by Abigail Agar
“Of course it is. Our engagement began some time ago. Forgive me, I was simply not prepared to have this discussion today, but certainly, it must be had,” she replied.
“Then it must be soon. The date must be swift,” he said with determination.
The look of shock upon the face of Lady Ingles was nearly comical. Or so it would have been if Victoria had not mirrored it herself.
But hearing that he wished to set the date felt as though a dagger had been struck straight into her heart. Victoria could not bear the thought of him marrying a woman who did not love him.
She could not bear the thought of him being with anyone except for her.
Struggling to take a breath in, she could not remain in the room. She had to escape if there was to be any hope of saving her dignity.
Victoria knew that remaining in the parlour meant risking the tears spilling out in front of them. She could not let go of her dignity so willingly. There was no other choice but to escape them and retire to her room without another word.
But words had to be spoken and an explanation had to be given. That, she knew for certain.
Victoria steadied her emotions, clenching her jaw against the pain in her throat that strangled her cry. She held herself steady, formed her mouth for words that she knew might unlock the dam of her weeping if she were not careful.
“Forgive me, but I feel unwell. Thank you for your kind hospitality and I wish the two of you a wonderful day,” she managed to say as she stood.
Victoria ushered herself from the room as quickly as she was able, desperate to be free of any lingering thought. She had not been formally dismissed, nor had she asked for it as she ought to have. But she cared not in the moment. It didn’t matter. She had to be gone from the room and that was all that concerned her.
Perhaps the Earl said her name as she left, but she did not listen. It was rude and inappropriate, but it was all she could do. The hall seemed long as she fled it, and the stairs seemed too high. But she rushed as quickly as she was able.
And the moment she was alone in her room, the tears began to flow.
Chapter 28
From her room, Victoria descended the stairs quietly. She could no longer hold herself hostage in that small space. Air was the very thing she needed.
With her heart completely shattered and no direction in sight, she began to make her way across the grounds surrounding the estate.
As she tried to compose herself, she heard the voice of a dear friend calling after her.
Victoria was surprised to see Miss Franklin coming her way with a sense of sincerity and concern.
Silently, the maid sat beside her, allowing the quiet to remain and not feeling the need to force conversation where it might still be too difficult. Miss Franklin simply took Victoria’s hand in her own and gave it a comforting squeeze.
“Forgive me,” Victoria sniffed, using her other hand to wipe the streaks of tears from her cheek.
“There is nothing to forgive. Unless you are referring to the fact that you are a woman who has faced a great deal of sadness today and have little more to show for it than the pressures of a woman for whom the future has been decided,” Miss Franklin laughed, bitterly. It was a fate they both shared.
“What do you know?” Victoria asked, softly. She wondered how much Miss Franklin had deduced by now and wished that she could explain it all away more easily.
“Well, I was just dismissed by the Earl and Lady Ingles as they wished to discuss their marriage in confidence. But prior to that, it was very clear that she was shocked by the fact that he wished to set a date despite the fact that this has been arranged for quite some time,” Miss Franklin began, speaking about the couple.
“But as for the rest, I have only deduced that there is something which has passed between yourself and the Earl of Hanover. And I must guess that it is a feeling which you both have for one another but understand that you may not act upon as we live in a society that cannot allow for such a thing between a governess and her master,” she added.
“I assure you that it is only I who feels that something might pass between us. The Earl should deem himself fortunate to marry a woman like Lady Ingles. But I fear that despite appearances, despite whatever feelings he may have for her, their marriage shall not be a happy one,” Victoria alluded.
Miss Franklin was quiet but gave Victoria a confused expression.
“Miss Jamison, I must ask you two questions. The first is whether or not you truly believe that he cares for Lady Ingles when it is rather clear that there is no love between the two of them? The second question which I must ask you is why you believe they shall have an unhappy marriage?” Miss Franklin wondered.
“I have no answer to your first question. There is something which brought them together. There must have been something between the two of them that caused him to love her and I can hardly say what it might have been, but it is undeniable,” Victoria said.
“How is it undeniable? Marriages happen frequently without either party wishing for them. They come about out of a mutual benefit, and rarely out of love,” Miss Franklin pointed out.
“But that benefit still means something. And it would grow into a sort of affection. Therefore, I can hardly justify saying that they have no feelings for one another because the Earl made a decision not only to marry her, but to set a date now for their wedding. He is being wise and he is doing the right thing. There is nothing more to it than that,” Victoria declared as final.
Miss Franklin waited, but Victoria did not continue or address the second point. She understood that the silence was meant for her to fill, but she hoped that her friend had forgotten all about it.
And yet, luck was not on her side.
“What for the second question? What reason do you have for believing that their union shall be an unhappy one if you are so determined that they have chosen to be together and care for one another and all the other nonsense you have mentioned?” Miss Franklin challenged.
How could Victoria tell her friend the full truth? It seemed unwise, and yet she knew that it would bring her peace. Peace was the very thing she lacked the most.
“I cannot say. It is just a feeling that I have. Or perhaps it is my own selfish desire as I care so deeply for the Earl that I wish for him only to have happiness with me,” she reasoned.
“I do not accept that. You are not a selfish woman and I can’t believe that you would feel that way. Even if you did, I do not think that you would project unhappiness onto the two of them,” Miss Franklin noted.
“Perhaps I am a worse woman that you give me credit for. Perhaps I am actually quite cruel and I do not like to think of others having joy in their lives,” she replied.
Miss Franklin scoffed.
“You are the last woman in the world who would ever treat others that way. Stop being so foolish. You and I both know that you simply do not have that character in you. Now, tell me, what is really behind it all? What is your reason for thinking they shall be unhappy?” she asked again.
How was it that Miss Franklin seemed so confident in her ability to read Victoria? It was clear from her words that she knew Victoria was keeping a secret. But Victoria had committed to silence and could not tell even her dearest friend.
“Whatever it is, it does not matter,” Victoria said, giving Miss Franklin a look that was both kind and firm. With that, her friend knew that there would be no more word spoken on the issue and she ought not to continue asking.
“I do not know what I should do,” Victoria then continued. “I cannot bear the thought of remaining and simply sitting back and allowing the wedding to happen before my own eyes. But the idea of leaving is equally terrible. I love my position here and I enjoy being a governess for Miss Marian. What am I to do?”
Miss Franklin was taken aback that the question was being asked and her expression showed Victoria that it horrified her to think of her dear friend leaving.
“I cannot bear to see it happen, M
iss Franklin. I know and I understand that it shall proceed and there is nothing that I might say or do about it. It would be terrible if I even tried. But I am aching at the thought of having to watch it all occur,” she confessed.
“I can give you no advice, but I wish that I had even a single word of wisdom for you,” Miss Franklin said.
“Wisdom would be ideal, but for the moment I simply need the ear of a friend, and that is what you provide for me that none of the others seem able to do,” Victoria replied.
After a moment of silence, she continued to voice her concerns.
“I fear that the Earl expects his family to be completed through this marriage and I cannot see that happening,” she confessed.
Victoria thought again about her option of simply telling him the truth about Lady Ingles and confessing that she had held onto this secret for the woman’s own sake. She could tell him how she fought within herself between honesty and loyalty and how she could best help the situation.
But it could so easily damage Lady Ingles forever. Certainly, the two of them would both be free of their commitment to this engagement that seemed to be a mere convenience, but if it destroyed the reputation of Lady Ingles, even potentially destroying her livelihood, it could not be the best choice. Could it? Would that ever be the right solution if it ruined another person?
Victoria understood what it was to fall from the graces of society and how it felt to be seen as a woman who had lost her reputation. Certainly, Victoria’s situation had not changed based on her own actions, but that only would have made it far worse for Lady Ingles.
How could she bear to do that to another? How could she bring herself to wound someone who had treated her with kindness, even if it did seem that it would bring about the better option for everyone involved?
Freedom. That was what this was all about. Lady Ingles needed the freedom to be with Mr. Smith. The Earl needed the freedom to choose a woman he loved. Marian needed the freedom to be a child and have a mother.
And Victoria? She needed the freedom to dream about a future that could never be.
No, Lady Ingles would never manage to recoup her reputation. There would be far too great a damage done and it was unfair of her to do that just for her own sake and her own wishes for a union with the Earl that would never come to pass.
“What are you thinking?” Miss Franklin asked, interrupting the cycle of thoughts that had been haunting Victoria time and time again.
She sighed before answering, “I am thinking about choices.”
Miss Franklin laughed. “Choices? Is that something we shall ever have?”
Victoria joined in the laughter, recognising how foolish it was to even hope that they might have such a thing.
“I suppose not. But it would certainly be a nice thing, would it not?” she asked.
“Absolutely. But I’ve not heard of that ever coming to pass for us. Not women who work for nobility. There is always the choice to fall further down, but that is merely a consequence of our choices. Beyond that, choice is something that is reserved for those who have the world at their feet,” Miss Franklin noted.
Victoria nodded in agreement. It was true. It was also an important reminder to her.
Even if she did choose to tell the Earl about Lady Ingles and her affair, it would mean nothing for her own wishes. She was a mere governess now. And with that fact, she had to accept that she could never change his mind about her.
There would never be a chance or a guarantee that he would make the choice. He could have any young woman in all of England. Why would he choose a governess whose family had fallen from society? Why would he ever align with someone whose reputation had been destroyed by her father’s carelessness?
Yes, choice was something she had to remember. Because it was something that he had and she did not, and there was no changing that. There was no reason to believe that he would ever make the choice for her or that he would ever wish to be with someone like Victoria, even if he were free.
“I am confident, however, that whatever choices you do have, you shall make the right ones,” Miss Franklin remarked.
“Do you truly believe that?” Victoria asked.
“I have seen nothing that would make me believe the contrary. You are a good woman with a kind heart. You understand others and you observe them well. I believe you shall always make the right choice when one is before you,” she confirmed.
“I think that you see a better version of me than what is there. I wish that I could be this woman you claim that I am,” Victoria said.
“Perhaps you do not see it but that should not keep others from doing so. I do see that you are kind and decent. You ought to keep that in mind. After all, we have very little in this world if we have no hope that we might be better,” Miss Franklin said.
“I think you have just given me the word of wisdom that I had hoped for, the one which you did not think yourself capable of giving,” Victoria told her.
“Then perhaps I must listen to myself, for I do not see that I have much wisdom at all. I am a simple housekeeper. But you are right, I suppose. And if we work together to listen to ourselves and we believe that we can make things better, then perhaps a whole new world lies ahead for us,” Miss Franklin said with a great deal of hope.
“Yes, perhaps it does,” Victoria agreed.
“Listen to the heart within you and follow it. I do believe that you shall do the right thing and see the happiness that you wish for the Earl. There is a life to be lived for us all and I know you want what is best,” she reiterated.
But was that true? Would Victoria really do the thing that was best for everyone?
The thing that was best for herself would be to expose the lies of Lady Ingles. But the thing that was best for Marian and the Earl was her silence.
Still, a small piece of her did not believe that. It had not been the best thing for her mother to believe the lies of her father. Could she now truly say it was best to deceive the Earl? Was that truly what he would want?
Chapter 29
Victoria had made up her mind. She finally knew the only solution that was left to her. As she glanced at Miss Franklin, she made the decision that she would handle this on her own.
“Thank you for cheering me up,” Victoria said. “You always do bring me so much happiness.”
Giving Miss Franklin a final squeeze of the hand, Victoria smiled at the friend that she would be leaving behind.
With that, Victoria returned to the estate and made her way to her room once more. While there, she wrote a letter that she might be able to give to the Earl that would explain her decision without sharing the many secrets she now possessed, from Lady Ingles to her own affections. Even if she had to read it to him directly, it was the only choice.
She had decided to leave. Victoria could no longer remain in the house and could no longer pretend that she was anything other than a woman in love.
Having to consistently return to the estate and be faced with the Earl, and be faced with the prospect of seeing his fiancée, was far too great of a challenge for her. It was a situation in which she could no longer settle.
Yes, she would have to leave urgently. The longer she remained, the more difficult it would be. And that was a senseless endeavor to concede to.
Immediately upon completion of the letter, Victoria made her way down the stairs and knocked on the parlour door.
The Earl was alone. This was a great relief to her, but it would not make things any easier. His eyes found hers and he looked as though he had something important to say. But Victoria knew that her words were necessary and needed to be said as quickly as possible.
