“Please, don’t let my beliefs run you off. It’s not why I wanted to talk with you.” She replies, gently grabbing my arm. “I honestly didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable or anything.
Seeing desperation in her eyes, I sit back down. For some reason, I get the feeling she needs someone to talk to.
“I’ll stay.” I say, smiling.
“I want to say, you’re on the right path, and it’s excellent you decided to join us. At first a few members can seem harsh or outright mean, but eventually you get used to it. After a while, overlooking a few flaws is easy to do. Oh and don’t let Daniel stop you from sharing anything with the group. He’s always like that. I overlook it because of the type of life he has to live,” she explains.
“Type of life, what do you mean?”
“He’s a foster kid who’s forced to be here. He was caught cutting one night by his foster mother, and she freaked out. They forced him into a mental hospital where they crammed pills down his throat when he would refuse to take them. Before he found himself in his current home, his foster dad abused him for no reason at all. This dude was a drunk and had anger issues that he would take out on Daniel.”
“That’s sad. No wonder he’s an ass. I would be too.” I say, not sure of what else I can articulate.
“Now, Mark and Kevin aren’t ones to worry about. Most of the time, they stay to themselves. They speak out when someone expects them to but to actually begin a conversation, no they won’t do it. We’ve tried to get them to open up, but Daniel makes it hard.”
“What’s Rachel like?”
“Oh, she’s the best mentor. She was in our shoes at one time. Cutting was her way of life, until she had enough of it. She told her husband about it, and he supported her in every way he could. Eventually, she came to this support group and went to therapy. It took her a little over a year to overcome the urges, and gain the ability to overpower the need to cut. After the therapy and group meetings, she became a mentor for those who struggle like she did. That’s how she became the mentor of our group.”
“That’s amazing. Just hearing her story, gives me hope for myself.”
“What’s your story?”
“I started cutting for fun. Sarah and I did it together. It became a need when I moved here. I found out my mom lied to me about my father, and depression took over. I cut all the time. At times, it was even for the thrill of cutting. After so long, the darkness I felt on the inside grabbed ahold of me, and started to control me.” I tell her, while playing with a strand of my hair.
“So, how did you end up here?”
What am I supposed to say? I hesitate. “My close friend from back in my home town passed away. The event stressed me so much I cut, and I ended up in the hospital.”
“What’d your mom do?”
“She freaked. I was sure she was going to place me in a nut house.”
“I thought the same thing because my parents are Christians. They expected me to follow their ways. At first, I was hardheaded and didn’t want to, until I ended up in a coma for about a month. The blood loss and trauma I caused my body put me there.”
“Wow, glad to see you’re okay.”
“I’m better than okay. When I woke up, I felt like a different person. For the longest time afterward it felt like I was walking on a cloud, weightless. Nothing bothered me. My parents noticed, and mentioned it. I remembered a dream that seemed like I was in heaven. I had no idea I was in a coma. This place was peaceful, and I never wanted to leave.”
“How was it peaceful?”
“It was so bright and welcoming. The grass was soft and dazzling green. The sky was clear. There wasn’t a cloud in sight. Birds flew everywhere while chirping lovely songs. The smell of sweet flowers, grass, and clean air engulfed me. The warmth of the sun warmed my skin while the gentle breeze cooled me at the same time. There were wild animals running around, but I didn’t fear them. They seemed to enjoy my presence. I walked around enjoying the scenery, when I came up to the clearest blue pond I had ever seen. There were fish swimming around, and a few deer drank slowly from it. I relaxed beside this pond for hours, and worried about nothing. Pure calmness came over me.”
“That sounds amazing.”
“It was. The animals were so friendly. Then, this guy appeared to me, and talked to me about what I did, and how my body was being affected. His voice was unlike any I have ever heard. His touch was tender on my arm as he assured me, things would be different as long as I opened my eyes to the path I was meant to walk. When I woke up, I felt differently, and I could still feel his gentle touch on my arm.”
“Who do you think it was?”
“There is no doubt in my mind. It was Jesus.”
“Really?”
“Yes, after I woke up, I saw my mom’s tired, tear-streaked face, and it hit me. She looked so worried, and like she hadn’t slept that entire week. I felt bad about everything I put her and my dad through. My coma scared the crap out of them, and I didn’t want them ever feeling like that again.”
“So what did you do?”
“I told them I was sorry. They forgave me. While I was in the hospital, my parents would study the bible with me, and thank the Lord for allowing me to return to them. At any moment he could have called me home, therefore; I’m grateful he gave me the chance to deliver his message. I stopped being disrespectful and began listening to my parents. I was tired of the way my life was going, and I wanted to be happy. I just didn’t know how to do it.”
“You seem happy now.”
“I am. I finally found my way. I found happiness when I decided to live my life for Jesus. I gave myself to Him and I’ve been living His way ever since. You wouldn’t believe the changes in my life that started happening the moment I gave my heart over. I felt like a great load had been lifted from me.”
“That's awesome,” I say not knowing how to reply because I’m unsure of everything she’s saying.
“What's your plan?” She asks.
“I'm not sure,” I say in a jittery voice. “I haven't thought about it. I hope to free myself from the darkness. I will stay in therapy, and these group sessions, but afterward I'm just not sure.”
“I felt the same way once too. But I'm sure it’ll come to you.” She says, encouraging me.
“I want it to be over. I don't want something controlling my life. Even though I haven't come up to an urge yet, I'm sure it'll be tough.” I add, shifting in my seat.
“I'll tell you what,” she says. “Here is my number. If you feel an urge, call me and we can talk while you deal with it. It’ll be tough but trust me, it's worth it,” she hands me a card.
I glance down at the card and notice a hot pink cross off to the side of her information. It's crazy but in this small amount of time, she has me curious about the life she lives. Her attitude is enough to draw anyone to her, including me.
“Thank you and I’ll add your number to my phone. I have to go. I have a lot to think about, and I'm sure my boyfriend is worried about me. I haven't called him since I got home.” I say standing up, and putting out my hand to shake hers.
As I'm walking to my car, I can't help but to think about my life. I've done so many different things; Jesus won't forgive any of it. I've lied and disrespected my parents. I've drank and smoked. The words that come out of my mouth are nowhere near Christian. I'm too broken for that kind of thing.
The new life I'm walking into scares me. I've been used to doing the same things, I'm not sure if I can do new. I've never been an outspoken person who dives into new things without hesitation.
The sound of a horn pulls me back to the present. I don't realize I’m stopped in the middle of the parking lot and cars are waiting to get through. I wave as I say, “I'm sorry. I didn't mean it.”
I hurry to my car. While rushing to get in, I bang my knee against the door and look around making sure no one saw. Cars are flooding Main Street. Several people are stopping on the curb, waiting for the signal to switch, allow
ing them to cross. I hear cars shuffling by and horns blowing. The smell of hot pavement and food from restaurants nearby flood my nose.
The ride home feels like it’s taking forever. I didn't think there’d be a traffic rush this late in the afternoon. While waiting at a traffic light, a billboard catches my eye.
Dear whomever is reading this,
I hope you know you're not alone, and somebody out there loves you more than you will ever know. There's no wrong that can't be forgiven.
-God
If this isn't a sign, I don't know what is. Not only is it literally a sign, but I think maybe God’s trying to speak to me. It's weird I haven't really learned much about him, and I've never gone to church before.
As I pull in the driveway, I notice the curtains moving in the living room window. Mom must be waiting for me. I walk in the front door, place my keys on the hook, and venture into the living room. She’s sitting on the couch with sadness in her eyes.
“Is everything all right?” I ask, slowly sitting down next to her on the sofa.
“Nothing more than normal. Landon called for you. He tried to reach you on your cell, but it was off.” She says as she pulls a throw pillow onto her lap.
“I shut it off during group.”
“How did that go?”
“It wasn't bad. I met several nice people, but some weren't as friendly as others. I was nervous though.”
“Why?”
“I wasn't sure what to do.”
“What’s the group like? The people I mean.”
“They’re nice. Some are disapproving at first, but once the opening introductions were over, I began to loosen up. Our mentor Rachel seems nice.”
“What did you do?”
“We’re not allowed to talk about anything that happens. So, I can’t be sharing details of the meetings. I’m sure you understand.”
“I do. Did you meet any potential friends?”
“I think. Her name is Kristen. She’s pretty much the only one who welcomed me. We talked a bit afterward and she gave me her card.”
“That's impressive. I'm thankful this went well for you. When’s your next meeting?”
“It’s Friday. Dr. McKinley signed me up for each day they have it. The extent of my cutting caused a bit of concern. I'm guessing they think the more I talk to them, the better this will become.”
“I think it will. Give it time, and don't rush it. Healing isn't something you do overnight.”
“Thanks for saying that. It means a lot to me.”
“You're my daughter. Of course I want to lend a few words of encouragement.”
I pull my cell phone out of my purse as it rings.
“I have got to get this. Be right back,” I say standing up and walking into the foyer.
****
“Hey honey!” I say answering the phone, breaking off the song.
“Finally! I've been trying to reach you since this afternoon.” Landon says, sounding relieved.
“I'm fine. I had an appointment with my shrink, and she set up a group meeting for this afternoon. I got back like twenty minutes ago.”
“A group meeting?”
“You know… a support group.”
“They have those for people who cut?” He asks.
“Yeah, they do. It isn't too bad.”
“That's cool.”
“Why do you sound like you're not very interested?”
“I don't know.” he replies.
“That's not an answer. Did I do something wrong?”
“I'm a little overwhelmed right now. I'm sorry, I'm not more talkative. I can't just pretend like you didn't almost kill yourself.”
“Where is this coming from?” I ask, surprised.
“I’ve had a lot of time to think lately. What you're doing is stupid, and it scares me.”
“Landon, I'm working on it. I know it's stupid. Why in the hell do you think I'm going to a shrink and group meetings?”
“Forget it,” he says sternly making my heart skip a beat.
He's never treated me like this, and hearing him talk like this scares me. I hope he's not going to bail on me now, after everything I've been through.
“Forget what?”
“Forget I said anything. Forget this conversation ever happened.”
“I can't believe you. I figured you'd be the one supporting me in this rocky spot in my life. I know what I'm doing isn't healthy. I have a problem, and I’m determined to fix it. When you're acting like this, it's not making it any easier. I'm done talking right now. I'll call you later.” I say feeling my body tense and my jaw clenching from anger.
“Fine!” He replies with sarcasm and hangs up.
My face feels hot and my blood feels like it's about to boil. Grabbing my purse, I rush to my room, slamming my door shut. I'm puzzled by his reaction. Irritation pulses through me as the urge to cut rises. I plop down on my bed and scream into my pillow.
Not only am I angry because of the argument, I'm mad because he caused this urge to cut. I pull my bag from the floor to my bed. Grabbing the journal and a pen, I glance at the time and start the passage. I don't know how to begin this. It feels stupid, but I'm determined not to cut and overcome this feeling.
I know if I give in, my streak will be ruined. I don't want to go to the next meeting to tell them I fell for it. I want the group to see me as someone who's in this for the long run, not someone forced to be there.
The anger has me tethered. I feel like a train wreck on the inside. My heart's racing, my mind feels cloudy, and I begin sweating. Trying to distract myself, I lie down on my bed and focus on my breathing. After a few moments, it doesn't seem to help. I throw out my arm to hit my bed, when my hand hits a card. I look over and notice it's Kristen's. I pick it up and flip it in my hand, between my fingers.
Without waiting another second, I pick up the phone and call.
“Hello?” She answers, with a bit of hesitation within her voice.
“Hi, Kristen its Amber, I really need a friend,” I say in a shaky voice.
“What's going on?”
“I have an urge, and I need your help getting though it.”
“Okay, you can do this. Tell me what happened.”
I give her a shortened version of Landon lashing out on me, and my body's automatic response to the stress.
“You can make it through this. Do you have any idea what set Landon off?”
“No I don't. He sounded angry as soon as I answered my phone. My mom mentioned he called while I was at the meeting but couldn't get through. My phone was off.”
“That's a smart move. No cell phones are one rule Rachel takes seriously. She thinks if your attention is on your phone, you're not serious about recovery.”
“That's what I thought. I can't believe after all I've been through within the past few days, he's going to add this drama, too.”
“Guys can be thoughtless at times, but we have to overlook this.”
“He makes me so foolish at times.”
“Okay, it seems that when you get angry the urge to cut becomes live. Did you write your feelings down in your journal, like we talked about?”
“I started to, but I'm too angry to even write.”
“Make sure you do it as soon as you can, that way you don't forget how you’re feeling. It's important to learn your triggers, and eventually you'll learn to avoid them.”
“I'll write it down. How did you fight this on your own?”
“I had Rachel's help. She gave me her personal number, because my parents couldn't really grasp that cutting isn't something you can just give up. They figured all it took was saying no, and it was done. I had one of the best mentors anyone could have.”
“Wow, you must really like her.”
“I mean Jesus. He's the ultimate mentor. His guidance never leads you into the dark, but always into the light.”
“Oh you know what I saw on the way home, and I never realized it before?”
“What's th
at?”
“Well, I've been thinking about this, living for Jesus thing, since you mentioned it earlier. As I was waiting in traffic, I was thinking about how I've done so much I don't think Jesus would have me. I looked up, and saw this billboard which makes me think differently. It said something about forgiveness, and made me think of you.”
“I think I know which one you’re talking about. It surprises me the city allows it up with everyone saying no to Christians and pushing away Christ.”
“I was never told about Him. Like, I know who He is and what He did, but no one ever taught me the way to live for Him. It seems like the way others put it, is it's basically giving you no life. That you have to be absolutely perfect, and you can't make mistakes or something.”
She answers. “I've heard that a lot, but we have a very forgiving God. He knows being human is hard, and the devil works just as hard to keep it that way. I'm not always certain, and there are times where I find myself doing the wrong things. It happens. The thing that makes it the hardest are those who don't really understand.”
“Just from talking with you, I feel a lot better and the urge is gone. Thank you.”
“Another prayer answered. God is great when you rely on Him. I said a silent prayer for Him to help you through what you were facing and he did.”
“How does one go about doing that?”
“Doing what?”
“Giving their life to Christ?”
“That's easy. You want to make sure you're completely in it. You don't want to backslide, even though it happens. Next, all you do is pray for forgiveness of your sins, and give yourself to Christ. Afterward, try to live your life the way He wants us to.”
“That's it? I don't have to go to a church or have a pastor help me do it?”
“Not really. You don't have to go to church to believe, but we’re supposed to surround ourselves with other Christians. It helps us to push off the worldly ways and live for Him.”
“I think that's overwhelming.”
“No it’s not.”
“What about the bible and church? I don't have either.”
“I can give you a bible, and you can go to church with me. If you like it, we can go together.”
“Sounds like a plan.”
Silenced 2: The Overtaking (Silenced Series) Page 13
