nod my head at him.

  “I think so,” I tell him, “I think I’m gonna go home for now.”

  “Hold on, we’ll come with you.” Arianna starts to gather up her purse and Quentin starts to head off to tell Ethan. We took two cars since Arianna and Quentin met Ethan and I here, but I still don’t want them to cut their night short for me. I was just going to go home and try to calm myself down.

  “You don’t have to leave if you guys still want to stay,” I tell Arianna. She smiles at me.

  “Al,” she says sweetly, “you’re our friend; of course we’re going to be there for you.”

  That makes me feel all fuzzy and warm inside. Quentin comes back Ethanless. Ethan drove me here earlier so without him I have to catch a ride with Quentin and Ari. Not that it’s a bad thing if that happens, just a bit disappointing.

  “Ethan says he’s going to walk Lauren to her car and then meet us in the parking lot,” he explains looking a little upset. I nod my head, knowing all about Lauren. I hope things go well for him. This information also
makes me feel better about leaving. I have his keys so I’ll just wait in the car for him to be gentlemanly.

  “So that’s Lauren?” I ask trying to look over Quentin’s shoulder. She’s a definite beauty, a little older than Ethan, maybe about three or four years older. I smile to myself for them.

  They look good together.

  “Alright,” I finally ask, “ready to go?”

  I follow Quentin and Arianna out of the club, which means passing through the dance floor. We’re about halfway through when someone grabs Ari by the arm and pulls her to him. He starts grinding and bumping on her drunkenly.

  He has a beer bottle in his hand.

  Arianna tells him to leave her alone and even tries to push him away. He takes it the wrong way and grabs her hands, suggestively guiding them down his body. Ari looks disgusted. Quentin goes to stop his disgusting display when the drunk reaches around her and grabs her ass. Arianna squeaks and reacts reflexively.

  She puts her steel-toed boot into his groin with full force.

  The drunk drops to the floor and the commotion stops the dancing in the immediate area. I’m almost rolling on the ground laughing while Quentin has a ‘proud father’ grin across his face. The drunk’s friends help him up and glare at Ari. She doesn’t even flinch.

  “Keep your drunk ass hands to yourself,” she yells. The drunk groans.

  “You bitch! After you obviously asked me to dance with you…” He groans again and seems on the verge of passing out.

  How the hell is this guy still allowed in the club?

  “Hey!” Quentin takes a step in front of Arianna. I actually think it’s a little late for heroics — since she obviously knows how to take care of herself — but Arianna doesn’t seem upset about the action.