The Case of the Exploding Brains

by Rachel Hamilton

  Mum looks up as we enter the living room and blinks in confusion when she spots PC Eric.

  “Hello, Mrs Hawkins,” he says softly, holding out his hand.

  She uses it to lever herself off the sofa. “Cup of tea?”

  Holly and I stop mid-stride. I try to remember the last time Mum got up to greet a visitor. It was months ago – before Ms Grimm zapped her with the negative brain ray and transformed her into a sofa-sloth. The doctors say the stupidifying effects should have worn off by now, but Mum still prefers to view life from the couch. She doesn’t even get up for her old friend the milkman any more, because ‘Dad wouldn’t like it’. Although she’s happy enough for us to let the milkman in when a light bulb needs changing or something needs fixing.

  But Mum is on her feet now, trudging through to the kitchen. She returns with a chipped mug, which she hands to PC Eric before sinking back on to the sofa with a sigh.

  I set up the security footage while PC Eric sips at his tea unenthusiastically. After a minute, he reaches into his cup and pulls out two teabags, a pencil sharpener and a cocktail umbrella.

  “Sorry,” Holly mutters, “Mum’s not fully recovered from the negative brain ray.”

  “No problem.” PC Eric twiddles his cocktail umbrella. “The tea was a nice thought and the pencil sharpenings added an interesting texture. It’s good to see your mum again. She was on my mind while I was listening to Joe Slater earlier. What do you think of his behaviour recently?”

  This is why I love PC Eric. He makes connections.

  “You think Joe’s being brainwashed like Mum was?” I’m tempted to tell him I might have the proof in my pocket, but I want to hear whose voice is on the iPod before I share it. “Let’s watch the film footage again. It might give us a clue.”

  PC Eric puts the film on. I lean closer to the TV at the part where Smokin’ Joe pulls the hairspray out of his backpack. I have that same feeling there’s something’s missing from the shot, but I still can’t figure out what it is. It’s like a grey blanket has been thrown over my memory.

  I ask PC Eric to run the footage in slow motion. I can’t suppress a smug smile when it reveals I was right when I said Joe couldn’t have taken the Space Rock.

  CLUE 20

  Despite breaking the glass, Smokin’ Joe was ten metres away from the display case when the Space Rock disappeared.

  “See?” I challenge Holly.

  “Didn’t doubt you for a minute,” she replies. “But look at Smokin’ Joe! What’s wrong with him?”

  On-Screen Joe is acting weirdly, even by his own standards. Something is bothering him and he keeps lifting his hand to his earphones.

  I need to listen to that iPod.

  I pat my pocket to make sure the iPod is still inside and announce, “I’m just nipping to the loo.”

  I perch on the toilet seat and press ‘play’.

  “You will tell everyone you are responsible for the theft.”

  I know that voice.

  CLUE 21

  Remarkable Student Alexander’s voice is on Smokin’ Joe’s iPod.

  The rush of relief is stronger than I expected. It’s not Dad! I can give the iPod to PC Eric now. Well, maybe not right now. Maybe I could listen to the rest of it first? The brain ray can’t be on ‘zap’ mode because my head feels fine. I turn Remarkable Student Alexander back on:

  “‘I did it’. That’s all you have to say. ‘I did it! I can’t remember what happened, but I know I did it.’ Say it after me: ‘I did it! I did it!’ That’s all you have to do to receive fifty pounds and a date with Holly Hawkins . . .”

  I splutter. Smokin’ Joe’s prize is a date with my sister? “Holly! Come here! You have to hear this.”

  “I don’t want to hear anything you’re doing in the toilet, thank you very much.”

  “Urgh. No. I meant you should hear this iPod.” I race back to the living room. “You too, PC Eric.”

  PC Eric looks up. “First I have a couple of questions about one of the young men in your group – Alexander West.”

  I hold out the iPod. “Then you definitely want to listen to this.”

  “That’s Smokin’ Joe’s iPod!” Holly hisses. She subtly waggles her head towards PC Eric before adding, “I’m sure you haven’t been listening to it, because that would be illegal or something.”

  PC Eric puts up a hand to stop me replying. “Perhaps you found it on the ground and, not being sure who it belonged to, you listened to it briefly before handing it to a passing policeman?”

  I nod, embracing my inner big fat liar, and hand the machine to PC Eric. “Remarkable Student Alexander is responsible for the Space Rock’s disappearance. This proves it.”

  PC Eric strokes his chin. “I had my suspicions after reading your witness statement, but the CCTV footage, fuzzy as it is, suggests he’s innocent.”

  “Put the film footage on again,” I say. “Maybe I’ll spot something.”

  But PC Eric’s right. Even though the images are blurred after Smokin’ Joe’s hairspray attack, it’s clear Remarkable Student Alexander is too far away to have taken the Space Rock. However, when we freeze the frame, he seems to be deliberately blocking the camera. When he moves, the Rock is gone.

  “He’s involved,” I insist. “I know he is.”

  PC Eric shrugs. “Perhaps. But we have no real evidence to prove it.”

  “Yes we do.” I plug Smokin’ Joe’s iPod into the speaker. Holly and PC Eric listen quietly until we get to the bit about Smokin’ Joe’s reward.

  “A date with me?” Holly retches. “Over my dead body!”

  PC Eric keeps replaying the iPod message. Holly gags each time it reaches the end, which gets annoying pretty quickly.

  After the fifth re-play, PC Eric says, “Notice anything about the boy’s voice?”

  I ignore Holly’s fake-puking and focus on Alexander’s words. “He’s reading!” I realise. “Is that what you mean?”

  CLUE 22

  Remarkable Student Alexander is reading from a script.

  PC Eric beams. “Clever girl!”

  “And you think he wasn’t the one who wrote the words?”

  PC Eric gives me a proud nod. “Even cleverer girl!”

  So who did write them?

  “Are there lots of people who might want to steal a Space Rock?” I ask, keen to clear Dad’s name for this crime – in my own head at least.

  “I suppose so. Moon Rocks are worth a lot of money. But they’re hard to sell. And now we know the dangers I don’t understand why anyone would still want to keep this one.” PC Eric gives me a policeman look – jaw set, chin high, no blinking. “Do you have a reason for asking?”

  “No. Just curious.”

  I love PC Eric but there are some suspicions I want to keep to myself for now.

  13

  Schnookums

  “What about the dodgy camera?” Holly asks PC Eric. “We heard a security camera blacked out in ‘Investigating Alien Worlds’. Do you have any footage of what was happening before it went blank?”

  “Only on the computer we set up back at the station for the officer from the London Metropolitan Police. I can’t get you access to that.”

  “Don’t worry, PC Eric.” Holly jumps to her feet. “I have a plan.”

  PC Eric didn’t look worried before. But he does now. Especially when Holly grabs him and bundles him into a taxi, ordering the cabbie to take us to “Butt’s Hill Police Station, please.”

  “Are you expecting me to give you a guided tour?” he asks as we clamber out of the taxi and enter the police station

  “Won’t be necessary.” Holly pushes past PC Eric and launches herself at the desk sergeant. “I need to see my darling boyfriend,” she announces. “And I need to see him now!”

  My mouth drops open. What darling boyfriend?

  “My little Joey was dragged to this police station against his wishes,” Holly stamps her foot. “That’s kidnapping. I want to make a complaint against that nasty pol
ice officer from London.”

  The desk sergeant gives an involuntary nod at ‘nasty police officer’, leading me to conclude Aggressive Policeman is not popular here either. No wonder, if he treats everyone the way he treats PC Eric.

  A plan begins to form.

  “Shh, Holly,” I stage-whisper, loud enough for the desk sergeant to hear. “We annoyed the London policeman so much we’ll never be allowed near him again. They won’t want us to upset him.”

  The desk sergeant strokes his chin.

  PC Eric’s lips twitch. “You have a point there, NOELLE HAWKINS.” He booms my name in what I assume is an unflattering attempt to remind the desk sergeant of my reputation as annoyer-of-policemen. “I don’t suppose I’ll be able to give you that station tour after all.”

  The desk sergeant bites his lip. “Well, Eric, if you promised the girls—”

  We charge into the main police station before he has a chance to finish his sentence.

  “Oi! Police people! Where’s my boyfriend?” Holly tosses her hair like the girl in the museum gift shop and skips through the cubicles calling, “Joey? Schnookums? Where are you?”

  PC Eric subtly nudges us forward and to the right, until we reach the desk where Aggressive Policeman and Smokin’ Joe are sitting, scowling at each other. Behind them is a computer screen showing footage of the Science Museum.

  Holly launches herself at Smokin’ Joe and wraps her arms around his neck.

  “Ooof,” Smokin’ Joe splutters and then breaks into a grin that makes his head look like an over-carved Halloween pumpkin.

  Holly narrows her eyes at me over Smokin’ Joe’s shoulder.

  “What?” Oh, yes, I’m supposed to be finding the security footage from before the camera cut out. But how? Aggressive Policeman is right next to the computer. I may be good with technology, but I’m not invisible. I try to signal to Holly, but she’s too busy smacking Smokin’ Joe’s hands to notice.

  “Ahem!” I cough. “Maybe you want to take all the love stuff outside!”

  Holly gets the message and rises to her feet, pulling Smokin’ Joe by the hand. He follows willingly.

  “Hey!” Aggressive Policeman strides after them. “No one said you could leave.”

  “You can’t keep my little Joey here without his mummy.” Holly snuggles up to all ten tonnes of ‘little Joey’ with only a tiny shudder. “I think I saw Ma Slater outside, with her frying pan. We should send someone to fetch her for you.”

  Aggressive Policeman makes a choking noise in his throat. “Do not let that woman in,” he orders the local police. “Block the entrance. And someone sit that boy back down.”

  No one moves to help. Aggressive Policeman lunges for Smokin’ Joe, grabbing him by the waist. Joe, in turn, clutches at Holly, creating a weird sort of Holly/Joe/Aggressive Policeman conga.

  Perfect. The computer is now Aggressive Policeman free. Even better, everyone is watching the strange little dance snaking through the station. Best of all, the computer’s still logged on. It doesn’t take long to locate the footage and load it on to my USB drive.

  Pocketing the drive, I wave across at Holly, who looks ready to throw up. I’m not surprised, with Smokin’ Joe kissing her ear. Urgh. Unpeeling him, she wriggles free and we race towards reception.

  “Wait,” Smokin’ Joe calls after Holly. “Where you going?”

  “Sorry, Schnookums,” Holly calls back. “It’s been fabulous, but I think we should take a break.”

  “Take a break?” Smokin’ Joe lumbers after her. “You have to start something before you can take a break from it! Come back ’ere.”

  “Over my dead body,” Holly mutters and we sprint for the door.

  I look at Joe and feel a twinge of sympathy. Everyone’s been using him recently and it doesn’t seem fair. I shrug apologetically. He makes kissy faces in response. My sympathetic feelings wear off pretty quickly.

  “Enjoying your tour so far?” PC Eric appears behind us, blocking Smokin’ Joe’s approach and giving Aggressive Policeman a chance to catch him.

  “Great,” I stop to tell him. “I managed to . . .”

  PC Eric covers his ears. “I don’t think I want to hear what you managed to do. Just keep moving. Your sister seems keen to leave and I can’t say I blame her.”

  Smokin’ Joe waggles his tongue at Holly. Ugh. Double Ugh. He only stops when Aggressive Policeman slaps a hand on his collar.

  “Gotcha, scumbag.”

  “Come on, girls,” PC Eric says. “I’ll take you home.”

  14

  No Nee Nah

  “Can we put the siren on?”

  “No.”

  “Oh go on, PC Eric. Just for a minute? Pleeeeease?”

  “Can I save time by explaining that ‘no’ means ‘no’. ‘No’ does not mean ‘if you beg and whine and whinge and wail I’ll make it a yes’.”

  “But—”

  “But nothing.” PC Eric checks his mirror and indicates left. “One more word about sirens and you can get out and walk – making all the siren noises you like.”

  “No siren,” Holly murmurs sorrowfully.

  “No siren,” PC Eric agrees. His words are hard but his eyes are smiling, so I risk another question.

  “What will happen to Smokin’ Joe now?”

  “I’ve entered his iPod into evidence,” PC Eric replies, changing gear to turn the corner. “So, I imagine they’ll speak to Alexander West and decide how to proceed after that.”

  “Remarkable Student Alexander is a snake,” I say. “You should have seen what he was like in the museum. The police believed everything he said.”

  “We need to get to him first,” Holly says.

  “I didn’t hear that.” PC Eric puts his foot on the brake as we reach our road.

  “We need to scare him into telling us the truth.”

  “Definitely didn’t hear that.”

  “Dad’s chainsaw’s still in the garage,” Holly adds.

  “I’ve suddenly gone completely deaf.” PC Eric pulls into the kerb. “Just don’t do anything stupid. You won’t be able to solve anything if you’re hauled down to the station.”

  “We need a way to intimidate Alexander without getting ourselves into trouble,” Holly tells me as we clamber out of the patrol car.

  “We need Porter.” I miss our third head.

  “No we don’t.” Holly almost sounds like she means it. “You’re the one with the Sherlock brain. Use it.”

  I try to think, but a loud, rhythmic smashing sound on the other side of the street keeps breaking my concentration. “Tim Berners Lee! What is that noise?”

  “It’s Ma Slater.” Holly giggles. “She’s frying-panning the big tree in her yard.”

  “If the tree falls, it’ll crush her house. That woman’s as mad as an armadillo,” I say. “She scares me.”

  “She scares everyone.” Holly says. “Oooh . . .”

  A metaphorical light bulb appears in the air between us. As one, we march across the road. PC Eric rolls down the car window and calls after us. “Remember. Nothing stupid?”

  Okay, this plan definitely comes under ‘stupid’, but it has to be worth a try. We reach the Slaters’ front yard and I look across at Holly. She looks back at me. Ma Slater spots us while we’re trying to glare each other into speaking first.

  “Want some of this?” She waves the frying pan at us.

  “Er, no thank you. We just wanted to let you know how Joe’s doing.”

  “You seen my boy?” She rests the frying pan against the tree.

  I nod, keeping my eyes on the pan. “We know who’s been making him do all these crazy things – a boy called Alexander West.”

  “West?” she screeches. “I know his mother – stuck-up old bat. Thinks her toilets smell of roses. Wait till I tell her what I think of that son of hers.” She seizes the pan and storms down the road, taking a few practice swings at lampposts.

  Holly and I jog along behind her.

  “We’ve created
a monster,” I murmur.

  “Nah. She was already a monster,” Holly says. “We’ve just given the monster a mission!”

  Ma Slater stops abruptly outside a smart semi-detached house with perfectly pruned trees and a pathway lined with potted plants. Or, at least, it was lined with potted plants. Now Mad Ma Slater is taking her frying pan to them. After annihilating the pot plants, she starts smashing through the white PVC front door.

  15

  Ma Slater Smash

  The door is dead. I look at Holly in alarm, but she just shrugs and follows Ma Slater into the house. A woman in a checked apron steps out of the kitchen to protest. I stare at her in astonishment; she looks like an illustration of a mother in an old fairy tale with her rosy cheeks and perfectly groomed hair.

  “Hello,” I mumble, rooted to the spot. “We’ve just popped round to see Alexander.”

  Holly is already halfway up the stairs and reaches through the bannisters to give me a shake. “Being polite is a good thing, Know-All, but Ma Slater has already smashed their pot plants to smithereens, battered down their front door and knocked chunks out of their staircase. The politest thing we can do at this point is make sure she doesn’t kill anybody. So GET UP HERE, NOW!”

  I rub my eyes and follow orders. Nothing seems real. It’s the combination of the Wests’ perfectly ordered house and the insane hurricane of Ma Slater’s fury. She’s found a set of china figurines on the landing and is leaning over the top bannister, crushing them, one by one, in her giant fists. She’s too deep in the crazy zone to hear the voices at the other end of the landing but Holly and I creep closer to the conversation.

  “No one told us the Space Rock could hurt people.” Remarkable Student Shazia’s voice wavers. “I read in the paper that the NASA scientists who were exposed to the American rock tried to eat each other before their brains exploded.”

  Holly shoots me a questioning look. We’ve been competing to find the craziest newspaper story about the effects of the Space Rock. Sounds like we’ve found a winner. I’m pretty sure most of the stories are made up, but they say there’s no smoke without fire. And if exploding brains are the smoke then I’m not keen to feel the fire.