by Abigail Agar
The following day, Marian was much the same. She was angry and tired and in quite a foul temper. It would do them no good to keep pushing her when she was unwilling to behave with any sense of peace about her.
But Victoria tried to push her a little bit more than the previous day. Useless though it proved to be, she made every effort.
“I have nothing more to say to you until you tell me what my father did,” Marian remarked.
“Miss Marian, I have two things that I must say to you,” Victoria insisted in a stern voice that she had never before used with Marian.
The child looked up at her with a glint of fear in her eyes, not being prepared for such a temper.
“The first thing I must insist upon is that you cease in this senseless prattle about your father doing something against me and I being neglectful of him. You are wrong. There is nothing changed between us. He is still the master of this house and I am its governess. So you may stop in that reckless speech of yours,” Victoria seethed.
“The second thing which I wish to address is how you speak to your superiors. Until now we have focused on intellect, but right now I must discuss manners with you because that is an area in which you are appallingly behind where you ought to be,” Victoria continued, allowing her anger to speak instead of her compassion.
“I understand that you have been through a great many difficult things for a young child. But that is no excuse for how you speak to your father or to me. You must show us both respect, as well as any other adult that comes into your life.
“Until you learn how to speak with your elders, it is best that you do not speak at all. For you are shaming those who love you and causing us to look as though we are terrible guardians. Do you understand me?” she asked.
Marian silently nodded her head, saucer-like eyes still open with fear. It made Victoria feel terrible to know she had allowed her anger to speak, but they were things she knew needed to be said.
Marian looked as though she might genuinely cry, but instead she simply picked up her pencil and began to scratch the work onto her paper. She was working in a way she never had before; the scolding had been effective.
Victoria took a deep breath. It was deeply unsettling to know that her decision to protect herself had created a distance with her charge. Things had been difficult enough early in this position as a governess. But now, it seemed nearly impossible.
Marian was furious with her. Nevertheless, Victoria knew that it was best. The pain that she was feeling from this distance was exactly how it had to be.
And yet it hurt deeply to distance herself from the Earl for whom she cared so much. Not only that, but losing the progress that she had made with Marian was deeply distressing.
Throughout this time, Victoria had received and written to her mother and also her father.
It had felt strange at first to correspond with him, but she was learning to forgive him for the things that he had done. His change seemed genuine and that was more than she could have asked for.
Their letters had been brief thus far, but he had expressed to her how he hoped to see her that they might discuss things more fully and spend time with one another. Victoria hoped that such a day would come, but also felt increasingly unprepared for it.
To take her mind off the wonder of such a thing, she looked through a few envelopes she had been handed.
Opening one of the letters from her mother, Victoria felt herself instantly uneasy.
My Dearest Victoria,
I was pleased to receive your last letter. It is good that you have begun to build so many relationships amongst the other household staff. It is my deepest wish to see you happy, to see you joyful.
Do you still enjoy your position? Are you happy with the post you have chosen?
Your father and I long to see you at your earliest convenience. However, we understand that such a thing is not easily done when you are under the employee of nobility.
We speak of you often, wondering how things have come to pass for you. Please do tell us what you are feeling these days in terms of your post. After all, the world is vast and there is always room to find joy.
Love always,
Your Mother
The letter resonated within Victoria. She wished that she could tell her parents everything that had occurred. But there was no way of explaining the love that she felt for her employer.
It hurt too much to even confess to herself.
Chapter 27
“Miss Jamison,” Miss Franklin called from the other side of the door, knocking lightly where it was slightly ajar.
“Yes?” she replied, her thoughts gone out of the back window where she stared down at the gardens below. Victoria did not wish for company, but that was primarily because she knew that she had not been keeping her emotions well in order of late.
It had seemed that everyone around her had gained her ability to observe and see the emotions of people when they least wanted them to be deciphered. And this time, it was Victoria that they were observing.
“The Earl has requested you. Lady Ingles is present and has asked that you sit with them for tea. She remarked that she very much enjoyed your company and should like for you to be with the two of them as they spend time with one another,” Miss Franklin said, knowing nothing of the pain that resounded in Victoria’s heart.
An icy feeling crept its way down Victoria’s back. The very last thing in all the world that she wished for was to have to face Lady Ingles.
And yet, the worst was still to come. Of that, Victoria was certain. She felt as though she might be sick.
For a long moment she lingered in her bedroom, considering the fact that she might be able to avoid going down the stairs and being with the other two. Surely she could think of some excuse? Surely there must be some reason she would not be able to join them just now?
But all the thoughts she had that might enable her to avoid them were foolish and selfish. She had faced Lady Ingles many times prior to this, why was she now more terrified than ever to be seen by the woman?
Deep down, Victoria knew exactly why she was anxious. Above all the reasonable thoughts she had for not wishing to be amongst the two, she feared that the Earl would see something pass between herself and Lady Ingles. She feared that he would be able to catch that something had occurred between them, and the secret would be far too difficult to keep.
Of course, even if that did not happen, she still wondered why Lady Ingles would even request her. Was it an attempt at being friendly in order to convince her to maintain her silence? Or was Lady Ingles really the kind woman that Victoria had come to believe her to be? All of it was far too confusing and distressing for her to decipher.
Nevertheless, she knew that she had been summoned and had little choice in the matter. She would go. She would join them. She would be polite and she would remain quiet unless spoken to or asked a question.
And with that determination, Victoria shifted from the window and moved her feet.
Entering the drawing room, she curtseyed and greeted the Earl and his betrothed. Lady Ingles gave her a flash of her beautiful, genuine smile as she greeted her in return.
“It is so good to see you again, Miss Jamison,” she remarked, acting casually as she would with a dear old friend.
Victoria wished that it were all genuine, but she still could hardly believe that Lady Ingles was this wonderful woman that she seemed to be if she could not see how fortunate she was to be engaged to the Earl. Was this just another shade of her dynamic character? Was this another aspect of the woman she wished for the world to see her as?
“And you, Lady Ingles. To what do I owe the honour of this invitation?” she asked, trying to remain polite as she stood before the two.
“Well, you must sit with us, first of all,” the Earl answered her, looking eager that she accompany them.
Victoria silently did as she was told. She took her place in the empty space on the sofa beside Lady Ingles and waited. Ther
e was still no reason at all that she could think of for why she had been called to join them, and wished desperately that they would dismiss her to return to her room.
“There is no honour, I simply enjoy your company,” Lady Ingles replied. “It is my own honour that I might be able to entertain your company for a brief time.”
The words she said were all the polite and correct remarks to make, but it did not change that Victoria felt uncomfortable. As if her own skin did not fit quite correctly, she wished that she could jump out of it and run away to another room.
But alas, she was stuck here for the present. And for the present, she could simply remain with them and wonder why she had to suffer this strange community when she would have been far better off in her room, daydreaming or preparing lessons for Marian.
And she wondered, as well, if Marian ought not to have been invited to join them. After all, Lady Ingles was soon to be her mother and yet Victoria had scarcely seen the two interact. Marian seemed not to care for the idea of her new mother, but Victoria had seen how picky the child could be about those with whom she interacted.
For quite some time, not another word was said. The three adults simply sipped their tea as Miss Franklin stood nearby in the corner, waiting until more was needed. Now and then, the maid would bend forward and pour a glass, letting that be the only sound made in the entire room.
There was a heaviness to the silence of the room, almost as if each member held their own secret and wished for none of the others to hear it whispered through their thoughts.
Victoria was already aware of the secret kept by Lady Ingles. And certainly she know of her own secret, the one that she shamefully held in her thoughts. The affection that she had brewing for the Earl, who was soon to be wed.
“How is your daughter?” Lady Ingles managed to remember to ask in the midst of the silence.
Victoria was relieved that she had thought to ask about Marian. For a long time she had wondered what her thoughts were about the impending motherhood, but the two had been so distracted regarding the marriage that motherhood had scarcely come up in their brief conversations.
Aside from both believing that Marian needed a mother, nothing more had been discussed.
“Marian is very well,” the Earl said, too quickly, as if it were a lie he was desperate to recite. The words had fallen from his lips without any real consideration to how she was and Victoria knew that things had not been well between them, nor had they been peaceful with her studies.
“And she is still learning quite well?” Lady Ingles inquired.
At this, both she and the Earl turned to Victoria who placed her tea on the table with as much grace as she could muster.
“Certainly. A child as intelligent as Miss Marian can learn quite easily. It is convincing her that such a thing is the best use of her time that one must struggle against,” she replied with a gentle laugh that sounded entirely false.
Once more, quiet descended as the Earl nodded his head in agreement, staring into the corner of the room. Lady Ingles took another sip of her tea and seemed to be fascinated by it as her only means of distraction in the midst of the awkwardness.
But each of them made every effort to push forward anyway, continuing their discussion through brief sentences and trying to remember polite questions to ask.
For whatever reason they had asked Victoria to join them, she was entirely miserable and wished that they would dismiss her at once. She would have greatly preferred that over this.
There was such a burst of awkward tension in the air that Victoria wondered if the others felt it as well. Was it only her? Or was Lady Ingles aware of the discomfort?
Victoria glanced at Miss Franklin more than once and the two seemed to share an understanding. Once more, Victoria was glad to have such a dear friend amongst the staff.
It was clear that Miss Franklin had managed to catch the situation for what it was. She gave Victoria a look of sympathy and grace. In fact it seemed as though Miss Franklin might have even understood that Victoria had feelings for the Earl, and that was something she had not been prepared for.
The way the maid’s eyebrows met in sympathy and then glanced at him was a silent message. She understood. She knew what Victoria was trying to deny, what she was seeking to avoid and the pain that this was causing.
Victoria gave her a wan smile, as if to say that she was handling the situation as best she could, but without denying the truth that was coming through. Somehow this unspoken conversation was easing her sadness and enabling Victoria to better handle what was truly going through her thoughts.
She had long wished to share with Miss Franklin the feelings that she held for the Earl, but it had not been an option. This was the only way in which she had been able to share the truth and yet keep Lady Ingles’ secret as well as her own.
She thought that perhaps, later, she and Miss Franklin might discuss at length the reality which she had been trying to ignore and deny. But until then, she would have to sit patiently.
“Lady Ingles, might I interject for a moment?” the Earl said with a sudden fervor.
Victoria looked at him and he glanced back at her, a look of apology in his eyes from which she could not tear her gaze. In addition to this, Victoria could not quite gather exactly what he was interjecting into where there was no conversation to be had at the moment.
“Certainly, my lord. What is it that you wish to discuss?” Lady Ingles asked, her delicate voice nearly shaking.
Victoria wondered if she had noted the look between herself and the Earl. Did Lady Ingles suspect that she had shared the secret? That the Earl was going to scold her or address the affair?
“We have been betrothed to one another for quite a length of time. I wished to discuss with you that I believe we ought to finally set a date,” he suggested, his own voice sounding somewhat frail as the words came out.
“A…a date?” Lady Ingles echoed.
“For the wedding. I believe we must choose the date upon which we are to become man and wife and it must be decided swiftly. What do you think?” he inquired, allowing Lady Ingles to share her own thoughts on the matter.
For a moment, the woman spluttered, as if unsure what she ought to reply with. Victoria felt her own heart drop into her stomach with a disappointment and sadness that she could hardly begin to conceive of.
How was she to handle such emotions that came over her with this sort of fervour? How was she to handle the thought that the man for whom she felt a deep, honest affection was going to be married to a woman who loved another and was unable to deny that love when faced with it?
Once more, Victoria wished that she had exposed the secret affair long ago. But once more, she had that wish for selfish reasons and she reminded herself of all the things that had led to her keeping the promise thus far.
She still wished to protect the Earl from the scandal of his betrothed being unfaithful. She wished to protect the reputation of Lady Ingles. And she wished for Marian to have a mother. These were reasons enough, she told herself.
“I-I cannot say, my lord. I suppose you are correct. A decision must be made,” she answered, sounding very much as though she would rather have said anything but the words which came out of her mouth.
“Does this come as a surprise to you?” he asked, appearing somewhat nervous.
“No, of course not,” she answered with a shrill laugh of discomfort, the sort that accompanies a lie of any type.
“I had thought that our intent to marry was quite clear,” he said to her.
