Turtle Recall: The Discworld Companion ... So Far

by Terry Pratchett

  MacFeegle, Awf’ly Wee Billy Bigchin. He is very young, and the current gonnagle (bard, and battle poet) in Tiffany’s Feegle clan. He is half the size of most grown pictsies (under 3") and always announces himself in full when speaking to new people. He seems to feel that if he doesn’t tell people who he is, they’ll forget about him and he’ll disappear. When you’re half the size of most grown pictsies you’re really short; much shorter and you’d be a hole in the ground.

  He is the new gonnagle (as I just said!). A gonnagle is the clan’s bard and battle poet, but they don’t spend all their lives in the same clan. In fact, they’re a sort of clan all by themselves. Gonnagles move around among the other clans, making sure the songs and stories get spread around all the Feegles. Awf’ly Wee Billy had come with Jeannie from the Long Lake clan, which often happens. He is very young for a gonnagle, but there’s no age limit to gonnagling. If the talent is in you, you gonnagle. And Awf’ly Wee Billy knows all the songs and can play the mousepipes so sadly that outside it will start to rain. [HFOS]

  Mad. Dwarf encountered by Rincewind in The Last Continent. His family blew into Xxxx from Nothingfjord when he was a kid, and now his Dad has a chain of bakeries in BUGARUP. Although Mad is bullet-headed, like most dwarfs, he doesn’t wear a beard or a helmet – though he does have a chin you could break coconuts on. He is very heavily weaponed and, in his leather suit with metal rivets all over it, he travels around Xxxx in an armoured cart. [TLC]

  Magazines. If you’re reading this book in order, you’ll already know that the Disc has a wide variety of book titles. Magazines are a newer phenomenon, but already they include:

  Acuphile Digest [GP]

  Ankh-Morpork Inquirer, the [TT]

  Ankh-Morpork Times, the [TT]

  Back Alley Pins [GP]

  Battle Call [FOC]

  Beaks & Talons [LL]

  Beginning Pins [GP]

  Bows & Ammo [LL, J]

  Bu-Bubble [UA]

  Extreme Pins [GP]

  Fang and Fire [SN]

  Fretwork Today [UA]

  Girls, Giggles and Garters! [T!]

  Golem Spotter Weekly [UA]

  Ladies’ Own Magazine, the [MM]

  Modern Pins [GP]

  New Pins [GP]

  Pin Times [GP]

  Pins & Pinneries [GP]

  Pins Extra [GP]

  Pins International [GP]

  Pins Monthly [GP]

  Pins World [GP]

  Popular Armour [LL]

  Popular Needles [GP]

  Practical Pins [GP]

  Practical Siege Weapons [J]

  Pseudopolis Herald [GP]

  Satblatt (dwarf newspaper) [UA]

  St Plains Dealer [GP]

  Stanley Howler’s Stamp Monthly [UA]

  Stifte! [GP]

  Talking Pins [GP]

  Tanty Bugle [MM]

  Total Pins [GP]

  Unadorned Facts [FOC]

  Warrior of Fortune [J]

  What Gallows? [GP]

  What Novelty? [MM]

  World of Pins [GP]

  World Pin [GP]

  Apart from the first two listed, all the above are crudely printed woodblock broadsheets produced in Ankh-Morpork, all at the same address. Nothing is known about the company concerned, but there is a distinct possibility that the name C.M.O.T. DIBBLER is not far away.

  Magenta. One of DIAMANDA’S coven in LANCRE. [LL]

  Mage Wars. Took place shortly after the Creation. In those days magic in its raw state was widely available, and was eagerly grasped by the first men in their battle against the GODS.

  The precise origins of the Mage Wars, as this period was known, are lost in the fogs of time, but Disc philosophers agree that the first men took one look at their situation and understandably lost their temper. And great and pyrotechnic were the battles that followed – the sun wheeled across the sky, the seas boiled, weird storms ravaged the land, small white pigeons mysteriously appeared in people’s clothing and the very stability of the Disc was threatened. This resulted in stern action by the OLD HIGH ONES, to whom even the gods themselves are answerable. The gods were banished to high and deserted places, men were recreated a good deal smaller and much of the old, wild magic was sucked out of the earth.

  In those places on the Disc that had suffered a direct hit by a spell the magic faded away very slowly over the millennia, releasing as it decayed a myriad sub-astral particles that severely distracted the reality around it. [COM]

  Magic [including wizards and witches].

  INTRINSIC MAGIC

  This is the magic that derives from the very nature of the Discworld universe, and has a certain similarity to some of the matters discussed in quantum physics (physicists who seriously postulate extra dimensions that are curled up on themselves and are too small to see would be right at home in Unseen University). It is the intrinsic magic of Discworld which, for example, is responsible for the slowing down of light but at the same time makes it possible to see light coming. Intrinsic magic is the equivalent of God, thinking.

  RESIDUAL MAGIC

  A powerful force, which needs some background explanation.

  Most magic as used by wizards and witches is a simple channelling of the intrinsic magic of the world. It can be stored – in accumulators such as staffs, carpets, spells and broomsticks – and can be thought of as a slowly renewing resource, like geothermal energy. It is subject to certain laws similar to those of the conservation of energy. A wizard can, for example, cause fires and apparitions and coloured lights quite easily, because these require very little energy. In the same way, a person may quite easily be turned into a frog by causing their brain to reprogram their own morphogenetic field. The effect is temporary but embarrassing.

  But a wizard can rise vertically in the air only by locating a large solid object of similar weight in a high place that can be dislodged without much force, so that the descent of the object largely propels the rise of the wizard.

  No common magic is powerful enough to cause, for example, a pork pie to come into complete, permanent existence. This would require quite a large amount of new energy to be created within the universe – as much energy, in fact, as would be necessary to create a one-hundredth of a pig, one-ten-thousandth of a baker, one hundred-thousandth of a cleaver, several pounds of flour, salt and pepper to taste, and a couple of hours of baking.

  All this can, however, be easily achieved by a sourcerer, who can channel raw creative force and may be thought of as the human equivalent of a white hole. A sourcerer in fact pretty much conforms to the classic picture of a wizard – he can create and destroy by a mere thought.

  Fortunately sourcerers are now very rare on Discworld and only one is known to have arisen during the entire period of the chronicles [S]. But they were far more common in much earlier times. And, since power corrupts, and sourcerers were as naturally sociable as cats in a sinking sack, they engaged in vast magical wars which left whole areas (for example, the FOREST OF SKUND and the WYRMBERG so lousy with magic that the Discworld’s fairly lax laws of cause and effect no longer apply even today. Many of the Disc’s stranger species, and some of its most potent magical artefacts, probably derive from that period. While such residual magic can be discovered and exploited, in the same way as other worlds exploit the deposits of coal and oil which are similarly stored forms of the energy of earlier periods, the results are likely to be unpredictable, i.e., predictably fatal.

  INDUCED MAGIC

  An often neglected but very powerful form, and available for use even by non-practitioners. It is the magic potential created in an object, or even a living creature, by usage and belief.

  Take, in its simplest form, royalty. It needs but a royal marriage to turn a perfectly ordinary girl that no one would look at twice into a Radiant Right Royal Princess and fashion icon. Similarly, the ARCHCHANCELLOR’S HAT actually became quite magical in itself simply from having been worn on the heads of generations of Archchancellors and thus
being only inches away from brains buzzing with magic.

  The armour of the warrior Queen YNCI of Lancre had clearly absorbed enough potency to stiffen the resolve of Magrat GARLICK when she wore it (the fact that the armour was a complete fake is quite beside the point – it is association and belief that are important). Mirror magic, as exemplified by the practices of Lily WEATHERWAX, also comes into this category. Witches believe that if they stand between two mirrors their personal power is multiplied by their reflections. This is clearly a primitive folk superstition, which by sheer luck happens to be true.

  Possibly the most interesting example was the sword of carrot Ironfoundersson of the Ankh-Morpork City WATCH. It was not a magic sword. It had no mystic runes. It quite failed to light up in the presence of enemies or anything else. But it had clearly been used by the royal heirs of the city’s throne for generations and had become magical in a very subtle way – it had become more and more sword-like, until it was both a thing and the symbol of a thing.

  WIZARD MAGIC (AND WIZARDS)

  Largely, these days, the province of graduates of Unseen University, Ankh-Morpork. There are eight orders of wizardry and eight grades associated with UU. In practical terms the affairs of academic wizardry as a whole are run by the ARCHCHANCELLOR and faculty.

  There are many other schools of wizardry on the Disc, some considered arcane even by wizard standards, and there is nothing to stop anyone calling themselves a wizard of the ninth grade except the fact that if they meet a real wizard they’re likely to end up sitting sadly by the pond waiting for a short-sighted princess with a thing about the colour green.

  Grades of up to twenty-one have been reported, but this is considered to be just foreigners being excitable, and they impress the Unseen wizards as much as the porcupine-sized epaulettes on the shoulders of a shifty-eyed banana republic generalissimo impress a battle-hardened soldier.

  Wizard magic generally consists of illusion, a little weather-making, fireballs and the occasional darning of the Fabric of Reality. Fundamental to its use is the wizard’s staff, usually about six feet long with the proverbial knob on the end. Daily rituals with the staff accumulate magical power which can be discharged very quickly at need, or stored in spell books and triggered by the syllables of the spell. People often make jokes about the knob on the end and wizards never understand why. It is a truism that the more senior the wizard, the less likely he is to do any showy or practical magic. Senior wizards’ time in the University is taken up with sleeping, eating at least four large meals a day, University administration and generally, well, just existing and being a wizard just as hard as they can. Since UU and its LIBRARY probably hold enough accumulated magic to end the universe, it is just as well that it is sat on by large, contented and stable personalities (with the exception of the Bursar, who is as mad as a spoon, and the Dean, and the Senior Wrangler, and the Chair of Recent Runes).

  A sourcerer is the eighth son of an eighth son, and his father must be a wizard. Unlike wizardry which, shorn of the coloured lights and fireballs, largely consists of persuading the universe to do it your way, sourcery is the immensely powerful magic of the storybook wizard – he can stop the sun, make the sea boil and all the other things such wizards feel they have to do. He is a channel through which magic flows into the universe, and the human equivalent of a white hole. Much that is strange on the Discworld (see Residual magic) is the result of wars fought between sourcerers long before the present age; they are absolutely incapable of united effort.

  It was fears of the occurrence of sourcerers that led to the practice of, and then the insistence on, celibacy among UU wizards, although most of them are quite old and find even celibacy is a bit too exciting. Celibacy has no physical effect on magic ability. Gravity doesn’t care if you’re good or bad and, likewise, celibacy per se has no relevance to the magical act, otherwise Nanny OGG would be a washerwoman.

  A sourcerer can only be beaten by another sourcerer. This belief held sway for hundreds of years and it was only when the first sourcerer for millennia appeared on the Disc (in Sourcery) that it was realised that this only applied where direct magical contest is involved. A half-brick wielded in a sock is otherwise perfect for the job. (See also RINCEWIND.)

  WITCH MAGIC (AND WITCHES)

  Unlike wizards, witches are solitary creatures. They stand on the edge, where the decisions have to be made. They make them, so others didn’t have to, so that others can even pretend to themselves that there were no decisions to be made. They enrol in no schools and have no formal system of regulation.

  The informal coven of Granny Weatherwax, Nanny OGG and Magrat GARLICK in LANCRE was extremely unusual – witches generally get together only rarely, on sites such as Lancre’s Bear Mountain, to exchange gossip and discuss the affairs of the region, and once a year – in the Ramtops at least – for the Witch Trials.

  Wherever they met there was, contrary to salacious popular belief, absolutely no question of them doing anything without their clothes on, with the possible exception of Nanny Ogg. Most serious witches are elderly and keep several layers of flannelette between themselves and the outside world at all times, except Nanny Ogg. Witches have in fact a very strict and ancient moral code, although Nanny Ogg’s is rather more ancient than the others’.

  Witches are trained by other witches, one to one, with one of the trainees taking over the area when her teacher either dies or quits the world in some other definite way. This means that over time an area may see a succession of witches of a roughly similar strain. The basic unit of witchcraft is the cottage, which may be inhabited by witches for several centuries. Magrat’s cottage (now occupied by new informal coven-member, Agnes NITT) is traditionally the home of research witches. Another significant difference between wizards and witches lies in the attitude to books. Most witches can read and write but place no particular value on books; wizards without a library would just be fat men in pointy hats.

  The three main Lancre witches at the time of Wyrd Sisters, Lords and Ladies and Witches Abroad exemplified aspects of Discworld witchcraft. Granny Weatherwax’s personal power is built on a considerable practical knowledge of psychology (‘headology’), an iron will, an unshakeable conviction that she is right and some genuine psychic powers, which she distrusts. She is respected, but not liked. She would prefer to look like a crone, because ugliness engenders fear in the beholder and someone who is frightened of you is already in your power (Granny Weatherwax has never claimed to be nice). Unfortunately, she has a clear skin and excellent teeth, which despite her deliberate consumption of sugar show no signs of falling out. She is a traditionalist; she believes that progress is an excuse for making bad things happen faster.

  Nanny Ogg is amiable and broad-minded to the point where she could pull it out of her ears and knot it under her Makepeace, Colonel. Charles Augustus chin. Of the three, she seldom does any magic in the normally accepted sense – her role is more one of a highly informal social worker and jobbing wise woman.

  Magrat Garlick has a soul of hopeless niceness and welcomes new ideas. Occult candles, cards, mystic philosophies from distant regions – she approached all these things with an open mind which, unfortunately, then filled up. She does, however, have a natural talent for herbal remedies and, like many small harmless animals, a vicious streak when cornered.

  All three of course fulfil (or, in Magrat’s case, used to fulfil) the usual daily functions expected of a rural witch: midwifery, the laying out of the dead (and sitting up with them at night, possibly playing cards with the more unusual cases) and folk medicine. Their approach to this last again used to represent three aspects of witchcraft:

  Magrat: would give patients a specific remedy which careful observation over the years had suggested is most efficacious for that complaint;

  Nanny Ogg: will give patients a stiff drink and tell them to stay in bed if they want to;

  Granny Weatherwax: will give them the first bottle of coloured water that comes to hand and te
ll them it can’t possibly fail. Her success rate is notable.

  Their magical philosophies could be summed up as variations on the traditional sour mantra, Do What Thou Will:

  Magrat: If it harms no one, and doesn’t make, you know, too much noise or unnecessary stickiness or a mess or anything, do what you will, if you really want to. Um.

  Granny Weatherwax: Don’t do what you will, do what I tells you.

  Nanny Ogg: A little bit of what you fancy does you good.

  Witches are nominally matrilinear, but in areas around the RAMTOPS, where people are fairly rare and therefore recognised and understood as individuals in their isolated communities, even this system is a bit haphazard and has more to do with an individual’s perceived standing than any hard and fast rule. It is certainly the case that all the children of Nanny Ogg and her various husbands are Oggs. Strictly speaking, the children of her sons should not be Oggs but should take their mother’s surname. However, this would mean that a daughter-in-law would have to explain this to Nanny Ogg, a woman who once coined the phrase: ‘Over your dead body.’

  There is no Discworld concept of white/black magic. There is simply magic, in whatever form, which may be used in whatever way the user decides. Suggesting that there is any type of magic that is intrinsically good or bad would make as much sense to a Discworld wizard as suggesting that there is good and bad gravity. (Of course, from a subjective point of view there are such things as good and bad gravity; the gravity which causes an aircraft to crash is obviously different from the gravity which stops everything flying off into space.) (See also RESEARCH WITCHCRAFT.)