And Loving It! gs-6

by William Johnston

“If I find it, I’ll toss it down after you,” Lucky Bucky promised.

  “I suppose that will have to do,” Max said. He turned to 99. “I’m sorry it has to end this way, 99. If we had completed this mission alive, there was something I was going to ask you.”

  “Yes, Max. . what?” 99 said tearfully.

  “Well, I was hoping you’d help me get that peanut brittle crunch back into that capsule. If I lose it, it’ll come out of my pay, you know.”

  “Enough of this sentimental chit-chat!” Lucky Bucky shouted. “Jump!”

  99 sniffled. “May I hold your hand, Max?”

  “Of course, 99. I won’t need it where I’m going.”

  “Juuuuuuump already!” Lucky Bucky screamed.

  Hand in hand, Max and 99 leaped into the bottomless pit.

  “Are you afraid, Max?” 99 whimpered as they hurtled downward through the pitch darkness.

  “Afraid, no, 99. But I’m a little worried.”

  “About what, Max?”

  “Well, if this is really a bottomless pit, we’re going to be falling for an awful long time. Forever, would be my guess.”

  “That is something to worry about,” 99 agreed.

  “That isn’t what’s worrying me.”

  “What, then, Max?”

  “How is the bookkeeping department at Control going to look at it? Are we going to be paid double for overtime? Or are they going to take it out of our vacation?”

  “Max, you know the bookkeeping department!”

  “I guess you’re right. Well, let’s try to enjoy ourselves, in that case, 99, We’re on vacation.”

  9

  Max and 99 suddenly hit water. Water was all around them. Instinctively, they held their breaths and thrashed their way to the surface. All at once they were able to breathe again, although they were still in the water.

  “99,” Max said, “are you by any chance pretending that we’re vacationing at Miami Beach?”

  “Not me, Max.”

  “Then we must have found the bottom of the bottomless pit. And apparently it’s filled with water.”

  “Does that suggest Miami Beach to you, Max?”

  “No, 99, I was- Nevermind. Can you see anything?”

  “Not a thing, Max.”

  “I seem to be moving. Are you moving, 99?”

  “I think so. Max, I think we landed in some kind of underground stream. And the current seems to be taking us somewhere.”

  “Either that, 99, or we landed in some kind of underground stream and we’re caught up in the current.”

  “Max! There’s a light up ahead!”

  “I hardly think so, 99. Lucky Bucky obviously doesn’t know about this stream. And if he did, he wouldn’t light it, would he? And since he doesn’t, who would?”

  “Would what, Max?”

  “Light it.”

  “But that is a light, Max.”

  “99, it’s daytime. Nobody keeps the lights on in the daytime.”

  “But, Max, can’t you see it? It’s definitely a light.”

  “I know that, 99. All I’m saying is- Oh. It’s daylight, 99. We’re coming to the end of the underground stream.”

  “I wonder where it will take us?”

  “My guess would be-”

  The stream swept them from the cavern and out into the ocean. Huge waves washed over them.

  “Well, wrong again,” Max said.

  “Swim, Max!”

  “99, I’m not a child. I don’t have to be told what to do when I find myself over my head in ocean.”

  They swam back to the island and dragged themselves up on the beach. After they had rested a moment, Max got up and looked around.

  “Where are we, Max?” 99 asked wearily.

  “I don’t recognize it, 99. But evidently something terrible has happened here.”

  “What, Max?” 99 said, rising.

  “Look-over there. That whole ring of trees has apparently been snapped off at the base by some giant, ferocious animal.”

  “Oh. . Max! You snapped them off at the base with that collapsible machine gun-remember? We’re right back where we started!”

  Max sighed. “Then this is it, 99. We’ll never find our way back to that castle.”

  “Couldn’t we try, Max?”

  “There just isn’t time. For all we know, Lucky Bucky may be setting out with Guru Optimo right now to take over the world. This calls for drastic action, 99.”

  “Do you have something in mind?”

  “Yes. I’m going to call the Chief and have him send the Air Force to bomb this island out of existence.”

  “Max, in the first place, if the Air Force bombs this island out of existence, won’t we be bombed out of existence with it?”

  “That’s a sacrifice we’ll have to make, 99. What’s more important-us, or the fate of the entire civilized world?”

  “Well. . ”

  “I tend to agree with you, 99. But I suspect that the entire civilized world would have a different opinion.”

  “Max, there’s something else. How are you going to call the Chief? Lucky Bucky threw your shoe out that window.”

  “Simple, 99,” Max replied, taking off his other shoe. “I’m going to use the extension.”

  “I didn’t know about that, Max.”

  “I try to keep it a secret,” Max said. “When the information gets out that you have two phones, some practical joker always tries to call you on both lines at once, and you find yourself talking to yourself.”

  Max dialed.

  Operator: I’m ready with your call to General Grant, sir.

  Max: Operator, General Grant is dead.

  Operator: Then why did you call him?

  Max: I didn’t. Operator, this is Max Smart. I’m trying to call the Chief.

  Operator: Have you tried shouting out the window?

  Max: I’m on an island out in the ocean. That’s why I’m using a phone. Now, will you connect me with Control, please?

  Operator: What about your call to General Grant? He’s on the line.

  Max: Let him talk to Mr. Lincoln for a while. I’ll speak with him as soon as I finish talking to the Chief.

  (Click)

  Chief: Control. . Chief here. .

  Max: Chief, this is Max. I have a desperate-

  Chief: Max who?

  Max: Max Smart, Agent 86, Chief. I have a desperate-

  Chief: I don’t know who you are, sir, but if this is supposed to be a joke, it isn’t very funny.

  Max: Chief? Is that you? This is me, Max. Remember? Your top agent?

  Chief: This is in very bad taste, sir. Max Smart is dead.

  Max: Operator, did you connect me to General Grant?

  Operator: How could I? He’s talking to Mr. Lincoln.

  Max: Chief, let’s start again. Hello, Chief? This is Max. Now, as I was saying-

  Chief: Sir, it might interest you to know that not ten minutes ago I received a call from V. T. Brattleboro. He was calling on Max’s shoe phone. And he informed me that Max and Agent 99 had died in the castle, murdered by Lucky Bucky Buckley. Now, I’m certain that if Max were still alive, it would have been impossible for V. T. Brattleboro to have possession of his shoe phone.

  Max: I wouldn’t say that, Chief. You see-

  Chief: You’re an impostor, sir-whoever you are.

  Max: Chief, let’s wait until I get back to Headquarters to debate this. Right now, I have a very unusual but nonetheless urgent request to make. The fate of the entire civilized world will depend on your answer. Chief, I want you to bomb this island out of existence. And there isn’t a moment to lose. Okay?

  (Silence)

  Max: Chief? Still there?

  Chief: I don’t have a bomb handy.

  Max: No, I want you to have the Air Force bomb the island out of existence.

  Chief: I see. And what reason would I give? Because some nut called me on the phone and requested it?

  Max: Chief, I’m not just any nut-this is Max!
>
  Chief: I repeat-Max is dead.

  Max: Chief, who are you going to believe, me or V. T. Brattleboro?

  Chief: Are you calling on Max’s shoe phone?

  Max: Well, no, I’m-

  Chief: Aha!

  (click)

  “He hung up,” Max reported to 99.

  “Max, then why are you still listening on your extension?”

  “Shhh. . I think the operator got the lines crossed. Mr. Lincoln and General Grant are discussing the campaign.”

  “Battle strategy, you mean, Max?”

  “Not that kind of campaign-the election campaign. Grant wants Lincoln to shave off his beard. He says it makes him look like a beatnik.”

  “Max. . do you think you should listen?”

  “I’ll- Oops!”

  Max put his shoe back on.

  “What happened, Max?”

  “Mr. Lincoln couldn’t talk any more.”

  “I imagine he was pretty busy.”

  “Yes. He said he had a long speech written and he had to edit it down so it would fit on the back of an envelope.”

  “What did the Chief say, Max?”

  “He called me a nut. Remember when Lucky Bucky Buckley tossed my shoe phone out the window, 99, and it hit V. T. Brattleboro? Well, apparently the blow unzopped him. Anyway, he called the Chief on my shoe and told him that you and I are dead. And the Chief believed him.”

  “Maybe Brattleboro believes it, too.”

  “Possibly.”

  “The Chief, I suppose, refused to ask the Air Force to bomb the island out of existence.”

  “Right.”

  “What do we do now, Max?”

  “Carry on, 99. We have no other choice. In spite of the fact that we will undoubtedly be too late, we’ll have to try to find our way back through the jungle to the castle and attempt to stop Lucky Bucky Buckley and Guru Optimo.”

  “It sounds like a complete waste of time to me, Max.”

  “Well, look at it this way, 99-what else do we have to do?”

  “That’s a point.”

  “Backward, 99!”

  “Don’t you mean Onward!?”

  “No, backward, 99-back to the castle.”

  “Oh.”

  Once more, they plunged into the jungle, following the stream. The heat beat down on them. The vines lashed at their faces. And the brambles pulled at their clothes.

  Max halted. “It’s no use, 99. We’re lost.”

  “Max, why don’t you climb one of these palm trees?”

  “It doesn’t appeal to me, 99.”

  “To look around, I mean. Maybe you could spot the castle.”

  “Oh. All right.”

  Max shinnied to the top of a tree.

  “What do you see, Max?” 99 called.

  “Well, I’m not sure. But it looks a little like a monkey.”

  “I resent that a great deal,” the monkey said.

  Max stared. “V. T. Brattleboro!”

  “What is it, Max?” 99 shouted.

  “It’s Brattleboro, 99.”

  “Ask him what he’s doing up there!”

  Max faced Brattleboro again. “You heard the question,” he said.

  “I climbed up here for privacy,” Brattleboro replied. “I was making a phone call.”

  “On my shoe?”

  “Right. I had a sudden inspiration. I said to myself, why don’t I call the Chief and have him contact the Air Force and have the Air Force bomb this island out of existence. But I knew he wouldn’t do it for me-a KAOS agent. So I pretended to be you. Which wasn’t easy, because, earlier, I had called him and told him you were dead. But this time I told him that Brattleboro was wrong, I wasn’t dead. Then I asked him to contact the Air Force.”

  “Yes? And?”

  “He hung up on me.”

  “I’m not surprised,” Max said.

  “The call wasn’t a total waste, though,” Brattleboro said. “I found out that Mr. Lincoln will be in Gettysburg later today.”

  “Oh. . good. He got the speech edited down, I guess.”

  “What are you doing up here?” Brattleboro said. “I thought you were dead.”

  “No, I’m not dead. And give me back my shoe. And I’m up here looking for the castle.”

  “What would a castie be doing at the top of a palm tree?”

  “Just give me my shoe!”

  Brattleboro handed the shoe to Max. Max put it on, then slid down the tree trunk. Brattleboro followed.

  “Did you see the castle, Max?” 99 said.

  “99, what would a castle be doing at the top of a palm tree?”

  “I don’t know, Max. If you knew it wasn’t up there, why did you climb the tree?”

  “If you’re looking for the castle,” Brattleboro said, “I know where it is. I just left there.” He pointed. “You just follow that stream.”

  With Brattleboro to show them the way, they had no difficulty at all finding the castle. But then another problem arose-getting past the guards.

  “Stopped!” Max said.

  “I’ll hypnotize them and make them think we’re somebody else,” Brattleboro suggested.

  “How about the two Smith Bros, and their sister?”

  “They might mistake us for beatniks,” Max replied.

  “Casting agents from Hollywood?”

  “Perfect!”

  Brattleboro hypnotized each of the guards as they passed by. Finally, he had them all under his spell. Then Max, Brattleboro and 99 stepped out and walked toward the castle. The guards crowded around them, asking for roles in their next picture. Brattleboro promised them all a starring part. Then the guards wandered off to brood about the lack of privacy in a star’s life.

  Max, 99 and Brattleboro reached the castle and entered.

  “What now?” 99 whispered.

  “Find and destroy Lucky Bucky Buckley,” Max replied. “We’ve been nice guys about this long enough.”

  “Right,” Brattleboro said.

  “Not you, us,” Max said.

  “How will we find him?” 99 asked.

  Max looked at his watch. “It’s noon. We’ll go straight to the great hall, and there, unless I’m greatly mistaken, we’ll find him at lunch.”

  “Brilliant, Max!”

  “I would have thought of that if my watch wasn’t slow,” Brattleboro said.

  They proceeded quietly along the corridor until they reached the door to the great hall. The door was closed, but they could hear sounds inside.

  “What is that?” 99 said, cocking an ear.

  “Someone eating celery,” Max replied.

  “Suppose it’s Guru Optimo? All we have to do is open the door and he’ll zop us.”

  “We have the element of surprise in our favor,” Max said. “Here’s what we’ll do. Brattleboro, I’ll yank open the door. And before Guru Optimo can zop us, you zop him first. Make him think we’re three of the guards. That way, he’ll make no attempt to stop us.”

  “Yes? Then?”

  “When we get inside, we’ll tell Lucky Bucky that there’s a phone call for him in his room. When he leaves, we’ll follow him. And when we get him out here in the corridor we’ll overpower him and put him out of his happiness.”

  “Put him out of his happiness, Max?”

  “That’s the opposite of putting him out of his misery, but it has the same result.”

  “Got it,” Brattleboro said. “You yank, and I’ll zop.”

  “Right. Ready?”

  “What do you want me to do, Max?” 99 said.

  “Hum something, 99,” he replied. “In the movies, when the hero does something dangerous like this, there’s always music in the background.”

  “Anything special, Max?”

  Brattleboro spoke up. “How about ‘I’ll be Glad When You’re Dead, You Nice Guy, You’?” he said. “That’s our KAOS fight song.”

  “What’s the tune?” 99 asked.

  “It’s sung to Shubert’s Symphony No. 3 in D Major a
s played by the Hanky Panky String Band, H. Panky, conductor.”

  “If you two don’t mind,” Max broke in, “Could we get to the yanking and the zopping now?”

  “We’re waiting for you,” Brattleboro said. “You’re on yank.”

  Max yanked.

  Lucky Bucky was seated at the table alone, gnawing on a stalk of celery. He looked up.

  “Looks like I’m stuck with a zop,” Brattleboro said.

  “Keep it handy,” Max ordered. “Guru Optimo could show up any second!”

  “Guards!” Lucky Bucky yelled.

  Max ran to him and clapped a hand over his mouth. Brattleboro arrived and grabbed his arms and held them behind him.

  “Now, if you’ll promise not to struggle and not to yell, we’ll release you,” Max said.

  “Mmmrbphempydmp! ”

  “I think we have a little problem,” Max said. “Was that yes or no?”

  “Take a chance,” Brattleboro suggested.

  Max took his hand from Lucky Bucky’s mouth.

  “You can’t get away with this!” Lucky Bucky said. “I’ve got guards posted in every corridor and Guru Optimo is on his way down now to lunch!”

  “We just came from the corridor,” Max pointed out. “And there were no guards.”

  “You weren’t looking!”

  “It won’t work,” Max said. “We’ve got you now, and we’re going to do to you exactly what you tried to do to us.”

  “Maxie Baby, it was only a game,” Lucky Bucky persisted. “You think I meant to hurt you, kicking you into a bottomless pit?”

  “That was certainly the impression I got.”

  “Okay, you don’t want to play the game? Fine by me. We’ll call it even.”

  “Max, how are we going to put him out of his happiness?” 99 said. “We have no weapons.”

  “I still have my pistol,” Brattleboro said. “We could shoot him.”

  “Here?” Max said, appalled. “In the eating room? That’s the height of poor taste, Brattleboro. We’ll take him to the dungeon and shoot him.”

  Brattleboro got out his gun and pointed it at Lucky Bucky. “Victims first,” he said.

  They left the great hall and marched down the corridor towards the stairs.

  “Max. . isn’t shooting him a little. . well, drastic,” 99 said.

  “Maybe you’re right, 99. Frankly, the idea doesn’t appeal much to me, either.”

  “I like it,” Brattleboro said.