Dear Coca-Cola
Page 7
Yours sincerely,
Brian Hooker
Consumer Contact Manager
****
17 Lingland Road
New Mills
CHESHIRE
23rd April
Your ref 0335827A
Brian Hooker
H J Heinz Co Ltd
Hayes
Middlesex
Dear Brian Hooker
The reason I found your original response inadequate was not because I was unhappy about you reimbursement - I am not a man who seeks nor needs charity - but because you at Heinz don't seem to know the difference between a tank and a tank engine. I really expected more from one of our leading food manufacturers.
I have now realised why you came up with the slogan 'Heinz 57 Varieties.' It is quite obviously some legal ploy - 'varieties' being a suitably vague enough expression to cater for the eccentricities of your can filling machinery, and 57 of them to cover you in the event of your mistaking a tank engine for any of 56 other large locomotives.
Yours faithfully
T Ravenscroft (Mr)
NO REPLY!
****
17 Lingland Road
New Mills
CHESHIRE
8th April
Interpet Ltd
Dorking
Surrey
Dear Interpet
As a fishpond owner I am never without a supply of your product 3 Seasons Floating Food Hoops. The other day my wife accidentally served a portion of them to my middle son Henry, in mistake for Kellogg's Honey Nut Loops, which are very similar in appearance. Far from complaining about it, Henry wolfed down the lot, and with even more gusto than usual, then enquired as to what the 'super new breakfast cereal' was and could he have it regularly.
I must say that I don't share my son's opinion of the taste of your Floating Food Hoops - I tried a spoonful, and to me they taste like rabbit hutches - but then what appeals to the palate of a child has never ceased to amaze me since the advent of the fish finger and the Big Mac. However, the way I see it is that if he wants to eat fish food that's his kettle of fish - or rather his bowl of 3 Seasons Floating Food Hoops - so good luck to him. Before I give him my blessing however I thought it would be prudent to check with you to ensure that there isn't anything in your product which might be harmful to human children.
I look forward to hearing from you.
Yours faithfully
T Ravenscroft (Mr)
****
17 Lingland Road
New Mills
CHESHIRE
28th April
Interpet Ltd
Dorking
Surrey
Dear Interpet
I would refer you to a letter that I sent to you on 8th April. I really expected an answer before now. Indeed, if my Japanese Koi fish had to wait as long for their 3 Seasons Floating Food Hoops as I have had to wait for an answer from you they would have become 'floaters' long ago. So please, as my boy Henry is back on the Kellogg's Honey Nut Loops again and consequently is making my life a misery with his pestering.
Yours faithfully
T Ravenscroft (Mr)
****
INTERPET
6th May
JEP/cc
Mr T Ravenscroft
17 Lingland Road
New Mills
Cheshire
Dear Mr Ravenscroft
Thank you for your recent correspondence and we would offer our sincere apologies for the delay in responding to you. Unfortunately, our research scientist has been absent from the office and we needed to clarify the situation with him.
Although the product is harmless, we cannot advise or recommend it for human consumption. We would therefore suggest that Henry continues with Kellogg's
Honey Nut Loops.
Once again, please accept our apologies for the delay.
Yours sincerely
Julie Parker
Customer Services Administrator
****
17 Lingland Road
New Mills
CHESHIRE
8th May
Julie Parker
Interpet Ltd
Dorking
Surrey
Dear Julie Parker
Thank you for your letter of 6th May.
Since writing to you there has been a development. Apparently Henry has been eating your Floating Food Hoops behind my back ever since I first wrote to you on 8th April! It appears that the young shaver has been taking a handful out of the container into which I dole the daily ration for feeding to my Koi, then mixing it in with his Honey Nut Loops. (I only found out when I became suspicious because the fish always seemed to be hungry). When I showed him your letter he begged me to disregard it, and pleaded with me to be allowed to continue eating Floating Food Hoops, pointing out that he hasn't suffered any ill effects, so why not? In fact he has never looked fitter, and he swears that his swimming has improved, although whether that is due to eating fish food or just that he is a growing lad is debatable.
Bearing the above in mind I am loathe to stop him eating Floating Fish Hoops, and to this end I would be interested to know why you can't recommend them for human consumption if, as you say, they are harmless?
Yours faithfully
T Ravenscroft (Mr)
****
INTERPET
20th May
JEP/cc
Mr T Ravenscroft
17 Lingland Road
New Mills
Cheshire
Dear Mr Ravenscroft
Thank you for your further letter dated 8 May regarding our Floating Food Hoops.
We are delighted that Henry enjoys the product so much! However, we can only reiterate what we stated in our previous letter. There are obviously very differing regulations laid down in the production, packaging and handling of food for human consumption as against food for animal or fish consumption. As far as we are concerned, there is nothing in the product which would be harmful if consumed by a human but we cannot recommend it since it was not produced for this purpose nor has it passed the stringent tests to pronounce it fit for human consumption.
We are sorry that we cannot be more helpful.
Yours sincerely
Julie Parker
Customer Services Administrator
****
17 Lingland Road
New Mills
CHESHIRE
23rd May
Julie Parker
Interpet Ltd
Dorking
Surrey
Dear Julie Parker
Thank you for your letter of 20th May.
Henry continues to enjoy Floating Food Hoops mixed in with his Kellogg's Honey Nut Loops. My wife swears that he is developing scales on his lower left leg but it's just a particularly bad case of Athlete's Foot if you ask me.
Thank you for all your help.
Yours faithfully
T Ravenscroft (Mr)
****
17 Lingland Road
New Mills
CHESHIRE
9th April
Kellogg's Ltd
Talbot Road
Manchester
M16 0PU
Dear Kellogg's
I attach a letter I recently sent to Interpet, which I would like you to read before continuing.
It occurred to me that if my son Henry preferred Floating Food Hoops to your Honey Nut Loops then my collection of Japanese Koi fish might prefer Honey Nut Loops to Floating Food Hoops. I decided to find out, for if this proved to be the case I could save myself quite a bit of money, Floating Food Hoops being five times as expensive as Honey Nut Loops. Sadly the experiment was not a success. Not only did most of the Koi shun the Honey Nut Loops completely, but the only one that ate them died the following day.
The exercise wasn't a complete disaster, however, as my wife and I had the Koi grilled for supper with some oven chips, and very nice it was too, but as it had cost me over £200 not so long ago it isn't
a meal I want to eat too often.
Why the fish died is something of a mystery. I have looked at the list of ingredients on the Honey Nut Loops packet and they aren't a great deal different to the ingredients in Floating Food Hoops. Where they do differ is that you use niacin and folic acid. Could it be either of these two substances which caused the demise of my Koi?
Yours faithfully
T Ravenscroft (Mr)
NO REPLY!
****
17 Lingland Road
New Mills
CHESHIRE
12th April
Cadbury Ltd
Bournville
Birmingham
Dear Cadbury
Might I congratulate you on the position you have taken with regard to product placement, since taking on the mantle of Coronation Street's sponsor. It would have been all too easy for you to put pressure on the programme's producers to include in each episode gratuitous close-ups of your products, but I can honestly say I have yet to see so much as a Chocolate Button on my favourite soap! Given the more liberal attitude to sex taken by the producers of Coronation Street nowadays, it would have been all too easy to feature shots of Deirdre nibbling a Milk Flake or Liz sucking a Walnut Whip, but no, your restraint has been admirable. I take my hat off to you.
Yours faithfully
T Ravenscroft (Mr)
****
Cadbury
Our ref; L17/CD/SF
22nd April
Mr T Ravenscroft
17 Lingland Road
New Mills
Cheshire
Dear Mr Ravenscroft
Thank you for your letter dated 12th April concerning the Cadbury sponsorship of Coronation Street.
I thank you for your kind words concerning our sponsorship, as you correctly state it would be quite improper of us to influence the programme in any way, be it having our products included, or trying to influence the story lines of the show.
I note however that you say it would be easy to feature shots of a Flake or a Walnut Whip, but I can assure you that as we do not produce Walnut Whip that is one product we would certainly be trying not to get featured!
Once again thank you for taking the trouble to write to us.
Yours Sincerely
Carol Dunseith
Consumer Services Manager
****
17 Lingland Road
New Mills
CHESHIRE
24th April
Your ref L17/CD/SF
Carol Dunseith
Cadbury Ltd
PO Box 12
Bournville
Dear Carol Dunseith
It's Sod's Law, isn't it! No sooner do I congratulate you on your restraint than you go and blot your copybook. I refer of course to last Monday's episode of Coronation Street when Emily was to be seen looking longingly at a Mars Bar in the Corner Shop. Let's hope that this was just a temporary lapse!
My apologies for thinking that you make Walnut Whips. They are certainly good enough to be made by Cadbury's. Who makes them?
Yours faithfully
T Ravenscroft (Mr)
****
Cadbury
Our Ref:- O33623lB JAP
29th April
Mr T Ravenscroft
17 Lingland Road
New Mills
Cheshire
Dear Mr Ravenscroft
Thank you for your letter dated 24th April concerning Cadbury products on Coronation Street.
I was sorry to learn that you feel we have now blotted our copybook because Emily looked longingly at a Mars Bar in one episode last week. Cadbury do not produce Mars Bars these are made by Mars. But now that a Mars Bar has been featured, I do hope you will feel it is only fair if one of our products does appear in the future!
In answer to your question concerning Walnut Whips these are made by Nestle. I note you think they are good enough to be made by Cadbury's, but I don't think their chocolate is as nice as ours - but I would say that wouldn't I!
Thank you for writing to us.
Yours Sincerely
Carol Dunseith
Consumer Services Manager
****
17 Lingland Road
New Mills
CHESHIRE
2nd May
Your ref 0336231B JAP
Carol Dunseith
Cadbury Ltd
PO Box 12
Bournville
Thank you for your letter of 29th April.
You are right, it would only be fair if one of your products were to appear in a future episode of Coronation Street. I don't know whether or not you have any influence with the scriptwriters, but a scene with Norris balancing Smarties on Rita’s nipples then flicking them off into a Cadburys Chocolate Easter Egg held by Tyrone Dobbs might go down well. What do you
think?
Yours faithfully
T Ravenscroft (Mr)
NO REPLY!
****
17 Lingland Road
New Mills
CHESHIRE
6th March
Nestle
Customer Services
PO Box 207
York
Dear Nescafe
Whilst I was on holiday in America just recently I came across Power Coffee, a beverage which contains fifty per cent extra caffeine. Naturally I tried it as I’m a man who can’t get enough caffeine and I regularly drinking ten or more cups of coffee a day. I’ve heard it claimed by do-gooders that consuming a lot of caffeine isn’t good for you but it’s never done me any harm. I can report that Power Coffee was quite wonderful; a cup of it not so much lifted me as picked me up, gave me a good shaking and inspired me to get out there and kick ass, as the Americans say.
Unfortunately I have a weak bladder and need the toilet a lot, which isn’t always convenient as I am long distance lorry driver - or perhaps I should say I am a short distance lorry driver who eventually drives a long distance seeing as I have to keep stopping to go to the toilet, ha ha - but drinking Power Coffee when I was in America meant that I could drink only half as many cups of coffee for just as much caffeine, and consequently I didn’t have to go to the toilet as much. In fact I only had to go once the whole five hours we spent in Disney World whereas the previous time I went there I had to go four times, and one of those times was behind the Enchanted Castle as I couldn’t find a toilet, which greatly embarrassed me.
Is it possible that you at Nescafe sell a version of Power Coffee? I am not hopeful as I’ve never seen it on the shelves at Tescos and they sell just about everything, but there’s no harm in asking, is there?
Yours sincerely
T Ravenscroft (Mr)
****
Nestle
Mr T Ravenscroft
17 Lingland Road
New Mills
CHESHIRE