TogetherinCyn

by Jennifer Kacey

  Silence. I tried to order my thoughts. “You know the missing pages in my diary?” They nodded. “I didn’t throw the pages away. I took them to the police the day after Bryce hurt me.”

  They stiffened. I fell silent again, sniffing tears to keep them at bay.

  “Did he rape you, Cyn?” Chris asked, trying to contain his anger.

  I shook my head, refusing to hide any longer. “No, he didn’t. And that’s part of why I didn’t tell you right away, because I didn’t think you’d believe my answer. You’d go avenging me. But it wasn’t your problem to fix.”

  They remained silent.

  “I wanted something…more with Matt. I assumed every guy was into that kind of thing so I told him. He didn’t act all that interested so I forgot about it. A few nights later, he tied me naked to his bed. I was excited, wondering about the possibilities. Then Bryce showed up. Matt told me if I wanted to get kinky, his buddy might as well have a good time too. I told them that was not what I wanted and Bryce started yelling that I didn’t have any say. I was embarrassed but not very scared since I thought he was all bark and no bite. But then Matt crammed a gag in my mouth and told me to be quiet. When he was done, Bryce got out a whip.”

  I shivered at the memory and Chris massaged my shoulders. Jared kneaded my calves. Their warmth gave me the confidence to say more.

  “He whipped me. I begged him to stop. He couldn’t understand me because of the gag so all I kept repeating was no. He told me he would fuck that word right out of my vocabulary. Matt finally grew a pair and tossed him off before he could do anything but yank his dick out of his pants. Matt untied me, I grabbed my clothes. I ran and didn’t look back. Threw the gag out the window on the way home. To this day, the smell of latex makes me want to puke. The next morning I filed a report.

  “I let them take pictures of the whip marks but they whispered behind me the whole time. They knew who my parents were when I gave them my name and one of them had the audacity to ask if this was some kind of scam. I asked what kind of scam I could possibly be running. He told me Bryce was a cop and then sneered at me like I was…nothing. It was my fault.” I wanted to shut them out. Defeat crawled through my head. “He told me they’d follow up with me if I wanted to press charges after they spoke with him. When I left the department, I ran into him coming on shift. He leered at me before going inside and said he would be seeing me. The cops called and left me a message after that but I realized nothing would come of pursuing it so I just never returned the call.”

  “And you never told us any of this. Why?” Jared paced away.

  “It wasn’t your fight. I made the mistake and it was my choice whether or not to do anything about it.”

  Chris asked, “You were gagged that night but did you raise holy hell?”

  “I yelled and screamed plenty. Told him he was a spineless piece of shit for taking advantage of a situation that had nothing to do with him. Then…then I begged him to let me go. I couldn’t take his whip any longer.”

  “What about tonight, Cyn? You stood up to that dickwad without having any way to fight him. You didn’t cower. What did you do?”

  Nothing came out when I tried to speak.

  “Tell me what you did.”

  “I told him to fuck off. I told him you guys would come for me and he’d better run because you’d never stand for him groping me.”

  “Damn straight,” Jared exclaimed, hauling me off Chris’ lap. “Because we will always protect you. We will always fight for you. You were made for us.” He punctuated each statement with a kiss.

  “Before I came up, I spoke with one of the cops.” Chris stood. “They had a complaint filed earlier this week against Bryce. Guess he’s been doing this same shit with other women too. With the evidence from tonight and the other women, the case is pretty strong against him. He’ll be suspended pending an investigation and, God willing, a subsequent trial. We’ll get a restraining order against him to protect you and the club. Nick also found the footage of Bryce putting the note supposedly from us on your car this morning.”

  All this should have made me feel better. Vindicated. No such luck. I felt stupid.

  “Why didn’t you tell us what happened before?” Jared asked. “We would have gone with you to the police.”

  “Honestly, I didn’t think anyone would believe me. I was embarrassed, ashamed, thought I’d be crucified because I’d asked for it. I didn’t want you guys to have to rescue me. I was the one who made the mistake. The statute runs out in less than two months on my case.”

  Jared cursed. “Are you gonna let him get away with it, baby? Are you gonna lie there and take it? That’s not the Cyn I know.”

  My eyes closed tight, trying to block reality out for a little while.

  Someone knocked on the door, giving me a good excuse to end the conversation. Jared answered it.

  “The cops need one of you to sign the police report before they haul Bryce out,” Jenna said from the doorway. “Everyone else is gone except for Nick and Jackson. We’re changing all the passwords and access codes. I need your cards.”

  “Cyn, where’s your card, baby?” Jared asked, taking his out of his wallet.

  Chris handed his over too.

  I answered, “In my bag in Jenna’s space upstairs.”

  “I’m so sorry,” she whispered. We hugged each other tight. She trembled, crying on my shoulder.

  “This wasn’t your fault, Jenna. None of it was your fault.”

  “Can you forgive me?”

  “There’s nothing to forgive. I made a mistake in believing the guys would push me this fast on something they knew I was scared of. If anyone’s to blame, it’s me.”

  “But I left you a sitting duck,” she stammered through her tears. One of the guys handed her a tissue. “You got hurt on my watch.”

  She retreated down the hall. I couldn’t do anything to fix this. I wanted to be strong. But I wasn’t. Would I ever be?

  “I’ll take care of things,” Jared announced. “We’ll talk more after I finish downstairs.”

  I nodded, thinking of several reasons not to hang out for that conversation.

  Chris quietly watched every move I made. He remained still so long I was a nervous wreck when he finally spoke. “There’s another reason I didn’t look at you downstairs.”

  “Why?”

  “I know what it feels like.”

  I could barely get the words out. “How could you?” Without thinking, I traced the scars on his back.

  He stiffened. “What we’re asking for isn’t easy and I didn’t want to scare you off. Especially not with what happened to me.”

  “Does Jared—I mean, does he know what happened?”

  “No.” He laid his cheek on the top of my head and weariness rolled off him. I’d always thought of him as unbreakable. I was scared to learn any different.

  He led me over to the couch, settling me on his lap with my head on his shoulder. He stroked my hair like he was trying to settle a wild animal.

  I waited for him to go on. A pause like that changes a person. It alters how you see the world. His rib cage expanded as he sucked in air. His heart thumped steadily beneath me.

  “Our parents. They didn’t pay us our inheritance because they loved us or were proud of us. They paid me off because I threatened to expose them for abusing me.”

  “What?” I tried to sit up but he wouldn’t let me. I clenched my jaw good and tight, settling against him the best I could. I finally understood why he kept his emotions to himself. His parents had always been more impressed with corporate mergers and business dealings. I’d thought the inheritance was a thank you for the guys’ service. Some grand gesture to make amends for their aloofness. I never would have guessed their true reason. “Tell me. Please,” I prompted, trying and failing miserably to control my anger.

  “We were seniors in high school. One night Jared was out with some friends and my parents came to my room. They said they had something to talk to me a
bout and since I was the oldest, I could handle it better than Jared. Well, you know how I was, cocky as shit and I always wanted to be the best. They led me to the farthest wing in the house, to a door that had always been locked. Jared and I wondered for years what was behind that door but we’d always been told it was for adults only.

  “I stepped inside and it was straight out of a BDSM magazine. Whips and chains hung from the walls. Whipping benches, stocks, pony equipment. You name it, it was there. I was mesmerized. At seventeen, my desires already ran on the darker side. I was a kid in a candy store.”

  Silently, I sat there, waiting for him to continue with my heart hammering away in my chest.

  “They told me to stay strong as some big-ass dude grabbed me from behind. He dragged me over to a wall and chained my arms out to the side, exposing my back. All I had on was a pair of sweatpants. The first crack of the whip was deafening. It all happened so fast I thought lightning had struck the house. Then pain exploded across my shoulders.”

  “Who did it? Who was the guy?” Tears filled my eyes. It didn’t matter that it had been more than a decade ago. I wanted somebody to pay for hurting him.

  He shook his head. “It was a woman. A woman who whipped me that night.”

  “But you said a guy…”

  “He grabbed me and restrained me but he was her submissive.” The word came out a curse. “She made a bet with my parents that she could break me. Wanted to prove she was stronger, better, something. My parents, for once in my life, believed in me so they set me up. Didn’t matter that I was underage. Didn’t matter that I was their son. They’re yelling for me to man up and this chick was screaming at me to show what a pussy I really was. I’d waited my entire life for my parents to care and that…was what I got.”

  Tears clogged my throat, making it impossible for me to reply.

  “She broke me that night. I yelled…begged…pleaded with them to make her stop but they just stood off to the side, disappointed. I could have been anyone—I finally saw that. I never begged them to help me after that night.”

  The last three words bounced around inside my skull, jarring me. “It happened more than once?” He let me sit up to swipe the angry tears from my cheeks and I gripped his hand as he nodded. “Why didn’t you run? Why didn’t you tell me or Jared or go to the police? I would have believed you.”

  “When she was…done that first night, and every night after, she’d whisper in my ear that if I ever told anyone, if I ran, if I did anything, it would be Jared chained to the wall the next time, and she’d do it. I had no doubt she’d follow through with the threat. They told me they had pictures of me. When they… They took pictures. Insurance, they called it. They’d made it so the pictures didn’t incriminate them. But they’d show them to my friends. My teachers. Girlfriends. They could have gotten jail time for having them but I didn’t know that. They’d ruin my life, my future, because who would believe some kid over them? I was no one.”

  No, you and your brother have always been everything.

  He sounded so lost. Standing alone in a world full of people. I understood something about that. I wanted to soothe him. Comfort him. But I couldn’t see anything past my anger.

  “How did they hurt you?” I whispered. My insides shook with soul-deep rage. “More than the whips?”

  His eyes filled with hate.

  He nodded, cleaving my heart in two.

  “For punishment, she said, for breaking.” His glanced at me before darting away again. “For her it was nothing but a power trip, forcing me to submit. I reminded her that they had to chain me down so she couldn’t be all that good at it. She didn’t take that too well.”

  Memories seemed to pass in front of him and he closed his eyes again but kept a firm hold of my hand.

  “I never told a soul. It’s also why I convinced J to join the marines with me right after we turned eighteen. I didn’t want him there alone. I didn’t want him hurt. He was always up for an adventure, always easygoing. He didn’t ask a lot of questions. So we didn’t tell anyone, even you, we just left.”

  I finally understood. The note in my side table made perfect sense. Joining the military had been his only option because it kept them away for so long. But a question popped into my head.

  “But how did Jared become a Dom if your situation didn’t start it?”

  “He went to a club when we were stationed in Japan. Curious, nothing more. He came into one of the public display areas and I was giving a flogging demonstration. I had experimented in high school with some of my girlfriends and he assumed that was where the scars came from. I just never corrected him.” He scrubbed his face, looking tired. “That was the first night we shared a woman. Hell, it’s probably hard-coded in our genes somewhere. My need for it runs deeper because of what happened. So now I’m the one in control.” He finally met my eyes and held them. “Always.”

  “Is that why you built The Library?”

  “That was Jared’s idea. Once he saw the lifestyle, he was a Dom for life and needed the scene as much as I do. We wanted a place where people like us could go to be themselves. A safe place, with no abuse.” He brushed aside the robe covering my thigh, hovering above one of the welts, feeling the heat. “A place to let go and indulge your fantasies. Somewhere you won’t be judged or thought less of.”

  My brain was spinning. “Wait. All of this explains why you paid for the townhouse—so you always had a place to stay when you came home. But why did your parents leave? And why did that bitch and her lapdog leave you alone when you got back?”

  Chris scowled. “I scheduled leave alone once. Hadn’t been in the house two minutes when the sub tried to tackle me. I beat that guy until there was a pool of blood on the floor. The bitch Domme came at me and instinct took over. My mother screaming finally got my attention.”

  He petted me, soothing me when he was the one who needed comfort. “It’s probably the only thing that kept me from killing them both. I shoved her away and she collapsed next to her dipshit helper. I was a hell of a lot bigger by then and combat trained. No way in hell was I going to be a victim again. I told our parents they had two months to pack up, sell the house and move. I told them I wanted our inheritance, along with the pictures, and that I never wanted to see them again. They could explain it to Jared however they wanted. I didn’t give a fuck. They deposited the money and I haven’t seen them since. Jared’s talked to them a handful of times. But that was it.”

  My head was reeling but something still didn’t add up. “Why did they do as you demanded? Why didn’t they disown you or use the pictures to threaten you again?”

  He brushed a few strands of hair from my cheek. “Because the last time they chained me to that wall, before Jared and I enlisted, I set up a video camera and recorded all of it. Every one of them. I’ll never forget my parents’ expressions when I told them about the tape. I would lose no sleep sharing it with every business contact, charity group, media outlet and church member they associated with. And the cunt whipping me? She was a hotshot federal judge who had a thing for underage boys.

  “She couldn’t afford a political scandal of that magnitude so after I made a visit to her hospital room the next day, she decided to take early retirement. I warned her to get rid of the pictures and find a new line of work. Told her I’d be watching and she didn’t want to go up against the men I knew. She moved before my parents did and took her little puppet with her.”

  His parents had had money, power and influence in Arcadia. I finally understood exactly how alone he must have been, thinking he had no one to confide in. After years of trying to win his parents’ love, win their approval, he got nothing but misery.

  Fear ate at my insides. “You’ve never said you loved me. Is this why?”

  He wouldn’t look at me. “Love is an illusion, Cyn. That’s why I’ve kept my distance from you. Why I tried to convince Jared this wouldn’t work.”

  My future disintegrated right in front of me.

&n
bsp; “You deserve better than that. Better than me.”

  These two men were all I’d ever wanted. But a future without Chris’ love—was that something I could accept? “You never told Jared any of this? Nothing? About you, about your parents? He must wonder why they up and moved across the country, no matter what they told him.”

  His exhale was laced with indecision. “Maybe.” He looked lost. All the emotion he’d hidden from me was there in his eyes. “But I don’t want him to be embarrassed.”

  I caressed his jaw, unable to let him hurt, even if he couldn’t love me. “Wouldn’t you want to know if something happened to him?”

  “Of course, but…”

  “But it’s different because it’s you?”

  “I don’t want him to be disappointed,” he said, almost too low for me to hear.

  “Do you think less of me for what happened tonight? If I were raped before, would you have assumed it was my fault?” It came out a whisper. It was my biggest fear and the reason I’d kept everything a secret for so long.

  “It wasn’t your fault. You’re smaller and had no control but you still bested him. You were amazing. You’ll blow my mind the next time you submit to us.”

  I tensed, though his words were meant to comfort. He tried to hug me to him but I stood up. “I don’t know if I can let that happen. I don’t want to feel powerless again. Just the thought of it…”

  Chris followed, snagging my arm so I couldn’t leave. “Don’t say no, Cyn. Not tonight. We could have everything you wrote in your journal. I hope once you think about it, you’ll understand it can be amazing with people who trust each other.”

  Trust. Not love.

  “And this is why you’ll only be with me if I can’t see you?” I rubbed his chest and felt his anger grow.

  “What, the sex isn’t good enough?”

  “Don’t put words in my mouth. I want you to let go. I want you, not a watered-down version of you.”

  “No. You don’t.” Chris released me. I’d never felt as in sync with someone, yet so distant. He glanced at his twin as he entered the room. His expression was bleak.