Baby, It's Christmas & Hold Me, Cowboy

by Susan Mallery

  She had never felt much of that in the rest of her life. Often she felt like she was fighting against so much. Having something like this, something that made her feel both small and powerful had been essential to her well-being. Especially during all that crap that had happened ten years ago. She had been thinking more about it lately. Honestly, it had all started because of Christopher, because she had been considering breaking her celibacy. And it had only gotten worse after she actually had. After Sam.

  Mostly because she couldn’t stop thinking about him. Mostly because she felt like one weekend could never be enough. And she needed it to be. She badly needed it to be. She needed to be able to have sex with a guy without having lingering feelings for him. David had really done a number on her, and she did not want another number done on her.

  It was for the best if she never saw Sam again. She knew that was unlikely, but it would be better. She let out a deep breath, walking into the barn, her riding boots making a strident sound on the hardpacked dirt as she walked in. Then she saw movement toward the end of the barn, someone coming out of one of the stalls.

  She froze. It wasn’t uncommon for there to be other people around. Her family employed a full staff to keep the ranch running smoothly, but for some reason this felt different. And a couple of seconds later, as the person came into view, she realized why.

  Black cowboy hat, broad shoulders, muscular forearms. That lean waist and hips. That built, muscular physique that she was intimately acquainted with.

  Dear Lord. Sam McCormack was here.

  She had known that there would be some compromise on the never-seeing-him-again thing; she had just hoped that it wouldn’t be seeing him now.

  “Sam,” she said, because she would be damned if she appeared like she had been caught unawares. “I didn’t expect you to be here.”

  “Your father wanted to make sure that all of the horses were in good shape before the holidays, since it was going to delay my next visit.”

  Maddy gritted her teeth. Christmas was in a couple of weeks, which meant her family would be having their annual party. The festivities had started to become a bit threadbare and brittle in recent years. Now that everybody knew Nathan West had been forced to sell off all of his properties downtown. Now that everyone knew he had a bastard son, Jack Monaghan, whose existence Nathan had tried to deny for more than thirty years. Yes, now that everybody had seen the cracks in the gleaming West family foundation, it all seemed farcical to Maddy.

  But then, seeing as she had been one of the first major cracks in the foundation, she supposed that she wasn’t really entitled to be too judgmental about it. However, she was starting to feel a bit exhausted.

  “Right,” she returned, knowing that her voice sounded dull.

  “Have you seen Christopher?”

  His question caught her off guard, as did his tone, which sounded a bit hard and possessive. It was funny, because this taciturn man in front of her was more what she had considered Sam to be before they had spent those days in the cabin together. Those days—where they had mostly been naked—had been a lot easier. Quieter. He had smiled more. But then, she supposed that any man receiving an endless supply of orgasms was prone to smiling more. They had barely gotten out of bed.

  They had both been more than a little bit insatiable, and Maddy hadn’t minded that at all. But this was a harsh slap back to reality. To a time that could almost have been before their little rendezvous but clearly wasn’t, because his line of questioning was tinged with jealousy.

  “No. As you guessed, I lied to him and didn’t call him.”

  “And he call you?”

  Maddy lifted her fingernail and began to chew on it, grimacing when she realized she had just ruined her manicure. “He did call,” she said, her face heating slightly. “And I changed his name in my phone book to Don’t Answer.”

  “Why did you do that?”

  “Obviously you can’t delete somebody from your phone book when you don’t want to talk to them, Sam. You have to make sure that you know who’s calling. But I like the reminder that I’m not speaking to him. Because then my phone rings and the screen says Don’t Answer, and then I go, ‘Okay.’”

  “I really do pity the man who ends up wanting to chase after you.”

  “Good thing you don’t. Except, oh wait, you’re here.”

  She regretted that as soon as she said it. His gaze darkened, his eyes sweeping over her figure. Why did she want to push him?

  Why did she always want to push him?

  “You know why I’m here.”

  “Yes, because my daddy pays you to be here.” She didn’t know why she said that. To reinforce the difference between them? To remind him she was Lady of the Manor, and that regardless of his bank balance he was socially beneath her? To make herself look like a stupid rich girl he wouldn’t want to mess around with anyway. Honestly, these days it was difficult for her to guess at her own motives.

  “Is this all part of your fantasy? You want to be...taken by the stable boy or something? I mean, it’s a nice one, Maddy, and I didn’t really mind acting it out with you last weekend, but we both know that I’m not exactly the stable boy and you’re not exactly the breathless virgin.”

  Heat streaked through her face, rage pooling in her stomach. “Right. Because I’m not some pure, snow-white virgin, my fantasies are somehow wrong?” It was too close to that wound. The one she wished wasn’t there. The one she couldn’t ignore, no matter how much she tried.

  “That wasn’t the point I was making. And anyway, when your whole fantasy about a man centers around him being bad for you, I’m not exactly sure where you get off trying to take the moral-outrage route.”

  “I will be as morally outraged as I please,” she snapped, turning to walk away from him.

  He reached out, grabbing hold of her arm and turning her back to face him, taking hold of her other arm and pulling her forward. “Everything was supposed to stay back up at those cabins,” he said, his voice rough.

  “So why aren’t you letting it?” she spat. Reckless. Shaky. She was a hypocrite. Because she wasn’t letting it rest either.

  “Because you walked in in those tight pants and it made it a lot harder for me to think.”

  “My breeches,” she said, keeping the words sharp and crisp as a green apple, “are not typically the sort of garment that inspire men to fits of uncontrollable lust.” Except she was drowning in a fit of uncontrollable lust. His gaze was hot, his hands on her arms even hotter. She wanted to arch against him, to press her breasts against his chest as she had done more times than she could count when they had been together. She wanted... She wanted the impossible. She wanted more. More of him. More of everything they had shared together, even though they had agreed that would be a bad idea.

  Even though she knew it was something she shouldn’t even want.

  “Your pretty little ass in anything would make a man lose his mind. Don’t tell me those breeches put any man off, or I’m gonna have to call you a liar.”

  “It isn’t my breeches that put them off. That’s just my personality.”

  “If some man can’t handle you being a little bit hard, then he’s no kind of man. I can take you, baby. I can take all of you. And that’s good, since we both know you can take all of me.”

  “Are you just going to be a tease, Sam?” she asked, echoing back a phrase that had been uttered to her by many men over the years. “Or is this leading somewhere?”

  “You don’t want it to lead anywhere, you said so yourself.” He released his hold on her, taking a step back.

  “You’re contrary, Sam McCormack—do you know that?”

  He laughed. “That’s about the only thing anyone calls me. We both know what I am. The only thing that confuses me is exactly why you seem surprised by it now.”

  Sh
e was kind of stumped by that question. Because really, the only answer was sex. That she had imagined that the two of them being together, that the man he had been during that time, meant something.

  Which proved that she really hadn’t learned anything about sexual relationships, in spite of the fact that she had been so badly wounded by one in the past. She had always known that she had a hard head, but really, this was ridiculous.

  But it wasn’t just her head that was hard. She had hardened up a considerable amount in the years since her relationship with David. Because she’d had to. Because within the equestrian community, she had spent the years following that affair known as the skank who had seriously jeopardized the marriage of an upright member of the community. Never mind that she had been his student. Never mind that she had been seventeen years old, a virgin who had believed every word that had come out of the esteemed older man’s mouth. Who had believed that his marriage really was over and that he wanted a life and a future with her.

  It was laughable to her now. Any man nearing his forties who found himself able to relate to a seventeen-year-old on an emotional level was a little bit suspect. A married one, in a position of power, was even worse. She knew all of that. She knew it down to her bones. Believing it was another thing.

  So sometimes her judgment was in doubt. Sometimes she felt like an idiot. But she was much more equipped to deal with difficult situations now. She was a lot pricklier. A lot more inured.

  And that was what came to her defense now.

  “Sam, if you still want me, all you have to do is say it. Don’t you stand there growling because you’re hard and sexually frustrated and we both agreed that it would only be that one weekend. Just be a man and admit it.”

  “Are you sure you should be talking to me like that here? Anyone can catch us. If I backed you up against that wall and kissed your smart mouth, then people would know. Doesn’t it make you feel dirty? Doesn’t it make you feel ashamed?” His words lashed at her, made her feel all of those things but also aroused her. She had no idea what was wrong with her. Except that maybe part of it was that she simply didn’t know how to feel desire without feeling ashamed. Another gift from her one and only love affair.

  “You’re the one that’s saying all of this. Not me,” she said, keeping her voice steely. She lifted a shoulder. “If I didn’t know better, I would say you have issues. I don’t want to help you work those out.” A sudden rush of heat took over, a reckless thought that she had no business having, that she really should work to get a handle on. But she didn’t.

  She took a deep breath. “I don’t have any desire to help you with your issues, but if you’re horny, I can help you with that.”

  “What the hell?”

  “You heard me,” she said, crossing her arms and giving him her toughest air. “If you want me, then have me.”

  * * *

  Sam could hardly believe what he was hearing. Yet again, Madison West was propositioning him. And this time, he was pissed off. Because he wasn’t a dog that she could bring to heel whenever she wanted to. He wasn’t the kind of man who could be manipulated.

  Even worse, he wanted her. He wanted to say yes. And he wasn’t sure he could spite his dick to soothe his pride.

  “You can’t just come in here and start playing games with me,” he said. “I’m not a dog that you can call whenever you want me to come.”

  He let the double meaning of that statement sit between them. “That isn’t what I’m doing,” she said, her tone waspish.

  “Then what are you doing, Madison? We agreed that it would be one weekend. And then you come in here sniping at me, and suddenly you’re propositioning me. I gave in to all of this when you asked the first time, because I’m a man. And I’m not going to say no in a situation like the one we were in. But I’m also not the kind of man you can manipulate.”

  Color rose high in her cheeks. “I’m not trying to manipulate you. Why is it that men are always accusing me of that?”

  “Because no man likes to be turned on and then left waiting,” he returned.

  The color in her cheeks darkened, and then she turned on one boot heel and walked quickly away from him.

  He moved after her, reaching out and grabbing hold of her arm, stopping her. “What? Now you’re going to go?”

  “I can’t do this. I can’t do this if you’re going to wrap all of it up in accusations and shame. I’ve been there. I’ve done it, Sam, and I’m not doing it again. Trust me. I’ve been accused of a lot of things. I’ve had my fill of it. So, great, you don’t want to be manipulated. I don’t want to be the one that has to leave this affair feeling guilty.”

  Sam frowned. “That’s not what I meant.”

  She was the one who was being unreasonable, blowing hot and cold on him. How was it that he had been the one to be made to feel guilty? He didn’t like that. He didn’t like feeling anything but irritation and desire for her. He certainly didn’t want to feel any guilt.

  He didn’t want to feel any damn thing.

  “Well, what did you mean? Am I a tease, Sam? Is that what I am? And men like you just can’t help themselves?”

  He took a step back. “No,” he said. “But you do have to make a decision. Either you want this, or you don’t.”

  “Or?”

  “Or nothing,” he said, his tone hard. “If you don’t want it, you don’t want it. I’m not going to coerce you into anything. But I don’t do the hot-and-cold thing.”

  Of course, he didn’t really do any kind of thing anymore. But this, this back and forth, reminded him too much of his interaction with Elizabeth. Actually, all of it reminded him a little bit too much of Elizabeth. This seemingly soft, sweet woman with a bit of an edge. Someone who was high-class and a little bit luxurious. Who felt like a break from his life on the ranch. His life of rough work and solitude.

  But after too much back and forth, it had ended. And he didn’t speak to her for months. Until he had gotten a call that he needed to go to the hospital.

  He gritted his teeth, looking at Madison. He couldn’t imagine anything with Madison ending quite that way, not simply because he refused to ever lose his control the way he had done with Elizabeth, but also because he couldn’t imagine Maddy slinking off in silence. She might go hot and cold, but she would never do it quietly.

  “Twelve days. There are twelve days until Christmas. That’s what I want. Twelve days to get myself on the naughty list. So to speak.” She leveled her blue gaze with his. “If you don’t want to oblige me, I’m sure Christopher will. But I would much rather it be you.”

  “Why?” He might want this, but he would be damned if he would make it easy for her. Mostly because he wanted to make it a little harder on himself.

  “Because I planned to go up to that cabin and have sex with Christopher. I had to, like, come up with a plan. A series of tactical maneuvers that would help me make the decision to get it over with after all that time. You,” she said, gesturing at him, “you, I didn’t plan to have anything happen with. Ever. But I couldn’t stop myself. I think at the end of the day it’s much better to carry on a sex-only affair with a man that you can’t control yourself with. Like right now. I was not going to proposition you today, Sam. I promise. Not today, not ever again. In fact, I’m mad at you, so it should be really easy for me to walk away. But I don’t want to. I want you. I want you even if it’s a terrible idea.”

  He looked around, then took her arm again, dragging her into one of the empty stalls, where they would be out of sight if anyone walked into the barn. Then he pressed her against the wall, gripping her chin and taking her mouth in a deep, searing kiss. She whimpered, arching against him, grabbing hold of his shoulders and widening her stance so that he could press his hardened length against where she was soft and sensitive, ready for him already.

  He slid his hand down
her back, not caring that the hard wall bit into his knuckles as he grabbed hold of her rear, barely covered by those riding pants, which ought to have been illegal.

  She whimpered, wiggling against him, obviously trying to get some satisfaction for the ache inside her. He knew that she felt it, because he felt the same way. He wrenched his mouth away from hers. “Dammit,” he said, “I have to get back to work.”

  “Do you really?” She looked up at him, her expression so desperate it was nearly comical. Except he felt too desperate to laugh.

  “Yes,” he said.

  “Well, since my family owns the property, I feel like I can give you permission to—”

  He held up a hand. “I’m going to stop you right there. Nobody gives me permission to do anything. If I didn’t want to finish the day’s work, I wouldn’t. I don’t need the money. That’s not why I do this. It’s my reputation. My pride. I’m contracted to do it, and I will do what I promised I would. But when the contract is up? I won’t.”

  “Oh,” she said. “I didn’t realize that.”

  “Everything is going well with the art business.” At least, it would if he could think of something else to do. He supposed he could always do more animals and cowboys. People never got tired of that. They had been his most popular art installations so far.

  “Great. That’s great. Maybe you could...not press yourself up against me? Because I’m going to do something really stupid in a minute.”

  He did not comply with her request; instead, he kept her there, held up against the wall. “What’s that?”

  She frowned. “Something I shouldn’t do in a public place.”

  “You’re not exactly enticing me to let you go.” His body was so hard he was pretty sure he was going to turn to stone.

  “I’ll bite you.”

  “Still not enticed.”

  “Are you telling me that you want to get bitten?”