“Fair enough. What if I take you to the wedding instead? I’d be a buffer between you and the ex, and you wouldn’t have to sit by yourself while Becca’s off doing her thing.”
Harper thought about Dean’s suggestion and wondered if the two men had spoken. No, she told herself. Dean wouldn’t do that. But why on earth would Lucas volunteer for that kind of duty?
“You can’t be serious. You don’t want to go to a wedding with me. I mean it’s sweet of you to offer and I’d have to run it by Terence...”
Telling her ex that she was Becca’s plus one but wanted to bring a plus one of her own would be kind of thrilling, but no. She couldn’t.
She smiled at him. “Thank you for offering, but it’s not practical. We’re friends and I don’t want to make things awkward. I mean, what if people thought I was your date? You couldn’t handle that.”
“Why not?”
“I’m forty-two.”
“I know.”
“That’s nearly double Pomegranate’s age.”
“Persimmon, and I told you, we’re not dating anymore.”
“You were never dating. You were sleeping with her. Lucas, you’re being so nice to me and I appreciate it, but I’m not sure you could handle being in the presence of an age-appropriate woman for that long. I’m afraid you’d shrivel up and blow away.”
“I’m over here all the time.”
“Yes, and no one knows.”
“You’re making fun of me.”
“You’re kind of an easy target.” She laughed. “Okay, I’ll stop because you’re being so nice to me.”
He didn’t smile back. “I’m taking you to the wedding.”
“As if.”
“I mean it.” He looked plenty serious.
She thought about what it would be like to sit alone while Becca was in the ceremony. Later she would have to deal with mutual friends and the bride’s family. She doubted ducking out early was going to be an option. Which meant she would have a hideous evening. Going with someone would help and it wasn’t as if Lucas was someone she had to worry about. He was funny and confident and she would bet he looked really good in a suit. Plus, she would get to dump on Terence about not telling her about the wedding himself and the fact that she was bringing a date. No need for him to know it was all for show.
“You’re sure?” she asked.
“More than sure.”
“Then I’m going to say yes, and thank you.”
* * *
“Anything else about oil pressure?” Lucas asked.
Becca was torn between pride and wanting to roll her eyes. “Sometimes people experience low oil pressure at different times of the year. Less of an issue here because we have relatively consistent temperatures, but in other places, like Minnesota, it could be a real problem.”
“And?”
“And if that happens you need to pay attention to the type of oil you’re using. A high viscosity oil works in the summer because it’s really thick and the heat kind of dilutes it. In super cold temperatures, it’s too thick and causes problems with the engine. It works in reverse, too. A low viscosity oil in hot weather isn’t going to work because it’s too loose.”
“You’re looking smug,” he told her. “Do you know what any of that means?”
“Of course. If you live where it’s really cold, change your oil with the seasons. Even a place like Phoenix, where it doesn’t get really cold, it gets really hot, so you might need a special oil there.”
He grinned. “Well done.”
She opened the driver’s door of her car and slid inside. “I was kind of mad at you,” she admitted as she checked her seat position and mirrors. Every now and then Lucas broke into her car before their lessons and changed everything. The man took his teaching job seriously.
“About?”
“Making me learn all about my car. Other kids don’t have to. But now that I know everything, it’s kind of interesting. Plus, if there’s a problem, I can talk to the mechanic.” She glanced at him. “I’m thinking of taking auto shop for my elective next fall.”
“Does your mom know?”
She laughed. “No, and you can’t tell her. I want to see if it works in my schedule.”
“It’s good to know a few things.” He pointed down the street. “Head to Pacific Coast Highway. From PCH, take Torrance to Hawthorne. Go south on the 405 to the Long Beach freeway, then PCH back.”
Her stomach tightened. She’d been on the freeway before, but not for that long and she’d never gone from one freeway to another. She generally got on at one exit and off two exits later.
“You can do it,” he told her.
She nodded, checked her mirrors again, then pulled into the street.
“Did you hear about Grandma leaving?” she asked, more to distract herself from her nerves than because she wanted to talk about her family. “She was really mad about Aunt Stacey not telling her about the baby. I don’t get it. Why didn’t she say something before? Grandma would be happy to have another grandchild.”
“It’s complicated for Stacey.”
“Because she cares about her career more than making sure the napkins match the tablecloth. I think Aunt Stacey is great. She’s helping people with MS. That’s more important than remembering it’s national ice cream day.”
She turned onto Torrance Boulevard and got over as quickly as she could. She would be turning left onto Hawthorne, but with a green arrow, so that was okay. She still didn’t like turning left in front of oncoming traffic. She was never sure how much space she should leave and usually left so much that the car behind her started honking. Sometimes it was easier to just make three right turns instead.
“Are you dissing your mom?” Lucas asked, his tone sharp. “She takes really good care of you, Becca. She cares about you. You have no idea what it’s like to live with an indifferent parent.”
“You’re wrong,” she told him, careful to keep her attention on the road. “She doesn’t care about me. She’s too busy with work.”
“Huh. I wonder why that’s so important to her. Could it be that you like eating?”
She really wanted to glare at him, but didn’t. Instead she sighed heavily before saying, “It’s not my fault my parents got divorced and it’s not my fault she kept the house. Do you think I like knowing I’m the reason my mom is struggling? I’m going to be gone in a couple of years and then what? Why couldn’t she have sold the house, and then everything would be fine.”
“How do you figure?”
“Because my dad pays her alimony and child support.”
“You know the child support goes right into your college fund, don’t you?”
Um, no. She didn’t. Becca felt herself flush. “How do you know?”
“She told me. She’d probably tell you, if you asked.”
“But there’s alimony.”
“Right. You know your dad. Do you think he’s paying her very much? And it’s going to run out in a couple of years, but sure, she should wait to try to support herself and you because you need attention.”
“That’s mean.”
“That’s honest. I’m not saying your mom isn’t busy. I’m sure she is. She could probably listen more, but you know what? You could ask her to make time. You could tell her you have something important going on.”
“Why does it always have to be me?” she yelled. “Why do I have to be the one to do the right thing?”
She turned onto Hawthorne, got in the right lane, then risked a glance. Lucas’s expression was incredulous.
“What?” she demanded.
“Seriously? You’re going to pull that crap on me? Like you give in even half the time? Like you’re some saint who never pouts or screws up or lies or doesn’t do what you’re supposed to. Sure. It’s all your mom.”
“I’m
not saying it’s all her. Just that it doesn’t always have to be me. She’s the mom.”
“Yeah, she is. One quick question. When is it you?”
“What do you mean?”
“You said you didn’t want it always to be you. So I’m asking, when do you take care of stuff for her? When do you get up early to make breakfast or do her laundry, or clean the house, or take her shopping or make sure she’s okay? Have you ever once walked in and said, ‘Mom, I know you’ve been working really hard. How can I help?’ Just one example, Becca.”
She pulled into a strip mall parking lot and drove into a spot, then turned off her car.
“Why are you doing this? Why are you being mean and taking her side?”
His expression was unreadable. “I’m saying that when you diss your mom for no reason, it’s not fair and it doesn’t speak well of you. You’re a good kid, Becca, but you’re also selfish and entitled. You expect to be taken care of but you don’t offer very much in return.” He waved his hand, pointing at her dashboard. “Like this. What do I get out of helping you get in your driving hours? You’re not doing anything for me in return. I’m not a relative. You and I don’t hang out. So why would I bother?”
He leaned toward her. “I don’t expect an answer. My point is, you don’t even ask the question. We should all live to serve you.”
“It’s not like that. I’m not that person.”
“Really? When was the last time you cleaned up after Jazz in the yard?”
“I... There’s a service.”
“Uh-huh. And what else do you do for that dog? You feed her but do you ever stop to think she needs more than just sitting around waiting for you to get home? What about your grandmother? Have you been to see her since she left? Are you keeping up your grades? That was part of our deal—or do you have an excuse?”
“Stop it!” She got out of the car and tried to catch her breath. “I’m not horrible. Stop saying I am.”
“Then don’t trash your mother.”
They glared at each other. Lucas looked way more calm than she felt. She wanted to scream at him to go away, but she couldn’t. Not only were they several miles from the house, she thought maybe he was right. Not about everything, but about the driving, for sure. Why was he helping her? He didn’t have to. Her own dad couldn’t be bothered and Becca had never had the heart to ask her mom. Even she could see how her mom was struggling to hold it all together.
He got out of the car and stared at her across the roof. “Get your shit together, Becca. Figure it out because no one is going to do it for you. I see a lot of potential in you, but potential is meaningless until you do something worthwhile. The world is filled with sad people who had potential. Now either get in and finish the route or head back home. It doesn’t much matter to me which.”
She met his gaze and saw the truth there. He hadn’t said anything, but she had a feeling that if she took him home, that would be the end of her lessons with him.
“You really like her, huh?” she asked.
“I respect her, Becca, and so should you.”
She waited for a second, then got in the car and started the engine. When she pulled out of the parking lot, she turned right and headed for the freeway.
Chapter Twenty
STACEY READ THE letter twice, then dropped it in her tote. The written apology from Karl would go in her permanent file, and she’d been given a raise. Her team was doing well. Their latest experiments were moving to the human trial stage, which was always exciting. At her last checkup, her doctor had said the baby was developing nicely. Things could not be better.
She just wished she felt better or even okay, but she didn’t. She was restless and sad and emotionally uncomfortable every second of every day. The only place she felt at peace was with Bay and her rapidly growing puppies.
She got home at her usual time and called out a greeting to Kit, then retreated to their bedroom to change her clothes. Once she was in yoga pants and a T-shirt, she went to check on the new family.
Bay waggled her tail as Stacey approached and stretched out her head for a quick rub.
“Hi, sweet girl. How are you feeling? Your babies look good. Are you happy?”
Kit walked into his office and joined her on the floor. “Both my new moms are glowing,” he said, leaning in and giving her a kiss. “How was work?”
“Fine. I have a written apology from Karl.”
“Good. I didn’t want to have to beat him up, but I would have done it for you.”
Kind words, loving words. He was such a good husband and she was a complete and total mess.
“What?” he asked gently. “Stacey, what’s going on? You haven’t been yourself for a while now.”
She stroked the small puppies. They still had their eyes closed, but they were starting to develop personalities. Bay licked her puppy and Stacey’s hand, always the vigilant mother.
“She knows what to do,” Stacey said. “The way she handled the birth and now. She’s amazing.”
Her husband watched her without speaking.
“It’s instinct,” she continued. “It’s very powerful. There are hormones and chemicals at work. Some studies suggest that when animal mothers reject their offspring the hormones aren’t present. Scientists are looking for ways to create them synthetically but I think it’s going to be a long time until that happens.”
“Interesting.” His tone was noncommittal, as if he knew there was more.
She felt their daughter move. While she was happy to know that all was well and to have the regular reminders that Joule was growing stronger every day, she didn’t feel anything else. No connection, no anticipation. If Kit told her he’d changed his mind and wanted them to give up their baby for adoption, she wasn’t sure she would mind very much. Or at all.
A truth that would shock him and probably change how he saw her, she thought sadly.
“Stacey, please. Tell me what you’re thinking.”
What was the line from that movie? You can’t handle the truth. But she had to say something.
She kept her gaze on the puppies as she said, “When I was growing up my mom always said there was something wrong with me, that I wasn’t like other children. I never cared about that before, but I do now.”
She looked at him. “Bunny was right. I’m not normal. I’m not like everyone else.”
He surprised her by smiling. “Is that all? Honey, we’re all broken. Some of us just show it in different ways. It’s okay that you’re scared about how you’re going to deal with Joule. You’re not a kid person and you’ve never been around babies. It may take a while but I’m confident you’ll bond with her and love her. You’re going to be a great mom.”
“What if you’re wrong?”
“I’m not.”
Hardly a helpful statement. “It’s easy for you. You like everyone and everyone likes you. You’re a really good guy.”
“And just as broken as everyone else.”
“I don’t believe you.”
“Remember when I told you about being married to Geena?”
His first wife? She nodded.
“She’d had cancer when she a teenager and as a result of that, she couldn’t have children. I told her I was fine with it and we got married. At first everything was okay, but after a couple of years, I started to resent not being able to have kids. I wanted to talk about adoption, but she wasn’t interested. I loved her, but I wasn’t happy and I couldn’t bring myself to tell her.”
“Because it would be like blaming her for having cancer?”
He nodded. “Exactly that. There was an unwritten rule that we were never supposed to talk about her being anything but whole. Just when I finally grew a pair and was going to insist we talk about the problem, her cancer came back.”
He touched her face. “Look at my sister. What she�
��s been through. I grew up with her high, looking to get high, coming down from being high and generally spiraling out of control. None of us is exactly how we want to be. The goal is to be the best person we can be, given our flaws.”
She knew what he was trying to say and she appreciated the effort, only he was talking about a normal level of brokenness while she was wrestling with the possibility of being so far from everyone else that she couldn’t ever find her way back.
“You’re going to be a great mom.”
Something she knew not to be true, but she loved Kit and she didn’t want him to worry so she kissed him and smiled. “You’re right. It might take a while, but I’ll get there.”
* * *
Becca hadn’t known what to think about Lucas’s lecture. She wanted to tell herself he was wrong about everything, but she couldn’t seem to convince herself. She missed her friends, she missed talking to her mom and she didn’t know how to stop feeling so uncomfortable with herself.
The only two good things she could count on were Jazz and Ashton. Both were there for her. Jazz was always waiting, just like Lucas had said. And Ashton, well, he was funny and kind and every time she thought about him, her heart beat faster.
They’d shared a couple more kisses, so she was getting better at that. She still thought that sleeping with him would change her enough that everything would be okay, only she didn’t know how to tell him she wanted to do that. What did you say? Just blurting it out seemed really impossible, but it wasn’t as if she could bring it up in a text.
From everything she’d heard and read and seen in the movies, guys just naturally tried to take things further and further, but so far Ashton hadn’t done anything other than kiss her. What was up with that?
“Ready?” her mother asked.
Becca collected Jazz’s leash and nodded. “Thanks for dropping me off,” she said. “It’s kind of far to walk both ways.”
“You sure you’re going to be able to get home all right?”
Becca smiled. “I know how to cross the street.”
Her mother laughed. “Okay, okay, you’re right. I can’t help it. No matter how grown-up you are, you’ll always be my little girl. Have fun, sweetie.”
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