The Mess You Left Behind: An Enemies-to-Lover Romance
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“That doesn’t make it right.” And I wasn’t sure what I was referring to. The fact that they had kept this secret from me, or the fact that she had had an affair?
“Probably not. But your great-uncle died from cancer years before. I was widowed. I did not cheat.”
“How did this happen? My dad loved Erin.”
Something akin to pain flashed across her eyes. “You’ve been very busy, haven’t you? How much do you know?”
“Everything except your affair with my dad,” I said, my chin coming up, as if daring her to keep this one last secret to herself. After everything that I’d found out, this wasn’t the biggest one. But it was personal. And that made it even worse, that she could have been such a huge part of my life and still kept this from me.
That my grandpa had kept this from me.
She looked out the window, unable to meet my eyes. I didn’t care. I just wanted to know. I just wanted the secrets to stop.
Just stop.
Please, just fucking stop.
“The weeks after your father found out the truth about him and Erin were probably when he started using. At first, it was just alcohol. I believe he was trying to bury the pain. When that didn’t work, he found a dealer and got into the harder stuff. That’s what you were always curious about, right? When and how he got addicted to drugs? You always blamed them for him being a terrible father to you, I know.”
I didn’t say anything, but my hands curled around the edge of the desk in front of me. She looked at me then, only briefly, before turning away once more.
“It wasn’t all the time. There were moments when he was sober. He came to me during those times. Your father knew I loved him. Always had. That I never loved my husband, even if I had tried so hard to in the beginning. I tried to make my marriage into something real.” She shook her head slightly, lost in thought.
“My husband was a hard man to love. And your father was always there. During the times when my marriage was falling apart, your father was there to pick up all of my broken pieces and put me back together. To talk me out of doing something reckless. Our affair, for me, was about possibilities. About finally being with someone I truly wanted to be with. I was a part of the Caldwell family in name only. I had nowhere to go. I felt like an outsider in this huge castle, and I knew my father would never take me back.”
I looked down at the messy pile on the desk, then at the intricate pattern of the border on my birth certificate. After a moment, when neither of us spoke, I acknowledged what she’d said with a quiet “Okay.”
She took a deep breath and continued. “But for your father, it was about forgetting the only girl he had ever loved. He was using me to forget her. I should have known better. I should have guarded my heart, but I didn’t. A few months later, your father and grandpa got into a fight. They weren’t quiet, and suddenly all the hideous secrets your grandpa had tried so hard to hide came out. And I was forced to deal with my heartbreak and your grandpa’s deception quietly. Your father left the next morning, and we didn’t know where he went. I found out I was pregnant with you two weeks later.”
She smiled then, and took a step toward me. I moved back, and she paused. “Keep going,” I whispered.
“You spent your first year with me. I was able to hold you in my arms and rock you to sleep. To love you like the daughter I never thought I could have. But we couldn’t tell the world about you. How would we explain a little girl of mine who looked so much like Isaac Caldwell?”
“In the end, we didn’t need to. Your father found out about you and came to me. He took you away. And I had to let him. He didn’t care what others thought of him, but I couldn’t live with that kind of shame hanging over my head. The society we’ve submerged ourselves in is an unkind one. I just... So, I let him take you away.”
“You let him take me away because you were ashamed of me? I didn’t do anything! You had no fucking right to give me up because of your choices!”
“Oh, Emery, you have to believe me when I say I regretted the decision instantly. I was young, and I didn’t know what to do. I thought I was doing what was best for everyone.”
“Everyone except me,” I said bitterly. She gave me to my addict of a dad.
“I knew he was clean then. I really thought I was doing what was best for everyone,” she repeated, her eyes filled with tears. I ignored them. “For the next few years, I kept track of you and your father. I knew he didn’t have a lot, but it was enough. He was a good father. He provided for you. I even believe he loved you.”
I scoffed. “You have no idea the kind of shit he did that I still remember.”
She shook her head. “That was after. After Erin came to him when you were five. I don’t know what happened, but your father disappeared after that, and I couldn’t find him. I didn’t know where he had taken you.”
My tears spilled over my cheeks then, but they weren’t for her. They were for me. I had tried to be as unemotional as possible in my life. That was the way she’d trained me to be. She’d always told me I couldn’t break down until I was in my room, where the world couldn’t witness my weakness. And now I was letting her see me this way. And I didn’t know how to stop it.
Then she was right in front of me. I didn’t realize she had moved until it was too late. She tried to grab my hand but I pulled away.
“Your grandpa hired a private investigator, and we found you a few weeks after your sixth birthday. It was amazing. You hadn’t seen your grandpa in over a year, but you remembered him. That mind of yours. It has always been exceptional. You remember things and people when most would have forgot.” She closed her eyes and said softly, “But you didn’t remember me.”
I looked away. I didn’t have anything to say to that. She went on. “I had to reacquaint myself with you again. But you were so easy to fall in love with. I just wanted to keep you by my side. So I agreed to your grandpa’s terms. To let him be in charge of your well-being, your education, and everything in between. I would be no more than an objective observer in the raising of my daughter. It was easy for the courts to decide that you were better off with him anyway. So we brought you home. And I can’t regret any of it because it allowed me to be with you. I love you, Emery. Please, you have to believe me when I say that.”
I laughed then, my tears choking the sound. “You know that’s the first time you’ve ever told me that?”
“Baby, don’t my actions tell you?”
I shook my head. “That’s so fucking messed up. I have to figure out on my own whether or not you love me? It was fine as my aunt who shared no blood ties with me. But as my mom? You made the right decision, then, you know. My grandpa may have been a liar, but at least he could be affectionate.” She flinched, and I couldn’t bring myself to care. I was just angry. So angry, it drove my next words. “Who broke you? Who made you like this? Made you into this unemotional, unattached person?”
She grabbed my arms, but I shrugged her off. “Emery, please. Please forgive me.”
I wiped away the tears. “I need to go. Okay? To get away from you and all of these secrets that ruin people’s lives. Innocent people. You and Joseph left all of this mess behind, and me and Erin and my father and Wyatt... we have to pay for it. And I can’t stay here.”
I had to leave. I couldn’t stand being in this house.
I paused in my steps, my back to her. “I have to deal with the consequences of your actions as well as my grandpa’s. That’s all there is to it. That is all you’ve left me.”
Chapter Thirty-Six: Home
Wyatt
I’d made so many mistakes.
So many goddamn mistakes. I could say my arrogance was to blame. I’d truly believed having her love me would be enough to make her forgive me.
I’d thought the secrets I’d been keeping from her, the secrets that weren’t mine to keep in the first place, could wait until I had her trust.
I knew now that I should have told her everything that first night we met, and
then pursued her in the days after—that way, our relationship would have started off right. But I didn’t. And the more time I spent with her, the harder it had been to get those words out. Words that I knew would have devastating effects on her. Would change her whole perspective about the man who raised her as his own and loved her more than anything in the world.
I hadn’t wanted to be the one to destroy her view of Joseph Caldwell, and in the end, I didn’t have to. My aunt might have just done that, after Emery decided to go see her. And I knew Aunt Erin wasn’t gentle about it. She didn’t care for Emery.
She didn’t see the sweet and strong and brave girl I saw every day.
She didn’t see my Emery.
I knew she and Joey had gotten back to New York several hours ago. Would she even pick up the phone if I call her? Would she want to see me?
Would she ever forgive me?
It was dusk, the sky darkening overhead. I had a glass of scotch that I’d been nursing since I got home from work. I was so tired, yet the thought of going to bed, to the same bed Emery had lain on so many nights before, felt like nothing less than the sweetest torture. One I didn’t want just yet.
I was so lost in thought, I didn’t hear anyone at the door until the second hard knock.
My heart lost its rhythm for a moment, and then I couldn’t make my feet move fast enough.
I knew there was a chance it might not be her, but who else could it be at this hour? Please let it be her.
Please.
I opened the door to a puffy-eyed Emery. Her cheeks were red, her hair was a mess, and her skin was flushed, either from the cold outside or from the tears she’d obviously shed throughout the day.
My heart broke for her.
“Can I come in?” she asked.
I tried not to appear too hasty, widening the door for her.
She unzipped her red coat and flung it across the back of the couch, before taking a seat. “Would you like something to drink?” I asked her, so politely it almost fucking killed me.
We weren’t polite. We’d done things to each other that were downright rude, so full of desperate abandonment, it was hard to even entertain the thought that we might be nothing more than distant and polite acquaintances in the near future.
She nodded. I made her tea. It didn’t take long for the water to boil, and I wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or not. Did I want more time with my thoughts before I came back to her?
Was she here to end things? Had what I’d done been too unforgivable?
I didn’t know.
I poured the steaming water into a mug and brought it over to her. She didn’t take a sip, instead holding it close to her chest. I remained standing, unsure of what to do with my hands.
“Are you okay?” I asked quietly, leaning back against the wall and crossing my arms.
“When did you find out?” she asked quietly. She didn’t need to clarify. I knew what she was talking about.
“When I was sixteen. I found letters from your dad to my aunt. I didn’t know everything until I got to the last one. Before I left for college, I asked my aunt about it. I wanted to know because even when my aunt smiled, I knew she was sad. And I knew it was because of your dad... and your grandpa.”
“Is that what you used to blackmail him with? What did you want from him?”
I looked away. Was there a way for me to say it without sounding like the bastard I was? “I wanted him to give my aunt all that she was due. He didn’t have to acknowledge her, because she didn’t want to be acknowledged by him, but I wanted him to at least take care of her in the only way he knew how. With money.”
I looked back at her to see her eyes were closed, as if warding off the pain. “Did he agree?”
“Yes. He gave her a small fortune. She would never have to work a day in her life.”
A pause. And then she said, “Good.”
“But your grandpa was a businessman, and a good one at that. He didn’t give away anything for free. So I came to an agreement with him. I was never to tell you the truth about our deal.”
She looked at me then, the fire in her eyes coming alive. “Is that why you never told me?”
I shook my head. “Joseph is dead. I don’t think he ever meant for me to uphold that agreement, because he didn’t think there would be a chance we’d ever meet. But once we got together, I never planned to uphold that agreement. I wanted to tell you so many times, yet every time I opened my mouth, the words wouldn’t come.”
“You should have told me, Wyatt,” she said, breaking before my very eyes.
Unable to keep my distance any longer, I walked over to her, removed the mug from her hand, and held her close. She didn’t fight me.
“I’m so sorry, baby. I didn’t want to be the one to hurt you. I didn’t want to make you cry. To make you doubt yourself or change your view of Joseph. I knew how much you loved him; I knew how much you hero-worshipped him. And I didn’t want to be the one to put an end to all of that.”
She stood up. “I deserved to know!”
I nodded. If she wanted to scream at me or hurt me, I would let her. I deserved nothing less, and if it would make her feel better, I would be her punching bag for as long as it took to get rid of the hurt.
I stood up too, trying not to crowd her. “You did deserve to know. I made a mistake. I should have told you.”
“But you didn’t. You made me find out the truth from your aunt. And she hates me. She hates that I’m a Caldwell, and I can’t change that even if I wanted to. And I don’t. I still love my grandpa, Wyatt.”
“I know you do, baby. That’s not the problem. It never was.”
“You should hate me too.”
“I love you,” I said, and that was the truth. I loved her so much I could barely think, could barely breathe.
“I should hate you,” she said. I didn’t say anything to that. I wished it wasn’t the case. Please don’t hate me. Please love me.
“God, Wyatt! I’m so fucking angry. At you. At everyone. How could you let this happen?” And then she was in front of me, her fists pounding on my chest, and I stood there, taking it silently.
I let her hit me, let her hurt me in the ways I knew she was hurting. But that didn’t last long. It was as if all the energy had drained from her, and she collapsed against me. I wrapped my arms around her.
She cried then, burying her head in my chest. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have hit you. I’m sorry. Forgive me?”
I tilted her chin up and wiped away her tears. “Don’t you know by now? There isn’t a damn thing you could do in this world that I wouldn’t forgive. Not one damn thing.”
“I don’t hate you,” she said, her lips trembling. “I love you.”
“I love you too. Forgive me, Emery. For hiding everything from you.”
Her breath stuttered, and my gut clenched. Then she said softly, “You’re forgiven.”
And then I kissed her, and it was like coming home again.
I’d never felt like I belonged anywhere in the world. I had been adrift for most of my life, until I felt her lips against mine that first time and every time after. Until that first moment when we shared the same breath and I took her soft lips with mine, and knew everything would be okay as long as I had this girl in my arms.
She was my home.
***
That night, we shared everything.
I told her all of the secrets I had kept from her, and she told me about confronting her mother.
“Did you know?” she asked me.
“That Helen was your mom?” I felt her nod where her head was resting on my chest. “I suspected it for a long time, but it was never confirmed to me. I don’t think anyone knew the truth, except for your grandpa, your dad, and your mom.”
“That’s messed up, isn’t it? She didn’t want people to know because they would shame her. Now you see why I don’t like the society I grew up in? I hate everything about it, including the people
. I hate how everyone is just waiting for you to fail, to lose your money, and the minute you do, they’ll cast you out. And she did whatever it took to stay in that circle and save face.”
“Money and power do funny things to people.”
“I know,” she said sadly. There was a slight pause before she continued. “What do you think about me donating a majority of my inheritance to charity?”
“How much is the majority?” I asked. I wasn’t really surprised by her decision. Money had always made her uncomfortable.
“Like, a lot.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. I don’t need much. I just need enough to pay for school, and possibly graduate school as well, if I decide to go. Maybe some to get me through the next several years or so, if I’m careful with it. Then I can find a job and pay my own way through life. I want to make everything that has defined me for so long disappear from my world. I don’t want to be this version of Emery Caldwell anymore.”
I played with her hair, loving the way the red glinted almost pink in this light.
Silly girl. Didn’t she know there was no such a thing as a bad version of her in this world? Never was, and never would be. But she wanted me to tell her it would be okay, no matter what she decided. And it would be.
I tightened my hold on her. “I think you should do what you think is best.” And that was the truth. Emery could give away all of her inheritance if she wanted. I would happily take care of her for the rest of my life.
“Do you think you can ever forgive your mom?”
“Yes,” she said without hesitation.
“That was quick.”
“I’m not really the type to hold a grudge.”
I squeezed her to me, still unable to believe she was really here in my arms. “That’s one of the many reasons I love you.”
I felt her smile against my skin. Then she added, “But I’m not ready to forgive her just yet.”