by Noah Harris
“I shouldn’t have kissed you like that,” Johnny admitted softly.
Ash chuckled. “Why?”
“You were trying to conceal us, not make a move. I shouldn’t have let…well, I shouldn’t have allowed myself to take it that far.”
Ash frowned. “But you wanted to take it that far?”
They were dancing around the main point, and Johnny could sense it wouldn’t be Ash who crossed the line. Ash was wary, not wanting to go too far, or push things beyond the point Johnny would be comfortable with. He was as scared of losing Johnny as Johnny was of losing him, and it was making the normally bold and forward man cautious.
Johnny glanced at the building. “Do we really have to do this here?”
Ash shrugged. “I think they’ll be a little while, and if you ask me, it might work to wait out here for them. They expect us to be in there, not out here. Give them an hour to search and I bet they’ll come out where we can get the jump on them.”
Johnny was sure it wouldn’t take an hour for their would-be ambushers to search the lower floor. They’d probably take more than a few minutes though, having to check and double check with all the masks people were wearing. Which gave them more than enough time to talk.
“Just talk to me Johnny,” Ash said.
The words were soft and inviting, and Johnny wanted so badly to give in to the allure. How many times had he wanted to fall back into Ash, taking the comfort of the man’s strength but inevitably refusing, standing on his own feet instead? Johnny supposed his stubbornness had given him a great deal of self-sufficiency in his life, but it had cost him just as much. Perhaps if he’d let himself fall into Ash and Ash alone, they wouldn’t have followed the paths they had. Maybe Johnny might have finally found a place in the Coven, with Ash by his side. There might have been a chance that he could have had everything he’d ever wanted, if only he’d been courageous enough to open up to Ash completely.
The thought had barely finished forming in his mind before he realized that if he’d done that, neither of them would have Kell. Kell who had been the first change in Johnny’s life, turning it around and making him want to improve it. Just as Ash had been a shining light in Johnny’s youth, Kell had been another beacon, one who illuminated the possibility of a brighter future. If it hadn’t been for Kell, Johnny might have eventually allowed himself to sink into his own misery and despair.
Ash frowned, stepping closer to Johnny. “I can’t read your thoughts very well, but I can feel what’s going on in that head of yours. Don’t run away Johnny, don’t hide. This is me you’re talking to, you don’t have to avoid me.”
Johnny’s head snapped up, annoyed with himself and frustrated with the whole situation. The first kiss, innocently meant, had brought up a whole mess of emotions and memories Johnny had buried deep. So long as he and Ash kept their sexual life and their close emotional bond separate, Johnny felt safe. But that one kiss had opened the door, and everything was pouring out, making his head spin and his gut clench.
If Ash hadn’t kissed him, then Johnny would have been fine. The door would have remained closed and his heart would’ve been content. Frustration built and wanted to lash out at Ash, demanding why he had to push it, why he had to toe that line. The kiss might have been tactical, but Johnny had felt Ash’s desire, the lingering effect of the dance. Maybe if Johnny hadn’t let himself go, going with the rhythm of the music and wanting to show off, he wouldn’t have drawn out Ash’s surprising desire. They were both at fault, but Ash had been the one to step forward, take hold of Johnny and kiss him without warning.
Ash blinked, his expression wary as he sensed Johnny’s anger. Guilt flooded Johnny as he watched the man step back, separating himself from his anger. The anger at Ash wilted and Johnny looked away, ashamed at himself for having blamed his friend for even a moment.
Johnny sighed. “I’m sorry, my head is just an absolute mess at the moment. I was expecting to fight and argue with the Children and the Vigil, hell, even having to run and hide at times. I wasn’t expecting to have to face my teenage years all over again.”
Ash’s brow rose. “Your teenage years?”
There was no coming back from that statement, and Johnny slumped. “This is probably the worst time for this, though there was probably never going to be a good time. I would have been content to keep this to myself for the rest of my life, but I should know better, secrets have a way of coming out.”
“You’re not making any sense.”
Johnny took a deep breath. “The truth is, I was crazy about you when we were younger. If I’d stuck around instead of leaving, I might have even fallen madly in love with you. Maybe I was even then, or maybe it was just puppy love, I don’t know. But the fact is, no one ever made me feel the way I do about you, until I met Kell.”
Ash straightened, eyes widening. “You were…in love with me?”
“Yes, and there’s a very good chance those feelings still exist, and I refused to acknowledge it until that elevator ride.”
It was simple, bluntly stated, and Johnny could barely believe he’d been so honest. The kiss had opened the door to feelings Johnny had locked up, and by taking the first steps to admitting to them, Johnny felt he wanted to purge himself of all the pent-up memories and feelings.
“Honestly, if I look back, I’ve been holding myself back from the moment you showed up. At first, I was just…shocked, seeing you again. I didn’t expect it. I thought things were going to be awkward, that you were going to be mad at me, or barely speak to me at all after I left like that. Then things were so easy, so natural. We talked for so long that first night, not about anything between us, but just…talked. And it was wonderful, amazing, and even then, I felt the first stirring of those old feelings coming back.”
They had talked a little about their lives since they’d last seen one another. About their adventures, both dangerous and funny. Johnny had talked about Kell and what they’d gone through, both the good and the bad. Ash had talked a little about the war, and what he’d experienced on the frontline. They had talked well into the night, showing no sign of stopping until inevitably, the late hour had forced them to lay down for a few hours. Even when they woke up, they chatted lightly and easily over their steaming mugs of coffee.
“And when I realized there was something between you and Kell, I knew I should have been furious. Hell, I was confused why my wolf wasn’t furious, but I was also overjoyed that it wasn’t. At the time, I told myself I knew you weren’t trying to take him, and that Kell would never leave me anyway. That it was perfect, because you deserved to know the same happiness I did with Kell, and that it would be a flawless fit into our relationship. Looking back on it now, I think I was also excited, at the chance to have you, in any way I could.”
Ash and Kell must have thought they were so subtle, so hidden, but Johnny had seen right through it. He hadn’t needed his telepathy to see the draw between them, how badly they wanted one another. They’d gone through so much together in such a short amount of time, and Johnny could see the quick bond that had formed. He considered both of them to be magnetic, people you couldn’t help but like and fall for when you were around them too long. How easy it must have been for the two of them to want to fall into one another.
With that realization, he had spied possibility, and hope. If Ash and Kell were really a match, then it not only made them happy and fulfilled, but it meant never having to lose Ash again. If it meant holding on to the only two men Johnny had ever cared about, then Johnny would latch onto it.
“Then the months of being with you and Kell on the mountain was the best time of my life. I had my best friend and my mate with me, and I was happy with that, overjoyed even. If I had moments where I wished things were a little different, deeper, between you and I, well I could shove them aside and be happy with what I had. And then this.”
It was the crux of the entire situation, the moment that had his emotions whipping in several directions without warning. The
kiss that had lit him up, even though Ash had done it to save their lives and those of innocent people. The feel of Ash’s strong body pressed against his, the smell of him, like a lightning storm building in a young forest. It had sunk into his head, grabbing hold of his heart and groin, holding tight and making it impossible to focus on anything but Ash. When they’d ridden the elevator, all Johnny could smell was Ash, desiring the feel of his lips on his own, wondering if he might taste the drink Earl had made on his tongue.
And then he had done it, without thought, and without hesitation.
“You kissed me, and I realized I’ve been lying to myself this whole time. I never was going to be happy with how things were, it was always going to eat at me from some shadowy corner of my mind. But I could keep the lie up so long as things stayed like they were, even if I knew I wouldn’t be satisfied without an answer. That kiss, even though I know you didn’t mean it like that, it just dragged everything I’d locked away out into the open. While we were in the elevator I just…I was going crazy, not touching you, not kissing you again. So, I just did. I realize there’s no coming back from that, and now you know everything.”
When he finally stopped talking, he realized Ash was staring at him, utterly dumbfounded. If it wasn’t for the fact that Johnny had just spent the past several minutes pouring his heart out, he might have found Ash’s expression hilarious. He hadn’t seen Ash so wide-eyed and slack jawed in his life, and it would’ve been funny to see the normally charming and in control man at such a loss for words.
Instead, Johnny shrank into himself, suddenly more terrified of what was going to come out of Ash’s mouth than at any other time before. He hadn’t been this afraid when he’d told Ash he was going to choose the Pack, rather than stay with the Coven.
Johnny felt his voice quiver as he spoke. “Please stop staring at me like I just ran over your dog in front of you.”
Ash’s mouth snapped shut with an audible click. He shook his head and peered at Johnny with a more comfortable amount of surprise on his face. Johnny could almost see the thoughts running through his friend’s head and didn’t quite dare reach out and try to read them. Time seemed to stretch for far too long as he waited for Ash to say something, do something, anything to finally break the horrible wait.
Then Ash stepped forward, and Johnny braced himself. When Ash reached out, for one wild moment, Johnny thought Ash was going to hit him. Then Ash’s hand curled gently but firmly, around the back of his neck and drew him in. Shock and pleasure coursed through Johnny as Ash’s lips met his. For a moment, Johnny could only stand there, unable to move as his mind fought to make sense of what was happening.
The pleasure won and Johnny melted into the kiss. His body tingled with pleasure as he pressed himself against Ash. Like their dance, Johnny felt himself give in to the rhythm, syncing with Ash perfectly. Winding his arms around Ash’s back, he felt a thick arm slide around him, holding his hip and pulling him flush. Ash’s mouth opened and Johnny’s moved with it, their tongues dancing along one another playfully.
Ash took his time, deepening the kiss gradually as they both held on. Johnny felt them both go hard, pressing against one another until every slight movement sent shivers of pleasure through him. Ash moaned wantonly, his grip on Johnny’s neck tightening. Johnny felt himself being eased back, until his shoulders bumped against the wall of the townhouse. With the cool wall on his back, and the warmth of Ash in front of him, Johnny ground his hips forward, his body screaming for more.
Breaking the kiss, Ash pulled away, stroking Johnny’s face slowly. “Why didn’t you ever tell me?”
Breathless and wondering, Johnny laughed softly. “Because I didn’t know how you’d react. When we were young, you were all I ever had Ash, I couldn’t risk losing that, not for my own selfish feelings.”
“Your feelings aren’t selfish Johnny, they never have been. You’ve got to stop blaming yourself for every little thing and just learn to accept it. You weren’t wrong for how you felt, and I would’ve never stopped standing by your side, even if I hadn’t felt the same,” Ash whispered.
Johnny’s heart skipped. “You…felt the same?”
Ash smiled. “I guess I should have taken my own advice. I thought about kissing you for so long. One of my greatest regrets was that I didn’t tell you the truth before you left. I told myself that telling you might have kept you there.”
“It would have,” Johnny admitted.
“But then you wouldn’t have gone your own way, which you’ve always needed to do. Even then, I knew you had to walk your own path, or you’d never be happy. I wish your life hadn’t been so hard, and that you could’ve found so much more happiness along the way than you did. But looking back on things now, I think we both had to stand on our own for a little while.”
Johnny understood, even if the realization that he might have had Ash sooner broke his heart a little. Neither of them would be the men they were if Johnny hadn’t left, if he hadn’t chosen to walk his path alone. Ash might never have found his potential as a guardian and soldier, and Johnny would have probably been miserable, continuing to live under the oppressive thumb of the Coven.
And neither of them would have met and fallen in love with Kell.
Ash ran a finger along Johnny’s jaw. “And I wish you’d said something sooner than this. All those months in Maya’s domain, and you never even gave me a hint that you wanted more from me. I can’t tell you no, any more than I can tell Kell no.”
“There’s a difference between meaning it, and just going with it because you don’t want to tell me no.”
Ash smiled. “Did anything in that kiss feel forced, or like I was just going with it?”
Johnny’s cock stirred as he thought about the kiss, and the one he’d pursued in the elevator. Ash hadn’t been the slightest bit reluctant or stubborn, a little startled at first, but fully engaged.
Ash gripped Johnny’s chin. “I’ve wanted you for probably as long as you’ve wanted me. I kept my mouth shut because I didn’t want to risk losing you when we were young, and because you were already dealing with so much. I didn’t want to add to it, and this time around? I didn’t want to push you away by going too far. The way things have been is wonderful, and now, you’re telling me I can have the relationship with you I always wanted while we both have that with Kell at the same time? How could I say no to that?”
Johnny rested a hand on Ash’s shoulder, loving his strength. “Kell always did like to joke about seeing the two of us together.”
“And we always found a way to evade going through with it, didn’t we? We fooled around, we kissed, but we never committed to it, did we?”
Johnny snorted. “No, we didn’t. There was always that distance, making sure we did it just for Kell’s benefit and nothing more.”
Ash’s hand slid down Johnny’s neck. “But we don’t have to do that anymore, do we? We don’t have to hold ourselves back because we’re afraid and stubborn. We can finally have what we always wanted.”
With every word Ash spoke, his hand slid a little further down Johnny’s body. It caressed his collarbone and then over his chest. Fingers gently stroked the lines of Johnny’s stomach through his thin shirt before moving even further. Johnny’s breath caught as Ash’s hand stroked over his bulge, gripping it. A groan rumbled out of Johnny as Ash’s hand stroked back and forth, pleasuring Johnny through the thick denim of his jeans.
“We can be with each other, just like we’re with Kell,” Ash said, voice a low rumble.
Johnny arched his back, pushing his groin further into Ash’s grip. Using his arm around Ash’s back, he reached up to pull him down into another kiss. Immediately, the previously slow and patient kiss gave way to intense heat and desire. Ash pressed hard against Johnny, holding him tight against the wall as he continued to stroke him through his jeans.
Hungry for more, Johnny shoved his hand between them, mirroring Ash’s grip on him. Johnny moaned as his fingers gripped Ash’s cock, stro
king the considerable girth through his pants. He felt Ash’s fingers flex as Johnny ran his grip over the covered cock, his breath becoming sharp.
Neither witches nor werewolves were particularly shy about naked bodies, and Johnny had seen Ash’s body several times growing up, leaving Johnny trembling with curiosity and desire. Even after seeing Ash grown and naked, driving down into Kell hadn’t fully satisfied his hunger. Feeling the thick length through Ash’s pants drove him crazy, and he fumbled with the button and zipper, wanting, needing to feel it in his grip.
Ash eased his hips back, allowing Johnny easier access and Johnny leapt at the chance. They laughed softly as Johnny fumbled, until Ash had to reach down and undo the button himself. Johnny’s shaking fingers were more than capable of conquering the zipper however, and he worked it down carefully just in case Ash had gone underwear free. With the zipper gone, Johnny yanked at the edge of Ash’s pants, working them down until he could take hold of his boxer briefs and get them out of his way.
Johnny let out a sigh of relief and pleasure as the head of Ash’s cock came into view. Johnny slipped his hand past the band of Ash’s underwear, gripping the thick length. The silky-smooth skin of Ash’s cock was hot as Johnny took hold, maneuvering it free of the constraints of Ash’s clothing. A low moan escaped his lips as he felt it pulse with Ash’s frantic heartbeat, the tip glistening in the overhead light nearby.
Unwilling to waste any more time, Johnny eased to his knees. He looked up, finding Ash’s eyes wide, his bottom lip caught between his teeth as he eagerly watched Johnny. Running long, measured strokes along Ash’s shaft, Johnny relished the moment of having Ash to himself, the realization of his lifelong desire. They could work out the details further down the line, but for now, Johnny had to have Ash. Now.
