Do Penguins Have Knees?

by David Feldman

  hands on chins in

  Polaroid prints, flapping of

  smiling in old photographs

  Physical exams, back tapping during

  “Pi” as geometrical term

  Piano keys, number of

  “Pig in a poke,”

  Pigeons

  baby, elusiveness of

  loss of toes

  whistling sound in flight

  Pigs

  curly tails of

  pink hair color of

  roasted, and apples in mouths of

  Pilgrims, buckled hats of

  Pillow tags, label warnings of

  Pilots

  and dimming of interior lights

  female, dearth of, on airlines

  “Pin money,”

  Pine nuts, shelling of

  Pine trees, construction sites and

  Pineapple in gelatin

  Pinholes, on bottle caps

  Pink as color for baby girls

  “Pink lady,”

  Pink stripes on magazine labels

  “Pinkie,”

  Pins in men’s dress shirts

  “Pipe down,”

  Pipes, kitchen, shape of

  Pirates

  earrings on

  walking the plank

  Pistachio ice cream, color of

  Pistachios, red color of

  Pita bread, pockets in

  Pitcher’s mound

  location of

  rebuilding of

  Pittsburgh Steelers, emblems on helmets of

  Planets, twinkling of, at night

  Plastic bottles, beer and

  Plastic cups, shape of

  Plastic deer ornaments on lawns

  Plastics, recyclable, numbers on

  Plates

  repositioning of

  round shape of dinner

  Plots, farm, circular shape of

  Plug prongs

  holes at end of

  three prongs versus two prongs

  Plum pudding, plums in

  Plumbing

  kitchen, shape of

  sound of running water

  Pockets in pita bread

  Poison ivy, grazing animals and

  Polaroid prints, flapping of

  Poles

  directions at

  telling time at North and South

  Pole-vaulting

  preparation for different heights

  women and

  Police

  and crowd estimates

  flashlight grips

  radar and speed measurement

  Police car beacons, colors on

  Police dogs, urination and defecation of

  Policemen and mustaches

  Ponds

  effect of moons on

  fish returning to dried

  ice formations on

  versus lakes

  versus lakes, level of

  Poodles, wild

  Pool balls, dots on

  “Pop goes the weasel,”

  Popcorn

  “gourmet” versus regular

  popping in-house, in movie theaters

  versus other corns

  Popes

  name change of

  white skullcap of

  white vestments of

  Popping noise of wood, in fires

  Pork and beans, pork in

  “Port,”

  “Porthole,”

  Postage and ripped stamps

  Postage stamps

  leftover perforations of

  taste of

  Postal Service, U.S., undeliverable mail and

  Pot pies, vent holes in

  Potato chips

  bags, impossibility of opening and closing

  curvy shape

  green tinges on

  price of, versus tortilla chips

  Potato skins, restaurants and

  Potatoes, baked, and steak houses

  Potholes, causes of

  “Potter’s field,”

  Power lines

  humming of

  orange balls on

  Prefaces in books, versus introductions and forewords

  Pregnancy, permanents and

  Pregnant women, food cravings of

  Preserves, contents of

  Press conferences, microphones in

  “Pretty kettle of fish,”

  “Pretty picnic,”

  Pretzels, shape of

  Priests, black vestments and

  Priority mail, first class versus

  Prisoners and license plate manufacturing

  Prohibition, liquor production of distilleries during

  Pronunciation, dictionaries and

  “P’s and Q’s,”

  Pubic hair

  curliness of

  purpose of

  Public buildings, temperatures in

  Public radio, low frequency numbers of

  Pudding, film on

  Punts, measurement of, in football

  Purple

  Christmas tree lights

  paganism

  royalty and

  “Put up your dukes,”

  Putting, veering of ball toward ocean when

  “Q.T.,”

  “Qantas,” spelling of

  Q-Tips, origins of name

  “Quack [doctor],”

  “Quarterback,”

  Quarterbacks and exclamation, “hut,”

  Quarter-moons versus half moons

  Quarts and gallons, American versus British

  Queen-size sheets, size of

  Rabbit tests, death of rabbits in

  Rabbits and nose wiggling

  Racewalking, judging of

  Racquetballs, color of

  Radar and police speed detection

  Radiators and placement below windows

  Radio

  beeps before network news

  FM, odd frequency numbers of

  lack of song identification

  public, low frequency numbers

  Radio Shack and lack of cash registers

  Radios

  battery drainage

  lingering sound of recently unplugged

  Railroad crossings and “EXEMPT” signs

  Railroads, width of standard gauges of

  Rain

  butterflies and

  fish biting in

  measurement container for

  smell of impending

  Raincoats, dry-cleaning of

  “Raining cats and dogs,”

  “Raise hackles,”

  Raisins

  cereal boxes and

  seeded grapes and

  Ranchers’ boots on fence posts

  Razor blades, hotel slots for

  Razors, men’s versus women’s

  “Read the riot act,”

  “Real McCoys,”

  Rear admiral, origins of term

  Rear-view mirrors, day/night switch on automobile

  Receipts, cash register, color of

  Records, vinyl, speeds of

  Recreational vehicles and wheel covers

  Recyclable plastics, numbers on

  Recycling of newspaper ink

  Red

  color of beef

  eyes in photographs

  paint on coins

  “Red cent,”

  “Red herring,”

  Red lights, versus green lights, on boats and airplanes

  “Red tape,”

  Red Wings, Detroit, octopus throwing and

  “Red-letter day,”

  Redshirting in college football

  Refrigeration of opened food jars

  Refrigerators

  location of freezers in

  smell of new

  thermometers in

  Relative humidity, during rain

  Remote controls, men versus women and

  Repair shops, backlogs and

  Restaurants

  coffee, versus home-brewed

  vertical
rulers near entrances of

  Restrooms, group visits by females to

  Revolving doors, appearance of, in big cities

  Reynolds Wrap, texture of two sides of

  Rhode Island, origins of name

  Ribbons, blue

  Rice cakes, structural integrity of

  Rice Krispies

  noises of

  profession of Snap!

  “Right wing,”

  “Rigmarole,”

  Rings, nose, bulls and

  Rinks, ice, temperature of resurfacing water in

  “Riot Act [1716],”

  Roaches

  automobiles and

  position of dead

  reactions to light

  Roads

  blacktop, coloring of

  fastening of lane reflectors on

  versus bridges, in freezing characteristics

  Robes, black, and judges

  Rocking in zoo animals

  Rodents and water sippers

  Roller skating rinks, music in

  Rolls

  coldness of airline

  versus buns

  Roman chariots, flimsiness of

  Roman numerals

  calculations with

  copyright notices in movie credits and

  on clocks

  Roofs, gravel on

  Roosevelt, Teddy, and San Juan Hill horses

  Roosters, crowing and

  Root beer

  carbonation in

  foam of

  Rubble, Betty

  nonappearance in Flintstones vitamins

  vocation of

  Ruins, layers of

  Rulers, vertical, in restaurant entrances

  Run amok

  Runny noses

  cold weather and

  kids versus adults

  Rust, dental fillings and

  RVs and wheel covers

  “Rx,”

  “Sacked [fired],”

  Sacks, paper

  jagged edges on

  names on

  Safety caps, aspirin, 100-count bottles of

  Safety pins, gold versus silver

  Saffron, expense of

  Sailors, bell bottom trousers and

  “Salad days,”

  Salads, restaurant, celery in

  Saloon doors in Old West

  Salt

  and pepper, as table condiments

  in oceans

  packaged, sugar as ingredient in

  round containers and

  storage bins on highway and

  versus sand, to treat icy roads

  Salutes, military, origins of

  San Francisco, sourdough bread in

  Sand

  in pockets of new jeans

  storage bins on highway and

  versus salt, to treat icy roads

  Sandbags, disposal of

  Sardines, fresh, nonexistence in supermarkets

  “Sawbuck [ten-dollar bill],”

  Sawdust on floor of bars

  Scabs, itchiness of

  Scars, hair growth and

  “Schneider,”

  School clocks, backward clicking of minute hands in

  Schools, CPR training in

  Scissors, sewing, and paper cutting

  “Scot-free,”

  “Scotland Yard,”

  Scotsmen and kilts

  Screen doors, location of handles on

  Screwdrivers, reasons for Phillips

  Scuba masks, spitting into

  Sea gulls in parking lots

  Sea level, measurement of

  Seas versus oceans, differences between

  Seat belts

  and shoulder straps in airplanes

  in buses

  in taxicabs

  Secretary, as U.S. government department head designation

  “Seed [tournament ranking],”

  “Seeing stars,” head injuries and

  Self-service versus full-service, pricing of, at gas stations

  “Semi,” origins of term

  “Semimonthly,”

  “Semiweekly,”

  Serrated knives, lack of, in place settings

  Settling in houses

  Seven-layer cakes and missing layers

  Seventy-two degrees, human comfort at

  Sewing scissors and paper cutting

  Shampoo bottles, notches on bottom of

  Shampoo labels, “FD&C” on label of

  Shampoos

  colored, white suds and

  lathering of

  number of applications

  Shaving of armpits, women and

  Sheets

  irregular, proliferation of

  queen-size, size of

  Sheriffs’ badges, shape of

  Shirts

  buttons on men’s versus women’s

  men’s, pins in

  single-needle stitching in

  starch on

  Shoe laces

  length in athletic shoes

  untied, in shoe stores

  Shoe sizes, differences between

  Shoes

  lace length in shoe stores

  layers on

  of deceased, at funerals

  penny loafers

  single, on side of road

  tied to autos, at weddings

  uncomfortable, and women

  untied laces in stores

  wing-tip, holes in

  “Shoofly pie,”

  Shopping, female proclivity toward

  Shopping malls, doors at entrance of

  “Short shrift,”

  Shoulder straps and seat belts in airplanes

  Shredded Wheat packages, Niagara Falls on

  “Shrift,”

  Shrimp, baby, peeling and cleaning of

  “Shrive,”

  “Siamese twins,”

  “Sic,” as dog command

  Side vents in automobile windows

  “Sideburns,”

  Sidewalks

  cracks on

  glitter on

  Silica gel packs in electronics boxes

  Silos, round shape of

  Silver fillings, rusting of

  Silverstone, versus Teflon

  Singers, American accents of foreign

  Single-needle stitching in shirts

  Sinks, overflow mechanisms on

  Siskel, Gene, versus Roger Ebert, billing of

  Skating music, roller rinks and

  Skating, figure, and dizziness

  Ski poles, downhill

  “Skidoo,”

  Skunks, smell of

  Skyscrapers, bricks in

  Skytyping, versus skywriting

  Skywriting

  techniques of

  versus skytyping

  Sleep

  babies and

  drowsiness after meals

  eye position

  heat and effect on

  twitching during

  “Slippery When Wet” signs, location of

  “Small fry,”

  Smell of impending rain

  Smiling in old photographs

  Smoke from soda bottles

  Snack foods and prepricing

  Snake emblems on ambulances

  Snakes

  sneezing

  tongues

  Snap! [of Rice Krispies], profession of

  “Snap! Crackle! And Pop!” of Rice Krispies

  Sneezing

  eye closure during

  looking up while

  pepper and

  snakes and

  Snickers, wavy marks on bottom of

  Sniffing, boxers and

  Snoring, age differences and

  Snow and cold weather

  “Snow” on television

  Soap, Ivory, purity of

  Soaping of retail windows

  Soaps, colored, white suds and

  Social Security cards, lamination of

  Social Security numbers

  fif
th digit of

  reassignment of

  sequence of

  Socks

  angle of

  disappearance of

  men’s, coloring of toes on

  “Soda jerk,”

  Soft drinks

  bottles, holes on bottom of

  brominated vegetable oil in

  calorie constituents

  effect of container sizes and taste

  filling of bottles of

  finger as fizziness reduction agent

  fizziness in plastic cups

  fizziness of soda with ice cream

  fizziness over ice

  freezing of, in machines

  Kool-Aid and metal containers

  machines, “Use Correct Change” light on

  phenylalanine as ingredient in

  pinholes on bottle caps of

  root beer, foam of

  smoke of

  “sodium-free” labels