The Boys Who Danced With the Moon

by Mark Paul Oleksiw

  My parents turned away all visitors during my convalescence. In many ways, they brought me to my forgotten shack in the wilderness. I couldn’t blame them. They did try to save me in their way. I’m the one who chose to stay hidden and who chose not to remember. Deep down inside, I knew that I was the one, an angry, petulant child, who threw the puzzle pieces haphazardly into the air. Each piece a memory that somehow I hoped could never be assembled whole again. I leaned slightly on the door, bracing myself and realizing I was no longer a victim.

  I knocked on the door, like a mail carrier with a parcel too big for the mailbox. I could hear the instantaneous movement of feet across the floor. Someone was taking a position inside. I knocked again and this time a voice bellowed. “Who’s there?” The voice was raspy and was followed by a series of spastic coughs.

  “Marius. Is that you?” I realized the stupidity of the question as soon as the words dribbled out. More silence followed. I could almost feel the fuel pouring over his burning soul as he heard my voice.

  “Marius. Can I come in?” Again, there was silence. The silence was thick. I had no choice. I opened the door slightly with my right hand and used it to screen me from his vision. Through the open crack, a figure went from a ghostly apparition to a battered down soul.

  Dressed in a tattered black T-shirt and torn blue jeans stood a figure. His face was buried beneath a thick brown beard. His hair was dirty brown with what seemed like wisps of gray. His hair was unkempt. His eyes were like coals now. I could see cuts and scrapes around his face. My eyes told me what I needed to know. It was indeed Marius. I could sense his presence long before my eyes confirmed it.

  Marius started toward the door very deliberately. I couldn’t see his hands or if he had a weapon with him. He began to look around very tentatively. He suddenly turned to the crack in the door and caught my scrutiny. He took a step back, disbelief filling his eyes. His lips seemed to curl into a sneer. Suddenly he sprung toward the door and through the frame. I had forgotten how quick and athletic he could be. Within a split second, he was behind me. Age had slowed him enough that I quickly moved to the side to face him as he turned.

  “What were you trying to do?” I said, nervously trying to make light of the situation.

  “Jesus Christ. The Savior has indeed returned,” he said mockingly. His hands grabbed onto the lapel of my shirt drawing me close. The whiff of cheap alcohol made me cough. “Did they make a big feast in town for you? Slaughter the finest pig or cow or both? The conquering hero is returning!” He pointed his fingers at me, alternating between them all.

  “Marius, I’m here to explain. I need to speak to you.”

  “Speak to me. Now! Incredible. I don’t need your help anymore. Those days are over.”

  “Marius. I know you saved me once. I know it was you. I wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for you.”

  He slowly backed off and retreated into the cabin. I followed him. I could see the crumbs of food, parts of sandwiches, and could smell the odor of staleness and rot. I saw the bench and a makeshift blanket on it. In the corner on the floor were bottles with no labels. I looked for needles and pill containers. Fortunately, I didn’t find any.

  He went to his wooden bed and turned to me.

  “Why are you suddenly here, after these godforsaken years?”

  His question deflated me. “So you didn’t send me the letter?”

  “What fuckin’ letter? You disappeared better than Houdini. Hiding from us. Why would I try to find you? If anyone wrote letters, it was you. Always scribbling in front of me. You wrote crap, not me.”

  “I don’t know where to start or what to tell you. It was all so wrong what happened. I lost someone I cared about.”

  “So did I. And someone betrayed me.” He said it menacingly and aimed his fingers right at me. I could see the pain bleed from his eyes. It crushed me to see him like this.

  “I know now I should have found you years ago. I was too scared.”

  “Found me. You lied to me. Friends would do anything for friends, right!” He stepped toward me and pushed me on the shoulder with both hands. I kept my balance. “You remember. You told me that. You would have broken Moony’s heart if he didn’t drown.”

  “I decided to stay here and go to school with you. Believe me! Moony knew it. He figured it out that night.”

  “When were you going to tell me? Before or after the funeral?”

  “I was in a coma. My parents told me nothing, Marius. Nothing. When I awoke, I had no memory of what happened.” I was suddenly annoyed for some reason and moving toward him. He seemed surprised with the change in my demeanor. “I couldn’t remember.” I turned my head away from him as the unspeakable truth slid across my tongue only to retreat into my throat and back to the cave from whence it came. “It was so long ago.”

  “I went to visit. Your parents turned me away. Time and time again. They told me I was trouble.”

  “I don’t know what to say. They were wrong.”

  “They’re the ones who told me you were going south to school. Not you. Them!”

  “I closed my mind to everything and every memory.” I tried to sit on the bench next to him. He moved his leg, leaving no room.

  “You never tried to find me or contact me.”

  “I shut myself off to everything that made me happy, Marius. It was my only way to survive it. To live with myself, I needed to hurt myself.”

  “Survive?” He sounded confused.

  “Moony died because of me.”

  He looked at me. The room grew darker as the last rays of the sun splattered defiantly upon the old wood planks.

  “He died because he was scared of those idiots. Don’t think too highly of yourself. It had nothing to do with you.”

  “No, Marius. He was trying to hide something from them. It had everything to do with me. Everything.”

  “What would Moony have to hide?”

  “Moony found my book. It was my journal. Everything that happened that last year: I kept notes with stories, poems, dreams, and hopes. He didn’t want them to get it, so they chased him. I don’t know why he did that. I mean, he jumped in. He was so scared, he jumped in!” I circled Marius as I spoke. I finally settled in front of him. “How could I ever face you or anyone or even remember that he died because of my words.” I was tearing now, witnessing Marius’s face changing and contorting. He started trembling.

  “Marius, I wanted to stay in school with you and Moony. I wanted us to be together. I honestly did. After what happened, I wasn’t worthy. I was scared and ran as far away as I could, both physically and mentally.”

  He was undoubtedly shaking. I thought it might be some withdrawal from whatever he had drunk. His head bent forward and his head tilted to the side. His two large hands rested firmly on his kneecaps and squeezed them.

  “You do remember, Kiran. A long time ago. I told the teacher that the world sucked. Why waste words? Why waste years? It’s all just shadows cast by a vindictive light. I have been places, buddy. Many places, and I was right. There is hatred, anger, despair, and desperation everywhere and death. Geez, Kiran. We laughed at nukes. If only it were that easy. Instead, we got no nukes. We ran around chasing breadcrumbs. No treasure; only a trap at the end of the trail. Moony died. You even see it now, don’t you?” His body tensed up, his teeth clenching. “If they could do that to him. Him, of all people! Imagine what’s in store for us. Life. We survived that night only to suffer longer. You and I, a far worse fate. I guess you see it now, too.” He paused and squeezed his knees again to the rhythm of his breathing. His hands clenched.

  “No. I’ve been dead for too long. There is more to it. There has to be more. Please . . .” Suddenly Marius leaped at me, and his forearms struck the side of my face, glancing violently off my nose as if catapulted by some supernatural force. I could feel the blood slalom down my cheek and into my mou
th. My eyes watered as I dropped to the floor. He was behind me in a flash and racing into the woods. I quickly gained my footing as the droplets trickled onto the ground. I ran out the door and shouted, “Stop. Don’t do it. Please stop.”

  “There is still one way to be with Moony!” he yelled as he turned one last time and raced into the forest. “They will make worm’s meat of me now.” He roared as he ran into the woods.

  I summoned every ounce of energy and gave chase. Blood poured from my nose, and the stinging pain half-blinded me. He got to the top of the hill and briefly disappeared from my sight as he began his descent. I knew it was seconds before I would hear that horrific sound of his body against the water.

  “Are you joining me this time?” I could hear him yell as he ran in front, provoking me.

  I threw myself down the hill and rolled down when I listened to the splash. I was seconds behind. Even in his weakened state, he was strong, but he was swimming toward the current. I knew I had a little time before he would be too far gone. He stopped swimming to look back at me as I cried out. “You can’t do this. Not now.” My nighttime swimming proved its worth as I caught up to him and grabbed on. He suddenly kicked his feet and continued dragging me with him, visibly surprised by my show of athleticism.

  “You can quit anytime.”

  “I’m not abandoning you, Marius; we are leaving this river together. Someone needs to see you. Trust me.”

  “Who?”

  “Moony’s sister. We’re all she has to tell her about her brother. Have an ounce of faith. She brought me back here. She needs you, Marius. She’s been looking for you.”

  He laughed as he kicked harder, trying to pry himself free of my grip. “Right. Nice try.”

  Anger swept up over me at that instance. Or, at least, I thought it was anger, though it was something clearly stronger than anger. It gave me strength to grab onto him by the collar.

  “You never let anyone beat you. Never. Why now? All the crap in this world does exist, and it wants to drown us. I’m not giving up. I am not going to let it beat us. You have to join me and swim!”

  He seemed startled by my plea, although in defiance he kicked again with his legs.

  “Marius, I am not letting go. I’m not. You’re going to have to kill me.” He seemed unsettled by my sudden display of conviction and the strength that now percolated to a boil before him.

  “So be it.”

  “You can’t do this to me, Marius.” My breath was heaving now as my strength was slowly dissipating. “I wrote the notebook because I was in love. I was going to tell her.”

  He stopped kicking and looked at me, confused. The fury dissipated from his brow. He listened attentively. My arms were aching and weak. The waves lashed out at me. I clung to Marius and gripped him hard. I closed my eyes to summon whatever strength I had left. Suddenly I found myself high above the river and could see the endless water. I was climbing a tree that extended to clouds. I saw in the distance a figure standing at the shore. Her eyes shone along the surface of the water and met mine. I opened my eyes and pressed my mouth toward Marius’s ear.

  “You have to let me tell her. You cannot take that away from me. I won’t let you. She must know. I beg you.” I gripped him as hard as I could. I knew I had no more strength. The resolve in my words shocked me as the words did themselves. My arms started going limp and my legs began aching. Water started filling my nose as the waves rocked me in their arms. I slowly lost my grip on Marius when suddenly, as I looked into Marius’s face, I saw pure fire in his eyes. The coals smoldered within his furnace. There was a kick and then another. This time, it was in the opposite direction. I could feel Marius holding me now and keeping me up. His voice was hoarse and almost breathless.

  He yelled in my ear. “You will stay! No matter what?”

  “Yes.”

  He propelled me to safety. When we reached it, we both fell onto the rocky shore. We staggered up onto the grass to safety. We lay on the lawn in silence, shoulder to shoulder, staring at the charcoal-colored sky.

  He then leaned over and punched me on the shoulder. “Are you alive?”

  “Wide awake,” I whispered not to him but to the sky.

  “So, who is she?”

  “Laura Winters,” I said.

  “Really. Wow. I knew it all along.” He burst into laughter and rolled to his side and then sat up next to me. I could see his teeth chewing his lip, suddenly nervous like I had never seen before, and then he lifted his head and stared straight ahead. It was as though endless pools of data were flowing into him and he was processing them all at once.

  “You good?”

  His teeth bit harder and as he opened his mouth I could see the blood from the indentation he had made on his lip. He licked off the blood with his tongue. He looked at me with displeasure.

  “You could have told me. Back then. I could have helped you.” He shook his head. “I told you everything.”

  I dug my elbows into the ground and pushed myself up to be at his level. It was now, after all these years, that I realized how much I profoundly hurt him. I wiped the last remnants of blood that caked my mouth with my sleeve and looked intently at him.

  “Honest to God. I could never explain how I felt back then. Not even to you.”

  “I guess you figured I would make fun of you?”

  “Yes. I didn’t think you would understand about me being in love. I figured you would see it as a childish fantasy.”

  He closed his eyes briefly before a small smirk crept along the lines of his mouth. “I’m sure I would have teased you. I also would have been happy for you and maybe even jealous.”

  “Jealous?” My ears perked up. Marius, jealous of me!

  “Is it so hard to believe? You think I’ve ever been in love? You think it’s that easy?”

  “I just assumed with all those girls you knew .. . .”

  He looked down, realizing he had opened the door to a place hidden miles within a dark forest. His eyes shifted up and took a peek at me before settling back down. I had found his kryptonite.

  “Understand this, I did not leave for anything better. Trust me. Staying would have been better. Not running. Not forgetting. Staying and not quitting.”

  “Your coma cost you your memory. All this time?” He looked at me sympathetically.

  I sighed nervously. My sinister secret finally drifted up from inside the cavern mixed with dust and rust bits. The taste of the river that filled my lungs brought the debris finally to the surface. “No. I never forgot. I’m the one who closed the light. I destroyed every bulb and worshiped the darkness.” I fell back slightly with my revelation. “Everything was my choice.” I put my head down and rested it on my palms. I did not cry. Dead souls do not shed tears and choosing to forget gave me no entitlement to sorrow or forgiveness.

  “Kiran, there are things I’ve seen . . . I never realized how depraved people could be. I wish I could forget. I never had the strength to lock away all those visions in a prison with no keys.”

  “No. Marius. I don’t think you understand. I stopped living that day or part of me stopped. It takes a braver man to face this world than build a fortress to keep it out.”

  “Don’t kid yourself, buddy. I’m not well. I honestly am not. I have nightmares. I see strange things. Sometimes I need a drink. Sometimes too many.”

  “I’m staying to help you. I promise you that. I’ll do whatever it takes to help you. I promise I’m not leaving this time.”

  He looked at me, ignoring my pledge. “So, you never told Laura?”

  I shook my head. “No.”

  “That is pretty stupid,” he said and burst out into a broad grin, ruffling my hair. “I guess you needed me after all.”

  I smiled and looked at him as I reshuffled my hair. “I’m not sure how I would find her . . .” Marius leaned over and closed my m
outh with his wet palm.

  “Shh . . . Tell me about Moony’s sister. You were joking, right?”

  “I’m not making that one up!”

  “Seriously?”

  “I think you could use a good meal and a hot shower. She would be pretty excited to meet you.”

  “You’re serious.”

  “Like I came all this way to pull a fast one on you.”

  His expression slowly changed. His wet hair and beard betrayed a scared little boy. “Kiran, I won’t blame you if you don’t stay. I have a lot of shit I need to deal with.”

  “That is why I’m staying. Friends would do anything for friends.”

  He sat up on the grass with his knees up closer to his chest and looked at the stars. “What you said. I don’t want you to stay for me. You have to stay for her sake. What you said about being in love. That’s why I swam back. I want to know what it’s like one day to find it. Like if you could, I guess I have some hope!”

  “What? Look who you’re talking to. The king of all daydreamers.”

  “But maybe you can tell me what it feels like. The whole love concept and all of that good stuff.” He slowly smiled and looked at me, hope shining in his eyes.

  “Oh, brother, Marius. If you think you’ll learn from watching me, good luck with that.”

  He looked at the stars and coughed. “That bugger up there. He has us playing around in his dream now. You think he’s happy? The two of us here. Wondering about him.”

  I slowly stood up and looked down at him. “Get up, Marius. There’s someone you need to meet. That would make him happy.” We walked back as I told him about Moony’s letter and his sister.

  Marius stopped suddenly on the side of the hill. He pointed over to the rose bush by a tree. He sauntered over to it and arrogantly reached down, picking up the one rose that had flowered and took it in his hands triumphantly.

  “Once a ladies’ man. Always a ladies’ man, eh?” I joked.