by Kelly Myers
I turn towards my closet and grab the neatly folded T-shirts. “Here’s your stuff. I don’t remember, was there anything else you wanted to pick up?”
Logan blinks as if he’s surprised to see the T-shirts. He takes them without really looking at them and then places them on my kitchen table.
“I’m sorry I didn’t respond to that email a few weeks ago, I’ve been pretty busy.” I leave it at that, even though Logan looks curious about what I’ve been busy doing. I’m not about to go into the details of my torrid affair with David.
“Oh, I forgot all about that email, don’t worry about it.” Logan pulls a chair out from the table and sits down. “Will you sit with me for a sec?”
I’m confused. If this isn’t about the email or picking up his stuff, why is he here?
I cross to the table and sit down across from him. He leans forward and gazes into my eyes with an intensity that almost makes me nervous.
Suddenly, I know what this is about. He’s going to officially tell me about his new girlfriend. He doesn’t realize I’ve seen her on social media (I’m always careful to never like any photos). Or it’s just gotten more serious. My stomach drops as I consider the possibility he’s engaged. That would be awful. It would be the perfect way for him to spread salt in my wounds. He was with me for three years and just couldn’t commit, and now he’s with this new girl for a few months, and is ready to walk down the aisle.
My eyes flash to his finger, then I curse my stupidity. He wouldn’t be wearing an engagement ring, she’s the one who is probably admiring Logan’s grandmother’s ring right this minute.
I take a breath and steel myself for the blow. It’s classy, I suppose, for Logan to come tell me in person. He’s being the bigger person and doing the decent thing. I can be mature about this. I won’t get upset just because he’s moved on.
“Elena, I miss you.” Logan keeps his eyes clapped on me and lets the startling words hang there in the air between us.
I frown. If he’s trying to tell me he’s engaged to someone else, this is a strange way to start. “Excuse me?”
“I made a mistake,” Logan says. “I was crazy to break up with you when what we had – it was perfect! I thought I wanted to explore, but that was absurd, and I’m so sorry.”
I have the strongest urge to pinch myself. This has to be a dream. How else would Logan be sitting in my kitchen (not two hours after making love to David in my office) and saying the exact words I’ve been dying for him to say for the last six months?
“I just don’t understand,” I whisper. “Where is this coming from?”
“Elena, I know it will be hard for you to forgive me, but I’ll do anything.” Logan grasps my hand, and muscle memory more than desire induces me to curl my fingers around his hand. “I was crazy to end things, absolutely insane. Us together was so good and so right, and I want you back.”
I note that he hasn’t actually answered my question. How did he come to this startling epiphany? I’m willing to bet it’s not a flattering story. Logan is an expert about not talking about things that embarrass him. When we were dating, he used to hate being teased. I stopped making any jokes at his expense, but Beatrice refused to kow-tow. Logan hated hanging out with her, and it was one of the reasons we didn’t spend so much time with my friends.
I pull my hand out of his grip and stare down at the table. When I look back up, Logan has a confused expression on his face.
I realize that he came here expecting me to jump into his arms. He knew he would have to apologize and grovel and say certain things, but once he was done with his little speech about how perfect we were together, then he thought I would toss aside all my pain and kiss him and love him forever.
And maybe, if he had shown up here a few weeks ago, I would have. I was so lonely and hurt and desperate to be with someone who made me feel safe again, I would have forgiven and forgotten.
I cringe. What does that say about me that a person who claims to love me expects me to behave like a doormat all the time?
David wouldn’t want me to be a doormat. With David, I’m not a doormat. Even though we are new, I say what I feel and think instead of demurring and letting someone else take the lead. I have to state my mind. Things with David are too important; his kids are too important. The stakes are too high for me to just roll over and do whatever.
“Elena, baby, what’s wrong?” Logan’s gentle voice startles me from my thoughts.
I look up and meet his concerned gaze. He’s back to using terms of endearment I guess. He’s surprised I’m putting up a resistance, but he still thinks this is all it takes. He thinks we will be back together by the end of this conversation.
Do I want that? My head spins as I mull over the question. Do I want to get back with Logan?
He’s so different from David, but the option of Logan has its appeal. There’s less risk for sure. There are no children to worry about. No age gap to raise eyebrows. We would have our own children, on our own terms.
But will Logan be a good father? Will he be the best life partner for me? When we were together, I would have answered yes to both questions without hesitating.
I’ve seen up close what a good father looks like now, and I’m not sure Logan has the right qualities. A father needs to be steady as a rock. It takes commitment. Logan changes his mind about everything, not just me. How can I be sure he won’t be up and down about kids?
As for his suitability as my life partner, I really don’t have an answer for that. We were happy together, I know that for sure. That happiness just turned to agony so quickly. All because he decided to jump ship and leave me for greener pastures.
Which reminds me of the smiling petite brunette from his recent photos. What exactly has happened to her? Why has Logan grown so tired of exploring his options and living his life to the fullest?
“She broke up with you, didn’t she?” I turn to Logan, and the way he blinks and retracts his head like a turtle trying to duck into a non-existent shell is incredibly satisfying.
“What?” he asks.
“The girl from your Instagram posts.” I try to keep my tone neutral when I talk about her. I don’t want Logan to think I’m hysterical or wild with jealousy. It’s easier to maintain a flat tone than I thought. “She ended things, didn’t she? And now you’ve come running back to me as if I’m your security blanket.”
“Things with Sophie didn’t work out for a lot of reasons.” That’s classic Logan, smoothing all the details away and throwing a blanket of generalization over it. “The important thing is that I realized how great you are. I realized that you’re the one for me, and I was an idiot to doubt that.”
“Do you really think we were that perfect?” I ask.
Logan blinks in surprise once again. He’s not frustrated by all my questions. Logan can be patient. It’s clear he just didn’t anticipate my having any questions.
“Elena, we were amazing, and I don’t know why I stopped appreciating you,” Logan says. “My friends and my family, they all told me I was making a mistake. I didn’t wanna hear it back then, but they all said I was crazy to let you go.”
That does give me a jolt of satisfaction. I knew Logan’s parents loved me. I spent a few holidays and long weekends with them, and I always wondered what they thought of our break-up. As for Logan’s friends, I was under the impression that they were the ones encouraging him to try the single life again so they could all go out on the town together. But maybe once he was single, Logan realized it wasn’t all fun and games, and his friends admitted the truth: most single people are looking for someone to come home to.
I stand up. I’m not going to look at his eager face any longer as he waits for me to throw my arms around his neck and sob in relief.
“Logan, I need to think about all this,” I say. “I just need some time to process, ok?”
“Of course.” Logan stands up as well. “I understand this is coming out of nowhere.”
I start to walk to
wards the door, but Logan grabs my arm. He pulls me towards his chest and wraps his arms around me.
And all of a sudden, the clock goes back. I feel like it’s a year ago. Logan doesn’t think I’m boring yet, and he doesn’t want to explore other options. He wants me. We have a bright future together. Everything is easy and simple, and there’s no place I love more than Logan’s arms. His head is just above mine, and I tip my chin back to look up at him. Slowly, his mouth descends towards mine, and he places a kiss on my lips.
Chapter Twenty-Five
As soon as his lips touch mine, I yank back.
It’s not that the kiss is bad. Logan’s kisses are simply perfect.
It just feels wrong to kiss two men on the same day. Obviously, David and I are not together, but even so, earlier this afternoon, he was kissing me like I was the only woman in the world. I can’t turn around and kiss someone else only a few hours after that.
I turn away from Logan and stride to the other side of my studio, as far away as I can get. Since it’s a tiny apartment, it’s not that far, but it will have to do. I whirl around and face Logan.
“I’m sorry,” he says. “I just missed you.”
“I missed you too.” It’s the truth. I’ve missed Logan. I’ve spent nights crying myself to sleep on the bed behind me. I’ve missed him so bad.
But now that he’s here, I’m wondering if I missed him, or if I missed the security and comfort of being with him.
The idea of kissing him again – it’s not repugnant. His kisses are nice. But the sight of his lips don’t set me on fire with yearning.
Logan takes a step forward, but doesn’t get any closer at the look I flash at him. He can tell my guards are up. He doesn’t know why, but I’m holding back from him.
Logan drops his gaze to the floor. “Is there someone else?”
I want to say no. I want to tell him to mind his own business. I don’t want to talk about David, not with him. David belongs to me and me alone. I need to sort out this issue, even though it feels like just thinking about the two men is going to make my head explode.
I can’t lie though. I have to tell the truth.
“I did meet someone,” I say.
Pain flashes across Logan’s face, and for the first time today, I’m angry at him. How dare he feel injured by my meeting someone new? He’s the one who didn’t want me. And he wasted no time at all finding other love interests. He has no right to be offended by me trying to grasp at some hope for happiness with someone else.
“So, you have a boyfriend?” Logan asks.
I purse my lips and look out the window to avoid eye contact. “It’s complicated.”
I glance back at Logan and watch as his posture relaxes. He knows that I’m the type of girl who craves serious and long-term commitment. He knows I don’t do complicated things. Or I haven’t done that before.
In short, Logan knows that if the guy is not my official boyfriend, then he’s not a serious contender. I have to agree with him. Even after the scene in my office today, David is still a long-shot.
“Elena, I’m all in,” Logan says. “I didn’t appreciate you before, but now I do. I want to go all the way with you. You’re the one for me.”
They’re pretty words, and Logan believes in what he’s saying. I was a good girlfriend. I was attentive and helpful, and we did have a nice physical connection. I have no doubt that Logan realized not every woman is as loving as me. That’s nothing against other women. It’s just the truth. I was the best girlfriend Logan could have asked for, and he still threw me away like rotten bananas.
I know he probably has changed. He’s not a fool, and he’s not cruel even if he acted in a cruel manner. He just made a mistake, and I have no doubt he would appreciate me more if we got back together.
I try to picture my life if we got back together. I know how all my friends would react. Marianne would sigh and act like it was the greatest tragedy. Beatrice would make snarky jokes at any opportunity. Zoe would keep her mouth shut, but a world of judgment would emanate from her eyes.
They would get used to it I suppose. If I insisted Logan was what I wanted, they would eventually come to terms with it.
And I would get my old life back. I would come home from school and share a dinner with Logan, and then we would cuddle up together and watch a movie. We would have breakfast together in the morning and then head off to work.
At school, I would still see Amy. And that would make me think of David. But I would never dare approach David, not if I was with Logan. I would lock up all my David-Affiliated Emotions in a little box and shove it to the corner of my brain.
That makes me sad. So sad that I know I can’t say yes to Logan, not right now anyway. I need to deal with how I feel about David first.
“Logan, I said I need to think,” I say. “Please, give me some time.”
“I will, of course.” He says he is willing to give me time, and yet Logan doesn’t actually leave. He remains standing in my apartment, as if I’ll all of a sudden make up my mind if he stares at me long enough.
It’s frustrating. And being frustrated with Logan is something totally new to me.
“I’m just not so sure we were as perfect as you say we were.” I cross my arms as I speak. “Or maybe we were perfect, but that doesn’t mean we will be.”
Logan looks confused, even though I’ve said nothing more bombastic than what he said six months ago, when he told me our relationship was a flat line, and he wanted something more exciting.
The thing is, he didn’t mean any harm. He didn’t want to hurt me, he was just telling the truth. I knew it at the time, and I know it now. Logan is not trying to play games or manipulate me.
He’s just like a little boy who broke his toy by accident. And for a while, he played with other toys, but now he wants the old toy back, and he’s trying to glue it back together, but he’s rushing through the task.
I lift my fingers to my head and rub my forehead. I can feel a headache coming on. It’s a combination of the stress of the week plus my erratic sleeping schedule plus the burst of adrenaline in seeing David and all the emotions that stirred up. And now Logan wants me back.
It’s my fault. I wished for this, didn’t I? All those nights I was alone in this tiny apartment, I wished I could just have Logan back.
I’ll never make any wish on a falling star lightly again.
I sigh and try to be as gentle with Logan as I can. “Please, I think you should leave. I’ll get back to you, ok?”
A flash of impatience crosses his face. As if he has any right to rush me after what he’s put me through.
“Who’s the guy?” Logan asks. “I haven’t heard anything or seen any photos, so who is it? And Why is it complicated?”
So maybe not impatience. Logan is jealous. He’s never been like that before. First of all, I’m not the type of woman who constantly draws attention. Logan didn’t need to worry that guys were always approaching me. It’s not that I’m ugly or anything. I know I’m pretty. I just don’t dress or act in a way to attract notice. That’s just not me.
“I don’t really feel like talking about that with you,” I say. “And it’s really none of your business. You broke up with me, remember?”
The last bit sounds more snarky than I meant it to, but Logan is really pushing my buttons with this sudden Toxic Masculinity Act.
“Is he married? Is that it?”
I reel back in shock. I cannot believe Logan would accuse me of getting involved with a married man. He knows how I feel about marriage. He knows I respect it. He knows I would never fall for a guy who cheated on his wife.
Does Logan think I threw all my values out of the window just because he dumped me?
He realizes at once that he’s gone too far. “Sorry, I didn’t mean that.”
“I can’t believe you just said that.” No more nice Elena, my voice comes out sounding stone cold.
Logan runs his hand through his straight blonde hair and shakes
his head. “I shouldn’t have, I just know I messed things up so bad, it drives me crazy.”
The worst part is, he wasn’t too far from the truth. David isn’t married, but he’s the type. He looks like a married man. And he may not be committed to a wife, but he is committed to his children.
My friends weren’t so surprised by my being attracted to an older man. Apparently, Logan as well suspects an older man is my type. It’s almost a little funny that I was the only one who was shocked and appalled to discover my penchant for an older man.
I shove that thought aside and take a deep breath. Logan has long outstayed his welcome. I will think over his request to get back together, especially since I’m not one to make snap decisions, but I can’t deal with all his angst right this moment.
“Logan, I am going to do some thinking this weekend,” I say. “And I promise I’ll get back to you, but I really would like you to go now.”
Logan nods and heads for the door. As he grips the door handle, he turns back. “Don’t take too much time, ok?”
He means well. He’s not trying to pressure or rush me. Even so, his words rankle. After what he’s put me through, I can take as much time as I like. In fact, I would be foolish to not take my time with this decision.
Instead of answering, I grab his T-shirts from the table and hold them out to him. “Don’t forget these.”
“Oh.” Logan accepts the shirts. “Right, thanks.”
He opens the door and looks back at me once more. His deep brown eyes are wide and filled with feeling. He seems to drink the sight of me in, from my head to my toe.
“I love you,” Logan says. “I never stopped.”
Then he’s gone.
I do feel something. Down in the pit of my stomach, I remember all the time I invested in Logan. All the genuine love I gave him. All the love I still feel for him. And to hear him say those words back to me, after I gave up hope he would ever return or feel the way he used to do, it does give me a pulse of satisfaction.
I wasn’t wrong to love him. I didn’t waste time. He still loves me. Or he still thinks he loves me.
