The Oberon Anthology of Contemporary Irish Plays

by Thomas Conway

TIRESIAS: None of you know anything. And I will never tell you.

  OEDIPUS: You know but won’t tell us.

  TIRESIAS: Trust me, you don’t want to know.

  OEDIPUS: You killed him. Or you arranged it. If you weren’t such a coward you would have done it yourself.

  TIRESIAS: Is that so? Actually, you are the murderer you hunt.

  OEDIPUS: Are you mad? Who put you up to this?

  TIRESIAS: You did. You had to go and force it out of me, didn’t you?

  OEDIPUS: Creon. Is this your idea or his?

  TIRESIAS: Creon is not your problem. You are.

  OEDIPUS: I didn’t ask to be King. You asked me. Is this the reason you made me King so you could steal it from me later?

  ANTIGONE: Please Dad, he didn’t mean it. He just gets angry sometimes and says the wrong thing. It’s not what we need right now. We need to concentrate and find the best solution to our problems.

  OEDIPUS: Get out. Go back to where you came from. Fuck off. Vanish.

  TIRESIAS: I would never have come here if you hadn’t invited me.

  OEDIPUS: If I’d known you were completely insane and were going to talk to me like this…

  TIRESIAS: Insane, am I? Maybe to you but not to your parents. They found me sane enough.

  OEDIPUS: Parents? What about my parents?

  TIRESIAS: This day will bring your birth and your destruction, Oedipus.

  ANTIGONE: The horror too dark to tell. I am terrified. I can’t accept it. I don’t know what to say. I’m lost and the wings of dark foreboding are beating. I cannot see what’s happened and what’s still to happen. Never will I convict my dad, never in my heart.

  ACT III

  SCENE 1

  ANTIGONE and CREON are talking in the kitchen. CREON is sitting sideways to the audience, we see his profile in an exaggerated way. ANTIGONE is facing the audience.

  ANTIGONE: This place is a nut house.

  CREON: Yes.

  ANTIGONE: Do you have any cigarettes?

  CREON: Sure. What are you doing?

  ANTIGONE: I’m practising my killer stare.

  CREON: Let’s see?

  ANTIGONE: There. What do you think?

  CREON: How is it a killer stare?

  ANTIGONE: It goes on for miles and can last forever.

  CREON: It’s okay, I suppose. I’m still alive, though.

  ANTIGONE: No, no, no, no, no. It’s not supposed to be a deadly stare. It’s a killer stare. It’s a stare which says, ‘I could kill you if I wanted to, but I choose not to.’ It’s a cool stare.

  CREON: Aloof.

  ANTIGONE: Exactly. It’s for the band. When we perform.

  SCENE 2

  OEDIPUS is with CREON in the kitchen.

  OEDIPUS: Creon. You’re the source of this plague. Get out of here.

  CREON: You’ve got me all wrong. What’s this really about? If I knew something, I would tell you. I swear…

  OEDIPUS: We would never have even heard about the killing of Laius if you and Tiresias hadn’t got together. But you will never convict me of the murder.

  CREON: Why would I want to get rid of you? I don’t want to be King. Go to Delphi yourself and talk to the oracle personally. I’ve reported the message word for word. If I’m lying, kill me.

  OEDIPUS: What? Do you want me to relax and sit back while everyone shits on me from above?

  CREON: What do you want? Do you want me to go away?

  OEDIPUS: No, I want you dead.

  CREON: Calm down. Try and relax.

  OEDIPUS: You don’t think I’m serious. I am going to kill you.

  CREON: You’re insane. I haven’t done anything.

  OEDIPUS: It doesn’t matter. I don’t believe you.

  JOCASTA comes out from the house.

  JOCASTA: Can you keep it down? You’re going to wake everybody. Oedipus, go to bed. And Creon, get lost, leave us alone. Why are you making such a racket? Are you drunk?

  CREON: Your husband is threatening to kill me.

  OEDIPUS: Yes, because I caught your brother about to stab me in the back.

  CREON: No way. I swear. You’ve got it all wrong.

  JOCASTA: Oh god, just believe him. Do it for me.

  OEDIPUS: What do you want from me?

  JOCASTA: He’s your friend.

  OEDIPUS: Do you know what you’re asking? If that’s what you want, then you want me dead, or out of this family.

  JOCASTA: I feel sick.

  OEDIPUS: I’m sorry. I’ll leave him alone. But don’t ask me to stop hating him.

  SCENE 3

  ANTIGONE and CREON are alone together.

  ANTIGONE: I’ve lost my earring. I need to find my fucking earring. Right now.

  (Pause.) There it is.

  CREON: (Eating an apple.) Do you know what your problem is? You’re always fishing for compliments.

  ANTIGONE: Piss off. No I’m not. I’m genuinely quite quiet, some people accept that.

  CREON: Everyone does. But that doesn’t mean you’re not always fishing for compliments.

  ANTIGONE: You’re saying just fucking nothing. Everything’s a joke to you.

  CREON: Just having a laugh. Relax, will you. That’s how I get by.

  ANTIGONE: Fucking hell. You annoy me.

  ANTIGONE introduces her band. The gig begins.

  (Sings ‘Miss Dún Laoghaire’.)

  I don’t know what happened to me

  I used to be such a nice girl

  I used to be Miss Dún Laoghaire

  I used to be Miss Dún Laoghaire

  Now look at me Antigonised

  Like a clown in my underwear

  Playing darts through the night

  Don’t be too nice to me

  It only makes me nervous

  It only makes me nervous

  It only makes me nervous

  They’ve all had me

  Yet they talk to me

  As if I’m still a virgin

  Still a virgin, still a virgin

  Still a virgin, still a virgin

  La la la la la la la la

  La la la la la la la la

  La la la la la la la la

  La la la la la la la la

  CREON introduces the song ‘Limp’.

  CREON: (Sings ‘Limp’.)

  Sometimes I feel like setting my clothes on fire

  So I can be naked with you

  I would burn all my skin just be in sin with you

  You are my small personal alarm grenade

  I fell in love with a girl with a limp

  But she never fell in love with me

  She only liked me as a friend she said

  So one day I stole her walking stick

  I’m really down like being in a tunnel

  Don’t see any light

  I have a few questions

  I have to write them down

  What is the benefit of the medication I take?

  I am on now

  Play pool, play pool, play table tennis

  Pool, pool, table tennis

  Pool, pool, table tennis

  And she never left her house again

  No, she never left the house again

  No, she never left the house again

  ACT IV

  SCENE 1

  Stravinsky’s ‘Oedipus Rex’ plays. The characters sing along to it through headphones. It fades out. Everyone is prompted through headphones throughout this scene and the following scene.

  JOCASTA: Oh god, I need your help. My husband is paralysed by fear.

  MESSENGER: I’m looking for someone called Oedipus. I have some good news for him.

  JOCASTA: What news?

  MESSENGER: I’m from Corinth. And the good news is that we want to make Oedipus our King.

  JOCASTA: Isn’t there a King already? Polybus?

  MESSENGER: He died last week.

  OEDIPUS: What’s going on? Who’s he?

  JOCASTA: He’s come from Corinth and he’s here to tell you the good new
s that your father is dead.

  MESSENGER: It’s true. Polybus is dead.

  OEDIPUS: How did he die?

  MESSENGER: He died in his sleep.

  OEDIPUS: He died and it had nothing to do with me. So much for oracles.

  JOCASTA: That’s what I have been trying to tell you all along.

  OEDIPUS: Sorry. I was afraid.

  JOCASTA: This fear you have of marrying your mother, lots of men dream about that, it doesn’t mean it will ever happen.

  OEDIPUS: I know that you’re trying to help, but as long as my mother is still alive, I’m afraid of her.

  JOCASTA: But surely your father’s death is a good omen.

  MESSENGER: What’s the problem with your mother that makes you so scared of her?

  OEDIPUS: Not her personally, but the oracle which fortold that I would kill my father and marry my mother – that is what scares me.

  (Beat.) And that’s why I never really visited them much.

  MESSENGER: (Shakes his head.) That’s unbelievable. All this time you thought that Polybus and Merope were your real parents? That’s so incredible.

  OEDIPUS: Of course they’re my real parents.

  MESSENGER: They loved you as a son but they were not your real parents. You were a gift from me.

  OEDIPUS: What do you mean, a ‘gift’?

  MESSENGER: I found you abandoned on the side of a mountain with your ankles and feet shackled together, helpless. I took you back to Corinth and gave you to Polybus and Merope who brought you up as their own.

  OEDIPUS: (Removes his shoe.) My limp and these awful scars, I’ve had them for as long as I can remember.

  MESSENGER: And your name comes from them too. Oedipus, meaning pussy foot.

  OEDIPUS: Who did this to me?

  MESSENGER: I don’t know. Actually, it wasn’t exactly me who found you. It was another man who passed you on to me.

  OEDIPUS: Who was he?

  MESSENGER: I didn’t know him but I remember he said he worked for someone called Laius.

  OEDIPUS: Jocasta, do you know the man we are talking about?

  JOCASTA: Jesus. Let it go, will you? Don’t listen to this fool. He’s talking rubbish.

  OEDIPUS: I have to know. Don’t you understand?

  JOCASTA: Please stop. Please. Please Oedipus, let it go.

  OEDIPUS: I can’t. I want to know the truth.

  JOCASTA: For your own sake. Stop right now.

  OEDIPUS: You know I can’t stop.

  JOCASTA: Oh no.

  JOCASTA goes into the house. OEDIPUS and the MESSENGER turn to watch her go. TIRESIAS enters, reluctantly.

  OEDIPUS: Is he the one you mean?

  MESSENGER: That’s him, definitely.

  The MESSENGER leaves.

  OEDIPUS: Tiresias?

  TIRESIAS: Yes. I tried to warn you, but you never listen.

  OEDIPUS: Will you answer all my questions now?

  TIRESIAS: If that’s what you want.

  OEDIPUS: Did you give him a child as he says you did?

  TIRESIAS: Why are you doing this?

  OEDIPUS: DID YOU GIVE HIM THE BABY?

  TIRESIAS: Yes. Yes. Now, are you satisfied?

  OEDIPUS: Where did the baby come from?

  TIRESIAS: No more questions, please. Leave it.

  OEDIPUS: Who did the baby belong to? Tell me. Or I’m going to kill you with my bare hands.

  TIRESIAS: Your wife, Jocasta, she gave me the child, it was her child, Laius and hers.

  OEDIPUS: Why?

  TIRESIAS: To kill it.

  OEDIPUS: Murder her own baby?

  TIRESIAS: She was afraid of the prophecies.

  OEDIPUS: What prophecies?

  TIRESIAS: That the boy would end up killing his father.

  OEDIPUS: So why wasn’t the boy killed?

  TIRESIAS: I couldn’t go through with it. I hoped that the boy would grow up somewhere far from here and never meet his real parents.

  (Pause.) But the boy is you.

  OEDIPUS goes into the house. CREON comes out from the house. They remove their headphones.

  CREON: The Queen is dead.

  TIRESIAS: How?

  CREON: She ran into her bedroom pulling at her hair. We all heard her screaming out Laius, her dead husband’s name. Then Oedipus knocked down the door, to find her hanging by the neck. He cut her down and laid her on the floor. Then he took a knife and scissors in either hand and held the points of both above his eyes. And plunged them deep into his eyeballs, screaming. He kept screaming as he kept stabbing his eyeballs, until the river of blood stopped flowing and gushing, and it was only clots and sinewy nerves peeking out of his decimated skull.

  TIRESIAS: The poor bastard.

  SCENE 2

  Later, CREON and ANTIGONE are on the lawn.

  ANTIGONE: How are things?

  CREON: I finally unblocked the toilet.

  ANTIGONE: Great.

  CREON: Do you think I’m a little autistic?

  ANTIGONE: Yes, a little.

  CREON: Really, this is serious. Do other people know? Do strangers know when they meet me? Should I get tests done?

  ANTIGONE: Oh don’t be silly, there’s something wrong with everyone, just chill out.

  CREON: That’s like telling someone to relax who’s stressed. That’s bad.

  ANTIGONE: Or ‘snap out of it’ to someone depressed. Bad too. You’re not autistic enough for tests. The doctor would think you’re mad. You just have to live with it.

  CREON: I’m not sure how I feel about that. I know. I feel scared.

  ANTIGONE: But you’ve been the same all your life. Nothing has changed.

  CREON: Are you 100% sure? I want to know. You see, I feel different.

  ANTIGONE: Yes, Creon, you are the same as always.

  CREON: Is that good or bad?

  ANTIGONE: It’s good, of course. We all have stuff we need to work on. I have to fight my deep-seated melancholia.

  CREON: How do you do that?

  ANTIGONE: Struggle, struggle.

  CREON: Struggle is a beautiful drug.

  ACT V

  SCENE 1

  An instrumental song, ‘Every Hard-on Needs Love’. Everyone dances. When the song ends, they are all sitting around in the kitchen. OEDIPUS goes to the front of the stage.

  OEDIPUS: Hello, my name is Oedipus, Oedipus Rex. And I think I have been unhappy for a very long time.

  (Pause.) Let me be happy.

  TIRESIAS: Sorry. Not on the cards. You’ll just have to face it.

  OEDIPUS: I have limited imagination. Tell me something straight.

  TIRESIAS: You were fucking your mother and you murdered your father. Is that straight enough for you?

  Pause.

  ANTIGONE: What was your favourite song when you were growing up?

  OEDIPUS: ‘Freebird’ by Lynyrd Skynyrd.

  Pause.

  If I leave here tomorrow

  Would you still remember me?

  For I’m free traveling on now

  Because there’s too many places I’ve got to see

  OEDIPUS cries inconsolably.

  SCENE 2

  A barbecue. Everyone is sitting around in the back garden. OEDIPUS’ eyes are bandaged.

  TIRESIAS: Where did you get the sausages?

  OEDIPUS: At that butcher down the road. The one that’s always smiling.

  TIRESIAS: They’re… Interesting.

  CREON: Moist.

  OEDIPUS: What?

  CREON: I said, they’re moist. The sausages.

  ANTIGONE: I should have bought a new dress. For the summer.

  JOCASTA: That’s all right. It’s raining.

  ANTIGONE: It might stop.

  JOCASTA: It never stops.

  OEDIPUS: Does anyone else’s eyes hurt? I think it might just be the smoke.

  JOCASTA: Who made the potato salad? Has anyone tried it?

  CREON: Hard.

  JOCASTA: What?

  CREON: It’s hard.

&n
bsp; JOCASTA: You always have to find fault in everything, don’t you?

  TIRESIAS: Life is hard. The potato salad is just a little chewy.

  ANTIGONE: You’re so deep, Tiresias.

  TIRESIAS: You should hear my poetry.

  CREON: Why aren’t there any ribs?

  JOCASTA: Oh, come on. It doesn’t matter.

  TIRESIAS: Yeah. Where are the ribs?

  OEDIPUS: I fucked-up the marinade. I mistook tablespoons for teaspoons. They were inedible.

  CREON: And what about the steaks?

  OEDIPUS: They went off. I forgot to put them in the fridge.

  There were little worms crawling out of them. Sorry.

  TIRESIAS: And where are the burgers?

  OEDIPUS: They were in the freezer. I thought they’d be okay. But they came out all grey and mushy. There wasn’t time to get any more. Sorry. But the sausages are good, aren’t they?

  CREON: Moist.

  OEDIPUS: See? We have moist sausages. Grand.

  CREON: Moist is not a good thing.

  TIRESIAS: Tender. Tender is a good thing.

  ANTIGONE: They’re disgusting.

  JOCASTA: At least it’s not raining.

  ANTIGONE: It is raining.

  OEDIPUS: Have some potato salad. I made it.

  TIRESIAS: It’s chewy.

  JOCASTA: You ruined the barbecue.

  OEDIPUS: I always ruin the barbecue.

  JOCASTA: I live in hope that some day you’ll get it right.

  OEDIPUS: At least the weather held.

  JOCASTA: It’s pissing rain.

  OEDIPUS: Not as much as it might be.

  JOCASTA: You’re blind.

  OEDIPUS: You’re dead.

  JOCASTA: Have you got a problem with that?

  OEDIPUS: I’m going to go away.

  JOCASTA: I thought you might.

  OEDIPUS: There’s nothing left for me here.

  JOCASTA: No. Nothing.

  OEDIPUS: And what about you?

  JOCASTA: I’m dead. I’ll be fine. It’s the children I worry about.

  SCENE 3

  ANTIGONE speaks into a mic.

  ANTIGONE: I’d like to say something.

  TIRESIAS: Go ahead.

  OEDIPUS: Go ahead.

  ANTIGONE: I think it’s all been a big misunderstanding.

  JOCASTA: It usually is.

  ANTIGONE: I mean, we get on okay. We just need to be kinder to each other. And forgive more…