Travails of a Trailing Spouse

by Stephanie Suga Chen

  Sarah quickly discovered the expat community was dying, seriously dying, to find causes to support. After a detailed post on the Singapore Expats Doing Good group asking for monetary or used toys and books donations, the offers started coming in, literally seconds after she hit “enter”.

  The next week was a blur; she stayed up past 1am every night working on plans; at the end of the week, she asked Thein if the nunnery needed more than just teaching – what were the conditions of the facilities, she asked. He responded that they could certainly use some help; the building was of traditional wood construction and the roof was leaking in several places. Sarah coordinated with him the hiring of a local crew to assist in renovations, adding it onto her list of costs they would need to fund.

  The following week, Su Lin reported that she had recruited one of the art teachers from the kids’ school to come along, Ms Wei, and she wanted to bring a music teacher friend of hers, Ms Tan, bringing the final group to eight members: three mothers, the two teachers, and four daughters. They all met the following weekend to formalise the project; there was a lot to do in only two months. The group spent all day Saturday together, discussing the details of the trip, everything from collection of toy donations across Singapore to the size of the roof they were planning on replacing.

  Sarah was thrilled to have two professional school teachers with specialist training on board; they finalised the subjects they would be teaching: Sarah, the American, would be leading English; Jocelyn, a biologist, science; Ms Wei and Ms Tan, art and music, respectively. Su Lin would be armed with her camera to capture every minute of it.

  The daughters, who were already friends, were ecstatic to hear that they would be going on a two-week vacation together, even as the mothers reminded them that they were going to work, too, as Teaching Assistants, or TAs. Su Lin showed the girls the photos of the young nuns, saying, “These will be your students.”

  Ruby, seeing all the shaved heads, whispered to her mother, “Are they boys or girls?”

  “Girls,” Sarah laughed. “They shave their heads to show commitment to a simple and pure life. We’ll have to do some research beforehand so you all can get to know their way of life.”

  Ruby nodded, even more excited that she would be taking on a teaching role.

  Sarah was invigorated, quite possibly more than she had ever felt in her life.

  Two of the girls would be having birthday parties between now and the trip, and Su Lin suggested that a good fundraising opportunity would be for them to ask for donations in lieu of gifts. The girls agreed and Jocelyn, who not only had a PhD in microbiology, but was also remarkably “craft-y”, led them in making a gorgeous, fabric-covered board with an attached donation box describing the project and thanking donors for their support. The girls wrote their own speeches, proudly standing together atop chairs at each event, telling their guests about the upcoming volunteer trip and pointing them towards the donation box. They collected a whopping $2,000 in the two parties alone.

  Ruby, sad that her birthday had already passed, asked Sarah if she could hold a small “half-birthday” party so that she could raise money as well. Sarah, whose own birthday was in May, thought that was a great idea, telling her that they could do a joint celebration. They did just that, holding a barbecue at the pool where they invited everyone they knew in the condo, and even a few they didn’t know, posting a flyer at the lobby bulletin board notifying all residents of the charity event. At the appointed time, Ruby stood on one of the tables, her little brother Eric standing by her for moral support, and read her speech aloud, nervously asking for donations.

  The guests emptied their pockets freely, swept away by Ruby’s small stature but big heart, and greased by the bottomless beer towers that CS had gladly committed to refilling for the entire afternoon. After it was over, Sarah granted Ruby the pleasure of emptying the donation box and counting the money herself.

  Ana, from the Medan trip, heard about Sarah leading her own volunteer project, congratulated her heartily and offered to host another high tea fundraiser among her expat friends. It raised another $2,500 in less than two hours, and Sarah promised to share all the trip’s photos with the donors after they returned home. (They might be entitled, but, damn, these expats were generous.)

  The Doing Good online group was similarly gushing, and by the time they were to leave in June, they would have 15 large suitcases full of used toys and books to bring to the nunnery, Sarah driving to parts of the island that she had never before been to pick up all of the donations. One night while reviewing the inventory and donation tallies, Sarah turned to Jason and said, “Seriously, who knew how enthusiastic people would be to give things away?”

  Gina was 100% right, of course – once Sarah had something else to fill her time, and mind, with, her frustrations with Jason evaporated; she didn’t care that he played on his phone or watched TV after the kids went to bed; she appreciated when he took them out to the pool or the playground, and didn’t nag him when they got back if they had spoken Mandarin while they were out (which they usually had, incidentally). She was on her laptop every spare minute, finishing her English lesson plans, coordinating with the team, reading and researching.

  She was happy, and he was happy.

  The Lees and Hendricks were at The Wagon Wheel, an American-style BBQ joint that served domestic beers like Bud Light and Sam Adams, albeit at Singapore prices. Sarah was surprised that Sara had chosen the place since the Hendricks were going to Australia, where she assumed they had pretty good barbecue, but it did kind of make sense, to toast the US together before they headed off to another foreign land.

  The menu listed wings with spiciness ranging from “Level 1-Light” to “Level 10-Yikes!”, but the waitress admitted to them that she had tasted only up to Level 5 and that was hot enough for her. Jason and John, naturally wanting to challenge themselves a little, ordered a Level 7 and a pitcher of ice water, then went off to play some darts.

  Sara asked Sarah how the Myanmar project planning was going, and Sarah filled her in on the latest piece of good news – Jocelyn had outlined a plan to set up and teach the teenage nuns how to compost, using the waste from the nunnery’s kitchen and outhouses to help transform the soil in the small garden behind the nunnery.

  Jason and Eric had also decided to fly in on the final day of teaching, after which the Lees were planning to go together to visit Bagan, the ancient temple city in the plains. The project was really coming together, Sarah said.

  “That is so fantastic,” Sara said. “You’ve done so much in such little time!”

  “Yes, it’s been full-on for the last two months, but I’ve really been enjoying it. It’s like everything’s changed, for the better,” Sarah responded. She then asked, “Are you guys all packed?”

  “I’m just going to leave it to the movers this time! I’m not going to worry if anything gets broken or damaged like when we moved from Denver. It’ll all be fine,” the other woman said, with confidence.

  It was as if Sara had been transformed into a new woman, too, Sarah thought approvingly. “And when will John be joining you?” she asked.

  “He’s coming with us!” Sara said, happily. “Originally he was thinking he might have to make another trip to India next month, but I convinced him he could finish up whatever he needed to do in the next week. He’ll officially be a house husband when we touch down in Sydney!”

  “Oh my God, I just can’t believe it,” Sarah said, “I mean, look at you!”

  “Well, something had to change, didn’t it? I’m not sure how long I could have continued like I had been. It’s on me now. We’re going to be great,” Sara said, firmly, her brown eyes twinkling.

  “I’m so impressed with you,” Sarah said, and she really meant it. “I’m not sure what I would have done.” She didn’t say specifically what she was referring to, but Sara knew what she meant.

  “You would have kicked his ass to the kerb, is what you would have done,” Sara said, elbowing h
er in the ribs.

  “Yeah, OK, you’re probably right,” Sarah said, shoving her back good-naturedly. “I can be pretty harsh on him.” She looked in Jason’s direction.

  The men returned from their dart game, just as the waitress set down the plate of wings. Jason picked up a wing, took a bite, and his eyes started watering immediately.

  “Whoa. That is really spicy,” he said, yet still licking his fingers.

  “WOO-HOO! That is SPICY!” John cried, gulping his water. “Maybe we should have gone for a 5.”

  “Whatever you do, DO NOT touch your eyes,” Jason said, blinking furiously.

  “Remember when we all first met? At the pool?” Sara said. “And then at our first lunch together, you offered for my parents and brother to stay at your place for Christmas?”

  “Yes, then Ethan started playing footsies with Ruby while watching Madagascar, ha! It was a match made in heaven,” Sarah said.

  She had misjudged her friend, mistaking her for weak, thinking that she was letting her husband run her life, when in actuality it was Sara who was the strong one, steadfast in her optimism that everything would work out in the end.

  They hugged goodbye in the lift; the Hendricks would be leaving while Sarah and Ruby were in Myanmar. Jason and John shook hands, making plans to grab a bite together in the coming week. They promised to all meet again, sometime soon, perhaps in Australia or back on the other side of the world.

  chapter 32

  MYANMAR

  ON THE MORNING Sarah and Ruby were set to leave for the airport to fly to Myanmar, there was a slight hitch in the plan. Su Lin and Jocelyn, along with their daughters, had taken the pre-dawn flight earlier that day, taking with them the suitcases filled with all the toy and book donations. Unfortunately, the suitcases were all being held at customs at Yangon International Airport. Jocelyn and the girls stayed with the suitcases, while Su Lin passed through immigration and sent Sarah an urgent message that the customs officers were demanding a duty of 10% of the value of the goods being brought in, an amount which they were currently trying to determine.

  Sarah did a quick search on the Myanmar Customs Department website and saw that they needed to provide a written letter of acceptance confirming that the goods being brought in were used, and for donation purposes only. She hastily reached out to Thein, their local coordinator, who raced over to the airport as fast as possible with the required document.

  She breathed a sigh of relief when she finally received word from Su Lin that Jocelyn, the girls, and the goods had been cleared, just as she and Ruby boarded their plane.

  Sarah, Ruby, and the two teachers were met at Yangon International Airport by a young tour guide wearing round glasses, who had been sent by Thein. He helped them with their luggage and showed them to their van, whose driver was waiting in it at the terminal kerbside.

  Driving in Myanmar was truly unique, the guide told them; as it had been a British colony before 1948, the cars had right-hand steering and originally drove on the left side of the road. But in 1970, the military general in charge, who would rule the country for over two decades, declared that all traffic should drive on the right. Second-hand cars from Japan continued to be imported, however, resulting in it being probably the only country in the world in which the driver sat on the right and also drove on the right, making for some pretty precarious passing conditions.

  Yangon, the largest city in Myanmar and former capital of the country until 2005, was positively bustling; the streets overflowed with people riding bikes, trishaws and mopeds, hanging off buses and crowded into vans, even sitting at low tables set up by street cafés, occasionally having to get up and pick up their chairs and tables when a larger van or truck wanted to pass through. Many of the men wore longyi, a garment resembling a skirt and tied in a large knot at the front; the women wore neck-covering tops and tightly-wrapped skirts as well.

  The driver navigated skilfully through the traffic and dropped them at their hostel, where they reunited with the rest of the team, and received a first-hand account of the drama at customs.

  “Chloe was distraught,” Jocelyn said, pointing towards her younger daughter. “She started crying at customs, saying, ‘But the nuns won’t get their toys!’” Sarah gave the girl a hug and said, reassuringly, “It all worked out, though, didn’t it?”

  It started raining shortly after they arrived; their group of eight from Singapore gathered under the covered picnic-style tables in the hostel’s front courtyard and met Thein and his local volunteer team. They were young and energetic, all speaking English quite well and would spend the next two weeks gravitating towards Sarah and Ruby, eager to hear and learn from their American accents.

  The two female tour guides, Min and Sanda, were both beautiful, and wore elegantly styled, wrapped Burmese dresses on their slim figures; the two men, Thu and Htun, both wore glasses and traditional longyi in dark-coloured patterns. They were led by Thein, a thin, long-faced man who made his money as a tour guide but truly had a heart of gold – when he was not out on tours, he was visiting local schools and orphanages, doing everything he could to help his people, Su Lin said. Later, Sarah would learn that Thein and his wife had been married for more than 10 years but did not have children; she didn’t press on the reasons why, but she suspected this fact contributed to his incredible generosity.

  They reviewed the syllabus for the next two weeks – Thein and his team would be acting as translators during the teaching sessions – and the Singapore team practised a few Burmese words they had looked up before the trip: mingalar ba was hello, tin ba de thank you. Ruby and her friends started chanting the phrases as they ran around the courtyard, happily playing tag in the rain.

  Later in the afternoon, the foreman of the renovation crew arrived, an older man with a slow gait and a warm smile. He shook hands with Sarah and the team and shared with them his plans for the roof replacement and other minor repairs they had been discussing, which he and his crew were scheduled to complete during the next two weeks.

  Everyone talked and laughed through the afternoon into the evening; there was a natural chemistry between the two groups, despite the cultural and age differences. As dusk fell, the hostel’s lovely French owners brought out bowls of traditional shan noodles, fresh mango and pitchers of cold water. Ruby and the girls retreated inside, building an intricate fort among the rows of bunkbeds in their hostel room.

  The next day, after waking early and being picked up by Thein and his driver, they arrived at the nunnery. As they stopped along the dirt road to the entrance, they were greeted by a large group of young nuns, who all had shaved heads and were wearing pink robes, just like in the photos they had seen. The nuns were smiling, waving and clapping, excited to meet the visitors from Singapore whom Thein had no doubt prepped them for. They reached their hands out as the group walked in, some little ones even holding out both hands to be picked up. The young teachers, Ms Tan and Ms Wei, without daughters of their own, quickly scooped up the smallest two of the lot, producing beaming smiles on all four of their faces.

  Thein’s team arrived separately as Sarah was setting up the projector in the classroom, which was located on the ground floor of the nunnery’s main building. The upstairs hall of that building served as sleeping quarters for the younger nuns, each having a trunk for her personal belongings, including a bedroll that was rolled out at night and put away neatly back in the trunk in the morning.

  Sarah gave a brief introduction of their group, pausing every few sentences for Thein to translate. She instructed the daughters, TAs for the next two weeks, to station themselves at the end of each row of desks to be on hand to help the students when necessary.

  She started her first English lesson, the ABCs, which many of the students knew already, singing the alphabet song but slurring through the L-M-N-O-P section. She went slowly through the name and sound of each letter, reciting a rhyme with corresponding hand gestures. They broke up into smaller groups, and each of the TAs, who had lear
ned the rhyme beforehand, taught it to her own small group.

  After coming back to the larger group, Sarah asked if any of the students wanted to come to the front of the class to recite the rhyme they had just learned. She was thrilled when several hands shot up, and asked them all to stand up and say it together, which they did, hands moving enthusiastically and mouths forming each sound carefully.

  After the hour-long English class, they took a short break, then Jocelyn taught an elementary science lesson about the importance of hygiene, showing them how to properly wash their hands and brush their teeth. Thein’s young tour guides were expert translators, starting to speak in Burmese even before Jocelyn had finished each sentence.

  Ms Wei then led their first art lesson, which was to make standing name tags spelling their names out using English letters that they had just learned from Sarah, to be placed on their desks for the next two weeks. She had a bag full of stickers, stampers, coloured paper, hole-punchers, in dozens of designs, which the students were elated over, some covering their entire name tags so that their names could not even be seen. The TAs made their own name tags as well, writing their English names carefully on the front, and asking Thein to help them write their names in Burmese on the other side.

  Finally, Ms Tan conducted a fantastic music hour, engaging all the girls, TAs included, in song after song of fun and giggles, not requiring any translation, music being an easy bridge between their two cultures. Sarah stood back and admired the work of a true professional.

  The next two weeks flew by in a flurry of activity. Mornings were spent teaching, with at least one or two of Thein’s team available for translating, the rest out working their tour guide jobs. Afternoons were spent observing the building renovation work while the TAs played by themselves, as the young nuns had to go out to beg for their daily alms.