Silenced 2: The Overtaking (Silenced Series)

by RaeBeth McGee-Buda

  “Welcome everyone. Let’s get started.” Rachel announces to the group. “I want to start off this session with a funny call I had this week. I was working on some paperwork when I got a phone call. Of course I answered with hello. The voice on the other end says ‘My daughter won’t be in to therapy today.’ Of course this gets me, and I immediately start to worry that it’s something serious. So I asked who it was. The voice answered ‘This is my mother speaking,’ she finishes while a few of us giggle.

  “Nice one.” Kevin replies.

  “I thought you’d like that one.”

  “Let’s start off with how everyone’s week went. Does anyone have anything they would like to share?”

  “I fought several cutting urges this week and conquered each one.” Mark blurts out.

  “That’s great! How did you manage that?”

  “I focused on my new video game which is mega awesome.”

  “Great way to cope. Although, I’d like to suggest trying to get yourself more involved with those around you instead of isolating yourself to a video game.”

  “I’ll try.”

  “Anyone else?”

  I feel like she’s looking right at me. It’s like Rachel can read me and see I screwed up. She keeps glancing in my direction which is making me really nervous. “I had several urges and fell into a few of them. So I cut like four times this week.” I blurt out, before I could shut myself up.

  “What brought the urges on?” Kelsey asks.

  “Fighting with my boyfriend.” I reply.

  “Oh yeah that’ll do it. Drop that loser, and get with someone who can understand what you’re going through…that someone could be… me,” Daniel blurts out and then winks at me.

  “Group is not the place to be picking up the ladies.” Kevin chimes in. “Nothing against these ladies, but I think I’d want at least one normal person within my relationship, and I know that normal person isn’t me.”

  “Very funny Kev.” Kristen says laughing.

  “Glad someone found that funny.” Daniel says shifting in his chair. “But just look at her…she’s hot.”

  “Daniel, we aren’t here for hooking everyone up. Let’s not lose focus.” Rachel says stopping the direction the conversation is going. “Amber remember, just because you back slid, it doesn’t mean you’re failing. Recovery is a process. How many times, before you ended up in the hospital, have you cut during one day?”

  “Several times a day, I think.”

  “See that’s progress.”

  “Guess you’re right.” I reply, trying to get the focus off of me.

  “I had an amazing week. I can add another week with no urges or cutting. Once again the Lord has provided for me.”

  “Pssh...Whatever.” Daniel says, leaning up in his chair. “If you think you’re so perfect with your God, why are you even here? It seems to me you don’t even need to be here.”

  “Daniel, we aren’t going to do this again this week. I will send you out and there will be consequences this time. I won’t take you interrupting my group meeting.” Rachel says sternly.

  “It’s fine. I’m used to it.” Kristen smiles.

  “You shouldn’t be hazed by that freak because of what you believe, and from how you cope.” Kelsey says.

  “Let’s not name call either, Kelsey. I understand that some of you don’t want to be here, but we don’t need to make everyone miserable while you are. Moving on, anyone else have anything to share that deals with why we are here?”

  “Sorry. I’m so tired of him hating everything, and ruining things for everyone else. His attitude sucks! No wonder you aren’t wanted at home!” Kelsey yells.

  “Okay this is enough!” Rachel says angry. “If you all can’t get along then I will have you all talk to the director. Even though some of you don’t want to be here, you are so deal with it.”

  Everyone remains quiet including Daniel. I’m not sure what to say, and as long as the attention isn’t on me…I’m fine. I don’t like to be the center of attention when it comes to talking about what’s going on with me.

  “As I asked before, does anyone else have anything to share that deals with why we’re here?”

  There’s a long pause. “I do,” I say trying to break the silence. “I’m thinking of contacting my sister for the first time since my secret came out, and since I found out she’s my sister.”

  It seems easier to talk about Casey than my screwed up problems. Perhaps the group can shed some light on how I should approach her.

  “That’s great. Do you two have a relationship now, or are you going to be meeting for the first time?” Mark asks.

  “Oh, we know each other. As a matter of fact, we were the best of friends until I started searching for my father and found out who he is. It turns out we’re sisters, but I really haven’t talked to her since.”

  “I hope things work out for you.” Kristen adds and smiles.

  “Me too.”

  It feels good to talk to someone, and know they’re going to be supportive. I deeply want Landon to be able to understand me and what I’m going through. I hope he agrees to the therapy meeting next week.

  Chapter Twenty Two

  While relaxing in the overly stuffed living room chair, I decide to call Casey. I haven’t talked to her much, and it’s bothering me. I think after everything we’ve been through, we should try to find a way to strengthen our relationship.

  “Hello?” She asks answering her phone.

  “Hey. It’s me.” I reply, waiting to see how she’ll respond.

  “Whoa, didn’t think I’d be hearing from you. It’s been what…almost a month?”

  “Yes. Sorry I’ve been real busy. Each week I have therapy and group. Plus, I’m still trying to wrap my head around what we were told about Alex.”

  “It’s a lot, even for me,” She answers. “I’m not sure how to feel. I thought I was okay with it. But once I talked to my dad after I got back, he asked me a bunch of questions about you. I didn’t want to be the one answering them. You should be.”

  “I’m not sure if I’m ready to talk with him. The last time I saw him, he was blaming me for that party. I wonder what he thinks of me now.”

  “I don’t know. I try not to bring it up.”

  “Why?” I ask confused.

  “Probably because of the same reason why you’ve been avoiding me and him.”

  She has a point. I haven’t taken the time to think about what I’d say to him, or if I even want to see him again. I was so desperate to find out who my biological father is, but never thought about what I’d do if I found him.

  “How are you and Landon?” Casey asks, breaking me out of my world of thought.

  “Not so good.”

  “What’s wrong?”

  “He’s changed. I don’t know what’s got into him. First he distances himself from me, and then each time we’ve talked within the past few weeks all we do is fight.”

  “Fight about what? He’s usually really understanding and supportive of you.”

  “I know, but a few things have changed since the last time we talked. I’ve been thinking about changing my ways.”

  “Well, change is good. Plus I think the cutting needs to be controlled, and its good you want to change that.”

  “That’s not what I mean.”

  “What do you mean then?”

  “I’m thinking about giving myself to the Lord, and living my life for Him.”

  “That’s good. But what does that have to do with Landon?”

  “He doesn’t believe. Every time I try talking with him about it, we end up in a fight.”

  “I think I may know why.”

  “What do you mean? Why?” I ask.

  “It’s his mother. Wouldn’t you feel the same way if you’ve been watching your mother die? I know what he’s going through, and maybe it just took someone not so close to see it.”

  “Oh gosh, I didn’t even think of that. This entire time I was only think
ing of me. I’m so freaking selfish. I haven’t even asked him how his mother is doing.”

  How could I have been so stupid? Casey’s right. The only person I’ve thought about since I got out of the hospital was me. I can’t imagine how he’s feeling. First his mother’s sick, and then he found out about me. This isn’t what I needed to hear but then again, I did.

  “Do you think I’m on to something because I don’t want to overstep?” she asks.

  “No, actually you’ve helped make me see I was being selfish. Thank you.”

  “Okay, just making sure.”

  “I’m literally astonished by this. I was only thinking of me and my problems. It didn’t even occur to me. What kind of person does that make me?”

  “Just one stressed girl who sounds like she needs a break. Want to catch a movie? We can have like a girl’s night.”

  “Sure. I haven’t been out for fun in forever. I only go to therapy and group as of lately. I think a night out on the town is exactly what I need.”

  I hope this gives me the stress free environment my therapist has suggested. The movie can help to distract me from everything plus give us some time together.

  “What time do ya wanna go out?” I ask.

  “It’s barely six. So let’s hit the seven showing and then we can grab some food after.”

  “Sounds like a plan. I’m gonna go get ready. Want me to meet you at your house, or are we taking your car?”

  “We’ll take yours,” she says. “I’m not sure if I can use ours. Shelly’s been pretty particular with it, because it needs some work.”

  “Okay. I’ll be over in about an hour.”

  ****

  This is exciting. I feel like everything that’s happened over the past few weeks never did. As I pull into Casey’s driveway, I notice Alex under the hood of Shelly’s car. He takes notice of me and I freeze. My body seems as if it doesn’t want to listen to me as I debate on whether to wave or ignore his presence.

  He places the tool he has in his hand down on the side of the car and waves. After a moment’s hesitation, I finally get control of my body and wave back. I don’t want to come off as stuck up. This could cause me more harm than not.

  Casey grabs my arm. “Let’s get outta here before he changes his mind.”

  “Changes his mind?”

  “He thinks I screwed up the car because I wasn’t keeping the fluids full or something.”

  Raising my eyebrows I reply, “Really? Isn’t that his job as your father?”

  “Who knows?”

  The theater is packed when we arrive. A half an hour goes by while we wait to buy our tickets. After sitting down and getting comfortable, the lights dim and the previews begin. At the same time, my mind wanders to Landon. The last time I was in this room, Landon and I were on a date. We hardly knew each other then, and it feels like forever ago.

  I know this time was supposed to be spent not thinking about him or any other issues, but I can’t help it. I won’t be able to forget anything going on until it’s worked out.

  Landon’s my go-to person and I’m not sure I can let it go. I love him, and hate knowing he’s mad. It all started with me wanting to change my life. I’m not sure I would want to change my life if it involves losing him. He’s been the person who inspired me so far, to try to control my cutting. How will I be able to do it if he’s not here supporting me?

  Without realizing it, I missed the movie because of my rambling thoughts. The lights brightening up pull me back to reality.

  “What did you think?” Casey asks.

  “Uh...yeah, it was good.” I lie.

  “I think they could’ve done a better job. I don’t think this one will have bragging rights in the media.”

  “Yeah.”

  “You seem really quiet. Did I do something wrong?”

  “No you haven’t. I’m not feeling that well all of a suddenly. I think I should go home.” I don’t want to ruin her evening, because of my stupid problems.

  “Okay…sure. We can go.”

  ****

  After I’m alone I get an overwhelming feeling that I haven’t been there for Landon like he’s been there for me. I feel like crap. He’s been nothing but supportive. I haven’t even taken a moment to ask him how things are for him. I’ve been so wrapped up in my own problems, which is selfish.

  Once I’m ready for bed and relaxing in my room I pick up my cell to call Landon. I need to apologize for being so heartless.

  “How was your day?” I ask, trying to break the ice.

  “Busy. Worked about nine hours, yours?”

  “Casey and I went to a movie. Other than that...boring.”

  “What did you see?”

  “Technically, I didn’t actually watch the movie. My mind was on other things, and that’s why I’m calling. I want to apologize.”

  “For what?”

  “I haven’t even stopped to ask you how you are, and how things are with your mom. I feel so bad because you’re going through a hard time too. I seemed to somehow forget the world doesn’t always revolve around me and around my cutting.”

  “Oh?” Landon replies sounding surprised.

  “I’m sorry. How is your mom doing?”

  “They learned that she has some sort of infection in her blood stream and it’s what caused all sorts of trouble for her.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Yeah, me too.”

  It’s weird. I have no idea what to say to him. How do you show someone you care about them in a situation like this? No matter what I say to him, I won’t be able to take away his pain.

  “Is there anything I can do?” I ask.

  “No. The doctors can’t do a freaking thing. Seeing how you’re not any type of magical being I’d think you’d be right there with the freaking doctors. Anyway, why the sudden concern?”

  Whoa, I can understand being stressed and hurt, but taking it out on me isn’t going to fix anything. Holding back my tears, I answer. “I know. I was just trying to show you I care.”

  “What? Are you gonna say you’ll pray for her next? Ya know, if there was a God, I’d have to tell him he sucks for making such a wonderful person who has been nothing but nice, suffer. Where is your God now?”

  This isn’t going anywhere. After hearing him say this, I can’t help but to be offended.

  “Landon I was only trying to help. You don’t need to be such an ass about it. Damn, what in the hell is wrong with you lately. I’ve tried to show you that I’m sorry by showing you I care.”

  “Lovely timing, Amber.” He said and hung up.

  The hurt he just caused me is unexplainable. I don’t understand why he’s being like this. I can understand his hurt, because I hurt too. I can’t fight him any more.

  As a tear slides down my cheek, my arm starts tingling, and the urge to cut gets stronger. I don’t believe I’m strong enough this time to win. Calling Kristen is an option but I’m really not in the mood for her.

  I’m unsure of what to do. I need to cut. Everything that has happened today adds to the feeling of being alone. I know I have my Mom’s support and the group. But I’m at a loss. For some unknown reason I don’t want to fight this urge.

  I slide my legs off the edge of my bed and let them dangle for a moment before standing up. I have to do this. I walk to my desk and open the cupboard. Pushing the pen holder to the side, I grab the small white plastic organizer. On the bottom drawer I have a small razor taped. One that no one knows about, and at this point, I’m very happy for.

  I internally care about what I’m going to do but I feel so detached from everyone. What would Landon say if he knew my intentions right now? I don’t even think he’d care. I know this is breaking a promise, but I don’t care. Promises were made to be broken. Why do I even care to stop cutting?

  I crunch down to the floor with my back against the wall. I cry harder because I am disappointed in myself. Where is this inner strength when I need it the most?

  As I
pull the razor across my skin there’s no pain. It doesn’t hurt. It seems crazy because any normal person would think so. It feels so good and I close my eyes to enjoy this moment of bliss I have created for myself.

  Opening my eyes, guilt over takes me. I feel stupid and worthless for giving in so easily. I grab the first cloth item closest to me and place it over my cut, as I head to the bathroom to clean up. Hopefully my mom won’t catch me in the guilt walk to hide this.

  I really thought this part of my life was on a mend until tonight. I’m much weaker than I thought. How could I be so stupid to give in so easily?

  After cleaning up, I lay down with my journal and quickly write down what happened. At the very least I should keep up on this. I don’t want to fail at being honest either. Don’t want to give anyone else another reason to be disappointed. It’s only a matter of time before everyone finds out that I failed at the temptation.

  I put the journal on my night stand and try to relax on my bed. Crap! I forgot to mention to Landon about coming to the next therapy meeting with me. I really want him to go but I doubt he’ll agree.

  I decide to call him again to see if I can make this any better. I hate how things are right now. Anger and disappointment are overwhelming, which is mixed with hurt. I don’t want us to go on like this.

  “Landon I can’t do this anymore.” I say as he picks up the phone.

  “Do what?”

  “This. What we’re doing right now.”

  “What are we doing?”

  Great! Now he’s going to play dumb. What did I do to deserve this? I haven’t cheated on him or anything to that extreme. I don’t deserve to be treated like this.

  “I need to know what’s going on. You seem to have distanced yourself from me, and it seems like you want nothing to do with me since you found out about the cutting. I understand you needed time to think and be able to accept it.”

  “I don’t know what’s going on. I’m under a lot of stress right now.”

  “So...you take it out on me!” I yell into the phone.

  “I don’t know.”

  “I don’t like it. I feel like you’re pushing yourself away because you don’t want to be with me. If that’s true then just tell me. Dragging me through an emotional roller coaster isn’t helping me push through the cutting.”