This Is Gonna Hurt

by Nikki Sixx

  And we get tired. Fucking tired…Sorry to spill the beans…Sorry to burst your bubble, but the truth needs to be told…Better to hear it from me than someone else. Honesty is the best policy and all that malarkey.

  This is the stuff we talk about backstage, behind the circus tent so to speak, and it feels good to me to be honest, even to you the reader (or the fan). So let’s continue to beat this dead horse so we can work out the kinks.

  Fucking rock star poseur motherfuckers always say the same shit to the fans…Had a great time…Can’t wait to come back here again… I mean come on, Madonna gets on the rag some days, Bono throws up when he gets the flu, and Paul McCartney gets the shits and still has to sing “Yesterday.” Truth be told, the only sign that high-profile people are in trouble is usually suicide or overdose.

  Right about now my editor is screaming “Don’t put that in the book. It will make you look bad.”

  Note to self, fire editor.

  Second note to self, continue to ruffle feathers and stir shit.

  Third note to self, try and explain yourself, Sixx…

  I’ve experienced everything from rolling over and picking up the phone to call room service only to realize that I was home in my own bed, to rolling over and pissing on the floor ’cause I was too tired to get out of bed. (Not a wise move, especially when you’re not in a hotel.) I’ve had to reconnect with society in ways that will seem alien to you. Simple, everyday things like getting into your car and forgetting how to put it in gear. Going to the grocery store and standing in the cereal aisle, dumbfounded, baffled, zombielike. You have to reboot the brain at that point, or better yet, reboot your life, if you have one left. There is that old saying “He sold his soul for rock n roll” for a reason.

  Years ago, I left to tour for Shout at the Devil and came back eighteen months later only to find my cereal bowl still sitting in the same place on the table where I left it when the tour bus pulled up to get me. Surreal doesn’t describe that feeling. Like being lost in space, only to return a different man and everybody else is exactly the same. Problem is, you can’t remember their names or who they are…To be honest, sometimes you can’t remember your own name or who you are either…

  This is day two for me being home from Crüe Fest 2. I can honestly say I don’t feel any of that. I am so happy to be home, and there isn’t one drop of Nikki Sixx of Mötley Crüe to be seen, felt, or tasted. I walked off that plane ready to take on normality. I am over it. I am DONE. Overcooked to the point of burnout.

  P.S. I love what I do until what I do does me. Playing live, making albums, photography, writing books, and working with other artists is bliss.

  Gimme a week of sleep and I’ll be ready to take on the world again but right now, I need a coffin and an IV drip…

  Love you…sorta…

  AFTER SHOW, HOUSTON fig.bh593

  LIVE FOREVER

  (Sixx:A.M.)

  You were right,

  We never really gave a damn

  Spent our lives running through the wasteland

  An early sign we should have had a battle plan

  But we were young

  Close your eyes

  And try to count to seven

  If we die, I’ll meet you up in heaven

  Cuz you’re beautiful

  We were so independent

  So high on ill intentions

  We would explode in fury

  We were too scared to worry anyway

  But now you’re the only thing that’s worth dying for

  You give me a reason I can’t ignore

  And make me want to live forever

  You’re everything I’ve been waiting for

  All of these years and a thousand more

  You make me want to live forever

  When I woke up and wonderland had gone to hell

  It choked me, but maybe it was just as well

  Cuz you and I, we burned up every brain cell and bridge we had

  We were so independent

  So high on ill intentions

  We would explode in fury

  We were too scared to worry anyway

  But now you’re the only thing that’s worth dying for

  You give me a reason I can’t ignore

  And make me want to live forever

  You’re everything I’ve been waiting for

  All of these years and a thousand more

  You make me want to live forever

  Dancing with a razor blade

  Sleeping with a hand grenade

  I will gladly take the blame

  SELF-PORTRAIT, WET PLATE fig.sp47

  VII

  THE END, UNLESS IT’S THE BEGINNING

  I am writing this by hand because my computer has no battery life left. I think it’s a good way to start the last chapter, running outta juice, so to speak.

  I don’t know about you, but I am pretty exhausted by all this honesty. I have to tell you, this book has uncorked me in places I didn’t know were stuck. I have had realizations about my childhood and decisions I’ve made based on those hard years, about how they formed my outlook and perception of my life, and how I plan to move forward with the help of this newly peeled onion.

  I know this will touch some of you. Some of you will relate, some may even curse because you agree with me or, better yet, will sling these pages across the room thinking, “How dare he say that.”

  I think the biggest realization is how fear has driven me to achieve great things but also, like any double-edged sword, has cut me, sometimes to the bone. During the writing of this book I came to this realization: ego is the enemy, and fear is one of the masks of ego, as is anger. I am not a psychologist or a therapist, but I have been to both over the years, and read many books, too. I think the journey to a better life begins when you find your true self and name the issue at hand. Mine would be my abandonment by my mother and father. For me, the process of recovery happens through outside help and with a spiritual connection to a power greater than myself.

  NEED TITLE fig.h35

  I like that “peeling the onion” analogy because I don’t believe we can get to the core of who we really are overnight. That’s especially true when we come from a damaged place. It has taken me years to understand my teenage years, my drug and alcohol addiction, and even my recovery. Behind my core pain, I have done horrible things. I put it all out there in The Heroin Diaries and found that honesty not only saved my life but other lives, too. I am grateful because I could help other people feel hope. All is not lost if you’re just willing to admit you are powerless.

  All this brings me to an ending I never saw coming.

  In the summer of 2010, as I was finishing this book, Kat came out on the road with me to Europe for a short Mötley Crüe tour. The band had a couple days off between shows. We had already booked our flight from Munich, Germany, to the next stop, Hamburg, meaning we were about to spend two days basically sitting around a hotel doing nothing, awaiting another massive rock festival.

  Then it hit me. As I said before, Katherine’s dream city is Prague, though she’d never been there. So why not change course, like I’ve done so many times in my life, and fly (literally) by the seat of my pants? Without telling Katherine, I booked us two tickets to Prague. When we got to the Munich airport, I asked her to grab us some coffee while I checked in for our flight. Tickets in hand, I tweeted that I was taking her to Prague and asked my fans not to tell her. Like with all good pranks, then came the moment when I sat back and awaited my victory.

  ADDICTION fig.ad8.91

  Staring at her from across the airport, I saw her check the tweets on her phone, and then watched her eyes light up as she burst into tears of joy.

  We boarded the plane together, me feeling smug, her feeling loved, and we both fell into a deep sleep until the wheels hit the ground with a huge bang.

  We had an amazing, romantic time in Prague, and then caught up with the tour in Germany as planned. Soon it was time to head home.r />
  The night before we flew back to L.A., we lay in bed in Finland laughing till our bellies hurt, playing Scrabble on our phones, eating ice cream and cake till the wee hours, getting barely any sleep. By morning, when we boarded our flight, we were giddy with love and exhaustion.

  But truth be told, we had been up and down, breaking up and making up, for the past two years. We were 110 percent in love one month and then crashing into the rocks the next. We both knew that, even though being together in Europe was beautiful, there was a huge pink elephant in the room, and we were trying to ignore it. Eventually, it had to be discussed.

  As we flew toward L.A., we had the conversation we’d had before about how much we loved each other but something wasn’t working. And so again, we decided to take a break. Yes, we were breaking up, and yes, we were still in love, and yes, it’s all very confusing to us, too…

  I refuse to dive into any of the murky bullshit and trash talk or to undermine what we had together, like the tabloids do. I’ve railed against them so often in this book. I will say this, and I probably don’t even need to tell you (but I will): I still love her and I know nobody will ever own her heart the way I do. She still loves me to death, too. We are bound at the hip like Siamese twins, maybe not physically, but eternally and most certainly spiritually. Maybe our timing is just off. Maybe in a few years, or maybe never, things will change, but nothing will erase what we have experienced together.

  I have learned this in my life: everything happens for a reason and everything turns out the way it is meant to be. Living in the present and accepting life on life’s terms isn’t always easy.

  I sometimes need to remind myself that “we are exactly where we’re supposed to be in the universe at this very moment.” But even with that in mind, I knew it was gonna hurt.

  NEW ORLEANS fig.no291

  This too shall pass.

  I woke up this morning and for the first time in weeks felt something was different.

  I learned this one a long time ago: if you don’t take control of your life, your life takes over you…or, if you don’t deal with your demons, your demons deal with you. Shit happens and it hurts, but you’re also able to change your life in the blink of an eye. Pain is a gift. It is an opportunity to make things better.

  This is where I am now. I’ve had to look at all the heartbreaks in my life as good things—as chances to make things right, so I could forgive my mother, my father, and even my enemies. But mostly I’ve had to learn to forgive myself. I have to move forward and realign myself daily with a complete outpouring of positive energy. I intend to infect everybody around me with that positive energy and to push people to do more with their lives. I am so grateful that every day I get to focus on my family, on my creativity, and to manifest a wonderful future. Like all things wonderful, it will appear when I am ready—whatever “it” may be.

  I don’t talk much about my kids in this book or in the press, because their lives are not on display. I bring them up now only because everything else I have written about here—good times and bad, touring, career, love life—all comes in second place to them. They are my foundation, and my responsibility to them guides every decision I make.

  Naturally, that ties in to my issues with my own parents. I still live with the sorrow that my father wasn’t there for me as a child. But I feel I am able to go back and heal that wound by making my kids my number one priority. No woman or career or addiction will ever get in the way of that. I know that I also sometimes wallow in the fear of abandonment because of my mother and how she treated me. I am grateful that my recovery from alcohol and drug addiction happened when it did. I’m not going to do anything harmful ever again to kill the pain. Instead, unhappy experiences will push me to new levels in my music, photography, and life itself. How about you?

  I am saying that if you think your life is in shambles, maybe it’s a gift. It could be just the thing to push you to a new, better level. Yes, this is gonna hurt, but doesn’t growing always involve some pain? I think it does.

  I search for and usually find the positive in everything, and in the end I am able to turn my pain into pleasure. I know I can use it to create a better life for myself and everybody around me. What I choose to focus on will become my reality. In other words, your life is whatever you think about. So you cannot allow your thoughts to get dragged down into sadness and heartbreak for too long. When hard times knock on my door these days, I say to myself, “Oh, shit, this is gonna hurt.” And so it does. But from the hurt will come growth. I know that.

  Over the years I have struggled to create an amazing and solid relationship with Tommy, Vince, and Mick. I love those guys even though it’s safe to say we have all hurt each other pretty bad at one time or another. (All you have to do is read the Mötley Crüe bio, The Dirt, to see just how bad it got before it got better.) I am proud that we’re still a band, and even prouder that we’ve all survived one another and are close friends.

  My life feels challenging to me, but then I think of some of the people I have been lucky enough to photograph, and I feel humbled. Growing up being ridiculed for things that are beyond your control, suffering the cruelty of other people for being physically different—I can’t fathom it. Most of us will never have to endure their torments. But when I talk to them, they say they are blessed. That they wouldn’t exchange their lives for anyone else’s. They feel unique. I get high on their energy and how they have overcome difficulties that make mine, and probably yours, seem trivial. They inspire me to be a better person.

  This book started off as a way to showcase my photography and give us a chance to talk about creativity. It’s ended up being one of the most exciting yet painful experiences of my life, making me dig into my past, discovering my deep connection to the loss of my sister, my family, and even my girlfriend. It feels as though it has all exploded onto the pages of this book. Jesus, all I wanted to do was show you some pictures. Such is my life.

  Which brings me to one final story, something funny that happened at the Prague airport when Kat and I landed there. We both needed to make a pit stop. As I waited for her near the ladies’ room, out came a little boy with his mom in tow. He stopped in his tracks to inspect me closely. I was still wearing my stage pants and makeup from the Munich show, so I was a sight. No wonder he stared. I waved and his face exploded in a huge smile. At that very moment his mother saw me, grabbed his hand, and jerked him to her side, then stormed off toward the baggage claim.

  SIXX DEATH MASK fig.dm2.8

  WELCOME TO FUNNY FARM fig.wf20

  SERENITY fig.s7.s

  HELL IS ON THE WAY fig.se5g

  In those ten seconds, my whole life flashed before my eyes.

  He turned around as he was being dragged away, still smiling, and waved back. I just grinned. My life had come full circle. Now I was the poor, unfortunate-looking wretch, and the mother was talking about me when she said, “Don’t stare!” And in the innocence of that little boy’s eyes, I saw myself…before all the hateful messages, the bad information programmed into our minds that tells us what’s ugly and what’s beautiful, what is in and what is out, how to feel, what to feel, and who we should want to love and to fear and to hate. Now the circle has closed and I feel like maybe my life will make a little more sense to me—and maybe to you.

  So as this pen runs out of ink and the pages swallow up my last words, I feel content. In my life as a prankster, a lover, and an artist, yet another plan has come together. I know if you’re still reading you must have felt something, and if I’ve given you a glimpse through my distorted lens, then maybe we can both agree that life is wonderful and beautiful, no matter what. Don’t believe the lies of the beautiful people; believe in yourself instead.

  I look forward to more lessons, and maybe, just maybe, if we cross paths somewhere, anywhere, you will tell me that this book made you feel something differently than before.

  I’m gonna put down this pen, pick up my camera, and guitar and go out and change the wo
rld…

  Are you with me now?

  —NIKKI

  TRIPOD GIRL 2 fig.tg2.45

  Goodbye My Friends

  Sixx:A.M.

  Piles of roses at my feet

  Friends and lovers gather around me

  Whisper farewell one by one

  Clear their conscience as they surround me

  Close your eyes, you will be okay

  No remorse and no regrets

  For what I did and what I’ve said isn’t

  Life lived right at the edge

  And when it’s not you know you’re dead

  So goodbye my friends

  To hell with the sorrow

  We have made amends

  It’s time to say

  Goodbye my love

  By this time tomorrow

  It will be the end