I wake feeling refreshed and rested, but my wrist is thumping. I amble to the kitchen to grab coffee and get ready for the day.
“Good morning.” My mom says tiredly as I walk into the room.
“Morning.” I reply, just as tired.
I didn’t think the trip would wear me out so bad. When we moved up here, it seemed like the ride wasn’t that long, and I unpacked my room in the same day.
“Your doctor’s appointment is in an hour and a half. Do you want me to go with you?” My mom asks looking at me with soft eyes.
“No, I can handle it.”
I’m not looking forward to this. I hate new things. I hate change, and this is change. I have to go to a doctor, tell them my deepest secrets, and they’ll judge me while pretending they understand.
Mom and I talk briefly about what happened while we drink our coffee. I didn’t think she’d be up to talking to me about it so soon.
“I’m sorry you found out about Alex and Casey like you did. I know that you’re angry and hurt, but please don’t take it out on those who love you the most.” She says taking a sip of her coffee.
“I’m not sure how I feel. It’s sort of a relief that all my suspicions about them are true. Now I don’t feel like I’ve lost my mind and that I’m imagining Alex in those photos.”
“What photos?” Mom asks surprised.
“In Sarah’s scrapbook, and the ones I found in the attic.”
“Well, you can keep the ones from the attic. As well as anything else you found about him. They’re rightfully yours anyway.”
After I’m done with the coffee, I head upstairs to get ready.
****
The office isn’t hard to find. Guess with all my roundabouts with Landon, I learned the city well. I walk in the front doors and the place makes me nervous all of a sudden. The secretary’s desk is off to the right. The place is well lit and very welcoming.
There’s a beautiful water fountain directly across from me with small benches for patients to relax. Behind the fountain, steps come from both sides which lead to the second floor. To the left of the room I notice a pharmacy.
There’s nice “white” music dimly playing in the background. The inside of the place definitely looks a lot better than the outside.
I walk over to the desk that has the “check-in here” sign.
“Hi, I’m Amber Brown, and have an appointment with Dr McKinley at eleven.” I say trying to keep the shakiness out of my voice.
“Ok, I’ll notify her you’re here.” The short, older woman says as she motions towards a bench.
I go over to sit on the bench. I turn around to gaze at the fountain, when I notice they have fish in the bottom of it. Nice touch.
While I’m waiting, I get a better look at the place. It looks clean. The carpets a bluish gray color. The wall by the pharmacy is painted with different scenes of West Virginia, some of which I recognize.
The water in the background relaxes me, and I can feel my nervousness disappearing. I grab a magazine from the table next to me and begin flipping through the pages while I wait.
Chapter Seventeen
“Ms. Brown.” Someone calls from the top of the stairs.
I look up and see a woman standing at the top of the steps with a folder in hand. Well, here it goes. I get up and climb the stairs to meet her.
“That’s me.” I say as I approach the top step.
“Dr. McKinley will see you now. Follow me please.”
I toddle up to a door that has fogged glass and “Dr. Jean McKinley, PhD” written on it. I unhurriedly open the door.
“Come on in Ms. Brown.” I hear a soft voice say.
I stride in and the door slowly closes behind me. My heart begins racing as nervousness sets in. I walk over to the doctor while taking a quick glance around the room. There are several plaques hanging on the wall, a giant mahogany desk with a few pictures, folders, pens, paper, and a laptop neatly placed on top.
I sit down feeling awkward, because I don’t want to be here telling this woman about myself. By looking at her, I can see she’s never done anything like I have. The darkness never touched her. How is she going to be able to help me? I just want to get the hell out of here.
“Welcome. First, I’d like to start by saying everything said here is confidential. Anything said in this room, stays in this room. It goes no further. I want you to open up and talk to me. Express yourself in as much detail as you can when answering a question or thought.” She says, breaking the silence in the room that seems to be getting to me.
“Hi.” I say unsure of what else I can say.
“What brings you here today?” She asks, curiously.
Shouldn’t she already know? Dr. Duke told me she called her.
“I was in the hospital for cutting.” I say, keeping my answer short.
“Tell me more about cutting?” She orders, as she pulls a tablet closer to her and leans back on the light brown polyester chair.
“It helps me.” Is all I can say.
I despise talking about my secret. This is something I know I own and no one can take it away. This woman isn’t going to understand. She’s going to try to take away my salvation.
“What leads up to the cutting?”
“The darkness.” I reply, not letting my shield down.
I wonder how these questions help her determine if what Dr. Duke came up with, was right. Can’t she give me a questionnaire to get this over with?
“When did the cutting start?’
“It started when I lived in North Carolina.”
“Amber, do you mind if we use the first name basis? I like to talk to you about the way this works. Being on a first name basis makes this easier and more pleasant for both of us.” She tells me as she lays her tablet and pen down on the small oak table beside her.
“I guess.” I say not seeing how calling each other by first names can help.
“I’ll start. My first name is Lily. Now, we already know your name but I’d like you to tell me.”
Call me crazy, but this woman has lost her mind.
“Amber.”
“Great. The next thing I have my patients do is fill out this form. Its basic questions on how you feel. Please be honest. This’ll make it a little easier for us to focus on the most important areas first and work those out.”
“Okay, I’ll do what I can.”
I take the clipboard she hands me. As I skim the questions, I notice this is exactly what I thought of earlier. Most of the questions are simple. They’re very easy to answer. They range from my energy levels to how I enjoy spending my day. Simple enough, it takes about ten minutes to complete it.
“Finished.” I say as I hand the stuff back to her.
“Great. We have about ten minutes left. So, let’s start where we left off... tell me in more details how the self harm started.”
“It all started as fun and games. Then, it turned into something I had to do.” I tell her, feeling relaxed enough to let go a little.
“Tell me about how you feel right before you need to cut.”
“Well, my heart starts to race. I shake. My hands get sweaty. I feel my chest getting heavy. All of this makes it harder to concentrate on the now and makes me think of just stopping it all.”
“I want you to try something when that starts happening. Find a place which calms you, whether it’s in your bedroom, a park, in the woods, anywhere. Go there, and start using these relaxation techniques.” She says and hands me a paper.
I look at the paper and it seems like a dead end. But I promised Landon I’d do everything in my power to end this. So, I’m giving it my best shot. What can it hurt?
“Okay.”
That’s the last thing Lily says as she motions to the door, while standing up. Well my first session is over, and it honestly wasn’t as bad as I thought. Maybe there’s hope for me at the end of this tunnel.
Chapter Eighteen
“Any word from Dave, yet?” I ask, as
I put my keys and purse down on the table.
“No, nothing,” my mom replies glancing over to me as she finishes rinsing a dish, “how did it go?” she asks.
“Not too bad,” I say sitting down on the wooden chair by the table. “She asked me some questions and told me to fill out a paper full of inquiries. I’m supposed to call this support group and sign up, too.”
“Support group?”
“Yeah, I guess it’s for teens and young adults...or something. It’s in this packet I got. It’s to help people overcome cutting or something,” I explain, although I’m not sure about the program.
“Does it sound like something you want to try?” my mom asks, sounding concerned.
“I’m not sure. No one explained it, but I’ll ask her again tomorrow at our next meeting.”
“Oh, I thought it was once a week?”
“We’ll have several this week, and then one meeting each week after.”
****
As I’m lying in bed, my mind wanders back over the past few days. So much has happened and I feel out of sorts. The idea of having a sister seems exciting, yet I’m not sure how to take it. I feel free now that my mom knows my secret. I don’t feel like I’m completely alone in my darkness any longer. I think if I could change the past, I would have told her sooner. I should have.
My feelings are mixed when it comes to Dave. He did do my mom wrong even though he’s always stood in as my father. I hope, in a way he comes back, but then again, I don’t want him to. My mom deserves better.
My mind continues to jump between thoughts. With each thought, it seems my eyes become heavier.
****
“Welcome back. I’m glad to see you enjoyed our first visit enough to return,” the doctor says as I get comfortable in the overly stuffed chair.
“It’s a requirement that I’m here. It’s not like I really want to be here,” I reply, sarcastically.
“We’re going to pick up where we left off. I want to ask you to relax and open up. The best way to face this is to leave the past behind. It no longer has its hold on you. Part of the recovery you need is to trust yourself as well as others. The longer you take to open up, the longer this process is going to be,” she says, giving an easy nod.
“I’ll try,” I reply, crossing my arms over my chest. “But, you have to understand that this is me. I don’t open up easy. I’ve never been the type of person to ramble off at the mouth about my personal life.”
“I’m not going to force you to talk but my advice is the sooner you decide to, the quicker this can go. I’m not saying your recovery will be quick, because it won’t. Recovering is a process and doesn’t happen overnight. So first, I want to begin with having you open up and share anything you want. Let’s get to know each other, and we won’t focus on the self harm during this session.” She says placing her tablet down on the side table.
“Like, what kind of stuff am I supposed to talk about?” I ask, confused.
“Anything you want to share. It can be your favorite color or something you like to do. You can just talk, and we’ll see where it gets us.”
“I’m not really sure where to start, but... my favorite color is black. I like to read and listen to music, although I haven’t done either lately,” I say, feeling my cheeks warming up, and I start fidgeting with my bracelets.
“Good place to start. What’s your favorite book or band?”
“My favorite book would be, hands down, The Complete Tales and Poems of Edgar Allen Poe, and my favorite band is Flyleaf,” I smile while remembering dancing all crazy with Sarah during sleepovers.
“I haven’t come across that book yet, but I do like Poe. He’s rather unique. As for the music, I listen to country, so if you’re referring to a rock group or something, I have no idea who you’re talking about. Man, that makes me feel old,” she says laughing.
I catch myself laughing and loosening up a bit. Wow, she’s good.
“Flyleaf is a rock band. But there are many others out there I like,” I say.
“Tell me a little bit about your home life back in North Carolina,” she says changing the subject.
“Well... I grew up in a small house with my mom and her... I guess he’s her ex now. I knew everyone that lived around us, but only became good friends with one person. She and I grew up together. There’s really not much to say about that chapter in my life, and I’d rather not talk about it.” I say, while a lump forms in my throat.
“Okay we don’t need to talk about it. Tell me...what is one thing you look forward to every day?”
“Do I really need to answer that? That’s why I’m here. Oh, I want to ask you about the support group. What does it consist of?” I ask.
“Support groups are often used in addition to therapy. Many of those who attend understand what you are going through. Normally, you join them to talk with others who exhibit the same symptoms and it helps. They help you explore all the negatives that go along with self harm and ways to cope. I’ve seen many people gain lifetime friendships as well as life time support for the self harm. Does this answer your question?”
“Is there an age group or are there older people there? Because it’s hard to see myself opening up to anyone who is like, sixty years old or something,” I say adjusting myself in the chair.
“Normally we try to keep the groups by age. Sometimes we can create special gender groups as well, but there has to be a big reason for it. As an example, let’s say a young lady was violated sexually and this led to self harm. She’s uncomfortable with guys and men, and won’t open up. We tend to find those who are well on their way to recovery, and place them in a group together with her. This sometimes helps to open the person up.”
“That’s cool.”
“I’d like you to call them this afternoon and sign yourself up. They have been notified that you’ll be calling. The first step in recovery is admitting the problem and doing what you need to when it comes to seeking help. Do you think you can do this?”
“It’ll be hard but I think I can. I’m ready to rid myself of this darkness. I’m afraid I won’t succeed though.”
“As long as you fight the urge, follow the tips and suggestions given, I think you’ll eventually be back to your pre-cutting self.”
“Do you think it’s possible?”
“I do. I think at the end of this, all you’ll have left is a few great friends and some scars.”
“That sounds amazing.”
“It is amazing. It seems like you’ve accepted what you have done. I know this session isn’t going as planned but I have an exercise I’d like to try.” She says as she stands up to get a tablet with a pen off her desk.
“Okay,” I agree, although I’m still unsure about this.
“I want you to take this and write down some reasons why you want to stop. Other than someone with more authority is stepping in and making you,” she says, handing the tablet and pen my way.
I grab the yellow lined notebook and pen. As I’m looking at the paper, nothing seems to come to mind. It seems as if it went blank. After a few minutes I begin thinking of the promises I made to Landon, and how many of them I broke. This will be a great place to start. I begin writing.
I want to stop hurting and lying to those I love.
I want to stop for those I have lost.
I want to keep my family and friends from worrying about me.
To be sure I’m not hurting myself any longer.
To free myself from the darkness, FOREVER!!!
Once I’m done, I hand the tablet to Lily.
“I want you to keep these. Put them in your wallet or keep them in your pocket. When you feel like you need to cut, pull it out and read it. Keep them as a reminder why you shouldn’t, and won’t cut anymore.” She says, pushing the tablet back towards me with a smile.
“And these are supposed to help me fight that urge?”
“Partly; the reminders, as well as will power will help. Although at first it’ll seem l
ike it’s too hard, and you’ll want to give in. If the urge seems too big for the reminders and will power, don’t be afraid to seek out someone who’s supportive and can help you through it. The more urges you make it through, the better you’ll feel.”
“Okay, I’ll try,” I say not totally believing myself as the words come out of my mouth.
“Now, I’ve found it helpful from others to make several copies of the list. You can place them in different places where you find the urges rise the most, and the place you used to cut. With the rest of the tablet, I want you to write down each urge, the time, and what caused it. Then, take note on how you feel, and if you beat the urge. Don’t freak out if you slip up. Slipping is part of recovery. We’re not expecting you to go ‘cold turkey’ as they say. But we do encourage you to fight it.”
“What happens if I do slip up?”
“Don’t worry about the slip-ups, but be aware of them. You can think of them as a performance check. As long as you can recognize the fact that you slipped and what the cause was, you can write it down. Keep track of your triggers, and try to stay away from those situations.”
“I’ll try my best. Like I said, I want to quit. Not just because they’re making me do it but because I want to do it.”
“That’s a great attitude to have. If you do lapse, remember it’s not the end of the world. Don’t batter yourself over it. Pick up the pieces and move on. You need to find your mental balance within the world to help you cope with those things which stress you out. I think it would be great for you to meet with the group as soon as possible. Do you think you can make the call now and set it up? I’m here for support, and I know it’s a big step. I would love to see you do it.”
“Okay,” I say, pulling out my cell phone.
My hands begin shaking and I feel like running away. I know this is what I need to do, but each step of this seems to be coming at me so quick, like a flash of lightning. I bite my lower lip as I try to control my breathing.
“Here’s the number.” Lily says, handing me a business card.
Letting out the deep breath I’m holding, I dial the number. While the phone rings, my chest tightens. It feels like there’s a brick laying on it. Another ring, my muscles tense up and I feel like I’m shivering at the same time.
Silenced 2: The Overtaking (Silenced Series) Page 11
