by Blythe Stone
“Fuck,” I muttered, trying to get that vision to stop just springing forth inside my brain. I massaged my temple with my fingers and stared ahead at the many possible books.
This store had a new section and a used section. We'd probably end up searching in both.
“There might be some in the LGBTQ section but some stores put them in with everything else. Just look for the name Nadia Petrova,” Avery instructed.
“Ah, so you're pretending to be Russian,” I smiled.
We walked toward the N’s, circling ‘round to the other side of the long Romance row. Avery was ahead of me, a little unaware of me for once and I do have to say I kind of enjoyed this version of her. When I got close to her I pinched her side, trying to calm down a little and let my compulsions be what they may. When it came to affection, what had I to lose in being myself with her? She already expected me to be cold so being the opposite was probably a good thing, right?
She laughed and put her hand where mine had been.
“I am, on my mom's side. Petrova was her maiden name,” she looked back at me. “Also, something that only Nat knows.”
“Well, not anymore,” I said, standing close and seeing her many books. “Wow,” I breathed. “Where um... Where should I start?”
I stood beside her and tried not to feel the dull growing undercurrent of attraction that had been building in me since the very first night that we met. If I had a hundred dollars for every time my mind flashed back to that balcony or that beach, I’d be doubly rich.
I hugged my stomach with my arm and tried not to lean too far into the comforting feelings that were filling me, despite everything.
I knew nothing could come of this incoming crush. I was doomed to solitude and loneliness. Only destined to fall for the few people I couldn’t actually have.
Avery stepped closer to me and bumped my shoulder, not pulling back afterward.
“Do you want something with a little plot or something that's just sex?” She asked.
“Um. All of it, honestly.” I knew I was probably flustered; red cheeks. I looked to the books so she wouldn't see my eyes. How do you answer that? “What, um. Whatever you think I might like.”
Finding out her books contained sex was already a treat I shouldn't allow myself to indulge in. I'd have to hide while reading them or Natalie would make fun of me.
“How about these two?” Avery said, picking up two books and handing them to me.
One was a western and had two women with old 1900’s dresses on the front. There was a man on a horse in the background looking menacing. It was practically reminiscent of pulp, she had me pegged.
The other was contemporary and set in an office situation from the looks of the woman on the cover.
“Oh, and here,” Avery said, reaching for another title of her own. “This one is about a girl that meets a famous actress back in the 50’s and falls madly in love. The actress is loosely based on Nat if she were a classic movie bombshell,” Avery explained.
“Oh, fuck,” I said, feeling the books in my hands and staring down on them.
I wanted to buy them all but I didn't want Avery to think I was some obsessive weirdo, even if that was definitely true. If there was one thing I did love, it was a research project.
“That one is my favorite. It was the most fun to write,” Avery said, leaning in close and whispering. “It's totally our sex life.” She laughed and leaned back again.
Inside me, I felt this fire. A huff of air escaped me and I was relieved to hear it at least sounded like a choked laugh. Nothing more.
I'd spent all this time avoiding Nat’s social media accounts to try and keep away from anything specifically like this but now that it was next to me as well as sitting in my hands, a complete open book, I was certainly screwed. How could I not have a reaction to this?
There wasn't a comment I could make in response to what Avery had said. She’d handed me an open guide to all the things she'd been doing with the love of my life. A cheat-sheet that would no doubt be dramatic and filled with heated sex scenes and an air of reality only I could understand.
“Right,” I said trying to keep myself tightly wound. “Um. We should, um. Get some iced coffee or something.” I swallowed and looked for something to keep me from spilling messy joy all over myself in this anticipation.
There was a sign for a cafe that was just up a wooden staircase.
The books in my hand excited me and called to me like a siren but I had to be normal and wait. In a few hours we would be in the hotel and I could read. Avery couldn't know how much her comment had tempted me.
“Sure. I want to see what pastries they have anyway,” Avery said, leading the way to the cafe.
I followed her steadily, taking the space where Nat usually stayed. Several people were taking up tables but there were free ones and we could sit by the rail and look out the large windows at the dreary weather outside.
“I probably shouldn't be here,” I said, scared of not being known.
“Why do you say that?” Avery asked.
“I don't belong anywhere, it's part of my problem. Also why I came,” I explained, getting sad. I think she thought I'd come to try and steal Natalie away but that wasn't it. I hated this lost feeling, this sick feeling of not being loved and not being known.
We stood in a line and I couldn't even bring myself to read the bold menu plastered in chalked out letters plain as day for even a kindergartener to make sense of and decipher.
My vision wouldn't take it. My brain was still stuck on all the little things in life that had led me to this day.
“I'm um... Really excited to read these,” I said, actually looking over at her and allowing myself to stare.
The sadness in me was puddling. I just wanted to be alone right now in my hotel room but Avery was way too sweet to want to make me feel welcome. Being away from her would probably insult her in some way.
It was odd how Natalie had become almost secondary to all of this. I'd come up here for her but she was busy, like I feared she would be, and now I was making little messes of this.
“I don’t think that’s true. You could belong in a lot of places. You can hang out with us as long as you want. We’re going to be here for a month.”
“We’ll see,” I said, not willing to go much further with that. “I just don’t want to mess anything up.”
She really didn’t understand what I meant when I said I didn’t belong. It wasn’t that I couldn’t exist in places, it was that my existence didn’t feel right or like it actually mattered.
I’d had this problem since I was a very small child. The older I got the bigger that wound inside of me became. And that thing Avery had said before in the trailer about me willing that into existence, that really hurt. Why would I want that? I never wanted to feel the way I’ve always felt in this world.
I couldn’t expect her to understand and, in a way, I was glad she didn’t have to know that feeling like me.
11
(Avery)
We went up to the counter and I looked over the choices. I knew my answer hadn’t satisfied her. It was one of those internal things that other people couldn’t get. I was an other people.
“I’ll take an iced Americano and whatever she wants,” I said to the barista, stepping to the side so Olivia could order.
“A large iced coffee with cream and almond syrup,” Olivia said.
“Oh, and these,” I said, reaching for the books to put them onto the counter.
“Oh no, you have to let me,” Olivia said, reaching to get a card from her pocket. She pulled it out and set it down on the counter.
Arguing with her would have just made it weird so I let her pay for the books and the coffee. I moved along to the pick-up area and stood there to wait for my drink.
“Thanks,” I said.
“You are very welcome,” Olivia said, looking around.
“Do you want to go back or sit down and hang out,” I said.
“Oh, either,” Olivia said. “Whatever would make you more comfortable. I can talk and read and be anywhere.”
“I’m good with either. I’ve learned how to do and be anywhere as well. I bet I could find something to read while you start on your reading assignment,” I teased.
“Aw, that’d be really cute. We can be reading buddies,” Olivia said.
“For sure,” I smiled. “I could use one of those. I read a lot when Nat’s busy. That is, if I’m not writing. I haven’t felt like that lately. I’ll go find something. There are a few things on my list I’ve been meaning to pick up.”
“Oh okay,” Olivia said. “I’ll just wait and find us a table.”
“I’ll be right back,” I said.
I wasn’t sure what to make of her reaction to learning what kind of books I wrote. Either she was excited or she was trying not to be weird about it. The genre wasn’t exactly the classics. I went straight to the novels section and picked a few things and went back to the cafe.
Olivia already had a book open and she seemed glued to it, her straw between her teeth while she hunched over the table, nearly hugging her drink, and ignoring everything else.
She was attractive. It was undeniable. Nat always had good taste. It was hard to interrupt her but maybe she wouldn’t notice when I sat down. Of course, her gaze shot right up to survey me as soon as I had that thought.
“Your coffee is better than mine. I tried it,” she laughed.
“You can have it. I’ll take yours,” I said, sitting and opening one of the books I’d brought.
“No way, why should you be penalized for my stupid decision?”
She sipped her drink and stared over at me, noticing my book.
I felt her tugging it toward herself by the corner to try and slyly check the cover.
“Oooo, that one’s really good,” Olivia laughed. “I just finished that actually.”
She leaned back in her chair and took her own book up again, leaving me to it.
“Awesome, I’ve been wanting to read it but I always try to finish one book before starting another. I think I’m just going to give up on the one I was reading,” I explained.
“Well, I loved it,” Olivia said. “You can always go back to the other book if you change your mind. I devoured that book. Couldn't put it down.”
“I don't think I'll be going back,” I said.
I opened the book and reached over to take her drink, stealing a sip. It was good so I switched our drinks and sat back in the chair to read.
I tuned into her for a few moments to make sure she didn't fuss at me about switching the drinks and then I relaxed. She apparently didn't notice or wasn't going to say anything. She'd already taken a drink so I figured I could chill.
She was engrossed in the 50’s Hollywood romance so I figured I'd watch her a little. She didn't hide her reactions at all. It was an unguarded portrait of a woman who was enraptured by words.
The crazy thing was that I wrote them. She was quite beautiful like this. It was impossible not to want to watch for hours but I made myself look away and start reading.
Only, I couldn't focus because I kept wondering what she was thinking and how she remembered her time with Nat. How different had it been from my time with Nat?
I couldn't ask that. It wasn't something to be qualified or broken down. It was the stuff of feelings. The kind of thing you just had to experience.
I made myself look at the book and start to read. The novelty of the situation stole my attention but I finally managed to focus enough to get through five chapters before my stomach growled. I was really into the book at this point so it startled me as much as it woke me up to the hunger. I hadn’t gotten anything to eat like I intended. My whole routine was thrown off by having company.
“Um, I think I need to get something to eat soon,” I said.
“Oh, wow,” Olivia sighed, after putting my book down and checking the time on her phone. “You’re right. What time did you say Nat was going to be done?”
“I’m not sure now. They may have changed the shooting schedule. I can text her,” I said.
I took out my phone and typed out a text, hoping that she would be in between takes. She didn’t answer right away so I set my phone on the table and looked over at Olivia.
“What do you like to eat?” I asked.
“Oh, everything,” Olivia laughed. “I like Thai food,” she shrugged. “But anything fresh and healthy. We can go walk around, see if there’s something around? I admit, I was too nervous to eat earlier. I tried but,” she shrugged. “This is really good by the way,” she put her finger down ontop of the book, a bit overwhelmed.
Then she stood and started to straighten herself, find a trash bin for her cup and get her bag together so that we could both go.
I flushed red and cleared my throat. “Thanks,” I mumbled.
I finished off the coffee and got up to throw my cup away so I didn’t have to face her. I chucked the cup and turned around to find her watching me.
“It looked like there were a few restaurants at the other end of the shopping center. We can walk that way if you want,” I suggested.
“Sounds good,” she nodded, a bit flustered. The reading had definitely affected her and she hugged her arm around her body as she walked with her other arm carrying her bag. “Um. How’s Circe,” she asked, making small-talk.
“Good so far, I like the relationship with her brother and it’s definitely got my attention. That’s always a big plus. I know I’ll finish it,” I said.
“Oh, I’m sure you will,” Olivia smiled over at me. She sniffed the air and looked away. I couldn’t tell if maybe she thought she was staring.
I went up to the counter and bought the book so I didn’t accidentally steal it and then I led the way to the door. We went outside and walked along the sidewalk, passing other stores and a computer repair shop.
I could see down the way that there was an artisanal deli.
“What do you think? Should we try the sandwiches?” I asked.
“Yeah, that sounds great,” Olivia said, staring off at the many large windows.
We passed the smoothie place and went into the sandwich shop. It wasn’t packed but there were a few people scattered at tables. The whole place was decorated in green and red with big murals of vegetables along the walls.
There was a big soda fountain beside the counter. Two people behind it waiting to take our order and make it. It was a bit like every other sandwich place. There was a selection of veggies, meats, and cheeses on display, a rack stuffed with bags of chips against the wall next to the check out and a big industrial toaster oven behind the workers.
I looked up at the handwritten menu. It was chalk on a blackboard and whoever had written it had immaculate handwriting.
“Um, I’ll take a large Italian veggie with Havarti cheese and a drink,” I said.
It didn’t take me long to find what I wanted among the special sandwiches.
Olivia ordered the special of the day which involved: smoke salmon, cream cheese, mixed greens, and wasabi.
“Adventurous,” I teased, moving down the counter to pay.
“Sounds delicious,” she said, moving closer to me.
“Mm, I’ll have to try it next time if it’s good,” I commented.
I watched the guy behind the counter make my sandwich and then Olivia’s before his counterpart came down and rang up our order. I handed over my card and signed the receipt she gave me.
She handed over two cups. With a smile, I gave Olivia one.
“You can pick where we sit and I’ll bring the food.”
“Okay,” she said, looking from me to the windows near the corner where one table must’ve stood out to her between the many taken ones. Pretty soon she was walking toward it. I stared off at her until I noticed she had settled.
Once alone, she took her phone out and began to stare at it.
The guy slid a tray with our order on it and I blinked, turning to giv
e him a smile and then picking it up and going to the fountain to fill my cup up with iced green tea before joining her. I sat the tray down and pulled the chair opposite her out to sit down.
My phone went off and I reached in my pocket to see that Nat had replied.
“Apparently, they won’t be done for another hour but she said to just come back and pick her up later.”
“Sounds good,” Olivia nodded. She began to inspect her food and eat it carefully.
I grabbed one half of my sandwich and bit into it, loving the freshness and crunch of the veggies.
