“Hello, no secrets support group. How may I help you?” The sound of the woman’s soft voice on the other line takes the place of the ringing.
“Hi, I’m calling because I want to sign up for the group.” I don’t really know if I’m saying the right thing, or if I sound stupid.
“I can help with that.” She answers. “Most of the time we only take those which are referred because we’re a closed support group. I must ask...do you have a referral?”
“Yeah, I do. Dr. McKinley referred me. I’m at her office now if you want to talk with her.” I say, hoping it’ll take the heat off of me.
“That won’t be necessary. We’ll call her later for the referral papers. When do you want to begin working with the group?”
“As soon as possible,” I say, anxious to get started.
“We have a meeting later on this evening. Once we verify your referral, you’re more than welcome to join us.”
“Perfect. What time does it start and on what days are the meetings held?”
“All meetings start at six on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. Depending on the type of referral we have, you may be required to attend all three. We’ll find out for sure, and let you know when you come in. Okay?”
“That’s fine. I’ll be there then.” I say fidgeting with my necklace.
“Great. We’ll get all necessary paperwork done. We’ll see you around six.” Her cheerful voice puts me at ease.
“See you then. Thank you.” I say, and hang up the phone.
I feel like a load of bricks has been lifted off my shoulders. I feel a bit freer than before. I place my phone back into my purse, and look up at Lily.
“That’s good!” She says, writing something down. “Seems like you’re all set up now.”
“Yes, they’ll be requesting papers and if they’re verified by six tonight, I can go to my first meeting. I’m planning on going tonight. I want to get this started so I can be on my way to recovery,” I say with a bit of hope in my voice.
“I’ll make sure all the paperwork is complete before then. There shouldn’t be any problems.” She says glancing at her watch. “Even though this session didn’t go as planned, I’m feeling rather confident that we accomplished something. What do you think, Amber?”
“I think so too,” I say, shaking my leg in anticipation to leave.
“Great! This session is up, we reached the hour mark. I‘ll see you again tomorrow, let’s say around two. This will give you plenty of time to get here, right?” she asks.
“That’s fine.” I say while standing up and gathering my belongings.
“Okay, see you then.” She replies and walks me to the door.
****
As I walk into my mom’s house, the aroma of dinner cooking hits me, and I head directly to the kitchen. I sit down as my mom grabs some spices from the spice rack.
“Hey Mom,” I say beginning a conversation.
“How did today’s session go?”
“Not too bad. When’s dinner going to be done? I have a meeting to go to tonight.” I say as I adjust myself on the stool.
“Oh, in a bit. Did you find out more about the support group?”
“I did. It’s considered private or something, so I had to have a referral. The doctor asked me to call, and set it up during our session. It starts at six.” I inform her, while I grab the pen and notepad, and begin drawing.
“What’s that tablet for?” she asks motioning to the tablet I laid on the counter.
“The doctor had me write down reasons I want to quit cutting. I’m supposed to write down the times and feelings I’m having when an urge arises. Not sure how this is supposed to help me, but whatever.” I say not caring for this part.
“Do what you need to, and remember I’m here for you. Oh, have you talked to Landon yet?”
“No haven’t talked to him since we got back, why?” I ask. I’m feeling a little guilty for not calling him.
“He’s been through so much with you and I think you should show him how thankful you are that he’s still standing beside you. As you’ve seen with Dave, not all guys can continue when things get rough.”
“True. I’ll call him later. I need to go get ready for the meeting.”
Chapter Nineteen
The meeting isn’t far from home, and I don’t have a hard time finding it. My stomach feels like it’s twisting in knots, and butterflies are taking over. Anxiety seems to control me. Opening the heavy glass door, I step into the building. In the lobby, several people stand around talking to each other, while others sit quietly reading in various chairs. There are a number of closed doors leading to who knows where, and a reception desk directly across from the main doors.
With each step I take, it seems as if my heart’s one step closer to jumping out of my chest. Putting one arm on the counter, I wait for the guy on the other side to look up.
“Hello, how can I help you?” he asks in a calm voice while preparing to type on the computer, which sits off to the left of him.
“My name is Amber. I’m here for a meeting,” I say, tucking a loose strand of hair behind my ear.
“Amber. Do you have a last name, and do you know which meeting you are here for?” He leans his head to one side with a smug smile appearing on his lips.
“Brown, my last name is Brown. I’m here for the teen meeting with self harm or whatever you call it.” I say trying not to jump over the counter and beat the crap out of him.
“Great,” he says with an arrogant laugh. “You’re scheduled for conference room A. It’s to the left and has an A on the door,” he finishes.
“You know.” I hesitate, “I’m not dumb. I think you should treat people with a bit more respect. I want to talk with your supervisor when I’m done!” I blurt out, before I have a chance to stop myself.
“Whatever! As a matter of fact, here.” He says, picking up a card. “This is her business card. Call the one with the office printed beside it. Oh and her name is Lisa,” he finishes as he tosses the card on the counter.
“Thanks,” I say putting my shoulders back as I turn and walk towards the conference room.
What an ass! You’d think working in a place like this, he’d show more respect to those coming here for help.
As I look around, I notice several advertising posters hung on the wall. Each door I pass has a letter on it even though they aren’t in order, and several rows of chairs sit in the middle of the room with the reception desk. I glance at each door noticing the letters until I come to the door I’m looking for.
My heart skips a beat when I realize it’s time to go in and see what is on the other side. I raise my hand to the door, wondering if I should knock first. There’s a sign to the left of the door welcoming those who are there for the meeting, directing them to come in. Reaching for the small gold handle on the door, I turn it and gently push.
The first thing I notice is the huge bulletin board with inspirational quotes and a white board with several markers hung on the wall. Several chairs sit off to the side surrounding a rectangular table, which has papers strewn about. In one of the corners, a large dark oak desk sits with a computer and printer, as well as a bin with folders in it.
Several people stand in small groups talking and laughing. Each person instantaneously stops talking to look in my direction as the door closes with a thud. My face becomes hot and my hands begin sweating. I feel as if I’m three inches tall as everyone glares. From the back of the room, I hear a raspy voice.
“Welcome, please come in. I’m the mentor of this group. It’s great to see a new face.” The stranger says, as she makes her way through the crowd.
“Thank you,” I reply with a shaky voice, “where can I sit?”
“We’ll get started in a minute. Please follow me to my desk, and check in.” She says, as she turns and walks towards the oak desk.
Looking down at the floor, I make my way through the crowd to the group mentor. The eyes behind me seem to burn right through me,
causing the rubber on my shoes to catch the freshly polished floor. My arms fly out and I catch myself before I completely fall. I hear laughter generate throughout the room and my face feels hotter.
Exhaling and pulling down my shirt, I gather myself and quickly take a seat in front of the mentor’s desk.
“That’ll be enough! Find a seat and mind yourself!” She says, her eyes glaring towards the young faces behind me.
The laughter dies down and the sounds of shuffling feet begin, signaling everyone doing as they’re told.
“Okay, they’re in rare spirits today. I apologize for their rudeness.” She says, looking at me with kind eyes.
“I’m used to it,” I quickly reply.
“I need to verify your information. I know this seems a bit extreme but we run a tight ship around here. We keep a file on each member due to past events.” She begins shuffling through papers.
“Oh...events?” I ask confused.
“About six months ago, we had a member pull a gun and hold a support group hostage. Please, do not use this to help form your opinion on our program. It’s a really good program, and has helped a lot of people. Now, what’s your name so I can pull it up on the computer?”
“Amber Brown, Dr. McKinley referred me.” I reply, shaking my leg in anticipation.
“Ahh, yes here you are.” She says, pushing her glasses back up.
She begins typing, which gives me a moment to figure out what type of person she is. Normally I’m good at reading people. She’s wearing black dress pants with an overly colorful dress shirt. Her huge plastic glasses seem to take up her entire face. Her reddish brown hair is cut short and frames her round face. She isn’t very tall and the fact that she hunches over while she sits doesn’t really help. While typing information into the computer, she keeps pulling her eyebrows in like she’s in deep concentration.
She looks up from the computer. “I see all your forms have been filled out, so you’re good to go. We’ll start with introductions shortly. Have a seat over there with the others, and I’ll be joining you shortly.” She motions towards the waiting circle.
My gaze follows in the direction she points in. Everyone’s quietly sitting in the circle of chairs waiting and looking over in our direction. Taking a deep breath to calm my nerves, I stand up and walk over to an empty chair. The fact that everyone’s watching my every move doesn’t help me feel any less nervous. My entire body seems to tremble as I begin to feel waves of heat come over my body.
Soon after I sit down, the mentor joins us by asking for everyone’s attention.
“Good afternoon. I’m happy to see everyone here. It’s great you’re all willing to turn your lives around for the better. Many of you noticed we have a new member joining us. Let’s give a warm welcome to Amber.” Everyone starts clapping. “She’s here for the same reasons you are. Let’s show her the utmost respect by making her feel like a part of the group. With that said, Amber, please stand to introduce yourself. Tell us more about you, and why you decided our group is right for you.” She finishes, as she takes her seat.
All eyes focus on me. I had no idea I’d be put on the spot like this. If I would have known, perhaps I wouldn’t have come. Taking a deep breath to soothe the tangled mess of nerves within me, I stand up.
“Hi, I’m Amber. I’m here because I cut. The doctor feels it’s best for me to come to a group like this,” I say, as my voice breaks.
“Great. Thank you,” the group mentor breaks in, “you can take your seat.”
I don’t hesitate to sit down. Nobody has to tell me twice! Looking at the faces around me, everyone looks around my age range. There are thirteen of us total, not including our mentor. As she continues to talk, everyone listens attentively.
“Since we have a new member, I’d like for everyone to properly introduce themselves. Once we get past the introductions, I’ll explain how we work. Afterwards, we’ll share our accomplishments or backslides. Kristen, let’s start with you,” she finishes nodding towards a curvy blonde sitting beside her.
“Thanks Rachel,” Kristen says standing up. “I’m Kristen. I cut for seven years and have been free for two. I’m one of the oldest members. The doctors have cleared me to go back to my life, but I can’t give up the group. I guess you could say I’m here to be sure I don’t backslide again,” she finishes and sits down.
I’m not sure what to think of her. She seems so happy. It’s hard to believe she cuts. Blonde curly hair cascades down to her shoulders and her eyes seem to capture anyone who looks in them with their clear ocean blue color. Her smile is inviting and friendly, as well as her attitude. I hope to be able to smile like that when this is over.
“I’m Mark,” a guy with a small round face’ wearing glasses stands up, “I’ve been in the group for six months.”
I begin to zone out during the introductions. Knowing each of their names and why they were here doesn’t really interest me. The only one that catches my attention is Kristen. There’s something about her that draws me to her. I’m not sure what it is. Maybe it’s her bouncy attitude even though she has a dark past?
It takes about twenty minutes for everyone and then mentor begins talking again, “Thank you everyone. Next on the list...how we work. Each week we meet on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday at the same time, six in the afternoon. We support one another regardless of the situation. When one reaches an accomplishment, we all reach the accomplishment. When someone backslides, it’s up to us to encourage that person, and not dwell on the reason. We support each other and help each other through the dark times as well as the light. We have several rules. The main one is no judging, and everything said in this room, stays in this room. Anyone have anything they would like to share?”
Everyone sits in silence for a moment, when a guy with bright red hair stands, “I’m not proud, but I cut last night. My dad and I got into an argument because I forgot to take out the trash. I got into trouble at school for skipping class, and several guys I hate decided to shove me into a locker.” He says, shuffling his weight back and forth from each leg.
“Sounds like a rough day.” Another member says, “Perhaps you should think about your actions before doing them. Maybe, then you won’t get into trouble.”
“Daniel! That’ll be enough!” Rachel jumps in, “That’s not how we support one another. One more outburst like that, and I’ll have no choice but to send you on your way.”
The sudden rise in tension can be felt from a mile away. Daniel smugly sits back in his chair with a sneer on his face. Seeing his response, I feel bad for the dude who just poured himself out in front of everyone.
“Kevin, what made you act the way you did?” Kristen asks breaking the tension.
“I don’t know? I got so wrapped up in what happened at school, I didn’t remember to take out the trash. I skipped class because I was shoved into the locker.” Kevin replies, looking down and shuffling his feet.
“I’ll pray for you. Prayer always works for me when I’m having a hard day.” Kristen says with a gleam of happiness in her eyes.
“Would you just can that Christian mumbo jumbo? No one wants to hear it.” Daniel jumps in clenching his fists, which causes his forearm muscles to appear stone like.
“Daniel, I want to see you outside, now!” Rachel says, standing swiftly and narrowing her eyes. “Kristen, please take over for me until I get back.”
“Sure,” Kristen replies appearing relaxed and without a bit of indecision, “As I was saying, Kevin I’ll add you to my prayers. Anyone else have anything to share?”
“I do.” Another girl, who has been completely silent this entire time, chimes in. “I have one achievement, which is, not cutting for an entire week. Then I backslid, I have no idea what came over me, but I had the irresistible urge to cut. Needless to say, I gave in.”
“Kelsey, sometimes I dealt with that too.” Kristen says encouragingly. “When I was faced with temptation, I found something to occupy my mind. I keep a record of each ur
ge so I can see what tempts me, and what brings it on. Maybe this would be a good place for you to start.”
“Actually that’s what my shrink told me to do.” I say before I could catch myself.
“Has it helped you?” Kelsey asks with a small delighted smile.
“Well, I haven’t actually written anything down. She just gave me a journal this morning at our meeting,” I answer, crossing my arms and leaning back into my chair.
“I’ve done it too.” Mark adds, leaning in towards the middle of the circle.
“I’ll give it a try.” Kelsey says returning a hesitant smile towards Kristen.
“Great. I’m sure you’ll find it helpful, anyone else?” Rachel asks.
The rest of the meeting flies by. Most of their names I won’t remember, except for Kristen. She made herself known. As we’re preparing to leave, Kristen asks me to stick around. I wait quietly while she gathers her stuff and makes her way over. She sits down with her purse and bible in hand while gleaming with happiness.
“How do you do it?” I ask.
“Do what?” She replies, like I caught her off guard.
“You say you cut for seven years, and have been free for two. I’ve been cutting for several years as well. I haven’t come up to any urges I could beat, although I really haven’t been at this for long. You make it seem easy. How could someone so happy, have such a dark past?” I ask pressing my lips together, waiting for her reply.
“Oh, that’s easy. I put all my troubles and worries into Christ’s hands. He takes care of it.” She replies.
“Right...” I reply raising an eyebrow in disbelief to the nonsense she’s blabbering.
“Seriously, I do. At one time, I was like you. I smoked. I drank. I cut. I hated my life. But it all turned around the day I gave my heart to Christ.”
“I have to go. Thanks for chatting with me,” I say, beginning to feel uncomfortable.
Silenced 2: The Overtaking (Silenced Series) Page 12
