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The Butterfly Jar

Page 2

by Jeff Moss

But she said, “Oh, boys, never mind.”

  “He’s obnoxious!” we said, “You should tell him!”

  But she said, “That wouldn’t be kind.”

  So next time I sit down to dinner,

  I know what I’m going to do.

  I’ll pretend that I’m Mr. Bogardus,

  And I’ll talk and I’ll sing while I chew.

  NEW CLOTHES

  New shoes, new shoes!

  Daisy loves shopping for new shoes!

  She loves each lace and heel and toe,

  She just can’t wait for her feet to grow!

  New shoes, new shoes!

  Daisy loves shopping for new shoes!

  New shirts, new shirts!

  Anthony loves shopping for new shirts!

  He loves each sleeve and button and cuff

  And pockets and collars and all that stuff!

  New shirts, new shirts!

  Anthony loves shopping for new shirts!

  New clothes, new clothes!

  Marty hates shopping for new clothes!

  He won’t go anywhere near a store,

  He’ll run in the bathroom and lock the door!

  He can’t see any reason for going,

  He wishes his body would just stop growing!

  Shopping for clothes drives Marty crazy

  (Not like Anthony or Daisy)

  It doesn’t make sense but that’s how it goes

  Some people love and some people hate

  Going out shopping for

  New clothes!

  LONDON BRIDGE

  London Bridge is falling down.

  Falling down, falling down,

  London Bridge is falling down …

  If a bridge in your town was falling down,

  Would you make up a cute little song about it?

  I hope not.

  My fair lady.

  BEDTIME

  When Polly yelled, “I won’t go to bed!”

  This is what her mother said:

  “I don’t care if you don’t go to bed!

  I don’t care if you turn off the light!

  I don’t care if you brush your teeth!

  I don’t care if you’re up all night!

  I don’t care if you’re tired in the morning!

  I don’t care if you’re awake till then!

  I don’t care if you get your rest!

  In fact, I don’t care if you ever sleep again!”

  Since Polly found this all quite boring,

  She fell asleep and started snoring.

  WHY IT WOULD BE GOOD

  TO HAVE A REALLY

  BIG FAMILY

  If I had twelve sisters

  And thirty-one brothers,

  When you got me mad

  I could play with the others!

  OLIVER’S PARENTS IN THE MORNING

  Oliver’s parents are very, very strict. This is how strict they are in the morning:

  1. When Oliver’s radio alarm goes off, Oliver’s parents say, “Oliver, turn that rock music up as loud as it will go so it wakes the whole neighborhood! Otherwise, we will be very upset with you!”

  2. At breakfast Oliver’s parents say, “Oliver, you’d better make sure you spill at least half of those Sugar Crumblies on the floor, and don’t you dare clean them up either!”

  3. After breakfast Oliver’s parents say, “Oliver, you must get dressed very, very slowly so the school bus has to honk a lot while it’s waiting for you. Otherwise, you will be in deep trouble.”

  Oliver’s parents are very, very strict. Aren’t you glad they’re not yours?

  OLIVER’S PARENTS AT BEDTIME

  Oliver’s parents are very, very strict. This is how strict they are at bedtime:

  1. At bedtime Oliver’s parents won’t let Oliver change into his pajamas until they have said, “Oliver, will you get into your pajamas!” at least six times.

  2. After they tuck him in and say good-night, Oliver’s parents won’t let him go to sleep until each of them comes in from their bedroom to bring him a glass of water.

  3. When they have company, Oliver’s parents say, “Oliver, after we kiss you good-night, you may not go to sleep! You must get up quietly and sneak downstairs, to see what’s happening at our party! Otherwise, you will be in deep trouble.”

  Oliver’s parents are very, very strict. Aren’t you glad they’re not yours?

  RACHEL

  Rachel is a loud friend.

  She loves singing loud.

  When she plays games,

  she pretends that

  She’s the ringmaster or

  the steamroller or

  The Pirate Captain or

  something else noisy.

  She likes to bang on things,

  such as

  Garbage cans, big cardboard

  boxes, and pots.

  She says someday she’ll be

  one of those people

  Who drills holes

  in the sidewalk.

  So when you want her to come over and visit you,

  Sometimes your parents say, “Rachel? Hmmm.…”

  Then you have to say,

  “She’s my best friend! We’ll stay in my room and be quiet!

  I promise! Please …”

  Then Rachel will come over and say,

  “Let’s play Explosions in Outer Space!”

  You have to say, “Not now, Rachel. Come on.

  Today let’s just read, okay?”

  Rachel is a very good friend

  But this shows that even good friends

  Can be hard sometimes.

  GRANDMA’S KISSES

  They’re the biggest, wet, juiciest kisses in town.

  When she gets you, you think that you’re going to drown.

  My brother and I always argue the worst

  To make sure Grandma kisses the other one first.

  Oh no, here she comes! Quick, let’s dodge the explosion!

  Too late! What a kiss! That’s no kiss, that’s an ocean!

  PURPLE

  If purple was the only color in the world …

  You would read about “Snow Purple and The Seven Dwarfs.”

  You would sing about

  “The Purple Grass Growing All Around, All Around,”

  And you would drink purple juice for breakfast.

  You’d write with chalk on the purpleboard,

  And cross the street when the light turned purple,

  And visit the President of the United States in the Purple House.

  You could even write a poem that begins:

  Roses are purple, violets are purple.…

  It’s a good thing there are other colors.

  THE BRAIN

  Think about this:

  You use your brain to think.

  So right now, as you’re thinking about your brain,

  You’re thinking about the thing that thinks.

  What do you think of that?

  WASHING MY NECK

  I

  have

  one

  thing

  to

  say

  about

  washing

  my

  neck—

  Blecch!

  FOUR THINGS THAT AREN’T TRUE

  When Rebecca says: “I’ll die if I don’t get invited to Robin’s party.”

  When Rebecca gets invited, and she tells Mom: “I can’t possibly go to Robin’s. I don’t have anything to wear.”

  When Rebecca says to Dad: “I’ll just go drown myself in the bathroom if I can’t stay out till midnight.”

  When Rebecca says to me, just as her date is ringing the doorbell: “If you say one single word to him, I’ll sneak into your room tonight and murder you.”

  ONE THING THAT IS TRUE

  I’ll gag if I have to eat these …

  CARROTS!!!!

  MOVING

  Mom and Dad told us we’re moving

  To a better city

  With a
nicer house

  And a better school

  With great new friends

  And even the weather will be sunnier.

  What I want to know is

  If everything’s so great where we’re moving

  How come we didn’t decide to live there in the first place?

  SARA MESSENGER’S MOTHER

  When Sara Messenger’s mother died,

  Sara went into her room and cried.

  She locked herself in and she wouldn’t eat

  But when she came out, her room was all neat

  With her bed all made and no books on the floor

  And her dolls on the shelf and her socks in the drawer.

  Her Mom had always complained of the mess.

  That’s why she straightened it up, I guess.

  And all that night when people came,

  You could tell that Sara wasn’t the same.

  A couple of weeks have passed since then,

  And I wait for Sara to come back again

  ’Cause she’s almost not Sara now, not the same one

  Who’s all laughing and goofy and jumpy and fun.

  My parents say time will pass and then

  She’ll be the same old Sara again.

  They say things happen and no one knows why

  Like babies are born and old people die

  But her Mom wasn’t old and Sara’s so sad

  And that isn’t fair and it makes me mad.

  BUGS

  A bug flew in my ear

  I couldn’t hear too well.

  A bug flew in my nose

  And then I couldn’t smell.

  A bug flew in my mouth

  And then I couldn’t talk.

  A bug flew in my shoe

  And then I couldn’t walk.

  A bug flew in my eye

  And then I couldn’t see.

  My parents called the doctor

  Oh, what was wrong with me?

  The wise old doctor said,

  “You don’t need pills or drugs.

  You’re simply suffering from

  A curious case of bugs!

  Your head is very hot

  But quick, before it’s hotter,

  I’ll reach into my bag

  And grab my big bug swatter!”

  He swatted every bug

  In my nose and shoe and eye

  And now I’m good as new …

  Except sometimes I get weird

  Whenever bugs fly by.

  MY FLOOR IS SOMEBODY’S CEILING

  My floor is somebody’s ceiling

  And my ceiling is somebody’s floor.

  So maybe my table is somebody’s chair

  And maybe my here is somebody’s there,

  And maybe my circle is somebody’s square

  And my window is somebody’s door.

  These are things I have wondered before,

  But I think that I won’t anymore.

  No, I think that I won’t anymore.

  A NIGHT I HAD TROUBLE FALLING ASLEEP

  I had a sleep-over at Eliot’s house.

  “I’ve lost my pet,” he said.

  “So please wake me up in the middle of the night

  If you find a big snake in your bed.”

  LAURA

  Laura’s new this year in school.

  She acts so opposite, it seems like a rule.

  If someone says yes, Laura says no.

  If someone says high, Laura says low.

  If you say bottom, she’ll say top.

  If you say go, she’ll always stop.

  If you say short, Laura says tall.

  If you say none, she says all.

  If you say beginning, Laura says end …

  But today she asked me to be her friend.

  I said maybe

  But not quite yes.

  Then I said, “Want to take a walk?”

  And Laura said, “I guess.”

  THE WASHING MACHINE

  There once was a boy named Eugene

  Who had a strange washing machine.

  Of the socks Gene would wear

  It ate half of each pair

  Leaving one blue, one red, and one green.

  (Which must be why Eugene wears socks that don’t match.)

  THE CUDDLIES

  “Oh, the Cuddlies! The Cuddlies!

  Beware of those terrible Cuddlies!

  Those kittens and bunnies and teddy bears

  Give us the shivers and quivers and scares!

  Lock all the doors and hurry upstairs!

  Beware of the terrible Cuddlies!”

  In Monsterland on a cold dark night

  When monster children are sleeping tight

  A wolf may howl in the yellow moonlight

  And no one is scared at all.

  But if a kitten comes into sight

  Or a furry bunny all soft and white

  Then monster children scream with fright

  And you can hear them call:

  “Oh, the Cuddlies! The Cuddlies!

  Beware of those terrible Cuddlies!

  Those kittens and bunnies and teddy bears

  Give us the shivers and quivers and scares!

  Lock all the doors and hurry upstairs!

  Beware of the terrible Cuddlies!”

  IF SHOES COULD FLY

  If shoes could fly,

  (Oh, what a treat!)

  Then we’d wear birds

  Upon our feet.

  RAIN

  Once, when I was little, I was at the beach

  And it began to rain

  So hard, drops so big you could see each one falling.

  I didn’t have my yellow raincoat with me

  Or my hat or umbrella.

  I wasn’t even wearing a shirt or shoes or socks,

  Just my bathing suit.

  The rain poured down drops so big you could feel each one hit you.

  Most people ran to keep dry,

  But not me.

  They yelled at me to come with them,

  But I just stood there getting wetter.

  I just stood there getting so wet

  And laughing.

  WHAT RALPH SAID AFTER HE ASKED HIS PARENTS FOR A DOG AND THEY EXPLAINED HOW HE WOULD HAVE TO FEED IT AND CLEAN UP AFTER IT AND WALK IT

  Instead of a puppy

  How about a guppy?

  AT THE ZOO

  We went to the zoo

  But who looked at who?

  We saw the gorilla

  Looking at Willa.

  We saw the yak

  Staring at Jack.

  We saw the cheetah

  Peering at Rita.

  We saw the snake

  Gazing at Jake.

  We saw the pony

  Glancing at Tony.

  We saw the lamb

  Catch sight of Pam.

  We saw the hippo

  Watch Ms. De Filippo.

  We saw the duck

  Peeking at Chuck.

  We saw the lion

  Glaring at Ryan.

  We saw the panda

  Observing Amanda.

  We saw the llama

  Eyeing Steve’s Mama.

  And we saw the gnu

  Smiling at you.

  That’s who looked at who

  When we went to the zoo.

  COW IN THE CITY

  A cow took a trip to the city one day.

  She nibbled on the sidewalk ’cause there wasn’t any hay.

  She mooed at the cars ’cause there weren’t any sheep.

  And at night she went to a hotel to sleep.

  She got into bed and it broke with a crash,

  So back to the country she ran in a flash,

  And safe in her barn, mooed a long happy moo.

  (If I were a cow, that’s what I’d do, too.)

  SWORD SWALLOWING

  Sword swallowing’s one nifty trick

  But it’s also as dumb as a brick

  ’Cause a sharp
blade of steel

  Isn’t much of a meal

  And the handle will make you quite sick.

  (So if you have any swords around the house, try a peanut butter and jelly sandwich instead.)

  WHAT YOU SHOULD TELL YOUR PARENTS TO CALM THEM DOWN WHEN THEY SAY, “HOW COULD ONE PERSON’S ROOM BE SUCH A COMPLETE MESS!?!?”

  I thought my floor …

  Was a drawer.

  CLEAN SHIRT

  Dad said, “Put a clean shirt on!”

  I did just what he said.

  I got a clean shirt from my drawer

  And pulled it over my head.

  So why was Dad still mad at me?

  What was it that I’d done?

  I’d simply put a clean shirt on …

  On top of my dirty one.

  WEDDINGS

  If you go to a wedding, here’s what it means,

  No one wears sneakers and no one wears jeans.

  Just your very best new clothes are all that you wear

  And everyone in your whole family is there,

  Even some cousins that you’ve never known

  And the grown-ups all say, “Oh, how much you have grown!”

  So everyone’s sitting in one big church room

  (Except Ted and Aunt Carol, the bride and groom).

  Then all of a sudden things quiet way down

  And an organ starts playing and people turn ’round

  And real slow my favorite aunt Carol walks in

  And she’s prettier now than she ever has been.

  She’s a bride and she’s really great looking today

  (When normally she just looks kind of okay).

 

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