The Oberon Anthology of Contemporary Irish Plays

by Thomas Conway

  DAN: What?

  PAULA: The party’s over.

  DAN: You wouldn’t send a fella out in that?

  PAULA: You’ll get a taxi on the main road.

  DAN: It’s Baltic out!

  PAULA goes to leave the room.

  PAULA: Hang on there…

  She exits.

  DAN: I’ve been to worse parties by the way. In case you’re wondering – I had a good time.

  PAULA re-enters with a big man’s jacket.

  PAULA: Take this or you’ll freeze.

  Pause.

  Take it.

  He reluctantly takes the coat from PAULA.

  DAN: I was only…I don’t know. I’m sorry.

  PAULA: I know yeah, but it’s late. (About the jacket.) You can keep that.

  SCENE FIVE

  The next morning. ANTOINETTE sits in PAULA’s kitchen reading a magazine.

  JEAN: (Off-stage.) Paula?

  ANTOINETTE ignores JEAN calling from upstairs. Paula?

  ANTOINETTE gets up and closes the window.

  ANTOINETTE: (To herself.) Fuck off. Heifer.

  ANTOINETTE goes back to her magazine. ROXANNA enters looking queasy.

  Wonders will never cease, what?

  ROXANNA: Where’s Paula?

  ANTOINETTE: Corpo.

  ROXANNA pours a glass of water, but thinks better of it and rushes to the toilet.

  (About the Corpo) Waste a’ time. They doe wan’ t’ know. There’s no talkin’ to Paula but. She’s not exactly close friends with common sense is she? Distant cousins if anything…pen pals.

  The sound of vomiting in the next room. ANTOINETTE’s face creases in disgust. ROXANNA enters.

  Was that you, ye dirty bitch?

  ROXANNA rummages through PAULA’s biscuit tin come medicine box.

  ROXANNA: Have you pain killers Antoinette?

  ANTOINETTE trawls through her bag.

  ANTOINETTE: I’ve Feminax…any use?

  ROXANNA: Me head is liftin’.

  ANTOINETTE: You’re not supposed to be drinkin’. That’s rule number one; I know that much. What is it…recovery an’ all that. Drink’ll pull the bleedin’ stomach out of ye.

  ROXANNA: Mind your business. I’m sick.

  Pause. ANTOINETTE hands ROXANNA the pills.

  ANTOINETTE: You glad to be home?

  ROXANNA: It was only a long weekend.

  ANTOINETTE: Still.

  ROXANNA: Same shit, different day here.

  ANTOINETTE: And there.

  ROXANNA: Give it a rest, will ya? You’re like an aul’one.

  ANTOINETTE: It’s a kickin’ you want.

  JEAN: (Off-stage.) Paula?

  Pause.

  Paula?

  ROXANNA throws the window open.

  ROXANNA: She’s fuckin’ out.

  JEAN: (Light hearted.) Roxanna ya pox. I’ll tear the bleedin’ hair outta ya, you curse at me again. Where’s your sister?

  ROXANNA: Is it the ‘O’, the ‘U’ or the ‘T’ you don’t understand?

  ROXANNA closes the window.

  Dozy gee-bag.

  ANTOINETTE: Were you over with Fitzy or…?

  ROXANNA: What of it?

  ANTOINETTE: Drama in his garden is all. Passin’ last night.

  ROXANNA: You’ve too much time on your hands.

  ANTOINETTE: Couldn’t miss it. Big hoo-hah. Half the road was out.

  ROXANNA: It’d suit you to mind your business.

  ANTOINETTE: Has the little fucker even called you?

  The hall door slams. PAULA talks from the hallway.

  PAULA: Taxi driver’s after overcharging me I think. What’s six from twenty?

  PAULA sees ROXANNA. They stare at each other for a second.

  ROXANNA: Fourteen…

  PAULA: Me brain is dead. Yeah, and he handed me back twelve. Twelve from twenty is eight.

  ANTOINETTE: Was he foreign?

  PAULA: No. He was Irish. Know him an’ all. I’ll catch him again, the robbin’ swine.

  Pause. PAULA and ROXANNA take each other in.

  Howaya?

  ROXANNA has tears in her eyes.

  ROXANNA: I’ve a pain in me head.

  PAULA: It’s okay.

  ROXANNA: The fuckin’ bitch locked me out. I was like a knacker climbin’ in the toilet window. I’d to take me skirt off just to fit through the yolk. She’s touched in the head Paula. Goes on this mornin’ as if nothin’ happened. She’s a psycho. Woke up with a lump on me nut from where I whacked it off the sink…well the tap actually. Felt nothin’ last night; but this mornin’, I felt it fuckin’ tenfold. Have you any Solpadeine?

  PAULA rummages through a biscuit tin filled with medicines and tablets.

  PAULA: I must’a had the last one.

  PAULA leans out her window and shouts.

  Jean? (Pause, no response.) Jean? (Pause, no response.)

  ANTOINETTE: Talk about choosin’ your moments. She hasn’t bleedin’ stopped all mornin’!

  PAULA: Nicola?

  NICOLA: (From offstage.) What?

  PAULA: Have you painkillers?

  NICOLA: Just Anadin, why?

  PAULA: Roxanna got a bang of a tap!

  NICOLA: She home?

  PAULA: Safe and sound. Will you send us down two?

  NICOLA: Course I will. Have you any DVDs down there? I’m bored off me tits!

  PAULA: I’ve Nemo and Rush Hour 3. Send Kayleigh down.

  NICOLA: C’mere, ask Rox what’s goin’ on over in Balcurris?

  PAULA: With what?

  NICOLA: The Fitzy’s gaff. Guards trolling it all day.

  PAULA looks to ROXANNA.

  ROXANNA: One o’ the brothers prob-ly, or the Da, I dunno.

  PAULA: (To NICOLA.) She doesn’t know sweetheart.

  NICOLA: Ah – yiz are useless!

  PAULA comes in from the window.

  ROXANNA: Don’t be broadcastin’ me bleedin’ business!

  PAULA: You’d rather suffer?

  ANTOINETTE: Any joy with the corpo?

  PAULA: (Sarcastic.) Mm. They says take me pick of any gaff the length and breadth of the city.

  ANTOINETTE: That was decent o’ them…and there was you expecting a no!

  PAULA: Bastards.

  PAULA looks at the mess surrounding her.

  This place is fallin’ to bits.

  ANTOINETTE: I wouldn’t do a tap to it if I was you. No way. I wouldn’t even wash the windows – not that you do inanyways mind.

  ROXANNA: Somethin’ will come up Paula. It has ta.

  PAULA: I can’t carry on like this – we’ll rot here. It’s no good.

  ROXANNA: Somethin’ will Paula.

  PAULA kisses ROXANNA’s forehead. The voice of ANTOINETTE’s father is heard from out on the street.

  PATSY: (Off-stage.) Antoinette?

  ANTOINETTE: Stick on that kettle Rox.

  PAULA and ROXANNA throw a look to ANTOINETTE.

  What?

  ROXANNA: Your poor Da.

  PAULA: Shift your arse.

  ANTOINETTE: I never says to him what time to come over. I’m no more ready to move than you are. Leave him.

  PATSY: (Off-stage.) Antoinette?!

  ANTOINETTE: Poor Da nothin’. He never even said he was droppin’ me home. It’s Saturday bleedin’ night. He’s only over here ’cos he wants rid of Stacey. You’ve no idea of him.

  PATSY: (Off-stage.) Antoinette?

  ANTOINETTE: (To PAULA.) What?

  ANTOINETTE leans out the window.

  I heard you the first time. I’m wipin’ me bleedin’ arse. Giz a minute.

  She comes in from the window.

  He’s a torment.

  ANTOINETTE moves to the hall to get her coat.

  I’d sooner sit here with yous than on that buildin’ site on me tobler.

  PAULA: Ring us after, yeah?

  ANTOINETTE talks as she leaves the flat.

  ANTOINETTE: Ragin’.

  The hall door slams and th
e flat is suddenly quiet. PAULA moves around the kitchen with a cloth, wiping surfaces.

  ROXANNA: Where’s Aaron and Jason?

  PAULA: With him. Says his auld one’s giving him stick ’cos she never sees them. Told him that’s his doin’ and not mine. Came over yesterday, full of the joys of spring after winning a tonne on a horse; fuckin’ eejit. You’d swear he just won the lotto, wavin’ it in the air. I didn’t even let him past the door; told him he better spend every last cent on those kids.

  Pause.

  ROXANNA: They must wreck your head all the same.

  PAULA: You get used to it.

  ROXANNA: Still…they must.

  Pause.

  PAULA: You did do the right thing in Leeds.

  ROXANNA: Did I?

  PAULA: You’re only a baby yourself.

  ROXANNA: An’ what?

  PAULA: You’ve a second chance now. You can start over.

  ROXANNA: Yeah.

  PAULA: You won’t know yourself. All brand new. You can get back into it now: school and the whole lot.

  ROXANNA: Don’t start Paula.

  PAULA: It’s your time you wanna be takin’…your body an’ all that…but a second chance; that’s all I’m sayin’.

  ROXANNA: Me Ma says I’m disgustin’. Says she can’t face lookin’ at me; what I done and what I did. Says she can’t sleep with the thoughts of me.

  PAULA: That’s/

  ROXANNA: /Wants me took to a priest.

  PAULA: As if those fuckers would understand – No way.

  ROXANNA: Will you ring ’er?

  PAULA: What?

  ROXANNA: Ma. Will you put her straight? She might listen to you.

  PAULA becomess uncomfortable.

  PAULA: Stay over here for a bit, yeah? ’Til she calms down.

  ROXANNA: Right.

  PAULA: Text her an’ say you’re mindin’ the kids or helpin’ me out or somethin’.

  ROXANNA: Yeah okay.

  PAULA: Leave her give her mind a rest.

  Pause.

  ROXANNA: I’m not going to no priest.

  Pause.

  PAULA: Antoinette brought up a load of pirates. We get a kebab tray and drag out the duvets?

  ROXANNA: I can’t. I’ve to go on a message.

  PAULA: It’s too quiet with the kids gone. You know what I’m like.

  ROXANNA: I can’t Paula. I’ve to find Fitzy.

  PAULA: Jesus Roxanna.

  ROXANNA: I promised him.

  PAULA: And what about when he promised you. When he said he’d take you to Leeds?

  ROXANNA: He had his reasons.

  PAULA: Cowards invent reasons. I know that only too well. Fellas have reasons and excuses drippin’ off them.

  ROXANNA: Not Fitzy.

  PAULA: Stay with me sweetheart.

  ROXANNA: He loves me Paula.

  PAULA: Fellas are dogs. Learn that. It’s all love and – I’d do anything for ya – until you’re in your moment of need and he’s either there beside ya or he’s not…and Fitzy wasn’t. He’s not.

  ROXANNA: What about his needs? The things he needs?

  PAULA: You’ve obviously been watchin’ too much television. Your brain is tapped. His needs? Listen; fellas have an amazing talent of gettin’ exactly what they want and need. Don’t you worry ’bout that. But your needs, young one. Your needs! Let that be your number one concern from here on in.

  SCENE SIX

  PAULA’s kitchen. Night time. DAN stands in the kitchen holding the big jacket. He has a black eye. PAULA is gathering ice into a tea towel.

  DAN: I did all that last night. I’m fine, honestly.

  PAULA: It looks sore but.

  DAN: He caught me lovely, the fucker. Don’t feel bad or anything.

  PAULA: What?

  DAN: Well when I left here I’d to jog it was so cold, and then finding the ‘main road’ was all a bit Where’s Wally…and then…once I’d finally flagged a taxi, a couple of boys emerged from the fog shouting, ‘you’ve skipped the queue love.’

  Pause.

  The fuckin’ queue? It was a dual carriageway.

  PAULA: They take your money or anything?

  DAN: Seemed happy enough with the aul’ dignity ye know? I think I even offered to share the cab – it was that cold – I’m a sap really…I woke up laughing – I’m a fuckin’ eejit.

  PAULA: (Laughs.) I’m sorry…I can just picture you though.

  DAN: I thought the coat would’ve helped me blend in. I think I might have even attempted an accent. (Attempts an accent.)

  Alright boys? That’s when he landed one on me. (laughs) Come to think of it, I’d have punched me.

  They laugh which turns into dead silence. Long pause.

  So…I wanted to drop the coat off – just ’cos it harbours bad memories for me basically – and er…just ’cos I wanted to say I was drunk last night but I wasn’t…

  PAULA: The jacket’s for the bin anyways. But thanks.

  PAULA takes the jacket from DAN. He hovers in silence for a second searching for something to say that might keep the conversation going.

  DAN: (Taking a chance.) Make us a cup of tea, will you?

  PAULA: Are you takin’ the piss?

  DAN: I’ve come all this way.

  Pause. PAULA relaxes.

  PAULA: Sit down.

  DAN: My granddad worked on these places, was I saying that?

  We used to drive down here when we were kids. The old man would park over by the shopping-centre and marvel at his work.

  PAULA: Lucky you.

  DAN: Who needs the funfair when you can get a two-hour lecture on the inner workings of a tower block? Every last detail divulged; the design process, the execution. In the summer he’d even go as far as drawing diagrams in the dust of his bonnet. Then it was up the back roads to the airport for an ice cream and a look of the planes heading off. We were…spoiled.

  PAULA: –

  DAN: I’m Dan by the way.

  PAULA puts tea on the table.

  PAULA: I know, yeah. Sure we were…

  DAN: Nah – you never asked. You or your mate.

  PAULA: Oh right – I’m Paula.

  DAN: I know yeah. Paula and Antoinette. Double trouble…

  ROXANNA enters with STEPH.

  PAULA: What’s wrong?

  ROXANNA looks to DAN.

  ROXANNA: Cem over to say I’m stayin’ in Steph’s tonight.

  PAULA: No. Sorry.

  ROXANNA: What?

  PAULA: Sorry Steph. No offence or nothin’…

  STEPH: No.

  ROXANNA: What ya talkin’ about?

  PAULA: You’re stayin’ here tonight. Now go meet Fitzy, or whatever you have to do…but your sleepin’ here, d’ya hear me? Or else you’re goin’ home. They’re the options.

  ROXANNA: Fuck sake.

  PAULA fishes for a tenner in a bag.

  PAULA: Stick the kids coats on an’ take them for a burger or somethin’, I’ve no dinner made. Get you and Steph somethin’ too.

  STEPH: Thanks Paula.

  ROXANNA: Are you mad? I’m not takin’ no bleedin’ kids nowhere. Do I have skivvy tattooed on me forehead?

  PAULA: Roxanna, I’ll pull bleedin’ lumps out o’ you if you keep up your lip. Me Ma might take it off you, but I won’t. Now if you wanna stay here, in my flat, then you play by my rules…do ya hear me? Do you hear me?

  ROXANNA: You’d’ve more bleedin’ freedom in Mountjoy. PAULA: Keep goin’ the way you’re goin’ an’ you’ll soon find out.

  STEPH: Come on Rox, you’re makin’ a show of us.

  ROXANNA takes the tenner.

  ROXANNA: Fuck sake.

  ROXANNA looks at DAN as she leaves.

  What are you lookin’ at?

  PAULA: Get out before I lamp ye.

  The girls exit.

  DAN: She’s a charmer.

  PAULA: You might wanna mind your own business.

  ROXANNA and STEPH walk straight out of the previous scene and into the
next. They are in the wasteland with the kids, whom we never see.

  SCENE SEVEN

  The wasteland.

  STEPH: Mr Breslin pins up a chart of a woman’s body, and with a ruler he starts pointing at the bits. He kicks off with the breasts, as he calls them…draws an X on the nipple, and says that for those that don’t know, a woman’s breast produces milk. We were pissing ourselves laughin’ but he was sweatin’ too much to notice. Then he coughs and moves down…starts naming parts like they’re on his shopping list; vagina, cervix, fallopian tube, ovary, uterus…then Orla nudges me and points at Breslin’s package…the fucker is only hard – the creep. So I nudge Charlene and she points it out to Karen who pulls an orange out of her bag and aims it at Breslin’s knob. She’s some aim, the jammy bitch. He yelped like a stuck pig. Class dismissed. The fuckin’ laugh.

  Pause.

  All the girls were askin’ for ye…

  ROXANNA: (Calls to the kids.) Aaron fuck off. We’re talkin’.

  STEPH: When you coming back an’ all. How you doin’, an’ all that.

  ROXANNA: I haven’t changed me number.

  STEPH: Still. They says hello an’ all.

  Pause.

  ROXANNA: Fitzy’s brother hung himself.

  STEPH: I know. Sure Karen lives next door to them.

  ROXANNA: Oh yeah.

  STEPH: What over?

  ROXANNA: Went over earlier but the Da says for me to stay away; it’s just family.

  STEPH: Did they say what it was over?

  ROXANNA: He owed money to some young fella in a gang I think. Money for yokes or somethin’.

  STEPH: Shit.

  ROXANNA: Somethin’ stupid. Three hundred quid or somethin’.

  STEPH: It has to be over somethin’ else?

  ROXANNA: Maybe. He was a fuckin’ loser an’ all. The labour wouldn’t let him sign on or anything…so he was dealing yokes…like, not even dealing them; buying them and addin’ a euro or takin’ them himself. He was a dzope. He’d come home mad out of it…tellin’ Fitzy how much he loves him an’ all. In the mornin’ but, it was all different. Wouldn’t look at Fitzy…like…wouldn’t even be in the same room as him. Always made out like Fitzy was wasting his time doin’ his course.

  STEPH: Still.

  ROXANNA: What?

  STEPH: He’s dead like.

  ROXANNA: And wha’?

  The girls swig their Breezers.

  STEPH: What about Fitzy?

  ROXANNA: Wants ta be left alone.

  STEPH: That’s fellas, as Paula would say.

  Long pause.

  ROXANNA: And what about your man?