The Romany Rye

by George Borrow

  CHAPTER XXVIII

  MR. PLATITUDE AND THE MAN IN BLACK--THE POSTILLION'S ADVENTURES--THE LONEHOUSE--A GOODLY ASSEMBLAGE

  It never rains, but it pours. I was destined to see at this inn moreacquaintances than one. On the day of Francis Ardry's departure, shortlyafter he had taken leave of me, as I was standing in the corn-chamber ata kind of writing-table or desk, fastened to the wall, with a book beforeme, in which I was making out an account of the corn and hay latelyreceived and distributed, my friend the postillion came running in out ofbreath. 'Here they both are,' he gasped out; 'pray do come and look atthem!'

  'Whom do you mean?' said I.

  'Why, that red-haired Jack Priest, and that idiotic parson, Platitude;they have just been set down by one of the coaches, and want apost-chaise to go across the country in; and what do you think? I am tohave the driving of them. I have no time to lose, for I must get myselfready: so do come and look at them.'

  I hastened into the yard of the inn; two or three of the helpers of ourestablishment were employed in drawing forward a post-chaise out of thechaise-house, which occupied one side of the yard, and which was spaciousenough to contain nearly twenty of these vehicles, though it was neverfull, several of them being always out upon the roads, as the demand uponus for post-chaises across the country was very great. 'There they are,'said the postillion, softly, nodding towards two individuals, in one ofwhom I recognised the man in black, and in the other Mr. Platitude;'there they are; have a good look at them, while I go and get ready.'The man in black and Mr. Platitude were walking up and down the yard, Mr.Platitude was doing his best to make himself appear ridiculous, talkingvery loudly in exceedingly bad Italian, evidently for the purpose ofattracting the notice of the bystanders, in which he succeeded, all thestable-boys and hangers on about the yard, attracted by his vociferation,grinning at his ridiculous figure as he limped up and down. The man inblack said little or nothing, but from the glances which he cast sidewaysappeared to be thoroughly ashamed of his companion; the worthy couplepresently arrived close to where I was standing, and the man in black,who was nearest to me, perceiving me, stood still as if hesitating, butrecovering himself in a moment, he moved on without taking any furthernotice; Mr. Platitude exclaimed as they passed, in broken lingo, 'I hopewe shall find the holy doctors all assembled,' and as they returned, 'Imake no doubt that they will all be rejoiced to see me.' Not wishing tobe standing an idle gazer, I went to the chaise and assisted in attachingthe horses, which had now been brought out, to the pole. The postillionpresently arrived, and finding all ready took the reins and mounted thebox, whilst I very politely opened the door for the two travellers; Mr.Platitude got in first, and, without taking any notice of me, seatedhimself on the farther side. In got the man in black and seated himselfnearest to me. 'All is right,' said I, as I shut the door, whereupon thepostillion cracked his whip, and the chaise drove out of the yard. Justas I shut the door, however, and just as Mr. Platitude had recommencedtalking in jergo, at the top of his voice, the man in black turned hisface partly towards me, and gave me a wink with his left eye.

  I did not see my friend the postillion till the next morning, when hegave me an account of the adventures he had met with on his expedition.It appeared that he had driven the man in black and the ReverendPlatitude across the country by roads and lanes which he had somedifficulty in threading. At length, when he had reached a part of thecountry where he had never been before, the man in black pointed out tohim a house near the corner of a wood, to which he informed him they werebound. The postillion said it was a strange-looking house, with a wallround it; and, upon the whole, bore something of the look of a madhouse.There was already a post-chaise at the gate, from which three individualshad alighted--one of them the postillion said was a mean-lookingscoundrel, with a regular petty-larceny expression in his countenance.He was dressed very much like the man in black, and the postillion saidthat he could almost have taken his bible oath that they were both of thesame profession. The other two he said were parsons, he could swearthat, though he had never seen them before; there could be no mistakeabout them. Church of England parsons the postillion swore they were,with their black coats, white cravats, and airs, in which clumsiness andconceit were most funnily blended--Church of England parsons of thePlatitude description, who had been in Italy, and seen the Pope, andkissed his toe, and picked up a little broken Italian, and come homegreater fools than they went forth. It appeared that they were allacquaintances of Mr. Platitude, for when the postillion had alighted andlet Mr. Platitude and his companion out of the chaise, Mr. Platitudeshook the whole three by the hand, conversed with his two brothers in alittle broken jergo, and addressed the petty-larceny looking individualby the title of Reverend Doctor. In the midst of these greetings,however, the postillion said the man in black came up to him, andproceeded to settle with him for the chaise; he had shaken hands withnobody, and had merely nodded to the others; 'and now,' said thepostillion, 'he evidently wished to get rid of me, fearing, probably,that I should see too much of the nonsense that was going on. It waswhilst settling with me that he seemed to recognise me for the firsttime, for he stared hard at me, and at last asked whether I had not beenin Italy; to which question, with a nod and a laugh, I replied that Ihad. I was then going to ask him about the health of the image of HolyMary, and to say that I hoped it had recovered from its horsewhipping;but he interrupted me, paid me the money for the fare, and gave me acrown for myself, saying he would not detain me any longer. I say,partner, I am a poor postillion, but when he gave me the crown I had agood mind to fling it in his face. I reflected, however, that it was notmere gift-money, but coin which I had earned, and hardly too, so I put itin my pocket, and I bethought me, moreover, that, knave as I knew him tobe, he had always treated me with civility; so I nodded to him, and hesaid something which, perhaps, he meant for Latin, but which sounded verymuch like "vails," and by which he doubtless alluded to the money whichhe had given me. He then went into the house with the rest, the coachdrove away which had brought the others, and I was about to get on thebox and follow; observing, however, two more chaises driving up, Ithought I would be in no hurry, so I just led my horses and chaise alittle out of the way, and pretending to be occupied about the harness, Ikept a tolerably sharp look-out at the new arrivals. Well, partner, thenext vehicle that drove up was a gentleman's carriage which I knew verywell, as well as those with it, who were a father and son, the father agood kind of old gentleman, and a justice of the peace, therefore notvery wise, as you may suppose; the son a puppy who has been abroad, wherehe contrived to forget his own language, though only nine months absent,and now rules the roast over his father and mother, whose only child heis, and by whom he is thought wondrous clever. So this foreigneeringchap brings his poor old father to this out of the way house to meetthese Platitudes and petty larceny villains, and perhaps would havebrought his mother too, only, simple thing, by good fortune she happensto be laid up with the rheumatiz. Well, the father and son, I beg pardonI mean the son and father, got down and went in, and then after theircarriage was gone, the chaise behind drove up, in which was a huge fatfellow, weighing twenty stone at least, but with something of a foreignlook, and with him--who do you think? Why, a rascally Unitarianminister--that is, a fellow who had been such a minister--but who someyears ago leaving his own people, who had bred him up and sent him totheir college at York, went over to the High Church, and is now, Isuppose, going over to some other church, for he was talking, as he gotdown, wondrous fast in Latin, or what sounded something like Latin, tothe fat fellow, who appeared to take things wonderfully easy, and merelygrunted to the dog Latin which the scoundrel had learnt at the expense ofthe poor Unitarians at York. So they went into the house, and presentlyarrived another chaise, but ere I could make any farther observations,the porter of the out-of-the-way house came up to me, asking what I wasstopping there for? bidding me go away, and not pry into other people'sbusiness. "Pretty business," said I to him, "that is bein
g transacted ina play like this," and then I was going to say something uncivil, but hewent to attend to the new comers, and I took myself away on my ownbusiness as he bade me, not however, before observing that these two lastwere a couple of blackcoats.'

  The postillion then proceeded to relate how he made the best of his wayto a small public-house, about a mile off, where he had intended to bait,and how he met on the way a landau and pair, belonging to a Scotchcoxcomb whom he had known in London, about whom he related some curiousparticulars, and then continued: 'Well, after I had passed him and histurn-out, I drove straight to the public-house, where I baited my horses,and where I found some of the chaises and drivers who had driven thefolks to the lunatic-looking mansion, and were now waiting to take themup again. Whilst my horses were eating their bait, I sat me down, as theweather was warm, at a table outside, and smoked a pipe and drank someale, in company with the coachman of the old gentleman who had gone tothe house with his son, and the coachman then told me that the house wasa Papist house, and that the present was a grand meeting of all the foolsand rascals in the country, who came to bow down to images, and toconcert schemes--pretty schemes, no doubt--for overturning the religionof the country, and that for his part he did not approve of beingconcerned with such doings, and that he was going to give his masterwarning next day. So, as we were drinking and discoursing, up drove thechariot of the Scotchman, and down got his valet and the driver, andwhilst the driver was seeing after the horses, the valet came and satdown at the table where the gentleman's coachman and I were drinking. Iknew the fellow well, a Scotchman like his master, and just of the samekidney, with white kid gloves, red hair frizzled, a patch of paint on hisface, and his hands covered with rings. This very fellow, I must tellyou, was one of those most busy in endeavouring to get me turned out ofthe servants' club in Park Lane, because I happened to serve a literaryman; so he sat down, and in a kind of affected tone cried out, "Landlord,bring me a glass of cold negus." The landlord, however, told him thatthere was no negus, but that if he pleased he could have a jug of as goodbeer as any in the country. "Confound the beer," said the valet, "do youthink I am accustomed to such vulgar beverage?" However, as he foundthere was nothing better to be had, he let the man bring him some beer,and when he had got it, soon showed that he could drink it easily enough;so, when he had drank two or three draughts, he turned his eyes in acontemptuous manner, first on the coachman and then on me; I saw thescamp recollected me, for after staring at me and at my dress for abouthalf a minute, he put on a broad grin, and flinging his head back heuttered a loud laugh. Well, I did not like this, as you may wellbelieve, and taking the pipe out of my mouth, I asked him if he meantanything personal, to which he answered that he had said nothing to me,and that he had a right to look where he pleased, and laugh when hepleased. Well, as to a certain extent he was right as to looking andlaughing, and as I have occasionally looked at a fool and laughed, thoughI was not the fool in this instance, I put my pipe into my mouth and saidno more. This quiet and well-regulated behaviour of mine, however, thefellow interpreted into fear; so, after drinking a little more, hesuddenly started up, and striding once or twice before the table, heasked me what I meant by that impertinent question of mine, saying thathe had a good mind to wring my nose for my presumption. "You have?" saidI, getting up and laying down my pipe. "Well, I'll now give you anopportunity." So I put myself in an attitude, and went up to him,saying, "I have an old score to settle with you, you scamp; you wanted toget me turned out of the club, didn't you?" And thereupon, rememberingthat he had threatened to wring my nose, I gave him a snorter upon hisown. I wish you could have seen the fellow when he felt the smart; sofar from trying to defend himself, he turned round, and with his hand tohis face, attempted to run away, but I was now in a regular passion, andfollowing him up, got before him, and was going to pummel away at himwhen he burst into tears, and begged me not to hurt him, saying that hewas sorry if he had offended me, and that, if I pleased, he would go downon his knees, or do anything else I wanted. Well, when I heard him talkin this manner, I, of course, let him be; I could hardly help laughing atthe figure he cut, his face all blubbered with tears and blood and paint;but I did not laugh at the poor creature either, but went to the tableand took up my pipe and smoked and drank as if nothing had happened; andthe fellow, after having been to the pump, came and sat down, crying andtrying to curry favour with me and the coachman; presently, however,putting on a confidential look, he began to talk of the Popish house, andof the doings there, and said he supposed as how we were of the party,and that it was all right; and then he began to talk of the Pope of Rome,and what a nice man he was, and what a fine thing it was to be of hisreligion, especially if folks went over to him; and how it advanced themin the world, and gave them consideration; and how his master, who hadbeen abroad and seen the Pope, and kissed his toe, was going over to thePopish religion, and had persuaded him to consent to do so, and toforsake his own, which I think the scoundrel called the 'Piscopal Churchof Scotland, and how many others of that Church were going over, thinkingto better their condition in life by so doing, and to be more thought on;and how many of the English Church were thinking of going over too--andthat he had no doubt that it would all end right and comfortably.' Well,as he was going on in this way, the old coachman began to spit, andgetting up, flung all the beer that was in his jug upon the ground, andgoing away, ordered another jug of beer, and sat down at another table,saying that he would not drink in such company; and I, too, got up, andflung what beer remained in my jug--there wasn't more than a drop--in thefellow's face, saying I would scorn to drink any more in such company;and then I went to my horses, put them to, paid my reckoning, and drovehome.'

  The postillion having related his story, to which I listened with all dueattention, mused for a moment, and then said: 'I dare say you rememberhow, some time since, when old Bill had been telling us how theGovernment a long time ago had done away with robbing on the highway byputting down the public-houses and places which the highwaymenfrequented, and by sending out a good mounted police to hunt them down, Isaid that it was a shame that the present Government did not employsomewhat the same means in order to stop the proceedings of Mumbo Jumboand his gang now-a-days in England. Howsomever, since I have driven afare to a Popish rendezvous, and seen something of what is going onthere, I should conceive that the Government are justified in allowingthe gang the free exercise of their calling. Anybody is welcome to stoopand pick up nothing or worse than nothing, and if Mumbo Jumbo's people,after their expeditions, return to their haunts with no better plunder inthe shape of converts than what I saw going into yonder place of call, Ishould say they are welcome to what they get; for if that's the kind ofrubbish they steal out of the Church of England, or any other Church, whoin his senses but would say a good riddance, and many thanks for yourtrouble; at any rate, that is my opinion of the matter.'