If Rock and Roll Were a Machine

by Terry Davis

  Contents

  Epigraph

  Acknowledgments

  1. Albert Bowden Gives His Word

  2. Parting Ways

  3. Bert Gives His Word Again

  4. Too Chickenshit to Live

  5. Everything Changes

  6. Bert Keeps His Word

  7. Scott Shepard Meets Bert’s Father and Resolves to Return a Kindness

  8. Bert Keeps His Word Again

  9. Reflection

  10. Bowdenland

  11. Young Mr. Bowden

  12. Gramp and Gram

  13. Lucky Bert Bowden

  14. “Though Much Is Taken, Much Abides”

  15. Peckered

  16. The Most Important Thing to Do with Bert Bowden

  17. Term of Endearment

  18. Camille Shepard Embraces His Father

  19. He Hath Borne Me on His Back a Thousand Times

  20. Not a Harley Guy

  21. The Second Best Thing

  22. Bert Joins the Club

  23. Bert Bashes His Head

  24. It Ain’t Magic

  25. Waiver of Responsibility

  26. Letting It Go

  27. Phantom Pleasure, Phantom Pain

  28. A Norton Guy

  29. Bert Bowden Calling

  30. Young Mr. Bowden Strikes Back

  31. If Rock and Roll Were a Machine

  About Terry Davis

  To all the teachers and coaches who were kind to me

  . . . I say live it out like a god

  Sure of immortal life, though you are in doubt,

  Is the way to live it.

  If that doesn’t make God proud of you

  Then God is nothing but gravitation,

  Or sleep is the golden goal.

  —“David Matlock”

  from Edgar Lee Master’s,

  Spoon River Anthology

  “. . . Though much is taken, much abides . . .

  Some work of noble note may yet be done.”

  —Alfred, Lord Tennyson,

  Ulysses, 1842

  Acknowledgments

  I’m not exaggerating when I say the following teachers and coaches and the one neighborhood dad helped save my life. There’s nothing in the world that lifts a kid’s spirit like a smile on the face of an adult when he or she sees you coming. If these good people are happy to see you, you can’t be as worthless as you feel.

  My children and I owe the following people a debt of the heart. I was just another young human being to them, but to me they are the exceptions that shaped the man I try every day to become.

  Everywhere Spirit, Bless these souls and the ones I’ve forgotten.

  Mrs. Bockmeyer

  Don Cobb

  Pat Coontz

  Gary Davis

  Maxine Dicus

  Joe Heslin

  Dick Hoover

  John Irving

  Gene Kelly

  Barry Livengood

  Pat McManus

  Barney Overlie

  Cecil Robinette

  Nick Scarpelli

  Ted Solotaroff

  Bill Via

  Bill Waddington

  Chapter 1

  Albert Bowden Gives His Word

  Bert Bowden is having trouble with the essay. Class is already half over and he’s gone through three introductory paragraphs on three different subjects. The topic Tanneran assigned was “The Worst Thing That Ever Happened to Me,” and Bert said under his breath, “Oh, boy. Have I got material for this.” But that is turning out to be the problem: Bert can’t choose from among all the shitty things that have happened to him in his sixteen, almost seventeen, years. And now he can’t concentrate because his mind is full of the awareness that he’s living through another one of those things right now.

  It’s the first day of Bert’s junior year, he’s got the guy everybody says is the best English teacher in school, English is the only class he likes, and now he’s going to flunk the first in-class essay because he can’t focus.

  Bert dug into the assignment right away. His grandfather was placed in a rest home last spring, and the old man is always on his mind. Before he finished the introduction, though, Bert realized this wasn’t the worst thing that ever happened to him. It hadn’t happened to him. Bert wasn’t the one who suffered the embarrassment of having to be cleaned up like a baby. Bert wasn’t the one “living,” as his parents referred to his grandfather’s condition, in the “home,” as they called the place. This is not the worst thing that ever happened to you, Bert thought. This is the worst thing that ever happened to Gramp. And he flipped the sheet in his ring binder and started again.

  When sincerity didn’t work, Bert turned to sarcasm. He assumed the voice of an indignant teenager, which he is to a degree, and began describing the 1969 Harley-Davidson Sportster that sits in the window of Shepard’s Classic and Custom Cycles. His parents won’t let him buy it, even though he has the money in the bank. “Motorcycles are too dangerous” is what his father says, and “That money is for college” is his mother’s response. Bert doesn’t have the grades to get into any college worth going to. So since he can’t get into a decent college and faces a bleak future, anyway, he might as well have fun and die young on a beautiful old Harley. But Bert is tired of being sarcastic. He got by on sarcasm and humor in his essays last year, and he doesn’t want to be funny now. He wants to be serious. Don’t be a wiseass, Bert told himself. Don’t resort to that cheap crap anymore. And he flipped the sheet.

  Bert thought and thought: What was the worst thing that ever happened to him?

  Tanneran looked like he’d been an athlete when he was younger. Maybe he’d be impressed by Bert’s bad luck in sports last year. So Bert began writing about getting mononucleosis and missing varsity baseball tryouts. He entitled it “Mononuked.” But he scratched it out. It was just more of that cute shit he always resorted to. Besides, there wasn’t a chance in the world he’d have made varsity his sophomore year. And this made him think that maybe the worst thing that ever happened to him was going to a high school with twenty-four hundred students where it was incredibly tough to make the teams, and how if he lived in a smaller town he’d not only make all the teams but probably be a star.

  But then he realized this was just more shit. I have to be who I am, he thought, but I don’t have to lie to myself or other people to make me feel better about it. So he flipped the sheet.

  And now he looks up at the clock and sees that junior English is over for today. He sees that Tanneran is looking too. The man turns to face the class. “Time’s up,” he says. “That’s all, folks. Make sure your names are on ’em.”

  The bell rings, kids rise, voices rise, the youth of America stride forward into the circular flow of another school year.

  But Bert Bowden remains seated, writing his name slowly. He will submit this blank sheet. He will add a paper to the pile like everyone else.

  Tanneran is sitting on his desk, the pile of papers in his hand, as Bert slides his on top. “I wrote three different introductory paragraphs, but nothing worked,” Bert says. “I want to do the assignment. Can I bring it in tomorrow, Mr. Tanneran?”

  Tanneran looks back down at the paper. “Albert Bowden,” he says.

  “Actually, I go by Bert,” Bert says. “I just thought I’d present myself formally since myself was all I had to present.”

  Tanneran smiles. “Not a bad move in desperation.” He stands and walks toward the door. Bert follows.

  “Tell you what, Bert,” Tanneran says in the doorway. “You give me your word you’ll submit an essay tomorrow at the start of class?”

  “I give you my word,” Bert replies.

  Chapter 2 />
  Parting Ways

  It’s only the first week of school, but it’s the third week of football practice. Two-a-days are over, the timed miles are over. The coaches are pretty sure by now who the real players are, but there’s still the final cut to be made. They don’t spend a lot of time conditioning. They warm up, drill, and scrimmage.

  Warm-ups are over now and the team has broken down by position. Linemen work at one end of the field, backs and ends at the other. Bert is one of four quarterbacks throwing passes to a line of receivers. He crouches with the ball in his hands over the imaginary center, listens as backfield coach Joe Heslin says “Post” in a conversational tone, scans the imaginary defense, does not look at the receiver, calls out in his most commanding voice “Hut! Hut! Hut!,” and on that third sound turns and drops back deep into the imaginary pocket where he sets up and throws to Camille Shepard, who has head-faked the imaginary defender and cut toward the goalpost. The ball floats out fat and sweet, revolving slowly enough for Shepard to count the laces. It’s a little short, though. But Shepard reaches back with his left hand and pulls it in.

  Bert doesn’t look too bad. Until you see the other quarterbacks, that is.

  Sean Christman, a junior who played a little on the varsity team last year, is next to take the ball from Coach Heslin. Christman is six feet two inches tall, five inches taller than Bert, and weighs two hundred pounds to Bert’s one-sixty. Christman calls out the count in a voice like the drill sergeant from Full Metal Jacket, drops back and bullets the ball to a sophomore running a hook. The kid turns and the ball is there. It hits him in the numbers before he can get his hands up. The kid rubs his chest as he trots back to the receiver line. Bad move, Bert thinks. Dropping the ball is no big deal, but rubbing the hurt is a bad, bad move.

  Compared to Sean Christman, Bert sounds and looks like a little boy. But Christman is only the number two quarterback.

  As Bert watches Mike Jackson, Thompson’s first-team QB for the past two years, step up to throw, he wonders if Christman ever wishes he went to another school. He must. He’d be first-team at any other school in the city. But his dad is Thompson’s head football coach and they live in the Thompson district. It wouldn’t look good for the coach’s son to transfer out of district so he could be starting quarterback at another school.

  Bert thinks how lame it is for him to wish he went to a smaller school so he could make first team in everything and have a chance to stand out, when a really excellent athlete like Christman is stuck behind a great athlete like Jackson.

  Bert thinks about Camille Shepard. He’s heard that Shepard came to the States from France to spend the year with his father, the owner of Shepard’s Classic and Custom. He pronounces his name “Cam-ee,” but a lot of the guys and all the coaches except Heslin still call him “Cam-eel,” which is how Coach Christman pronounced it when he read it off the list on the first day of practice. His black hair comes down past his shoulders, and he rides a Harley. He’s bigger than Sean Christman and he’s not effeminate, so calling him a girl’s name rings particularly stupid to Bert.

  Camille’s dad, who also rides a Harley, had been watching the practices until one day another biker, an outlaw-looking guy on a louder bike, showed up with him. Coach Christman turned to look when he heard the roar. Practice stopped as he watched the two men pull into the parking lot, shut off their bikes, and amble toward the field. He met them at the edge of the running track, spoke something Bert couldn’t hear, and pointed back toward the bikes.

  The outlaw, who was the same height as both Shepards but slimmer and whose arm muscles reminded Bert of those rawhide knots people buy for their dogs to chew on, got right in Christman’s face. Everybody sprinted in around them.

  Coach Heslin told Bert to run across the street to any house and call 911.

  A patrol car came howling through the parking lot as Bert was running back across the street. There was no fight, and Bert wouldn’t have wanted to see one. But he was disappointed to have missed the heated conversation.

  Camille tried to go with them when the cops walked his dad and the outlaw to their car, but his dad wouldn’t let him.

  Nobody could believe it when they saw the cops search the outlaw biker and find a gun in a shoulder holster. They put him and Shepard into the back of the car, then one of them read their IDs into the radio.

  Coach Christman yelled for everybody to get back to work, but no one, including the other coaches, was in a hurry to do it.

  When the one cop put the mike down, both he and his partner climbed out of the car and opened the back doors for Shepard and the outlaw. They returned the gun, then the four men shook hands all around.

  Bert caught the expression of disgust on Christman’s face before he blew his whistle and turned away. Even wearing his helmet and with all the noises of practice Bert heard the rumble of the outlaw’s Harley a long way into the distance.

  Bert wonders what it was like for Camille Shepard to grow up thousands of miles from his father. He also wonders if life had given him the choice, whether he would have traded growing up with his parents in a normal home—if you can call growing up without any brothers and sisters normal—for the body and athletic ability of a guy like Camille. If life would have thrown in the Harley, Bert would have traded.

  Thinking about a guy of another nationality makes Bert think about the subject of race, and Bert is wondering if Christman resents being second-team to a black kid more than he would to a white kid, when he becomes aware of silence. Bert’s vision registers movement and the color brown right before he takes a whack in his face mask. The ball bounces at his feet, and he moves as fast as he can to pick it up.

  Heslin’s voice is the first sound Bert realizes he has heard for a while. He looks at the big gray-haired man, the oldest of the coaches. “Feel all right, Bowden?” Heslin asks. “Looked like you lost consciousness there.”

  “I’m okay,” Bert says.

  Heslin waves his hand toward the imaginary line of scrimmage. “Then let’s get back to work,” he says.

  Bert’s mind is full of white noise—like a stereo speaker turned up full blast when the station has gone off the air—as he bends his knees and holds his hands out as though to receive the snap. He doesn’t hear what pattern Heslin has called, but he begins the count, anyway. “Hut! Hut! Hut!”

  Kelly McDougall, last year’s starting wide receiver, digs hard across the middle as Bert drops back. McDougall is about ten yards out when he holds up his hands. Bert lets it go. But just as the ball spirals off the tips of Bert’s fingers, McDougall plants his foot and cuts for the corner of the end zone.

  Bert watches the ball bounce a yard or two beyond where McDougall made his cut. McDougall is also watching the ball. Everybody is watching the ball bounce across the empty grass. Bert feels the weight of every eye shifting to him as he hustles out to get it.

  Bert stands outside himself through the rest of the drill. He watches himself drop back, throw, move off to the side, throw again when his turn comes around. He sees with absolute clarity the difference between him and the other guys. They are at ease and he isn’t. The ease—and the confidence—is in their voices, the way they take the three quick steps and plant their back foot as though there weren’t a chance in the world they could stumble over their own feet, the way they throw the ball rather than aiming it as Bert does, even in the way they walk off to the side and talk with one another as though all this were fun.

  * * *

  Bert watches the scrimmage from the sidelines with the other guys who aren’t among the first eleven on offense or defense. Before long the coaches begin substituting. To Bert’s surprise, Kevin Robideaux, the fourth quarterback, goes in. They put him in before Christman, Bert thinks. They know how good Christman is, so they don’t need to see him. They want to see Robideaux and me so they know who to cut. But Robideaux is a sophomore. If they’ve kept him on varsity through two cuts, they won’t cut him now. They’ll want to keep a sophomore so the
y’ll have a guy with two years’ experience by the time he’s a senior. They’ll cut me.

  Bert has told himself he knows he won’t make the team, but a part of him hasn’t accepted it. A big portion of his memory and something in his body too remembers how he’d not only made every team when he was younger but been among the best players. These parts of Bert have whispered that he really is good and that the coaches will see it. But now all the various components of Bert Bowden have given in to the knowledge that he and football are parting ways for good.

  Chapter 3

  Bert Gives His Word Again

  A quarter-mile east of the Y where Highway 2 forks off Division Street is Shepard’s Classic and Custom Cycles. The old blue Sportster is still sitting in the window. A horn blares behind him as Bert spins the steering wheel and bounces his VW Bug over the curb.

  Bert has only looked through the windows before, but this evening he pushes through the door and walks among the bikes.

  The first three are Harleys. They look new, but as Bert reads the tags hanging from the handlebars he sees that one is a ’55, one a ’57, and one a ’62.

  Behind the Harleys sit two Nortons and two Triumphs, and in the row behind sit three BSAs. Bert has never heard of a Norton before, but he remembers seeing a BSA on a John Cougar Mellencamp CD cover. These bikes have such a simple look that they don’t even seem like the same kind of vehicle as the racer-style Japanese bikes a lot of guys at school have.

  The Harleys look tough in a squatty, old-timey way, and the Nortons, Triumphs, and BSAs are sleek and bright like exotic fish. All the bikes are so clean, they look like they were just made. But they were made a long time ago. The newest is the ’79 Triumph, and the oldest is the ’55 Harley.

  Bert doesn’t know much about motorcycles, and he knows even less about music, but he believes that if rock and roll were a machine, it would be a motorcycle. These old bikes, especially the Harleys, make songs by Bob Seger and Bruce Springsteen roar in his head.