Dear Coca-Cola
Page 14
It would seem then that you have a very strong case for including my slogan on your packet and in your advertising. Please feel free to do so. I took the names and addresses of the seven lucky people and if you would like me to pass them on to you so that they can confirm my findings just say the word.
Yours sincerely
T Ravenscroft
NO REPLY!
****
17 Lingland Road
New Mills
CHESHIRE
15th March
Wm Morrison Supermarkets PLC
Dear Morrison’s
I am a sixty-eight-year old man and I have been buying all the family’s food from your supermarket for the last twenty years. Naturally for a man of my years I am not as fit as I used to be, nor would like to be. I don’t want to bore you with my illnesses, and I don’t really like talking about them, but if this letter is to fulfil its purpose, which I hope it will, I have no alternative.
In fact I suffer from a hiatus hernia, a normal hernia (which thankfully I am going into hospital next month to have repaired), a trapped nerve in my spine which cause a little numbness in my arm, athlete’s foot (just one foot), sciatica, arthritis, trouble with my prostate gland and anal pain.
The anal pain is by far the worst of my afflictions. I’ve tried everything to cure it, believe me. Conventional medicine, acupuncture, homeopathy, hypnotherapy, aromatherapy, all to no avail. I even tried, in absolute desperation, going to a faith healer, a travelling evangelist. At the meeting the evangelist laid hands on a man's lips and partially cured his stutter, then he laid hands on a woman's chronic bad back with an equally miraculous result, but did nothing at all for my bottom when he laid hands on it. I noted however that the evangelist didn't spend anything like so much time with his hands on my bottom as he had on the other lips and leg of the other two, so that maybe had something to do with it. I would have demanded my money back but it was free, so I had to content myself with putting nothing in the collection box and taking a pound out, to compensate me for the disappointment. But enough of my troubles.
The thing is I’ve read a lot in the papers recently about the benefits of organic food – you are what you eat and all that – and having noted that you have now started stocking a large range of the same. I was wondering if you think it might benefit me health wise if I switch from Morrison’s normal food to Morrison’s organic food. (Not of course that I in any way blame your food for my various complaints; in fact I got my hiatus hernia at Safeways when I used to shop there).
Yours sincerely
T Ravenscroft (Mr)
****
MORRISONS SUPERMARKETS
21st March
209/Ravenscroft/12311 lab
Mr T Ravenscroft
Lingland Road
New Mills
Cheshire
Dear Mr Ravenscroft
Thank you for your letter to this department.
We always welcome feedback from our customers and assure you that your comments have been duly noted. I have taken the liberty of passing these onto the people concerned in order that they may be looked into and, if necessary, be addressed.
We pride ourselves on the high quality of products that we sell and it is always regrettable when these do not meet our customers’ requirements. You can rest assure that your comments and views are very valuable to us and we will continue to do everything that to ensure that we maintain the high standards that our customers expect.
Thank you once again for taking the time to share your views with us and I do hope that we will remain your choice for shopping in the future.
Yours sincerely
Carol Paley
Customer Services Advisor
****
17 Lingland Road
New Mills
CHESHIRE
15th March
Wm Morrison Supermarkets PLC
Dear Carol Paley.
What’s going on? I sent you the attached letter and you replied to it with what seems to be the standard reply to a letter of complaint. Kindly sort yourself out and reply to my original letter would you?
Yours sincerely
T Ravenscroft (Mr)
****
MORRISONS SUPERMARKETS
21st March
209/Ravenscroft/12311 JRW
Mr T Ravenscroft
17 Lingland Road
New Mills
Cheshire
Dear Mr Ravenscroft
Thank you for your letter to this department. I am sorry that you are disappointed with the response you have received in connection with your complaint.
Our aim is to offer outstanding value for money and we firmly believe that all customers should have access to safe, wholesome, affordable food, according to their individual tastes and preferences. We believe we have a good range of organic foods, both own label and brands, that includes, breads, dairy products, eggs, fresh fruit and vegetables, cereals, wine, tea and coffee, and other grocery items, which we feel reflects the current demands of the majority of our shoppers.
However, in relation to your question, I’m afraid that we are unable to offer any advice of Organic food will help your medical condition. We would advise you to seek advice from your GP.
Thank you once again for taking time to bring the matter to our attention and I do hope that we will remain your choice for shopping in the future.
Yours sincerely
Carol Paley
Customer Services Advisor
****
17 Lingland Road
New Mills
CHESHIRE
15th March
Wm Morrison Supermarkets PLC
Dear Carol Paley
You need have no fears that Morrison’s will not remain my choice for shopping, not just in the future but for ever more!
In the six weeks since I wrote to you, five of which I have been eating solely from your range of organic foods, my health has improved by leaps and bounds. While it is true to say that I haven’t noticed any improvement with my bottom – in fact things have got a little worse in that department as I am breaking wind much more often than I used to - the organic broccoli probably - there has been a marked improvement in the state of my hiatus hernia, my sciatica and especially my athlete’s foot, which has almost cleared up completely.
However the best news is that my sex life has also improved, although this might have something to do with Jordan’s Porridge Oats, which are also organic of course. In fact I am so delighted that I have had a tee shirt made with ‘Morrison’s Organic Food Is Simply Orgasmic’ printed on the front (I am getting to be pretty nifty at slogan writing even if I say so myself).
On the only time I have worn the tee shirt at Morrison’s thus far it created quite a stir. Even the manager came out onto the shop floor to have a look at me, although it wasn’t long before he was back in his office, but then he’s a busy man I suppose.
It was my intention just to wear the tee shirt when I am doing the weekly shop at Morrison’s but it occurred to me that I would be doing you a favour if I were to also wear it on the odd occasion I go to Tesco and Asda. In fact if you like, as a small repayment for the huge debt I owe you, I would be quite happy to visit both of these supermarkets now and then and just walk around for a bit without buying anything; I don’t think they can stop you. Would you like me to do this? It would be no trouble.
Yours sincerely
T Ravenscroft (Mr)
NO REPLY!
****
17 Lingland Road
New Mills
CHESHIRE
23rd March
Knorr
Freepost ADM 3940
London
Dear Knorr
I am afraid I have a complaint to make about your Ragu Tomato and Cheese Sauce.
My wife was away for the day and I was busy so I had our Norwegian au pair Anni prepare a pasta dish for the children’s supper. To be quite honest Anni’s culinary skills are non-existent
so I only let her loose in the kitchen in emergencies, and she doesn’t speak very good English either, however to make up for this she is very pretty and very accommodating.
What happened apparently is that Anni followed the directions on your packet a little too literally. Things went all right at first; she tipped the contents of the pouch gently into a saucepan and stirred often. It was when she carried out your serving suggestion ‘for a tasty alternative throw in a small can of tuna and a handful of peas’ that things went pear-shaped. For that’s what Anni did, to the letter. She threw in a small can of tuna. Unopened. She didn’t get round to throwing in the handful of peas because the force with which she threw in the tin of tuna caused the saucepan to fly off the hob and deposit the Ragu Cheese and Tomato Sauce on the floor.
I didn’t witness the incident myself but my elder son Marcus did (Marcus was in the kitchen at the time because he likes watching Anni. Well he is fifteen now). What my son said can be taken as gospel, because despite him wanting to be a solicitor when he grows up I have yet to find him out in a lie.
The thing is that although your directions may be clear to all but the most stupid of English people they are not at all clear to a not very bright Norwegian au pair who doesn’t understand much English, and very probably not clear to many more not very bright foreigners too – I’m thinking here of the hordes of Poles and other East Europeans who have descended on us recently - so with that in mind I think it might be prudent if you were to alter your directions from ‘throw in a small can of tuna to ‘throw in the contents of a small can of tuna’; or even better ‘carefully add the contents of a small can of tuna’, before a serious accident occurs.
Yours sincerely
T Ravenscroft (Mr)
****
Knorr
Ref 22918
Date 13 April
Mr T Ravenscroft
17 Lingland Road
New Mills
Cheshire
Dear Mr Ravenscroft
Thank you very much for your fabulous letter. I’m sorry to learn of your, or rather Anni’s, recent experience with the Knorr Ragu For Kids pasta sauce. I can honestly say, this is the first time I have heard of this happening.
I’m sure you understand, when we propose an alternative serving suggestion we do intend that other products are fully removed from their packaging. We specifically use informal language on the pack to make the product more appealing to Kids and it seems as though the intended meaning got lost in translation. I have noted your comments and have forwarded them to the Knorr team for consideration.
I have also enclosed a voucher so you can purchase some more Ragu products. Hopefully these won’t end up being assaulted by an unopened tin of tuna, and if they do, you can purchase spares with our compliments.
Might I also suggest encouraging you son, Marcus, to adopt a more advisory role in the kitchen. It may stop other instructions being distorted by translation, and in turn will give him more to me to spend with Anni.
Once again thank you for sharing your experience with us, and if you have any other queries or comments on any Unilever product then please do not hesitate to contact us again.
Yours sincerely
Amy Richmond
Careline Advisor
Enc
Generic UF Coupon £5
****
17 Lingland Road
New Mills
CHESHIRE
16th April
Amy Richards
Knorr Consumer Care
250 Gunnery Avenue
LONDON
Dear Amy Richmond
Believe me Amy, the state my son Marcus’s hormones are in at the moment the only advice he is likely to give to Anni is to get her knickers down, and as far as spending more time with her is concerned it takes me all my time to keep the randy little bugger away from her as it is.
However, I must now return to the original incident in the kitchen involving your Ragu For Kids Tomato and Cheese pasta sauce. When the sauce was accidentally deposited on the floor it left a stain on several of our cream vinyl tiles. At the time I wasn’t too concerned as I thought it would be a simple matter to remove it. How wrong I was, for despite trying everything I can think of the stain has stubbornly refused to be removed.
My wife is not best pleased with me about this – I had to tell her that I was responsible for it as she had already threatened to send Anni back to Norway if she did anything else stupid, after the incident with the cat and the vacuum cleaner - so I was wondering if you could help to get me out of the doghouse by recommending something that will remove Ragu For Kids Tomato and Cheese pasta sauce stains? I notice from your letter that Knorr is part of the Unilever group, which, if my memory serves me correctly, sprang from the Lever Bros soap company, so as experts on getting things clean you might be able to recommend something potent enough to do the job. And in view of the fact that you were in part responsible for the stain being there in the first place perhaps you could send me a free sample? Or another £5 voucher would do, whatever you think best.
Yours sincerely
T Ravenscroft (Mr)
****
Knorr
Ref 22918
Date 25 April
Mr T Ravenscroft
17 Lingland Road
New Mills
Cheshire
Dear Mr Ravenscroft
Thank you once again for your letter with regards to Knorr Ragu For Kids, or now as the case may be the remains of said product. I’m sorry to learn that this product left a mark on your kitchen and hope that this can be resolved.
We use all natural ingredients in the Knorr Ragu For Kids range so I can only assume that it is a rather stubborn tomato that refuses to leave the tiles in your kitchen. Once again I apologise for any inconvenience this may have caused, or indeed may be causing.
After talking to my good friends in the Home and Personal Care department, I can advise you to try Cif Power Cream Spray which is specially designed for kitchen use. This should not only clear up the stain, but also clear your current ‘doghouse’ status.
If you have any other queries with regards to Unilever products or require further advise on the issue, please do not hesitate to contact us at the above address. Please find enclosed a voucher to enable you to try Cif with our compliments.
Yours sincerely
Amy Richmond
Careline Advisor
Enc
277 HPC Coupon £5
****
17 Lingland Road
New Mills
CHESHIRE
1st May
Amy Richards
Knorr Consumer Care
250 Gunnery Avenue
LONDON
Dear Amy
I must say that Knorr is the most generous company I have ever dealt with, and I have dealt with a few. Twice I have written to you and on each occasion not only have you had the courtesy to write back to me promptly and efficiently but you have enclosed a voucher for £5. The only way this could have been bettered would have been if you had sent me £5 in cash, because to tell you the truth I don’t buy Unilever products all that often (mind you I may not be familiar with them all, so maybe you can send me a complete list?). My wife says you are trying to bribe me so that I won’t start blabbing about your pasta sauce ruining our kitchen tiles but I prefer to think you are a caring company, like Baxters Soup, who sent me a shed load of vouchers when I had cause to complain about their Cock-a-Leekie soup, and even as I write are considering my recipe for Cock of Puddings.
I tried your Cif Power Cream Spray as recommended by your good friends in the Home and Personal Care department, as you suggested, and it almost got rid of the stain. I say almost, in fact to my eyes the stain has disappeared altogether, but my wife swears she can still see something and she could be right because the woman has eyes a hawk would be proud of, believe me. Anyway I’ve moved the pedal bin over the alleged stain so it should no longer be a problem.
; Yours sincerely
T Ravenscroft (Mr)