Fearless

by Annie Jocoby

  I hoped that I wasn’t a stalker like Nottingham was for me.

  Finally, after about an hour, Luke happened to look my way. I smiled and raised my glass to him, and his entire face lit up. That was definitely encouraging for me, because I was afraid that he would think that I was about to boil his bunny or something. Not that he had a bunny.

  He shook his head at me, a smile on his face, as his attention was trained on yet another patron at the bar. He got that guy’s drink, and then looked at me again, a huge smile on his face. He shrugged his shoulders as he kept getting drink after drink for the people.

  Finally, it seemed that he was able to take a break, because the crowd was starting to thin about 1 AM. He leaped over the bar, not bothering to go through the little door, and rushed over to me.

  “Dalilah, this is probably the best surprise that I have ever had,” he said, as he put his arms around me. I put my arms around him as well, feeling his hard back muscles bulging through his tight black t-shirt. “What brings you to my neck of the woods?”

  “Um, I was in the neighborhood?” I said, knowing that he was going to call bullshit on that. “No, really, I just wanted to see you. I sure do hope that isn’t stalkery or anything.”

  “Of course not. Besides, you can stalk me anytime, anywhere.” Then, at that, one of the other bartenders called him back to the bar, because the patrons were starting to swarm again. “Don’t go away,” he said. “I mean, I have to close, so I hope you don’t mind hanging around until then.”

  “I don’t,” I said. And I really didn’t, although it was usually uncomfortable for me being alone in a bar. It was always so difficult keeping the wolves at bay, and tonight was certainly no exception, as one guy after another came up to hit on me. I turned them all down politely, of course.

  Finally, closing time came and the drunken people were ushered out of the bar by the bouncer. The bouncer came up to me and tried to make me leave as well, but Luke leaped over the bar again and put his hand on the bouncer’s arm.

  “Um, she’s with me,” he said.

  The bouncer looked at me and said “yeah, right, Luke. In your dreams.”

  I smiled sweetly at the bouncer. “No, really. I’m with him.”

  The bouncer looked over at Luke, and nodded his head, a big smile on his face. “Impressed,” he said, and slapped Luke on the shoulder.

  Luke looked back at me and smiled, seemingly embarrassed. “I don’t know what it is with everybody refusing to believe that you might be with a guy like me.” Then he shook his head and headed back behind the bar. “I gotta clean up, but I’ll be ready in two shakes. I promise.”

  I watched him clean up, a smile on his handsome face. He seemed to be really happy that I was there, and that made me feel immensely better.

  Finally, after about a half hour, he leaped from behind the bar again and said “my lady awaits. Do you have a coat and stuff?”

  “Yes,” I said, and I produced it, as I had thrown it over one of the chairs. “Here it is.”

  He helped me on with my coat and hat, and the two of us made our way outside. Light snow was just starting to fall, the first snow of the season. I could see it in the streetlights, and it was just starting to make a light dusting on the sidewalk.

  “I have to say that this was the best surprise ever,” he said, as he tentatively grabbed my hand. He was starting to show snowflakes on this nose and eyelashes, and I thought about how endearing that was. “Um, where would you like to go? I mean, we can find a diner around here that is open all night, I’m sure.”

  I took a deep breath. “Can I see your place, Luke? I’m sure it’s not as bad as you are putting on.”

  He looked at me skeptically for a second, then said “Oh, what the hell. I mean, we can’t very well stay out here in the cold for too much longer.” So, he took my hand and led me into his building. We creaked up the ancient stairs that smelled of urine, and I discreetly stepped over some condoms which were carelessly thrown on some of the steps. I grossed out when I saw a pop bottle that was filled with urine, apparently, but I soldiered on.

  I had to admit that I had never been exposed to such a place before. Not that it turned me off of Luke in the least, because, of course, it didn’t. I was feeling so strongly about him that he could have said that he was homeless, and I would be sleeping on the streets next to him.

  Finally, we got to his apartment on the fourth floor. I wondered, briefly, why he would need bars on his windows, but then I saw the fire escape and realized that would be how the burglars were able to get into his place.

  He opened the door, and I had to admit that the place really was a hovel. It was a studio, like my own, but he only had a futon to sleep on, a television and a coffee table. The place was much smaller than my place, and had the same old-school radiator that I had, which hissed in the corner. He did have proper curtains, though, which heartened me somewhat. At least he didn’t resort to tacking up bedsheets, as I had seen many people do. His hardwood floors were nice, although they did seem original, so they were quite worn. And the rug beneath his coffee table showed excellent taste, as it was multicolored and geometric, which is what I usually preferred as well.

  I smiled, though, even as loud music started blaring from the upstairs apartment. I looked at my watch, seeing that it was 4 AM. “Night owls, huh?” I asked, pointing to the ceiling.

  “You might say that,” he said. He looked thoroughly embarrassed, although I wanted to tell him not to be. “Can I take your coat and offer you a drink of something? Beer, wine, whiskey, water?”

  “A water would be great,” I said. “God knows I need another alcoholic drink like I need a hole in my head.”

  He came back from his tiny kitchen, with the very old-school appliances, a drink of water in his hand for me and one for himself. We sipped it as I looked around the room. He had turned on the stereo, and light electronica music started to waft through the air, as an unfamiliar singer wailed.

  “So,” he said. “Here is chez Luke. Really, it’s okay, you can leave screaming into the night and never come back. I really wouldn’t blame you. God knows I would like to follow you, though.”

  I smiled, and put my hand on his leg. “Don’t be ridiculous, Luke,” I said. “Yeah, this place isn’t exactly a Hamptons mansion, but, no matter. You’re so young, and you really haven’t had the chance to make your name. But I think that things are going to change.”

  He stroked my hair and kissed me lightly on the forehead. “I hope so. Well, if they don’t, I guess it’s the fishery for me. My pop called me today, and told me that he has a job waiting for me. Doesn’t pay a ton, of course, and it really is getting to be grueling work. Because of overfishing, the boats have to go further and further out to catch anything worth the effort. But I have always enjoyed the sea, so it sounds like absolute adventure for me.”

  I quietly drank my water, trying to tamp down the rising sense of panic in my throat that was caused by Luke talking like this. It sounded like he was going to be leaving on the first plane in the morning. I bit my lip as I looked at him. I wanted him so badly to kiss me, but he just sat next to me and didn’t make a move.

  I wanted to tell him what Nottingham had told me. That he, too, thought that Luke was wildly talented and that he was going to talk to some of his partners about featuring him. That would definitely be just the thing to jump-start him and his career.

  But, at the same time, I felt guilty even being with Nottingham earlier. I felt dirty, almost, even though Nottingham and I didn’t do anything at all for me to feel guilty about. I shouldn’t have been alone with him, that’s all. That’s all.

  I was deeply disappointed when Luke finally kissed me on the forehead and said “well, it’s awfully late, Dalilah. I wish that I could provide you better accommodations, but I guess that you’ll have to sleep on my couch. Let me bring you a blanket and a pillow.”

  “Where will you sleep?” I asked him. “Here with me, if you pull out the futon?” I fe
lt hopeful when I said that.

  “I better not,” he said. “I hope you don’t mind if I just get another blanket and pillow and crash out here on the floor next to you.”

  “I feel bad, taking your sleeping accommodations just because I happened to pop by unannounced,” I said. “Let me sleep on the floor.”

  “I won’t hear of that,” he said, giving me a blanket and pillow. “Good night, Dalilah. Sleep tight, and I’ll see you in the morning. No, wait, it is morning. Then I will see you when we both wake up.”

  I smiled, and tried to hide my disappointment that he wasn’t going to sleep in the bed with me.

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  A week went by, and then two. I saw Luke every day for our sessions, and saw Nottingham a few times a week. As little as I possibly could, really, but I felt that I needed to keep that connection going. Nottingham had mentioned that he would be speaking to his partners about Luke’s work, and, thus far, there was no mention of that. So, I felt that I needed to keep up with Nottingham, and, if he still didn’t mention featuring Luke in one of his galleries, then I would bring up the subject once more.

  In the meantime, though, my parents were moving into their place in Montauk. I was excited for them to move there, actually, because I really wanted to see them more. Plus, I was dying for Luke to meet them.

  I brought this up during one of our sessions. There still was an enormous amount of sexual tension between the two of us, as I wanted to ravage him every time I saw him, and I was pretty sure that he felt the same about me. But he still kept his distance from me.

  I started to think that maybe ambushing him at his bar was a bit of a mistake, as I saw his apartment before he was really ready for me to. I knew that he was embarrassed about his living conditions. As much as I wanted to scream out loud to him about how much it didn’t matter to me that he was broke, I didn’t think that would do any good, so I just didn’t broach the topic any more with him.

  But I did manage to convince him to see my parents with me. “My parents are moving to Montauk,” I said to him, as casually as I could. “They want to see me, of course. They’re going to take me to dinner at Eleven Madison this Friday night. I would absolutely love it if you could come.”

  His face got beet red. “I’d love to meet your parents, Dalilah. Perhaps I could join up after dinner and meet you guys for a drink or something? I mean, I’m so sorry, but I don’t have proper clothing for that place. I don’t own a suit or anything.”

  Of course, dummy. Of course he doesn’t have clothes for that place. “Well,” I said. “You look like you probably would wear the same size clothing as my father. You’re the same height and same build and everything. Maybe he could bring an extra suit for you?” I looked at him hopefully.

  He seemed hesitant. “God, that is so embarrassing to ask for that. But, if it means that much to you, then, sure, sure. Your dad can bring one of his suits for me. I might even get a haircut. And, you’ll find that I clean up nicely.”

  Inside, I was jumping for joy. Luke was going to have dinner with me and my mom and dad! I just knew that my dad was going to love him. My mom, too, but my dad especially. My father was such an amazing artist, and he was really going to get Luke, I just knew.

  “Yay!” I said to Luke. “I’ll call my dad immediately and tell him to bring something for you.”

  So, it was set for us to meet mom and dad that Friday night at the swankiest restaurant in town. I couldn’t wait.

  ∞

  But, before I saw my parents, I had to see what Nick was wanting. He had left several messages for me to call him, messages that I had been ignoring. I knew that his next step would be to call my father, though, so I reluctantly gave him a call.

  “Dalilah,” he said, picking up the phone. “Thanks for finally getting back to me.”

  “Well, I figured that I should call you, seeing as I’m going to be seeing my dad this Friday night. I didn’t want you talking to him before I could talk to you. So, what’s up?”

  “I’m not going to beat around the bush. You shouldn’t be seeing Blake Nottingham. Ever.”

  “I figured that was what this phone call was about. Give me the dirty on him.”

  “He’s a pervert. He saw you at a party that I was throwing, and started asking everybody in the party about you. You were only 17 at the time, and he was 27. I wanted to break his legs that night.”

  “I know about that,” I said. “He told me all about that.”

  “And you still want to see him?”

  “Yes,” I simply said. “I do.” I didn’t want to go into it with him exactly why I wanted to see Nottingham. It wasn’t his business.

  “Okay, then,” he said. “Listen, I’m not one to repeat gossip, but I promised your father that I would look after you as much as I could. So, I need to warn you. I heard that Nottingham was into BDSM, pretty hard-core.”

  I rolled my eyes. Another revelation designed to shock, and I already know all about it. Still, I decided to humor him. “Oh? And how to you know this?”

  “A good friend at work goes to a fetish club and sees Nottingham there all the time. From what I understand, he doesn’t go easy on his submissives, either. Stay away from him, Dalilah, unless you’re into that. Which I would like to think that you’re not.”

  “I’m not,” I said. “Well, okay, then. I appreciate you looking after me, I really do, but I’m all grown up now and can make my own decisions. I love you, though, you know that.”

  “I love you too, Dalilah. Your dad would kill me, though, if he knew that I withheld pertinent information from you about somebody you are apparently dating. I know that I can’t force you do to anything, but, please, Dalilah, reconsider going out with that man.”

  “I’ll think about it,” I said. “Well, if there isn’t anything else…”

  “No,” he said. “But take care.”

  “You too. It was really good to run into you guys.”

  “Keep in touch.”

  “I will.”

  At that, we hung up.

  I took a deep breath. Nick gave me no new information, of course. And, as much as I wanted to tell Nick the real reason for my dating Nottingham, I didn’t. I guess I really didn’t want Nick to know about that manipulative side of me. I wanted him to always see me as the good girl that I was when I was living with him.

  Of course, he knew differently, because Nottingham had apparently put the bug in his ear about my drinking heavily and sleeping around. Which made me think that Nick and Nottingham, in general, were on reasonably friendly terms. They probably were, but Nick no doubt drew the line about a guy like that dating me. It would almost be as if some guy that I cared about as a friend dated Alaina. I wouldn’t be down with that, at all, because of the way Alaina ate men for breakfast. So, I could see why Nick gave Nottingham the stink-eye. I also didn’t blame him for that.

  So, big whoop, I thought. Nick doesn’t want Nottingham dating me, and for good reason. Well, he can join the club. I didn’t want Nottingham dating me, either. And I knew that I wouldn’t be dating Nottingham for much longer. The time was going to come when I would try to oh-so-sweetly remind Nottingham that he was going to talk to his partners about featuring Luke in one of his upcoming shows, and, hopefully, that would happen.

  What I didn’t know was that my intervention wouldn’t be necessary after all. To my surprise and delight, I soon found out that Nottingham was going to do exactly as I wanted, without my having to say another word about it.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Luke

  I was increasingly falling very deeply in love with Dalilah. Much to my own chagrin and dismay. If I could, I would stay far away from her, because she represented disaster for me. Somebody that I could never really have, yet I was continually pining away for – it felt like such a fool’s errand, no matter how many times she tried to tell me that she felt the same way about me as I did about her.

  What was great was that she not only was inspir
ing my art, but she was also inspiring my songwriting. I found myself writing love song after love song, fancying myself to be the next Lennon/McCartney after all. Some were sweet ballads, others were grungy rock songs, but all were supremely inspired. Who knows? I thought. Perhaps that would be my way of making my millions.

  And, if I made my millions, I would marry that girl immediately.

  So, that was really the goal. Find some way to become wealthy. Because I didn’t want to be some fool who was struggling on a middle-class income even. That wouldn’t do. Dalilah was used to luxury and opulence and a certain pedigree. A pedigree which I didn’t yet have, but hoped to obtain one day.

  Yet, I was far, far away from even a middle-class income. So, being with her was SO out of the question, at least until I could figure out a way to make my millions.

  I had sent my songs to every top producer I could think of. I Googled them, and did the querying and cold-calling. No dice, of course. Songwriting was like art, really. You have to get really, really lucky to make it. You pretty much have to sacrifice a goat or something. And I didn’t want to sacrifice a goat. I liked goats.

  Then, one day, a call came in that changed my life.

  ∞

  It was the Thursday before I was due to meet Dalilah’s parents. I was going crazy with nervousness. I was quite sure that the father would automatically assume that I wasn’t good enough for their daughter, since I didn’t even have enough money to buy my own suit. The mom, too, although I automatically felt more comfortable about meeting Dalilah’s mother, as Dalilah told me that her mom grew up as broke as my family. I imagined that perhaps Dalilah’s mother might have become a snob through getting wealthy, but Dalilah assured me that wasn’t the case.

  “You don’t understand my mom,” she said. “She briefly divorced my dad when she was pregnant with me. Long story. Anyhow, when she divorced him, she went to work at Whole Foods to support herself. Even though dad gave her a shit-ton of money to live off of. And that’s typical of her mentality. She still thinks like her working-class parents. That’s why she’s so flipping cool, and also why my dad loves her. Because he’s as unpretentious as she is. So, relax.”