The Bad Karma Diaries

by Bridget Hourican

  I think maybe she is now a celeb like Tommy. God! How am I going to handle this? I meant to help her, not to promote her.

  Next I know J.P. will want to song her!

  I had better ask Anna’s mum how to handle these (perhaps inevitable) Feelings of Envy and Dissatisfaction.

  But I was delighted when Justine told mum all about it. She gave me full credit for coming up with the idea, which I didn’t really (Anna did). I looked modest and sisterly. Mum was thrilled. She hugged us and said she was proud of us both. I think she meant it. I guess if you are a mum you are as proud of your daughter for being a boring thing like kind-hearted, as for being an exciting thing, like a singer.

  The Most Momentous Day of Term, maybe of The Year, maybe of Our Lives (to date!) – wasn’t even over yet. There is a postscript which I will write later, or maybe tomorrow or maybe the next day, because I am about to pass out from the effort and concentration involved in all this writing. And I need to wrap my presents …

  FRIDAY DECEMBER 25TH

  Christmas Day!

  I am so bloated by food and drink – two glasses of champagne! – I really can’t write. But I summoned up enough energy to write in the blog, because it would be very wrong not to wish happy Christmas to our loyal and faithful readers, so here’s what I wrote, and it will have to do for this diary too:

  Posted up on blog at 19:43

  Happy Christmas everyone!

  I have eaten: breakfast: croissants (2), glass of orange juice with (small) glass of champagne (this is called Buck’s Fizz). Dinner: turkey (2 slices breast, half leg), stuffing, roast potatoes, more stuffing, cranberry sauce, brussels sprouts (two, had to force them down), more stuffing, salad, ham (two slices), more stuffing, pudding, champagne (1 glass), marzipan, chocolates …

  So you see, am bloated with food and drink and it is a wonder I have enough energy to type, and please do not expect me to write anything witty!

  This morning we went to the soup kitchen – me, and Hefto, and my little sister.

  It was a special Christmas soup kitchen. The shops gave us loads of delicious food. There was turkey and stuffing and pudding, the full Christmas dinner. There was not so much chopping. No carrots! (Lucky homeless and lucky me!). I just had to top and tail Brussels sprouts (not so lucky homeless, and not so lucky me!), and peel potatoes.

  A choir came in to sing. My little sister joined the choir and got to sing one verse of Silent Night all on her own because she was the smallest person there, and because she sings like an angel, and everyone said, aaahhh ….

  As presents I got: from Santa: sparkly hair clips, leggings, mini-dress (Topshop), book (The Diary of Anne Frank)

  From my sister: CD of Christmas carols [very cute present! Singing reminds me of her.]

  From my parents: An iPod!

  From Hefto: t-shirt (Topshop) with silhouette of face probably belonging to a Famous Icon From the Past (no! Not Marilyn Monroe! Someone Else). Gorgeous, but embarrassing! Did not get her anything! Forgot to tell her mine and Bomb’s pact – we never buy each other Christmas presents, Bomb initiated this because she has so many brothers and sisters, if she had to get me something too she would run out of a) money and b) time.

  Posted up on blog at 19:55

  Xenawarrior cleaner

  So you’re stuffed then?

  Posted up on blog at 20:38

  Hefto’s post:

  Demise, do not worry, I did not expect a present from you! I just felt like getting you something. I hope this is not embarrassing you!

  Happy Christmas all you people out there. We are not having Turkey and stuffing (what is stuffing???) We are having curry …

  Posted up on blog at 21:12

  ZeeZee:

  Do you guys ever think of anything but songing and stuffing? (but happy Christmas anyway).

  Posted up on blog at 22:10

  Demise’s post:

  Sigh! Since you ask, on Friday we got one over the Bullies. But I don’t like to big up my charity work …

  Posted up on blog at 22:42

  Bomb’s post:

  From my sister: book [The Master and Margherita, by Bulgakov]

  From my eldest brother: poster [from the Soviet Union! Red, white and black! Very Cool!]

  From my second brother: A Zippo lighter [second-hand but really cool! It is not for me to light cigarettes, he says, it is for making a fire if I get stuck overnight in a wood (as you do…)]

  From my parents: bike [but great bike, freestyle, i.e. no brakes, just back-peddle brakes, very streamlined frame.]

  From Hefto: t-shirt (thanks Hefto!).

  SATURDAY 26TH DECEMBER

  Posted on blog at 13:14:

  Happy Stephen’s Day!

  Still eating: sandwiches made with ham and turkey and stuffing, cold roast potatoes, marzipan crumbs… listening to Amy Whitehouse on iPod (latest song is frankly so-so!) and reading Diary of Anne Frank (good!)

  Posted on blog at 13:18

  Pippa:

  Still with the stuffing?

  Posted on blog at 13:53

  CuriousinDenver:

  What is this Stephen’s Day? – Boxing Day, surely?

  Posted on blog at 14:13

  Bomb’s post:

  We say Stephen’s Day …

  Gonna test my bike by freewheelin’ to your house, Demise

  SUNDAY 27TH DECEMBER

  OK. The stuffing’s all gone! Food and present interlude over! I will not make you wait the twelve days of Christmas to find out how The Most Momentous Day of Term ended …

  So last Friday after The Triumph of All our Plans and The Routing of the Bullies we were going to Wesley, which is a disco which Keith goes to. He wanted Anna to come and she wanted us to come, and because it was the last day of term I was allowed. And obviously Keith’s friend, David Leydon was there, and he brought his friends, Derek and Brian. So …

  You’ve guessed. Something has definitely got into Derek, I don’t know what, maybe he got lessons from J.P., because he wasn’t looking at me with quite that shiny, hopeful, enthusiastic look. He looked more cheeky.

  Soon as he saw me, he said, ‘Hey, you said you’d be wearing leopard-skin and fake-fur …’

  I said, ‘That only works on the catwalk. It’s unwearable, unfortunately.’

  He said, ‘But you saved the jacket? It was genius.’

  Then he sang, ‘Now I’ve got arms …’ and kind of grabbed my shoulders, so I sang back at him (but not as well as Justine). And that was it, really. I mean that was me agreeing to his game. So when later he said did I want to dance, I said yes and I knew what I was saying yes to. So …

  First I couldn’t think where to put my arms – round his neck, or round his waist? (Yes, let’s get together, but how exactly do we use those arms?) There should be lessons in this. But I remembered it was called necking, for a reason I guess, so I put them round his neck, and he grabbed me round the waist. It was not so frantic a kiss as my first Irish College kiss. It was more promising – a little bit enthusiastic and hopeful, but also a little bit cheeky. We crushed against the wall like the other couples for two whole songs (ha! another good reason for calling it songing – cause you do it to songs). When we stopped, I wasn’t quite sure what to do. I mean it’s pretty hard to just start talking about the music or something after that. There should be lessons in this too. We smiled a bit uncertainly at each other and wandered off to find the others.

  He tried to hold my hand, and I fluttered it away from him because he isn’t my boyfriend and I don’t know if I want him to be my boyfriend, but he didn’t put up with that, he reached for my hand again, and I moved away again, so then he said menacingly, ‘Well, I’ve got arms’ and put an arm around me, so I said ‘And I’ve got arms’ and knocked his arm off me. I can see we’re going to be using our arms a lot to make jokes to push away the embarrassment!

  Then he said, ‘Dave fancies your friend Heeun.’

  I said, ‘Oh’ and thought about this. There was no exp
losion of jealousy. So obviously I never actually fancied David Leydon. Not really fancied. Not like J.P. ‘Well, he should tell her so,’ I said impatiently.

  ‘He wants me to tell you to tell her,’ said Derek.

  ‘Well that’s lame,’ I said, ‘but sure, whatever.’ I sounded kind of annoyed. Maybe I did fancy David Leydon? But I think it’s more that I was unimpressed by his cowardly tactics. I think I wanted him to be stronger and cooler and more confident than he actually is.

  Anyway I did tell Heeun and she just giggled. She didn’t song anyone although I think she was asked to dance (a.k.a., to song) a lot. I think she is gonna be like me (well like I was), way choosy (actually, I have to admit, she has more to be choosy about then I ever did, which is lucky for her. Because frankly there’s no point being choosy, unless you’ve got lots to be choosy about. Otherwise it’s not choosy, it’s rejected).

  Keith is still Anna’s boyfriend. For the moment.

  MONDAY 28TH DECEMBER

  Wrote up our last day of school on the blog:

  Okay people, Christmas stuffing over. Wanna hear about our last day at school? It was Charity Day. We raised €110 for charity at our stall. Our stall was a fashion stall. We took old clothes and sold them on.

  Some people have a strange idea of what is acceptable to sell on. Jeans rubbed down to the bum anyone?

  Another stall was the kissing stall. You paid to kiss whoever was in it. Hefto went in. She got loads of paying kissers. (Just a peck, not songing).

  Later that night at a disco Demise kissed (songed!) for FREE. Charity did not benefit. She is so selfish!

  But the most important thing we did is: vanquished bullies by a three-pronged attack. We cannot say more in case someone from our school reads this. But here is our advice: when vanquishing bullies you must a) inform authority, b) wreak private vengeance [i.e. injure the bully in some way, but make sure you don’t get caught!] and c) big up the victim [i.e. improve their self-confidence by concentrating on what they do really really well].

  This approach will certainly work. From us to you, for free: Beating the Bully™.

  TUESDAY DECEMBER 29TH

  Oh whoa! Jesus! Well …!

  At Anna’s today we went up to the computer to log onto the blog to read our comments. Well, there were the usual:

  ZeeZee:

  Glad you’ve found a way to bring your two obsessions, songing and charity together, but girls, I don’t think charity demands that of you

  CuriousinDenver:

  Thanks for the Christmas present, girls. Looking forward to Beating the Bully™ – have you patented it?

  And a few more messages like that, just the usual. But then there was this:

  DriftinginDublin:

  Bomb, Demise and Hefto, you don’t specify but I guess you live in Ireland – you left clues – Stephen’s Day, Taoiseach – and I’m guessing it’s Dublin … well I live there too! So let’s meet up!

  ‘Anna!’ I squealed.

  It was incredible, weird, just plain bizarre reading that. Our readers seem so far away, so remote, little words on a screen. And now … it was like a hand – a real, fleshy hand – had reached out from the screen and grabbed us. Or like one of our toys stood up and started talking. Or like a character in a book walked out from the pages and addressed us.

  Truth is we didn’t really think Xena or ZeeZee or curiousinDenver or any of them was actually real. Not a person you could meet.

  But once I’d absorbed the shock I thought, well yeah, it could be fun to meet driftinginDublin.

  ‘Where will we meet? In the shopping centre?’ I giggled.

  But Anna was looking way serious, very, very serious, ‘Denise,’ she said, ‘what happens if he’s … forty!’

  ‘Forty!’ I said, ‘why would he want to meet us if he’s forty. He knows we’re at school …’

  Then I stopped, appalled. My mouth hung open. I was remembering those articles I’ve read. This is exactly how dodgy forty-year-olds do meet school girls. Through the internet! This was terrifying! It wasn’t just a hand reaching out to us. It was a criminal hand.

  ‘Who says it’s a he?’ I said finally.

  ‘We don’t know,’ said Anna, ‘that’s the point, isn’t it? We just don’t know.’

  ‘We could ask him … her,’ I said.

  ‘Like he’s gonna tell the truth,’ said Anna impatiently.

  ‘But maybe it is a school girl. Or a school guy,’ I said longingly, ‘he might be amazing.’

  ‘Oh for God’s sake!’ said Anna.

  ‘We’d have to get our parents to come to the meeting,’ I admitted, ‘or Renata!’ I preferred that idea. Renata wouldn’t compromise our street cred as much as parents.

  ‘Like she’d bother,’ said Anna, ‘this is Renata you’re talking about. Did you have her confused with Meg from Little Women?’

  I giggled.

  ‘But you’re right about the parents,’ said Anna. ‘We’d better tell them now.’

  ‘Tell them … now!’ I said.

  ‘Denise,’ said Anna, ‘If it is a … lepidopterist who’s trying to catch a school girl to pin her to a slide, he has to be stopped.’

  ‘A lepidopterist!’ I shouted, ‘A lecherous lepidopterist!’

  So that was the hand coming out from the screen. A hand with a net trying to catch butterflies …

  ‘Oh my God! Warn Heeun!’ I cried hysterically.

  ‘Calm down!’ said Anna, ‘He doesn’t even know where we live yet.’

  So we went downstairs to her kitchen, where actually everyone was. The whole family. Because her Dad was on holidays.

  So we explained and then everyone trooped up to have a look at the blog. They read bits out. Which was mortifying! We should have censored first! Luckily nobody actually read out the bit about Heeun’s party and Anna switching boyfriends.

  ‘Jesus Christ!’ said Renata, ‘What fresh hell is this? You’re not just lurching from crisis to crisis like the government … you’re Zimbabwe – a total illegal mess.’

  We waited. ‘Oh, Renata!’ said her mother, but good-natured. It seemed like she could hardly keep from laughing. Everyone kept reading out bits from the blog and laughing. It was mortifying! I wished we hadn’t told them.

  But then Anna’s dad said heavily, ‘I am not happy about men, or even boys, sitting in bedsits, sweating over my daughter’s accounts of kissing.’

  We gulped and the mood changed.

  Anna’s mum said, yes, it was ill-advised to communicate with total strangers without your parents’ knowledge, and there was a reason Facebook protects your profile so that only approved people can read it etc. She said of course we imagined our readers were our own age and probably lots of them were, but we’d no way of knowing, that was problem. Then everyone discussed, like we weren’t there, what we should do about it.

  Renata said we’d created a Greek chorus and it was genius and we should just keep going! (Anna smirked at me then, really proud).

  And their mum said yes, it was an impressive narrative, and maybe if we kept the parents in the loop … but their dad said it was a frivolous waste of time and a potential risk.

  In the middle of all the arguing, I just looked at Anna and she nodded and we said, ‘It’s fine, we’ll close it down,’ and then we put on the faces of long-suffering martyrs, although actually I knew we were both looking for an excuse to shut it down.

  How will our readers cope? I feel bad about them, but I also feel released. It was a burden having to meet those expectations every day.

  WEDNESDAY 30TH DECEMBER

  Went round to Heeun’s. We told her the sad news of the blog. She said, ‘Oh no! Awful! It will be ishikoro.’

  ‘What’s “ishikoro”?’ we asked.

  ‘It’s a Japanese word for abandoned blogs,’ said Heeun. ‘It means “pebbles”. You know like pebbles you pick up by the sea and then chuck away. Japan is full of abandoned blogs. It has thousands and thousands of ishikoro!’

  We
contemplated all these blogs chucked by the wayside. It made me feel very sad, and more guilty than ever over our poor little blog.

  ‘What happens to them?’ I asked.

  ‘I think they just drift in cyberspace,’ said Heeun.

  Horrible! Even Anna was looking a bit choked up at the thought of our poor little ishikoro drifting round cyberspace for ever.

  ‘We’d better explain,’ I said heavily. We needed to post one last time to say goodbye and thanks to our readers.

  Actually of course they were one step ahead of us.

  CuriousinDenver:

  Bomb, Demise and Hefto! You do know it’s very unwise to meet strangers who contact you through the internet. drifitinginDublin, who ARE you? Why don’t you tell the girls which school you’re in? Your name? And gender?

  ‘Good old CuriousinDenver’ I said. ‘Who needs parents or the police?’

  We wrote:

  This will be our last entry ever. Our parents are thinking like curiousinDenver. Maybe driftinginDublin is a lecherous lepidopterist! So we have to stop writing and this poor little blog is gonna be an ishikoro floating in cyberspace forever, which makes us very SAD. But thank you for reading and commenting. You were a lot of fun and a bit of help. Maybe we will all be in touch again in four years time when we are over eighteen and can do what we like. Much love, xxx Bomb, Demise, and Hefto p.s. if you do prescriptive texting, you might find out our real names. p.p.s Happy New Year!

  THURSDAY 31ST DECEMBER

  Keith has invited us to his New Year’s Eve party. So I will see Derek, and Heeun will see David Leydon, and let’s see what happens!

  Our parents are so relieved that we’re meeting boys our own age that they’re letting us stay till half one in the morning to see in the New Year! We’re not going to the party till 10pm anyway. We are having a New Year’s Eve dinner at home in my house first. Anna and Heeun are coming.