What Piper Needs

by Amanda Abbott

  The bubble started as Jace typed.

  HEY, MOCKING MY BREW WILL NOT GET YOU FREE USE OF MY TOOLS IN THE FUTURE. SEE YOU AT 6.

  It was three fifteen.

  Michael headed up to the library, thinking about Piper and a particular service elevator he couldn’t wait to get back into, readjusting his hard-on as he went.

  20

  __________________________

  ____________

  “Then Larry started to cry!” Piper exclaimed to the women seated around. “Seriously, he broke down right in front of me. It was the saddest thing I’ve ever seen. I took everything over from that point. The guy was behaving like the company already had one foot in the grave and clients were going to fire us left and right.”

  “So what did you do?” Caroline asked. She was seated next to Gillian. The contrast between the two was like night and day. Caroline was soft and blonde, Gillian hard and dark. They’d met for the first time twenty minutes ago, and Piper had witnessed a genuine admiration form between them immediately. Mostly because Caroline had gone head-to-head with Gillian from the start, both of them bandying retorts back and forth. Piper could tell Caroline had been apprehensive about meeting Gillian, but that had faded as soon as Gillian had opened her mouth and asked Caroline what kind of a Stepford wife she was, to which Caroline had replied, “The kind that swallows.” Gillian had been duly impressed. And so had Piper.

  “I called an all-company meeting, of course,” Piper told them. “I spelled out all the implications to all the employees if this information ever got out—including none of us having a job anymore. I played down Rory’s role as pimp extraordinaire and equated him to a hipster trying to fulfill a deluded fantasy. By the time the day ended, everything seemed pretty back to normal. Larry was so happy with me he told me he was giving me a bonus, which he deemed ‘a cool in the time of crisis’ bonus.” Piper took a sip of her martini. “I have no idea if he was serious, but I’ll take it. I still can’t believe our Web developer is a pimp. Well, former Web developer, because he is so fired. Do pimps do hard jail time?”

  “Don’t look at me,” Gillian said, holding up her hands. “I have no idea. I don’t have regular dealings with prostitutes or pimps.”

  “I think it’s a felony,” Emma said. “Each state is different, but I’d think if he was running something that big, and they could prove it, he’d do some time.”

  “I don’t get how they wore masks and weren’t stopped by security. They had to see them on the cameras,” Caroline said. “That seems odd.”

  “Oh, I forgot to tell you!” Piper said. “It seems one of the security guys was in on it. I’m not sure which one, but that must’ve been why one of the cameras was out in the parking garage. I’m sure the girls came in that way. Because of that, we’re all getting these high-tech cards coded with our information, and they’re adding more cameras all over. I’m so glad I had my happy-fun-time before all this happened.” Piper waved the waitress over. When she arrived, Piper said, “We’d like to order some appetizers.” She gave the woman the order they’d decided on, and once she was gone, she addressed the group again. “Okay, other than to share my juicy work gossip, the other reason I wanted to meet is that I’m in need of some serious advice. I’ve talked to each of you, some of you multiple times, but I’m really struggling.”

  “What’s going on?” Caroline asked.

  “Michael and I had a very sweet night the other night, and I love what we’ve got going on, but I have a confession to make.” She glanced around the table, then down at her drink. “I’m totally scared that I’m going to have a relapse if I push the agenda I want too far.”

  “A relapse in what manner?” Emma asked.

  Piper shifted in her seat. “You all know to some extent what happened to me in the past. My breakdown happened a long time ago, but just to sum it up, I had a bit of a crisis when I had sex with Pete all those years ago. It sent me spiraling down into a deep, dark hole. Since then I haven’t really enjoyed sex as much as I used to. That’s not true—I have enjoyed it, but I’ve chosen, almost without realizing it, to be a passive participant, something Marianne always warned me I was doing, but I refused to listen. But, honestly, I was too scared to change anything after the breakdown, for fear I’d experience that same crushing feeling again. It really was horrible.” She glanced around the group. “It was out of my control completely, a visceral reaction I couldn’t stop. It felt like I couldn’t breathe for days. I don’t have to tell all of you that I value control in my life, so this really freaked me out. I didn’t think I’d recover. But”—she held up a finger—“lately all that has slipped away. I’m happy to tell you that when I’m with Michael, I finally feel normal again. I love the new path we’re on, but it’s still a little rocky. I think I’m holding back—no, I know I am. I don’t want to, but what it boils down to is, I’m still really scared, but this time I’m scared to ruin it.” She spread her arms open. “So there you have it.”

  Gillian was the first to respond. “I get it, Piper. I really do. I’d be surprised if any of us were immune to that feeling with our own husbands. We’ve all chosen to live on the edge in terms of sex and pleasure. And that in and of itself makes us vulnerable to massive insecurities. I came into this lifestyle early—like teens early. I knew I liked it my way. But that doesn’t stop me from feeling withdrawn and unhappy on occasion, or overthinking what the world thinks of me. But it’s one of those things where after I accept I’m having an off day, I allow myself to forgive myself for being who I am. That way I’m able to keep those feelings at bay. You can, too.”

  Caroline nodded along to what Gillian was saying. “You know my story all too well,” Caroline said. “Having just gone through it, it’s still very raw for me. That’s why Jace and I aren’t seeking out anything more than the two of us right now. I’ve come to accept who I am, slowly, and I feel much stronger for it. But I’m still taking those baby steps you drilled into my head. Without those, I’d be a mess. Every day is a new level of acceptance for me, and some days are harder than others. But, overall, like Gillian said, I finally feel like I have control over my emotions.”

  Emma leaned over the table, lowering her voice since the waitress had just stopped at the next table. “Piper, you’re someone who loves being in control, and you’re so confident in all other aspects of your life. This is the only place you’ve stumbled. But that doesn’t mean you can’t get that control back. Like everyone here is saying, you really have to accept that what you did with my husband wasn’t a bad thing. If you can let it go, and embrace it as something good instead, maybe you’ll feel less…uncertain moving forward.”

  Caroline set her drink down. “If you think back, can you identify exactly what you felt after you were with”—she cleared her throat—“Pete? I felt shame. Like I’d cheated on my husband by receiving pleasure from another man. I felt that I’d broken our marriage vows. The feeling in my chest was so tight, I couldn’t think straight—hell, I couldn’t even see straight. I still have a hard time remembering what happened exactly after the encounter. But you’re the one who helped me through it by challenging me to see that Jace and I didn’t share the same viewpoints on the matter. That was a huge deal for me. Jace was coming at it from a totally different place, and I had heaped all my insecurities on him, thinking he was internalizing it like I was. If you can identify the trigger, maybe you can get past it once and for all?”

  Piper thought about it for a moment.

  It was hard for her to recall that specific time in her life without feeling panic in her chest. She glanced around at her friends, all of them waiting for her to respond, and smiled. She felt safe here. “Honestly, I think right after it happened, I felt like I would never be enough for Michael. It’s so weird, because the overall experience was good.” She glanced at Emma. “Your husband is very sexy and knows how to give pleasure. Everyone had a good time. It didn’t really hit me until I couldn’t get up the next morning. Instead, I was assa
ulted by visions of Michael shaking his head at me and this deep feeling that I had failed.”

  “But Michael was happy that night,” Emma said. “I remember it distinctly. But I also remember that you weren’t your usual spunky self when we were done. I told Pete after you left that I didn’t know if you’d be up for it again. Then we didn’t see you guys for about a year. But you did eventually come back, and you seemed happy. But the first thing you told us, unequivocally, was that you wouldn’t be having sex with anyone—including your husband—during our encounters. That was a change, but we rolled with it.”

  Gillian drummed her fingers on the table. “I have a thought. Piper, your husband is really good-looking—like, ridiculously so. That man should at least get a bad haircut once in a while so we can all feel adequate in our own lives.”

  Piper grinned. “Yeah, I know. He’s dreamy.”

  “Your feelings of not being enough for him might stem from that. You’ve always gotten off on other women craving him, wanting him, and him getting off on them. But is that how you truly felt? Or is that what you thought you deserved?”

  “Deserved? How you do mean?” Piper asked.

  Gillian placed her elbow on the table. “You know me, I’m going to say whatever I want, so take it with a grain of salt. But when you first met Michael, did you think, ‘Hey, this is a great match for me. He’s totally my equal!’ Or did you think, ‘Wow, this guy is way too good-looking for me. I’d be lucky to land him, but even if I do, he’s never going to be into me’?”

  Piper reflected for a moment. “You know, now that I think about it, the first two things that went through my head the first time I saw him were: ‘I want to fuck this guy so bad, and even if I get one night it will be enough,’ and ‘He will never be satisfied with only me.’ Michael was a player before I met him. But so was I. I never faulted him for that. It was just the way it was.”

  Caroline slapped her palm on the table. “That’s it! You’ve subconsciously sabotaged your own feelings right from the get-go. For your entire marriage you’ve felt inadequate, thinking Michael would always desire other people! So you convinced yourself that you’re turned on by what you thought Michael wanted. But it’s not what he really wanted! Oh, this is so good. We’re finally getting to the gooey center.”

  Gillian turned to Caroline. “The gooey center? What are they, a couple of lollipops?” Gillian couldn’t suppress her grin. “You’re like if Sesame Street started producing furry orgies.”

  Caroline snorted. “Hey, it’s taken a lot of licking to finally get to this center, so they just might be lollipops. But that’s neither here nor there. What Piper needs to do now is figure out what she wants independently of what she thinks Michael wants, and then do it. If she can survive that without breaking down, and thinking she’s going to lose her husband, she’s on her way to being healed!” Caroline glanced excitedly at Piper. “I really think this is going to work!”

  Piper started to laugh.

  Caroline’s face was so sweet and earnest.

  But Piper was laughing because the relief was overwhelming. Caroline was totally right. “When did you get so intuitive?” Piper asked her pal. “I think you’ve been holding out on me. I should’ve just confessed all my sins to you the day you moved in next door, and it would’ve saved me a lot of time and energy in the stress department.”

  Caroline picked up her gin and tonic. “Oh, no, if you would’ve told me back then, I would’ve been totally aghast. Jace and I would’ve likely moved. I would’ve been too intimidated by you.” She took a sip and set her glass back down. “I wasn’t ready then, but I am now. The question is, what do you need in your life? What turns you on? No more taking a passive role, and no more worrying about your husband. He totally loves you. You’re his sun and moon! He’s not going to stray, and you’re not going to break up.”

  Emma nodded. “Caroline is right. You’ve always been all about Michael’s pleasure. But like I told you at lunch a few weeks ago, Michael wasn’t into it like you thought. He just wanted you to be happy, so he was playing the role he thought you wanted him to play.”

  “It sounds like you were both acting the parts,” Gillian added. “Both thinking if you didn’t give each other what the other wanted, you would drift apart or fall out of love. It’s kind of romantic in a weird way. These two beautiful souls who come together and try their best to make the other one happy, even though they’re both going against what they truly desire.”

  Piper tried to speak, but there was a lump in her throat.

  All the things they were saying rang true.

  She just hadn’t wanted to see it. She’d been so worried about losing Michael all these years that she’d become passive to make sure he had what he needed.

  The waitress came at that moment and set down their food.

  The girls busied themselves scooping it onto small plates. Once Piper had her plate full, she folded her hands in front of her and said, “I want to thank all of you. You’re all right. The root of this is that I’ve been fearful that I would never be good enough for Michael. It was love at first sight for me. He was—is everything I ever wanted in a man. Hot, sexy, smart, funny. I think I convinced myself right then and there that he would never feel the same way about me. Our first time together was just too perfect, almost surreal. Then we got married, and I couldn’t believe my luck.” She shook her head and took a bite of her flatbread. After she finished chewing, and trying to swallow around her still tight throat, she glanced around. The girls were patiently waiting for her to finish. “Instead of doing what I wanted, I did what I thought he wanted, so he’d continue to love me. But in the end I was miserable. It ended up pushing us apart anyway. This past year has been really tough.”

  Caroline reached across the table and grabbed on to her hand. “What you don’t see, that we all see clearly, is that Michael is deeply in love with you. And I mean the man couldn’t be more smitten. He’d do anything for you. You’re his person. His perfect soul mate. I think if you asked him, he’d tell you he’s been as miserable as you’ve been all this time. Now you guys are finally back on a track, and that’s wonderful.”

  “Yes, and as much as it’s work, the top ten was the spark you needed to be you again,” Emma said. “It was a great catalyst. But I think you originally did it because you thought it would make Michael happy, right?”

  Piper nodded. “Right. I love the sex, but I hate that it feels planned. Just like all those years of setting stuff up ahead of time. We had the best sex ever the night we went to Le Repas. We went at it in the service elevator like when we first met. It was amazing. That’s what I want. More of that. To feel free, happy, and get my much-needed adrenaline rush.”

  “So what are you going to do now?” Gillian asked. “Just like Caroline asked you before, what turns you on? Independently of Michael. And I just have to say here that I respect you for what you did for your guy, consciously or not. I’m the polar opposite of you. I do everything I want, and everyone else can fuck off. But now that you’re bringing all this up, I don’t even know if Brad loves what we do. He seems into it, but is he really? That’s something for me to ponder. I love my man, but I’m also one selfish bitch.” She took a drink of her beer. “I don’t know if I could even change my ways if I found out he wasn’t into it.” She shook her head. “I’m going to have to do some soul searching of my own.”

  Piper grunted. “I’m selfish in all other areas, believe me. I want what I want, when I want it. I don’t even know if kids are in the cards for us because I like my life to myself. But that’s a discussion for another time. But what turns me on? Just me? God, that’s a good question. I’ve been in the same holding pattern for so long, I’m not even sure. The first thing that pops into my mind is I want to do something brand new and exciting. I want to be floored and totally surprised by sex, and not worry, at all, for one second, about my husband’s pleasure. But at the same time I want to surprise him. To tell you the honest truth, I’m so tire
d of being worried about my sex life and my marriage, I just want to be. Does that make sense?”

  There was nodding all around.

  “It makes total sense,” Emma said. “And if this works for you, I might need to take a page out of your book and try it for myself. Like you, I’m constantly wondering if Pete is happy, if he’s turned on enough, if what we’re doing makes him happy. It’s exhausting. I think I’m in the same boat. What he and I really need is a vacation.”

  “Then take one,” Gillian urged. “There’s nothing like getting away for a while to figure out what you like about each other—and don’t. Vacation is the ultimate equalizer.”

  “Michael and I took a minitrip not too long ago,” Piper said. “But we weren’t in the right head space to figure anything out. My husband’s workload is always heavy, so we’re never able to go on a long trip. But I agree with Gillian. You should plan something big and fun. Total relaxation and lots of sex!”

  “I agree wholeheartedly, Emma. You deserve a vacation.” Caroline addressed Piper. “What’s at the top of your wish list for sex? Maybe you can incorporate that into your top ten as the very last thing you do? Once it’s over, you tell Michael everything and get it all off your chest. It’s kind of a must to talk to him. If you don’t do that, you can’t heal this old wound.”

  Piper downed the last of her martini. “I know I’ll have to talk to him, but that doesn’t mean I want to. Thinking about telling him all this still makes me queasy. He could just as easily say this is not what he wants, then what?”

  “He’s not going to,” Caroline answered. “He’s going to be happy that you’re happy. You’re going to have to trust me on that.”

  Piper nodded.

  “She’s right, you know,” Gillian said. “Michael is going to be massively relieved when all this is settled. Once it is, you guys can start experimenting again like I know you want to. You just brought up attending an orgy the other day. That’s not for someone who wants to take a passive role in her sex life. That’s someone who wants to jump in with both feet. In fact, that’s what I think your new start should be. You go to the orgy and balls-out have a great time, and don’t worry for one second about your husband. Make it about you and your new beginning.”