Turtle Recall: The Discworld Companion ... So Far

by Terry Pratchett

Umbrellas, walking sticks, maps, etc.

  Must be protected by two stout strips of wood, each strip being as long as and slightly wider than the article protected. Maps should be in a rigid tube with an internal stout rod to prevent bending in transit.

  METHOD OF ADDRESS

  Post Towns

  It is essential that the Post Town must appear in the address.

  To Avoid Delay

  Members of the public might co-operate with the Post Office to reduce delays by:

  1. Displaying their own correct postal address on their notepaper.

  2. Addressing the letters and so on, with the full address given by the person to whom they are writing, including the post town.

  3. Putting the postage stamp in the top right hand corner of the envelope or package;

  4. Keeping matter which has nothing to do with the address, such as reference numbers or warnings such as ‘Fragile’, well away from the address, on the left hand side of the envelope;

  5. Using house numbers, rather than house names, unless the property is only known by its name (e.g., ‘Guild of Assassins’)

  6. Writing the address legibly, in the lower, right-hand, part of the envelope or package.

  Examples:

  Provincial Address:

  Not acceptable:

  ‘Igor

  ÜBERWALD’

  Acceptable:

  ‘Igor

  Servant’s Entrance

  Schloss Lamblet

  Forest Road

  Duschen-Duschen

  ÜBERWALD’

  Ankh-Morpork Address:

  Not acceptable:

  ‘Robert Smythe

  Ankh’

  Acceptable:

  ‘Mr Robert Smythe

  32, Mousey Lane

  Ankh-Morpork’

  MAKE-UP

  An insured letter must be enclosed in a strong cover made up of one piece, which must be securely fastened by means of identical seals in fine wax, with spaces in between and affixed in sufficient number to hold down all the folds of the envelope.

  POST RESTANTE

  Post of any kind to be called for may, as a rule, be addressed to any main Post Office. This is intended solely for the use of travellers and the service may not be used in any one town for a period longer than three months.

  ADDRESSES AND PETITIONS TO THE PATRICIAN

  Addresses and petitions forwarded to Lord Vetinari as Patrician of Ankh-Morpork are exempt from postage. This exemption applies only to an original petition or address and not to any copy thereof.

  CHANGE

  Post Masters are not bound to give change when receiving a payment, nor are they authorised to demand it when making a payment. When money is paid at a post office, whether as change or otherwise, no question as to its right amount, goodness, or weight can be entertained after it has been removed from the counter.

  CLACKS MESSAGES

  Addresses

  Words in the address of a clacks, other than the name of the office of destination, are counted at the rate of 15 letters to a word. Subject to this limit: (1) personal names may be combined by the sender to form single expressions, for example – Da-Quirm; and (2) the names of streets, squares, boulevards and other public thoroughfares may also be combined to form single expressions and are counted as single words if written without a break. E.g, FurtiveforthSt.

  Plain Language

  Plain language is that which presents an intelligible meaning, each word and each expression having the meaning normally assigned to it in the language to which it belongs.

  Counting

  Each plain language word up to 15 letters ranks as one chargeable word, any letters in excess of 15 being charged at the rate of 15 letters to the word. Exceptionally, the following are counted at 15 letters to the word if written without a break:

  Ordinary compound words;

  Names of towns, provinces, countries and so on;

  Family names and names of ships;

  Names of streets, squares and so on, including the word street, square and so on.

  Spelling

  Words incorrectly spelled so as to bring the number of letters within the maximum, or incorrectly joined together contrary to the use of language are not permitted in plain language clacks messages.

  SECRET LANGUAGE

  Use of secret language is not permitted, except by organisations licensed by the Patrician. Examples of secret language would be:

  Artificial words composed exclusively of letters. Such words must not exceed five letters in length;

  Real words not used with the meaning usually assigned to them;

  Figures or groups of figures having a secret meaning.

  Counting

  Artificial words are counted at the rate of five letters to a word.

  POSTMAN’S EXAMINATION

  Every Postman has to take an examination to ensure that they are competent to deliver His Majesty’s Mail (still the term used by law). Here are some example questions:

  Part A – Address Checking.

  The full exam has ninety-five questions, which must be answered in six minutes.

  Each question consists of two addresses. If the two addresses are alike in EVERY way, mark A on your answer sheet. If the two addresses are different in ANY way, mark B on your answer sheet.

  1. 1212 Ettercap St

  1312 Ettercap St

  2. Flt 9, 21 Hutchinson Ave

  Flt 9, 21 Hutchison Ave

  3. 21 Scoone Avenue, AM

  Schloss Drache, Bad Nuss, Überwald

  4. 3 High Street, Quirm

  3 High St, Quirm

  5. Phil McKettlup, the Mews, Plotz

  Phil MacKettlup, the Moos, Plotz

  ESTABLISHMENT OF POST OFFICES

  Post Offices are established by the Post Master General at such places as he may deem expedient. He may also discontinue any post offices where the safety and security of the postal service and revenues are endangered from any cause whatsoever.

  POSTMASTERS

  A Post Master shall reside within the delivery limits of his own post office. Post Masters at Main Post Offices shall be appointed by the Patrician; all other Post Masters shall be appointed by the Post Master General.

  Commissions

  A commission shall be issued to every person appointed Post Master upon the filing and acceptance of his bond and oath of office. The amount of the bond will be established by the Patrician of Ankh-Morpork on each occasion that a Post Master is appointed.

  OATH OF OFFICE

  ‘I (name of appointee), having been appointed (designate office of appointment), do solemnly swear that I will support and defend the Rules and Regulations of the Ankh-Morpork Post Office against all enemies, foreign and domestic; that I take this obligation freely, without any mental reservation or purpose or evasion; and that I will well and faithfully discharge the duties of this office on which I am about to enter.

  I do solemnly swear that I will faithfully perform all the duties required of me and abstain from everything forbidden by the laws in relation to the establishment of post offices and post roads and that I will honestly and truly account for and pay over any money belonging to the city state of Ankh-Morpork as may come into my possession or control; and I also swear that I have not paid or offered or promised to pay any money or any other thing of value to any person, firm or corporation for the use of influence to procure my appointment. So help me (deity of choice).’

  DUTIES

  Post Masters are responsible for proper organisation of their offices, for proper and efficient conduct of the employees and for courteous and efficient postal service to their patrons.

  The attitude of Post Masters to the public should be helpful and enquiries regarding postal matters given prompt attention.

  Post Masters will be held personally responsible for unnecessary expenditures, whether they are for excess auxiliary staff or extravagance in the use of supplies or equipment.

  OTHER BUSINESS OF PO
ST MASTERS

  Post Masters should not engage in any business or activity which in any way interferes with the proper discharge of their duties nor which involves canvassing, soliciting, or threatening their patrons.

  Sub Post Masters may conduct other, approved business in the same room in which the post office is located; but such business must be approved in advance and must be kept distinct and separate from that of the post office.

  MISUSE OF OFFICIAL SIGNATURE

  Post Masters shall not use their official signatures for advertising purposes, nor give any endorsement to a private enterprise or business institution.

  ABSENCE FROM OFFICE

  Post Masters shall not absent themselves from their offices without written authority in advance from the inspector of the division in which the post office is located. In an emergency, a Post Master may absent himself for not longer than two days without first securing such written authority. Such emergencies might include, for example, and not exclusively, death (of self, of an immediate blood relative or of a favourite dog. Deaths of cats do not count for this purpose).

  DEATH OF POST MASTER

  When a Post Master dies, a report thereof should be made by clacks by the Assistant Post Master or senior employee of that office to the Patrician.

  ACTING AND ASSISTANT POST MASTERS

  The Authorised Assistant Post Master shall in all cases manage the business of the post office in the absence of the Post Master.

  When there is no Authorised Assistant Post Master then, upon the death, dismissal or resignation of the Post Master, an Acting Post Master will be designated.

  CARE AND CONDUCT OF POST OFFICES

  Post Offices shall not be allowed to become resorts for loungers or disorderly persons, or the scene of disputes or controversies. If necessary, the Post Master should call upon the City Watch (or its equivalent if the post office is not in Ankh-Morpork) to preserve order and, if they refuse or are unable to do so, the office may be closed – even if it is proper opening hours.

  Post offices shall at all times be kept in a clean and orderly condition. No post office shall be located in a room where intoxicating liquor is stored, sold or consumed.

  Unauthorised persons shall not be allowed access to the workroom floor (the Sorting Room) of any post office. Employees of the post office, while off duty, are unauthorised persons within the meaning of this requirement and they shall not be allowed to loiter in post offices after their tour of duty has ended, or before the start of their tour of duty.

  DISPLAY OF ADVERTISEMENTS IN POST OFFICES

  Advertisements, circulars, placards, handbills, cards, or notices relating to any private business, and pictures, cartoons, or other documents of a political character, or concerning any election whatsoever, shall not be placed upon the walls, floors, ceilings, surfaces or elsewhere, for public exhibition, within post offices or the lobbies thereof.

  For the convenience of the public, Post Masters may allow bulletin boards to be placed in the post office where approved notices may be displayed. These might include, for example, notices of:

  Public assemblies (excepting those of a political nature);

  Judicial sales;

  Amateur dramatic performances (excluding mime or political shows);

  Lost animals.

  The bulletin boards in post office work rooms shall be used only for the display of official notices and no notices relating to employees’ activities shall be posted thereon.

  Post Masters may permit bulletin boards to be placed in employees’ locker rooms and kitchen areas, on which may be placed notices unobjectionable to the Post Master relating to the activities of employees’ clubs and societies. Such notices shall not include anything of a political or socially inflammatory nature. Pictures of scantily-clad life-forms (other than those normally unclothed in normal life) or, in the case of trolls, clad forms, shall not be permitted.

  OFFICIAL COMMUNICATIONS

  All enquiries from the Post Master General shall be answered promptly. Official clacks messages shall be as brief as possible and they shall be sent only in case of great emergency when the matter in hand cannot be handled by letter in sufficient time.

  A Post Master shall be addressed simply as, for example, ‘Post Master, Sto Lat’. Post Masters shall sign with their surnames, followed by the words ‘Post Master’. Department officials shall not be addressed by name, but simply by their titles, for example: ‘Chief Post Office Inspector, Post Office, Ankh-Morpork’.

  REPORT OF VIOLATION OF POSTAL LAWS

  Post Masters and all others in the postal service shall report immediately to the proper inspector in charge any violation of the postal laws. If the Post Master has reason to believe that a postal law violator can be arrested by speedy action, he shall at once report all the facts and evidence to the City Watch (or other similar responsible local officer of the law).

  REPORTS OF ROBBERIES AND CATASTROPHES

  When a post office, branch or clacks tower is broken into by burglars (or other non specific criminals), damaged by fire, cyclone, flood, or otherwise; or when a loss of official funds or property occurs, by theft or otherwise; or whenever a Post Master or other person employed in or connected with a post office has been assaulted or robbed, while on duty or in possession of mail, official money or property, the Post Master shall make an immediate report to the Post Master General. Such report shall show the nature of the occurrence, the approximate value of any loss and what action, if any, has been taken to rectify the situation.

  The Post Master shall be held responsible for the loss of any funds or property if he fails to exercise due care in the protection thereof.

  Potent Voyager. Vessel constructed by DACTYLOS to take two chelonauts out over the Rim to determine the sex of the Great A’TUIN. A huge bronze space ship, without any motive power other than the ability to drop. [COM]

  Pounder, Mr. Ratcatcher at the OPERA House. An elderly man who’d worked with rats so long there was something rat-like about him. His face, for example, seemed merely a rearward extension of his nose. This, combined with his bristly moustache and prominent front teeth, made people find themselves looking for his tail. His trade mark was a battered top hat, the brim of which was thick with wax and old candle ends, which he used to light his way through the darker cellars of the Opera House. He was a Member of the Inner Circle of the Guild of Ratcatchers, having won the Golden Mallet for most rats caught five years in a row. ‘Was’ is the operative word. Someone else presumably has it now. [M!!!!!]

  Preston. A guard at the Baron’s Castle He is an intelligent Lance-Private, who is also a skilled amateur surgeon with animals. He becomes close with Tiffany Aching. [ISWM]

  Prime. A modern, logical and efficient measure of magical strength propounded by the wizard Augustus Prime to replace the traditional thaum. The Prime was to be based on a very careful observation of the amount of magic it took to move one pound of lead one foot, and it was to be broken down into milli-, nano- and micro-Primes.

  The system never really caught on, however, with old wizards traditionally saying to a student using the ‘Prime’ system – ‘But what’s that in old money?’

  The Prime/Thaum business is very similar to Centigrade/Fahrenheit.

  Everyone knows that freezing at 0 degrees and boiling at 100 degrees is logical, but it doesn’t stop them believing in their hearts that 70 degrees should be a nice comfortable temperature.

  Printing. Until quite recently, movable type had not yet been utilised in Ankh-Morpork and, surprisingly enough, the printing industry was basic in the extreme. Books were either copied by hand in the numerous copying shops around Gleam Street or, increasingly, engraved and printed one whole page at a time by the engravers in the alleys around the Street of Cunning Artificers.

  The reason for this was the tremendous power Unseen University wields over the whole business, as the biggest customer for copying services in the city. It was this demand for cheap copies which led the wizards t
o change their views on movable type during the events of The Truth.

  The wizards used to say that books weren’t there to be read by just anyone. A large print run would seriously dilute the power of the words. And, they added, it was one thing for a magical book to be copied by the human hand in controlled circumstances, and quite another for it to be ‘printed’ by type that might then be broken up and used to print a book about household management, or squirrels. The metal might remember . . .

  All this became rather academic when movable type entered Ankh-Morpork quite suddenly with the arrival of its first two newspapers, The Ankh-Morpork Times (editor: William DE WORDE) and The Ankh-Morpork Inquirer (editor: Ronald CARNEY). Who knows where it will lead? (See also ENGRAVERS’ GUILD.)

  Procrastinators. Huge spinning columnar devices for the movement and storage of time, found at Oi Dong, the monastery of the MONKS OF HISTORY, and also in their secret temples elsewhere (it is known that one is installed in the privy at the temple in Ankh-Morpork, turning waste disposal into history’s problem). Small portable ones have been developed for field operations.

  Proust, Mrs. The proprietor of the Boffo Joke Emporium in Ankh-Morpork, which she runs with her son, Derek, her husband having died some twenty-five years ago. She looks like the evil witch of fairy tales – her face is a curse, her voice the sound of the oven door slamming on children. She has a wart-encrusted nose, claw-like hands, blackened teeth and a fearsome hooked nose. She uses her own face as the mould for the masks she sells in the shop. She wears big black boots and a battered hat. [ISWM]

  Ptaclusp. An architect and jobbing pyramid builder in DJELIBEYBI. Owner of Ptaclusp Associates, Necropolitan Builders to the Dynasties. He has twin sons – Ptaclusp IIa (interested in accounts/finance) and Ptaclusp IIb (an inveterate architect and designer). [P]

  Pthagonal. Ephebian philosopher, specialising in geometry. A glum-looking heavy drinker, because of his discovery of the irrational value of pi. [P]