Dave Barry Is Not Making This Up

by Dave Barry

  So in a little over five years, the people of Hong Kong—Who never got to vote on any of this—will simply be handed over to China, as though they were some kind of commodity, nothing but a load of pork bellies being traded. The Chinese leaders have promised that they won’t make any drastic changes in Hong Kong, but nobody believes this. These are, after all, the same fun dudes who gave us the Tiananmen Square massacre.

  Tick tick tick tick tick ...

  So today Hong Kong is nervous. People with money or connections are fleeing by the thousands. But millions more can’t leave, or don’t want to abandon their homeland. They’re staying, and waiting. Nobody is sure what’s coming, but it’s definitely coming. Five years. About 2,000 days, and counting. This knowledge hangs over Hong Kong like a fog, giving the city an edgy, quietly desperate, Casablanca-like feel.

  Tick tick tick tick tick ...

  Or maybe not. Maybe my imagination was just hyperactive from drinking San Miguel beer on a moody gray day and watching the harbor being whipped into whitecaps by a typhoon named-really-Fred. The truth is that, most of the time, daily Hong Kong life seemed pretty normal. People were teeming and working and shopping and eating and laughing just the way people would if they weren’t doomed to be turned over to a group of hard-eyed old murderers.

  While my family and I were there, in August, the big news story, aside from Typhoon Fred, was the trial of Hong Kong businessman Chin Chiming, accused of blackmailing actresses into having sex with him. The Hong Kong media was covering the heck out of this trial. Here’s an excerpt from the South China Morning Post story concerning a witness identified as “Mrs. D” being cross-examined by defense attorney Kevin Egan:

  Mr. Egan started by asking Mrs. D if she had noticed whether Chin’s organ was erect while they were in bed. The witness said it was.

  Mr. Egan then asked if it was “fully” erect, but prosecutor, Mr. Stuart Cotsen, objected to the question on the grounds that the witness could not be expected to know.

  Mr. Egan said the objection meant he had to ask the witness to describe Chin’s sexual organ as fully as possible.

  So apparently life goes on in Hong Kong. I highly recommend it as a travel destination, at least until 1997, although you may feel a little intimidated by the crowds until you learn how to teem. You have to get your elbows into it. I learned this one afternoon when we decided to take a ferry to Macao, which is the other non-Communist territory in China, about 40 miles west of Hong Kong. Macao is an old colony belonging to Portugal, which will turn it over to China in 1999. Gambling is legal in Macao, and a lot of Hong Kong residents regularly teem over there on ferries and go to the casinos.

  One day we went over, and when our ferry landed, the other passengers tried to kill us. OK, technically they weren’t trying to kill us; they were trying to be first in line to get through Immigration and Customs. But they did not hesitate to shove us violently out of the way. We were bouncing around like kernels in a popcorn maker and quickly became separated. Occasionally, through the crowd, I’d see my wife and son, expressions of terror on their faces, being jostled off in the general direction of the Philippines.

  I tried being polite. “Hey!” I said to a middle-age, polite-looking man behind me who was thoughtfully attempting to hasten my progress by jabbing me repeatedly in the spine with his umbrella tip. “Excuse me! I SAID EXCUSE ME, DAMMIT!”

  But we quickly learned that the only way to function in these crowds was to teem right along with everybody else. When it came time to purchase return ferry tickets, I was practically a professional. I got into the “line,” which was a formless, milling mass of people, and I leaned hard in the general direction of the ticket window. I finally got close to it, and it was clearly my turn to go next, when an old man—he had to be at least 75—started making a strong move around me from my left. I had a definite age and size advantage, but this man was good. He shoved his right elbow deep into my gut while he reached his left arm out to grasp the ticket window ledge. I leaned hard on the man sideways, and then—you can’t teach this kind of thing; you have to have an instinct for it—I made a beautiful counterclockwise spin move that got me to the window inches ahead of him. I stuck my face smack up against the window, confident I had won, but then the old man, showing great resourcefulness, stuck his head under my arm and shoved his face into the window, too. We were cheek to cheek, faces against the glass, mouths gaping and eyes bulging like two crazed carp, shouting ticket orders. unfortunately he was shouting in Chinese, which gave him the advantage, and he got his ticket first. But I was definitely making progress.

  However, I never really did adjust to Chinese food. I like Chinese food the way they make it here in the U.S., where you order from an English menu and the dishes have reassuring names such as “sweet and sour pork” and you never see what the food looked like before it was killed and disassembled. This is not the kind of Chinese food that actual Chinese people eat. For one thing, before they order something at a restaurant, they like to see the prospective entree demonstrate its physical fitness by swimming or walking around.

  One afternoon we were wandering through the narrow, zigzagging (and of course teeming) side streets of Macao, and we came to a group of small stalls and shops; in front of each one were stacks of big glass tanks containing murky water filled with squirming populations of fish, eels, squids, turtles, etc. At first we thought we’d entered the Aquarium Supplies District, but then we saw tables behind the tanks, and we realized that these were all restaurants. People were eating these things. You, the diner, would select the eel that you felt best exemplified whatever qualities are considered desirable in an eel, such as a nice, even coating of slime, and the restaurant owner would haul it out of the tank so you could take a closer look, and if it met with your approval—WHACK—dinner would be served.

  We walked by one restaurant just as a man reached into a tank and hauled out what looked like the world’s biggest newt. It had legs and a tail and buggy eyes, and I swear it was the size of a small dog. The man displayed it to some diners, who looked at this thing, thrashing around inches from their faces, and instead of sprinting to a safe distance, as I definitely would have, they were nodding thoughtfully, the way you might approve a bottle of Chablis.

  A few minutes later, we came to a larger restaurant that had an elaborate window display, with colored spotlights shining on an arrangement of strange, triangular, withered, vaguely evil-looking things.

  Shark fins,” said my wife, who reads all the guidebooks. “They’re very popular.”

  At least they were dead. Around the corner we found another restaurant window display, consisting of a jar full of—I am not making this up—snakes.

  “Come on in!” was the basic message of this display. “Have some snake!”

  So as you can imagine we were a tad reluctant to eat local cuisine. But one night in Hong Kong we decided to give it a try, and we asked a bouncer outside a bar to recommend a medium-priced Chinese restaurant. He directed us down a side street to a little open-air place decorated in a design motif that I would call “about six old card tables.” Several men were eating out of

  bowls. We sat down, and the waitress, a jolly woman who seemed vastly amused by our presence, rooted around and found a beat-up hand-written English menu for us. Here are some of the entrees it listed:

  Ox Offal and Noodle Sea Blubber Sliced Cuttle Fish Sliced Pork’s Skin Pig’s Trotters Clam’s Meat Goose’s Intestines Preserved Pig’s Blood

  Using our fluent gesturing skills, we communicated that we wanted chicken, beef, and pork, but definitely not Preserved Pig’s Blood. We also ordered a couple of beers, which the waitress brought out still attached to the plastic six-pack holder. Our food arrived maybe a minute later, and the waitress stayed to watch us eat it. Several of the other diners also got up and gathered around, laughing and gesturing. We were big entertainment.

  My dish, which was probably pork, tasted pretty good. My son refused to eat his dish, which I woul
d describe as “chicken parts not really cooked.” My wife’s dish was apparently the beef; she said it was OK, although it was very spicy and caused her nose to run. There were no napkins, but the restaurant did provide a tabletop roll of toilet paper in a nice ceramic dispenser, which we thought was a classy touch. The whole meal, including a generous tip, cost about eight U.S. dollars. We were glad we hadn’t asked the bouncer to recommend an inexpensive restaurant.

  I should stress here that Hong Kong is famous for fine dining, and has a mind-boggling array of restaurants offering a vast variety of cuisines, including many that even provincial wussies like ourselves can eat. I should also stress that there are other things to do in Hong Kong besides eat and shop. You can ride the ferries, which are cheap and romantic and exciting. You can teem around the streets and pretend that you are some kind of slick international businessperson. You can take a tram that seems to go straight up the side of a mountain—in the old days, Chinese servants used to carry their British masters up this mountain on sedan chairs—and look down on an indescribably glorious view of the city and harbor, and be moved to say, in unison with 350 other tourists, “Look at that VIEW!” And you can take a day trip to the People’s Republic of China, future landlords of Hong Kong. We took such a trip. Here’s how it went:

  HONG KONG, 7 A.M.

  The tour-company bus picks us up at our hotel early on a day that promises to be rainy and blustery, thanks to the tail end of Typhoon Fred. We’re each given a sticker to wear on our clothing; it has the name of the tour company and the words “IF NOT PICKED, CALL 544-5656.” At various other hotels we gather the rest of our group, about 20 people from the U.S., Australia, and England. We’re taken to a ferry terminal, where we stand next to a sign that says BEWARE YOUR OWN PROPERTY, waiting for our guide.

  “Don’t lose your sticker,” an American man is saying to his family. “If you lose your sticker, you have to stay in China.” This is of course a joke, we hope.

  Finally, our guide arrives—a very tall, thin, easygoing young Hong Kong man who says we should call him Tommy. (We found that guides identified themselves to us by Western nicknames, on the assumption, no doubt correct, that we’d have trouble pronouncing their real names.) Tommy briefs us on our itinerary.

  “Because we have only one day to see China, maybe our tour will be a little bit rushed,” he points out.

  After an hour’s ride on a hydrofoil ferry, we arrive in the People’s Republic at a city called Shekou, which Tommy tells us means “mouth of the snake.” We line up to go through Immigration and Customs, next to signs warning us not to try to bring in any hot peppers or eggplants. I personally would not dream of attempting such a thing. God knows what this country does to eggplant smugglers.

  Next to the Immigration area is a counter where you can buy duty-free cognac and American cigarettes. This strikes us as a pretty decadent enterprise for the People’s Republic to be engaging in.

  Outside Customs Tommy introduces us to another guide, John, who’ll be escorting us around the People’s Republic in an aging bus driven by Bill. John is an earnest young man who possesses many facts about the People’s Republic and an uncontrollable urge to repeat them. He tells us that our first stop is a museum where we’ll see the World Famous Terra Cotta Warriors and Horses, which have been called—at least 20 times in our tour bus alone—”The Eighth Wonder of the World.” These are life-size clay statues of horses and warriors; 8,000 of these statues were buried with a Chinese emperor in 221 B.C., to protect him. This was before the invention of burglar alarms.

  A few dozen statues have been placed on display in the Shekou museum, which is actually the second floor of a commercial-type building. On the first floor is a store that sells industrial equipment; the window has a nice display entitled “Compressed Air Breathing Apparatus.”

  The museum itself, in terms of space allocation, is about 25 percent exhibit and 75 percent gift shops. Aside from our group, the only visitors are sticker-wearing tourists from other tour buses. We look briefly at the exhibit of World Famous Terra Cotta Warriors and Horses, then browse through a half-dozen shops selling jewelry, silks, jade, souvenirs, postcards, and other authentic cultural items. Your money or credit cards are more than welcome here in the People’s Republic.

  Back on the bus, John informs us, over and over, that Shekou is part of a Special Economic Zone that the People’s Republic has set up to encourage economic development. The relatively few Chinese who are lucky enough to live inside the Special Economic Zone, he says, are allowed to engage in all kinds of wild and crazy economic activities such as actually choosing their own jobs and maybe even own small businesses—in short, they’re totally free to do just about anything except say or do the wrong thing, in which case they’ll be run over by tanks. (John doesn’t state this last part explicitly.)

  John also discusses the plan for the “recovery” of Hong Kong in 1997.

  “Hong Kong will enjoy a high degree of autonomous,” he assures us.

  Our next stop is what John calls the “free market,” which turns out to be a line of about 25 fruit vendors who are aiding in the development of the Chinese economy by selling apples and pears to busloads of sticker-wearing tourists for what I suspect is 10 times the local price. We dutifully file off the bus in a pelting rain and walk over to the vendors, who are attracting us via the marketing technique of waving pieces of fruit and shouting “Hello!” Being a savvy free-market Westerner, I am able, using shrewd bargaining techniques, to purchase an apple for what I later calculate is two American dollars.

  Back on the bus, John starts reviewing the concept of the Special Economic Zone for the benefit of those who missed it the first five or six times. This gives me an opportunity to stare out the window in terror at the traffic. China has achieved a totally free-market traffic system, as far as I can tell. There are virtually no traffic lights, and apparently anybody is allowed to drive anywhere, in any direction. Everybody is constantly barging in front of everybody else, missing each other by molecules. The only law seems to be that if your horn works, you have to provide clear audible proof of this at least once every 30 seconds.

  If you didn’t know that Shekou was a Special Economic Zone, you probably wouldn’t be very impressed by it. The buildings are mostly grim, industrial, and dirty; many seem to be crumbling. The roads are uneven, sometimes dirt, always potholed. But this area is turning into a manufacturing monster. Encouraged by the Chinese government, many foreign companies have located factories here, and China now exports more than $60 billion worth of goods a year. The United States buys a quarter of this, all kinds of items, including a tenth of our shoes and a third of our toys. They are big-time, Most-Favored-Nation trading partners of ours, the Chinese.

  Our tour does not include a manufacturing stop. Instead we go to what John says is the largest kindergarten in Shekou, where we’re going to see the children put on a show. We arrive just as another group of sticker-wearers is leaving. We sit on tiny chairs, and a dozen heart-rendingly cute children, even cuter than the animated figures in the It’s a Small World After All boat ride, play instruments and dance for us while we take pictures like crazy. Fond memories of the People’s Republic.

  As we leave, we learn that school isn’t actually in session; the children are here just to entertain the tourists.

  Getting back on the bus, my son has an insight. “Really,” he says, “all kids are in a communism country, because they have to obey orders and they get pushed around.”

  I agree that this is true, but he will still have to take out the garbage.

  Now John is telling us how this city came to be called “the mouth of the snake.” It’s a long, old legend involving a snake that came here on a rainy day and turned into a beautiful woman (why not?), and a man lent her his umbrella, and they fell in love, and then needless to say this attracted the attention of the Underwater Dragon King. It’s a very complex legend, and I hope there isn’t going to be a quiz. Outside the window we see
a large group of dogs, all tethered to a post, looking around with the standard earnest, vaguely cheerful dog expression. Some men are looking the dogs over, the way supermarket shoppers look over tomatoes. John is back on the endlessly fascinating topic of the Special Economic Zone, telling us how many square kilometers it is. This is not what I’m wondering about. What I’m wondering is: Are they going to eat those dogs? But I don’t ask, because I don’t really want to know. Now we’re going through a security checkpoint, leaving the Special Economic Zone and its many freedoms. Now we’re in the real People’s Republic, which makes the Special Economic Zone look like Epcot Center. Everywhere there are half-finished buildings, seemingly abandoned years ago in midconstruction, some of them with laundry hanging in them. There are also people everywhere, but nobody seems to be doing anything. I admit this is purely an impression, but it’s a strong one. The primary activities seem to be:

  1. Seeing how many bundles you can pile on a bicycle and still ride it, and

  2. Sitting around.

  We go through a line of tollbooths—our booth was manned by six people—and get on an extremely surreal expressway. Picture a major, semi-modern, four-lane, interstate-type highway, except that it has every kind of vehicle—mostly older trucks and buses, but also motorcycles, tractors, bicycles with bundles piled incredibly high, even hand-drawn carts. Also you come across the occasional water buffalo, wandering along. Yes! Water buffalo! On the interstate! Bear in mind that this is the industrially advanced region of China.

  Of course, all the vehicles, including the water buffalo, freely use both lanes. So our bus is constantly weaving and honking, accelerating to a top speed of about 45 miles per hour, then suddenly dropping to zero. We pass a truck with a flat tire; somebody has removed the wheel and thoughtfully left it in the traffic lane. We pass an overturned pig truck, with the pigs still in it, looking concerned. A group of people has gathered to sit around and watch. We pass two more overturned trucks, each of which has also attracted a seated audience. Maybe at some point the trucks here just spontaneously leap up and right themselves, and nobody wants to miss it.