Baby, It's Christmas & Hold Me, Cowboy

by Susan Mallery

  “Around eleven,” he said. He swallowed. “So you’ll really be back?”

  She touched his arm. Through the soft, worn sweatshirt, she felt the firmness of his muscles. She squeezed. “Don’t worry. You’ll be fine. Ryan and Patricia are here. She’ll give you your baby lesson, and that will give you the confidence you need to handle this. Remember when you first started working for the construction company? Didn’t you have a lot of things to learn?”

  He nodded. “But if I screwed up I wasn’t messing up a kid.”

  “You’re not going to mess her up. In fact, I’m willing to bet you’re really going to like being a father.”

  “Yeah?”

  She released him. “I promise. See you later.”

  With that she got in her car and started the engine. As she backed down the driveway, she couldn’t suppress a faint thrill of excitement that she was going to be coming back later. She wanted to spend more time with Tanner. She told herself it was because of the baby and nothing else, but she wasn’t sure that she really believed that. In her heart of hearts, she knew that somehow it had become something more.

  * * *

  “Okay, I know you’re worried,” Tanner said as he carefully steered his Explorer onto the main road. He had to force himself to merge with traffic when all he wanted to do was drive twenty in the slow lane so he could be sure they got home safely.

  At the stoplight, he quickly glanced over his shoulder and saw his daughter sleeping soundly in her car seat. Hope and love and terror battled it out in his chest. He felt like he’d been sucker punched and handed his heart’s desire, all in the same moment. Nothing was ever going to be the same again.

  “We’ll get through this,” he told her, then returned his attention to the road. “I’ve screwed up more than once in my life, but I swear I’ll do my damnedest not to screw up with you.” He paused and cleared his throat. “I should probably start by not swearing in front of you, huh? Sorry about that. See, I don’t have any practice at being a father. Fortunately you don’t have any practice at being a kid, either. So we’ll learn together. I’ll be here for you, no matter what. I learned that from my brother. Ryan was always there for me. He did a good job, and he was only a year older than me. I’ve got thirty-seven years on you, kid.”

  He looked at her again. “Thirty-seven. Does that sound old to you?” Not surprisingly, she didn’t answer.

  He drew in a breath. He couldn’t remember ever being this unsure of himself. He didn’t want to break her or hurt her in some way. How did people become parents more than once? The task seemed so daunting. Maybe it got easier with practice. He could only hope.

  He turned right at the next signal and entered his neighborhood. Ryan had wanted to come along while he picked up his daughter, but Patricia had said he had to do this by himself. The sooner he got used to being alone with her, the better for the both of them.

  Tanner frowned. “We can’t keep calling you ‘her’ or ‘the baby.’ We’re going to have to come up with a name. I wish you could tell me what you’d like...or at least what you’d hate.”

  He pulled into his driveway, which circled in front of the large, two-story house.

  “This is it,” he said as he switched off the engine. “You’re home.”

  His daughter wasn’t overly impressed. She continued to sleep as he unstrapped her car seat. He slung the bag of supplies the hospital had sent home with him over one shoulder, then picked up the seat and carried it, and his daughter, inside.

  Ryan and Patricia were waiting in the foyer. “How did it go?” his brother asked.

  “Okay.” He let the bag slip to the floor and held out the carrier. “Here she is.” He stared down doubtfully. “She’s sleeping.”

  “Don’t complain. She’ll be up soon enough. Come see what we did.”

  He followed them upstairs and into his daughter’s room. While he was gone, Ryan had finished putting together the three-drawer changing table, and Patricia had put all the clothes and linens away.

  “Newborn-size clothes are in the top drawer,” she said, pulling it open to show him. “Everything else is in the lower drawers. Oh, and I hung the dress in the closet.”

  He glanced over his shoulder and saw the tiny dress hanging alone on the rack. It looked impossibly small and foreign. He sucked in his breath.

  “I, ah, guess I’d better get her in bed,” he said.

  “Absolutely. I washed the sheets and the comforter. They’ve only been out of the dryer a few minutes, so they’re probably even still warm,” she said helpfully.

  Tanner glanced at Ryan, but his brother shook his head. “You’re going to have to learn how to do this sometime. Might as well be now.”

  Tanner grunted because the alternative was to say something unpleasant, and he’d already promised his daughter he wasn’t going to do that.

  First he unfastened the straps holding her in place. Carefully, supporting his baby’s head the way Patricia and the nurse at the hospital had shown him, he lifted her from the car seat and cradled her against the crook of his arm. Then he crossed the room and gently put her in the crib.

  She barely stirred. Then her big blue eyes opened, she wiggled once, yawned and drifted back off to sleep.

  “I guess you’re really a dad now,” Ryan said and slapped him on the back. “Congratulations.”

  “Thanks. I’ve got to do something about a name.” He glanced at his brother. “I was thinking about Cecilia after our mother. I like it, but it sounds stuffy for such a little girl, so I was thinking that would be her real name, but we’d call her Lia.”

  Ryan nodded. “I like it.”

  “Me, too,” said Patricia, then sniffed. “Let’s go downstairs. If I stay here much longer, she’s going to make me want another baby.”

  Both men hustled her out of the room. They went downstairs into the family room. Tanner remembered the baby monitor and had to run back up to get it. He turned on the unit on the dresser, clicked on the one in his hand, pausing by the crib.

  “Hi, Lia,” he murmured. “I’m glad you’re sleeping. You should think about sleeping a lot. That would give your old man a break. Want to give it a try?”

  Because he couldn’t help himself, he stroked the back of his index finger against her cheek. The warm skin was so incredibly soft. She barely stirred.

  “I don’t usually fall this fast, kid, but you seem to have a firm grip on my heart. I guess we’re stuck with each other.”

  Despite the fear, he knew then that there was nowhere else he would rather be.

  Chapter 5

  Tanner glanced at his watch as he walked down the stairs. It had been all of twenty minutes, and so far, so good. If the next twenty years would go as smoothly, he might just get the hang of this whole parenting thing.

  As he stepped into the family room, he saw Patricia leaning against Ryan. His brother had his arms around his wife, and they were talking quietly. Nothing about their posture was sexual, yet Tanner sensed the intimacy between them. Ryan had been lucky enough, or smart enough, to find an extraordinary woman to share his life. They’d been married almost ten years, and if anything, they were more affectionate today than they’d been in the beginning. Patricia was a model wife and mother, very loving.

  Tanner pushed down the unexpected surge of envy. He reminded himself that he’d never been one for commitments. Of course, he’d never gotten the point of kids either and now he had one. Everything changed.

  Ryan glanced up and saw him. “Patricia and I are going to let you off the hook about babysitting the kids,” he said.

  Tanner stared blankly. “What are you talking about?”

  Ryan grinned. “See, that’s what happens. You get a child in the house, and the parents start losing their minds. The first thing to go is short-term memory. Trust me on this.
It’s only going to get worse.”

  Patricia shook her head. “What your big brother is trying to say is that we have that second honeymoon planned for December. With a newborn in the house, you’re not really in a position to take care of three more children.”

  Tanner set the baby monitor on the counter closest to the family room and ran his fingers through his hair. “You’re right. I did forget.” When Ryan and Patricia had decided to go away, he’d offered to take their kids for the long weekend. Lily, Patricia’s mom and their usual source for live-in help, was going to be taking a cruise with her sister.

  “Look, this is your anniversary,” Tanner said. “I still want to take the kids. Drew’s a big help with his younger brother and sister, and I don’t want you two worrying. You’re barely going to get away for more than a weekend as it is.”

  Ryan and Patricia exchanged a look. “We’ll find someone else,” Patricia said firmly. “It’s sweet of you to offer, but you have no idea what you’re getting into. Having a baby in the house changes everything. We’ll arrange child care for our little monsters.” She glanced at her watch, then at Ryan. “We need to be going,” she said.

  Ryan nodded. “She’s right.” He tapped his shirt pocket. “I’ve got my cell phone with me—call if you need anything.”

  They were leaving? Tanner fought down a sudden surge of panic. “You guys can stay a little longer, can’t you?”

  “Sorry.” Patricia picked up her purse and slung it over one shoulder. “I’ll be in touch later this afternoon with a couple of numbers for baby nurses. I have two in mind, and I think one of them is available.”

  He watched helplessly as they headed for the front door. “What do I do if she wakes up?”

  “Take care of her,” Patricia said. “Check her diaper. Then feed her.”

  “I don’t know how.”

  “Yes, you do. We went over it this morning.”

  Yeah, right. Like practicing on a doll was the same as feeding a baby. “But...”

  “Be sure to check the temperature of the formula and burp her when you’re done,” Patricia said, giving him a reassuring smile. “If you get into trouble, call. Ryan and I can be back here in less than twenty minutes.”

  He would prefer they didn’t leave at all, but he couldn’t bring himself to insist that they stay.

  “Sure,” he said with a confidence he didn’t feel. “We’ll be fine.”

  They waved as they walked out the front door. Tanner wanted to go running after them and beg them to move in with him for the next two or three years. Maybe he should ask Patricia to find a baby nurse who could start today, in the next fifteen minutes.

  He paced the length of the family room, then turned and stared at the baby monitor. It was just a matter of time until Lia woke up and started crying. Dear God, what was he going to do?

  * * *

  “Hush, Lia,” Tanner pleaded as he rocked his daughter in his arms.

  When she’d awakened a little more than an hour before, he’d rushed upstairs at the first whisper of her cry. He’d checked her diaper, which had been dry. He’d carefully fed her. After double-checking the temperature of the formula, he’d positioned her as both Patricia and the nurse in the hospital had shown him. Lia had taken to the bottle with no trouble at all. When she’d finished her meal, he’d held her against his shoulder and patted her back until she’d let out an impressive burp. But since then, all she’d done was cry.

  The harsh, hiccuping sound made him frantic. Did she have a temperature? Was she sick? Had he given her too much formula or not enough?

  She drew in her breath and let out another sob. Her face was all scrunched up, with her eyes squeezed tightly closed and her tiny fists waving in the air.

  “No one should be this unhappy,” he murmured to her as he rocked her back and forth. In the past twenty minutes it felt as if her weight had doubled. He paced the length of the downstairs and wondered if he should just give up and call Patricia.

  Before he could decide, the doorbell rang. He rushed to the foyer and pulled it open.

  Kelly stood on the porch, holding several plastic grocery bags. “I brought supplies,” she said over the sound of Lia’s crying. “From the drugstore. Baby wash, diaper wipes, that sort of thing.” She stepped into the entrance and glanced at Lia. “What’s wrong?”

  He resisted the urge to hold out the screaming child to her to fix. “I don’t know. When she woke up, she was fine. I fed her and burped her. I thought she’d go back to sleep.”

  Kelly crossed to the kitchen, where she set down her bags. “What about her diaper?”

  “I checked it first thing.”

  Kelly began unpacking the bags. He clamped down on his frustration. How could she be so calm about this? Something could be seriously wrong with Lia. Didn’t she want to recommend that he rush her to the emergency room?

  “Did you check her diaper after you fed her?”

  He blinked at the question. “After?”

  She gave him a quick smile. “Sometimes babies go after they eat, rather than before. Sometimes they go both times. Have you checked recently?”

  Just then he caught the odor of something...not pleasant. He swallowed. “Do I have to?”

  “Oh yes. And before you think of passing that job off on me, I’ll just go ahead and mention I have a lot more stuff in my car. I’ll bring it in right now.”

  With that, she disappeared.

  Tanner stared at his daughter. “About this poop thing,” he said. “I’m not up to it. Maybe you should just dispose of everything in liquid form. What do you think?”

  She gave another cry, so he headed up the stairs. Two minutes later he had her on the changing table and was staring at something that looked like a prop out of an alien horror movie.

  “What is it?” he asked when he heard Kelly’s footsteps in the hall. “It’s disgusting.”

  “It’s something you’re going to have to get used to.” She poked her head into the bedroom and grinned. “It could be worse.”

  He looked up. “How?”

  “She could be a boy. They are notorious for sending up a little shower while they’re having their diapers changed.”

  “Great,” he muttered, returning his attention to his daughter. “There are too many firsts for me, sweet Lia. Bringing you home, your first bottle, now this first diaper. Things are moving too fast. Let’s all just relax for a bit and catch up, okay?”

  She’d stopped crying. He gently wiped her bottom, collected a new diaper and set it into place. Her gaze seemed to look at his face, and, as usual, her expression was faintly worried.

  “I think she knows I’m clueless,” he told Kelly. “She’s got this look on her face as if she’s sure I’m going to drop her or something.”

  “All babies do that,” Kelly said, walking over and smiling down at Lia. “I heard your daddy call you by a name. Lia. Do you like it?”

  Lia responded by fluttering her eyelids a couple of times, then dozing off.

  “I’ll take that as a yes,” Kelly said.

  He glanced at her and saw she carried an armful of supplies. He saw baby wash, baby shampoo, cotton balls and swabs, tiny washcloths and a host of other boxes and jars he didn’t want to even think about. Babies required way too much stuff as it was. How was he supposed to keep it all straight? What if he used the wrong product on the wrong part?

  “Don’t go there,” she warned as he buttoned Lia back into her sleeper.

  “Go where?”

  “You’re getting nervous. I can see it in your eyes.”

  Her eyes were a hazel brown, and this close he could see flecks of gold in the irises. They were wide and pretty, and perfectly set off by the fringe of bangs falling almost to her eyebrows. She didn’t wear any makeup that he could see. Even so, her la
shes were long and thick, and her skin smooth.

  He picked up Lia. “I don’t want to get it wrong.”

  Kelly nodded at the sleeping infant. “So far, so good. Why don’t you set her down, and I’ll go put this stuff in her bathroom?”

  He watched as Kelly crossed the room and disappeared through the doorway; then he carefully set his daughter into her crib. She barely moved as he pulled the comforter up to her chest. Kelly met him in the hall.

  “I’ve put the bath supplies on the counter. For the next few months, you’ll be using a small baby tub. I wasn’t sure if you’d do that in her room or downstairs in the kitchen sink.”

  “The kitchen sink? She’s not a piece of zucchini.”

  Kelly grinned. “I know, but the sink is at least at a decent height. With the bathtub, you’ll be all bent over.”

  “Oh. I hadn’t thought of that.” But then there were dozens of things he hadn’t thought of yet. Like the baby monitor. He checked it to make sure it was turned on, then led Kelly down to the family room.

  There were more shopping bags waiting there. He stared at the pile. “Please tell me that everything comes with instructions,” he said.

  “Pretty much. And if it doesn’t, you’ll find out about it in the baby book I gave you. Or you can ask me while I’m here.”

  “Patricia’s getting me a baby nurse,” he said, hoping the nurse would arrive soon with about fifteen years of experience. “So I can ask her, as well.”

  “You’re all covered.”

  He still felt like he was a nonswimmer who’d been thrown into the ocean, but he didn’t tell her that. “Want something to drink?” he asked, walking into the kitchen and pulling open the refrigerator door. “I have different sodas.”

  “Anything diet?” she asked.

  He glanced at her, at her long legs in tailored slacks and the casual shirt she’d tucked into the waistband. She was tall, athletic-looking and very appealing.

  “Sure,” he said. “But tell me why?”

  She glanced down at herself and laughed. “I’m not on a diet, if that’s what you mean. But one of the reasons is I’m cautious about what I eat. I choose my calories carefully, and, to me, soda is a waste. So I prefer the low-cal version.”