Silenced 2: The Overtaking (Silenced Series)

by RaeBeth McGee-Buda

  “I’m sure if I keep asking, they’ll give in to me eventually.” I say, wiggling my eyebrows at her while smiling.

  “More power to you. I don’t think they’ll give in that easy. Anyway... have you talked to Landon?”

  “No, he’s slowly stopped talking to me. I haven’t heard from him in almost a week. I’m tempted to call him, but I don’t want to find out exactly what’s going on.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I think he’s going to end it. I stopped pushing for him to open up and talk with me. His demeanor towards me changed, since everything came out in the open.”

  “Why drag it on? Call him and get it over with. You can’t live your life on hold for him.”

  “I don’t know if I can handle it right now. I love him and don’t want my worst fear coming true. I’m afraid if we break up, everything I’ve accomplished, would be for nothing.”

  “It doesn’t have to be that way,” she suggests. “I know you’re much stronger than you give yourself credit for.”

  “I haven’t been at this long, and the urges are still there. I think if I’m all emotional, I won’t be able to fight them.” I say, trying to get her to understand.

  “I’ll be here. You also have your Mom, our dad, your support group, and your counselor. You aren’t alone in this. Sitting here worrying about him isn’t going to help you in the long run.”

  I understand where she’s coming from. I’m just not sure if she understands how much I’ve come to rely on him. He was the first person to find out, and was so supportive.

  ****

  Later in the day, while in my room, I get the bright idea to try to find out what’s going on with Landon by talking with Patrick. Maybe Landon has said something to him.

  “Hello?” Patrick says, when he answers his phone.

  “Hey Pat, what’s up?”

  “Nothing, sitting here eating dinner.”

  “Do you have time to talk? I need some advice and you’re the only one I can think of who may be able to help.”

  “Yeah, I have a few minutes.”

  “Landon seems to be rather... umm... distant lately. I was wondering if you knew what could be going on with him.”

  “Uh, he hasn’t said much to me except for his mom is sick, and he’s having a hard time with what happened on the trip.”

  “Oh.” I say, disappointed.

  I was sure Landon would have said something, unless Patrick isn’t telling, because of the “guy code” or something.”

  “Oh come on... I know he had to have talked to you. Please! Help a girl out here. I need to know what’s going on with him.”

  After a moment’s hesitation, Patrick replies, “I don’t want to be in the middle of it. I don’t want to start any drama, Amber. Can’t we just leave it at that?”

  “Patrick...I’m worried about him. I know he’s under a lot of stress because of his mom, and my situation isn’t making it any better but...” I’m not able to finish, because of the lump forming in my throat.

  “Fine but I’m not telling you this to hurt you or to make you worry. I’m telling you this, because I am your friend too and I think you should know.” Patrick gives in. “He’s not sure if he can handle the cutting or depression any longer. Watching you going through it hurts him, and add that on top of his mom’s cancer... yeah, he’s overly stressed. He’s in need of some space, and some time to figure out what he needs to do.”

  “What he needs to do? What do you mean?” I ask, guessing what words may come next.

  “He’s talking about taking a break with you. Giving you space to heal, and get your life in order.”

  I don’t hear anything else he says. My mind sticks at taking a break. This is a nice way of saying he’s thinking of breaking it off, because he can’t handle it. I would have never thought he’d be the one to run away from me when the truth came out. I thought my mom would have disowned me first.

  “Wow, that’s...umm... surprising. What do you think I should do?”

  “I’m not sure.”

  Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea. My heart rate is speeding up, as the lump in my throat gets bigger, and my eyes are burning from trying to hold back tears. I don’t want to lose Landon. I love him.

  “Oh.” Is all I can manage to say.

  “I’m sorry I had to be the one to tell you, but I figured you should know. Just take care of yourself, and maybe Landon will come around.”

  Why doesn’t that sound too promising?

  “Okay...will do. I have to go. Thanks for your help.” I say, as a silent tear runs down my cheek.

  “Anytime, take care.”

  I felt this coming. I know Patrick wouldn’t lie to me but for some reason I need to hear it from Landon. I grab my keys, and head to my car. A phone call won’t do. He can’t avoid me any longer. If he’s going to break it off, he can do it to my face. No more hiding.

  As I pull into his driveway, the guts I mustered up on the way over, slowly piddle down to nothing. Feeling totally chicken and like I’m a ball of nerves, I climb out of the car and knock on his door.

  I hear his footsteps coming down the hall to the door and I see him standing in a T-shirt with a pair of boxers.

  “Hi, comfy day I take it?” I ask, trying not to glare.

  “You could say that. Wanna come in?”

  Well, of course I do. I didn’t drive all the way over here to stand here like an idiot.

  “Yes.” I say politely and smile.

  I follow Landon into the living room. As I look around, I feel out of place and it feels strange being here.

  “You can sit down.” Landon says, pulling me out of my awkward thoughts.

  “Right.” I reply as I sit down on the sofa. “So...we really need to talk.” I finish as I look up at him.

  “I know.” He replies, sitting down in the chair to my left.

  Silence fills the room, which makes the tension within me, rise. I have never had such an uncomfortable moment with him. I look around as I drum my fingers on my leg.

  “I’ve been thinking...” I begin. “You haven’t really talked to me in weeks, and thought that we should clear up what’s going on. I’m not here to pressure you to tell me, but I need to know. I can’t sit back and wait forever.”

  “I know, but I don’t know what to say. I’m confused.”

  “I get that much, Landon, but we need to figure out what’s going on. I can’t be in the dark with you anymore. I haven’t been able to sleep or even function during the day, because I’ve been worried about you. Please. Talk to me.”

  Landon sits quietly looking at the floor. I can tell I’m making him uncomfortable, and it’s easy to see that he doesn’t want me here. In the past, I couldn’t walk in here without him giving me a kiss before we’d move to the living room. This time he didn’t even suggest it.

  “For the past few weeks, I’ve been dealing with a lot.” Landon begins. “My mother’s cancer isn’t getting any better, despite the fact that she’s been in chemo. Then, your situation scares the hell out of me.”

  “Why?”

  “I’m afraid of waking up one morning and finding you in a pool of your own blood. I don’t want to lose you that would kill me.”

  “That’s why I’m getting help. The urges are still there but when they arise, I seek my support. So far, it’s been working.”

  “That’s good. I’m glad to hear that.”

  “So, what’s going on with us?” I ask, not realizing it slipped out until it’s too late.

  “I think I need time. I can’t handle all of this. Maybe we should focus on our own problems, before we try to maintain a relationship.” He suggests.

  My voice catches in my throat as I try to speak. Patrick was right. I thought maybe there’d be a small bit of hope and that he was wrong. All hope just faded away.

  “What do you mean by ‘take some time’?”

  “We won’t technically split up. Just take time for you. I think it’ll be heal
thy for you.”

  Oh, here we go with that lame ass excuse guys seem to use all the time. Instead of saying what’s really on their mind, they put it off like they’re thinking of the girl over themselves. In other terms, we’re over.

  “You just said you didn’t want to lose me, but then tell me you need time. It doesn’t make sense to me but fine. I’ll do what I need to. Just know that I’m not going to wait forever and that I’ll always love you.” I say this in a pathetic and shaky voice.

  I try to control the tears that threaten to break free. My mouth goes dry, and it feels like the walls are coming in at me. I need to get out of here. I can’t sit and look at him while my heart’s shattering into a million pieces. Without saying another word, I hastily make my exit. I don’t even make it to the car before the tears break out.

  I hold the steering wheel tightly as I sob through pain. This is by far the worst feeling I have felt in a long time. After several minutes of hard crying, I slowly try to pull myself together so I can drive home. I need to get away from this place.

  While wiping away my tears, I put my belt on, and pull out of the driveway. Every now and then another tear escapes, and I swiftly wipe it away. I don’t remember the ride home or the walk to my room. I flop myself down on my bed, and have a hard cry. The release feels great but the heartbreak sucks. I cry loudly, not caring if my mom hears or not. This is too painful not to let it come hard and fast.

  Chapter Twenty Five

  As I wake, the sun is shining directly into my eyes, which are puffy from all the crying the night before. Sleep didn’t come easy. I kept waking up through the night and had to fight myself to stay in bed. The urge to cut is consuming me. So far, I have control and if I can help it, the control will stay in my grasp. I’m determined not to let Landon’s stunt drag me back to the darkness. I’m finally looking at my future with hope in my eyes. I won’t allow him to take that away from me.

  I grab my phone from my purse, and notice the battery died. I lie back down on my bed, and plug the phone in to charge. The urge to turn it on now is present because I want to see if Landon texted me at all.

  I shouldn’t have left the way I did. My stuff is still there, and I have no idea when I’ll see him.

  “Good morning.” Mom says as she pokes her head in. “What’s going on?” She asks, worried.

  “Landon and I broke up last night.” I say in a broken voice.

  “Oh no! I’m sorry!” She says making her way to my bed and sitting down. “Want to talk about it?”

  “I knew it was coming, but no matter how much I tried to prepare myself...it didn’t work. I feel lost again.”

  “Time will heal your pain, honey. Your first heartbreak always feels the worse. My best suggestion for this is loads of ice cream, and a bitch session.”

  “Huh? What are you talking about?”

  She doesn’t say anything as she stands up, and walks out of the room. It doesn’t take her long to return with a pint of my favorite ice cream, cookies and cream, and a spoon.

  “Here take this,” she says, handing the spoon and ice cream over. “Take a bit and then let it out. This is an ice cream and bitch session. Don’t think about anything. Just talk. Ramble on about everything and anything that comes to mind.”

  This is weird but I don’t ask any questions. Even though I just woke up, I’m taking her advice. I’ll try anything to get over this quicker, and push the slowly impending darkness away. Popping open the top of the ice cream, I shove the spoon in, and bring out a huge bite. After shoveling into my mouth, my rant begins.

  “I don’t understand him at all. He was always there for me, but when I need him the most... he’s gone. I understand he’s having problems, but so does everyone. You can’t push away those who love you. I know this from experience. All that does it hurt you more in the long run. He told me that with my cutting and his mother’s cancer... it’s too much stress. I’m blown away. He’s supposedly in love with me, but he can’t see me through a tough time in my life.”

  As I’m rambling about Landon, I start to feel slightly better. My mom winks at me, which encourages me to go on.

  “I can’t believe he talked to Patrick about our relationship, while ignoring me for over two weeks. Where is the fairness in that? Now I understand why he was so distant at the therapy session. He says that he cares, but he still decides to take time for himself. I don’t want to sound conceited, but come on... I’m supposed to be the one he’s in love with, but he can’t talk to me. For some reason I don’t believe that.”

  “Feeling better?” my mom jumps in.

  “Surprisingly, I do. Why does ranting make you feel so much better? All I wanted was for him to be there for me, as I have been for him with his mom. When the doctors told him his mother was getting worse and not better, I stayed up with him all night listening to him curse God. Of course I didn’t agree with his reasons, but I can understand his anger. In the end, I never once took out my anger, or lack of control on him. I didn’t take any of the stress I was under, and put it out like it’s his fault.”

  By the time I was done with my ramble, the ice cream was gone, and the pain had eased. It didn’t totally disappear, but it lessened where I could function without dwelling on it. I handed my spoon and the empty container back to my mom.

  “Thank you.” I say. “I’m off to get ready. I have to pick up Casey, and get to my appointment.”

  I’m glad that this happened with Landon the night before the session with Lily. I desperately needed to talk to her and I can’t wait for Casey to meet her. I know they’re going to get along well.

  Directly after there’s a meeting, and we’re hoping Rachel doesn’t mind if Casey is with me. I know I’ve seen people bring others, but I never actually asked if I could.

  I leave and pick up Casey in record time. Amazingly, I feel great after a night cry and a morning ramble. It’s quite surprising. The ride is short as I fill her in with the most current events, as quickly as I can.

  “He says he wants time, but we all know what that means.”

  “True that, sista.” Casey says, trying to make me laugh.

  “He had the audacity to talk with Patrick about our relationship, but couldn’t talk with me about it. I think that since it’s our relationship, he could ... you know... talk with me about it.”

  “Amber, I hate saying this but you’re actually acting a bit immature. So what if he talked to Patrick. You talk with me all the time about this stuff. At least he didn’t keep you in the dark and have some other broad on the side. It could be a lot worse. He could have been acting that way, because he cheated on you and got her pregnant. So, just be thankful he decided to not only shy away a little, but went to Patrick.”

  Without realizing it, I have been acting like a spoiled brat. Casey’s right.

  “I’m sorry. It hurts, and I know it’s not an excuse. Plus, you make some valid points.” I say, pulling into the parking lot. “We’re here. Let’s get this over with.”

  ****

  Casey and I make our way to the reception desk so I can check in. I notice her looking around in amazement. “Beautiful…isn’t it?” I ask, knowing she’s just as fascinated by the surrounding as I was for the first time I was here.

  “Yeah, it’s amazing.”

  Once I’m finished checking in, we grab a seat and wait. The wait doesn’t take that long, thank goodness, because the silence between us was getting weird. Dr. McKinley calls my name.

  We follow her into her office and take a seat. “I’d like to introduce my sister, Casey.” I say, smiling because it feels good to say that. I never imagined being able to say that for real. Sarah and I played that we were sisters because we were so close, but nothing beats the real thing.

  “It’s great to meet you, Casey. I’m overjoyed to see how much support Amber has in this hard time.” Lily says.

  “Thank you and I couldn’t imagine bailing on her now. She deserves happiness, and if that includes my support, the
n I’m here.” Casey replies.

  I think that’s a bit overboard, but I know she’s only trying to make a good impression.

  “The reason I asked Amber to invite you is, because I want to see your take on what she’s going through. This will help her, because I can adjust her treatment if needed. She’s come very far in such a short time and when the timing is right, she’ll no longer have me. I want to be sure that when this time comes, Amber will have a full support system to help her stay on track.” She says, as she pushes her glasses up. “So, please tell me how you feel about her cutting.”

  “I know I haven’t been the best friend she deserves,” Casey explains. “I’ve done so many things that haven’t really helped in her situation, although at the time I had no clue what she was going through. Finding out we are sisters…changed everything. My dad told me that my sister was out there somewhere; I just didn’t expect her to be right here in front of me. I feel like I owe her.”

  “This is your way of repaying her?” Lily asks.

  “I guess you could say that. Not to mention her douche bag boyfriend decided to bail on her last night, I think she could use all the supportive people in her life that she can get.”

  They continue talking as if I’m not even there. I feel like the third wheel but it’s nice to see Casey interacting, unlike Landon. I didn’t realize how much Casey has changed, since the big secret came out.

  “How are you feeling about everything, since Landon decided to take some time?” Lily asks, looking at me.

  “Ohh…um... you know... I’m surprised. I expected it but didn’t really prepare. I thought he’d be the one here showing his support.”

  “How are the urges since then?”

  This was one question I didn’t want to face. I’ve been fighting them, since he suggested we take time. I don’t want to give in, but I’m afraid that if I am alone, it will eventually happen.

  “The urge to cut is there. I’m trying not to give in, but I don’t know how much more I can take. I’m afraid to be alone.” I say, as a tear runs down my cheek. “I have made it so far, for so long.”