by Kristi Gold
“The extraction takes place in an O.R. under general anesthesia. You’ll have a few puncture marks in the back around your pelvic bone. Knowing you, you’ll be back to your routine in a few days, a month at the longest. About the only real risk would be if you react badly to the anesthesia.”
Luckily, he’d already been through the rigors of knee surgery without incident. “And this is Kevin’s only alternative?”
“It’s the only hope we have of saving him. If you don’t want to do it, any of the siblings can be tested to see if they’re a close match, but that carries a greater risk of rejection. You’re Kevin’s best option.”
Once again, he found himself in the position of saving Kevin, only this time he’d literally be saving his life. “Why isn’t Kevin here talking to me?”
“He didn’t want to ask you because he doesn’t think you’ll agree.”
Kieran wondered how the rift between them had grown so wide that Kevin honestly believed he wouldn’t step up to the plate. “I’ll do it. Just let me know where I need to be and when.”
Devin looked more than a little relieved. “Great. I’ll have someone at the center give you a call and set everything up. You’ll start by having routine blood work and a physical in the next couple of days. We have to move fast before Kevin gets worse. There’s one more thing you need to know.”
Kieran wasn’t sure how much more he could handle. “Shoot.”
“This is going to be tough on Kevin, before and after the transplant. He’ll be in isolation for a few weeks after he receives the marrow, so it’s important he has a lot of emotional support before the transplant. Since he doesn’t want anyone else to know right now, that means the responsibility falls on us. I’ll see him when I can, but with my schedule and the family obligations, it’s going to be rough.”
And that meant Kieran would shoulder most of the burden of keeping his brother’s spirits as elevated as possible. That in itself could be the greatest challenge of all. “He has to tell Mom and Dad at some point in time.”
“True, but I agree with Kevin. It might be better if we wait until closer to the time for the procedure since we both know how Mom worries about him, even when she doesn’t have a damn thing to worry about.”
This time, though, she would have something to worry about. “When will they do the transplant?”
“In about two weeks, so you’ll have enough time to recover before the holidays.”
Like he really cared about the holidays in light of this sorry news. Kieran’s only concern centered around getting out of there so he could think. On that note, he came to his feet and fished his keys from his pocket. “Just let me know when Kevin’s admitted and I’ll stop by to see him.”
“I will.” Devin rose and tapped the folder on the desktop. “This isn’t going to be easy on you, either, Kieran. Call me if you need anything, even if it’s only to talk. Better still, talk to Erica. I know you were with her this weekend.”
Kieran didn’t bother to question how Devin knew; word spread like wildfire in the O’Brien clan. “I can’t involve her in this. She’s been through too much already.”
“That’s your decision,” Devin said. “I only know that when I come home after a bad day at the hospital, talking to Stacy is the only thing that keeps me sane. This habit you have of keeping all your emotions bottled up for everyone else’s sake is going to shave years off your life.”
Kieran didn’t have the strength to argue. “I’ll be fine. I’ll see you later.”
After he strode out of the hospital and settled into the Porsche, the anger came rushing in with the force of an explosion. Anger over the circumstances. Anger over the lack of control. Anger over the timing. He owned enough fury to punch a hole in the windshield but instead pounded his palm against the steering wheel three times in rapid succession.
He wanted like hell to see Erica, but he couldn’t see her, not for a while. He couldn’t throw her into the middle of a medical crisis. He couldn’t ask her to be there when he underwent the procedure, either, even if that procedure carried minimal risk. But he wasn’t naive enough to think that life came with automatic guarantees—what he’d learned tonight was proof positive of that—and asking her to subject herself to a hospital vigil for his sake would be totally unfair to her.
Besides, Kevin needed his attention right now, which meant he’d have to devote most of his time to mending those proverbial fences. If he didn’t take care of that now, he could be facing a lifetime of regret if, God forbid, he couldn’t save Kevin this time.
Until this waking nightmare ended, he’d be no good to Erica. He couldn’t give her his time and he couldn’t give her any real stability. He couldn’t give her any promises that everything would be okay because he wasn’t sure it would.
But he had to be strong for his family and for Kevin. He wouldn’t let anyone see how this was tearing him up inside, not even Erica. Especially not Erica.
“Mom, you’re going too fast!”
Realizing she was practically dragging Stormy across the health club’s parking lot, Erica slowed her steps. “I’m sorry, sweetie. I’m just trying to catch up with Kieran before he leaves.” And he was going to leave in twenty minutes, something she’d learned from the receptionist when she’d called.
“How come Kieran hasn’t been around all week?” Stormy asked.
Precisely Erica’s question, and the reason why she was there. He’d only called once since their return from Galveston, and that was just to say she should come in and work out with Evie, and he’d be tied up all week. She’d sensed something was wrong, but he refused to talk at length. Well, that was about to come to an end. She wanted answers, and she wanted them now.
When they stepped inside the club, Erica took Stormy by the shoulders. “Go into the playroom and finish your homework. This shouldn’t take long.”
“I want to see Kieran.”
“You can’t right now, sweetie. But I’ll tell him you asked about him.”
Backpack in hand, Stormy huffed off and Erica crossed the gym, heading straight for Kieran’s sanctuary. She didn’t wave at the front-desk personnel, didn’t stop to talk with her latest trainer and she didn’t hesitate to walk into his office without knocking. He wasn’t at his desk, but she did find him in the private gym, stretched out on the weight bench, pumping iron with a vengeance. When he caught sight of her, he dropped the barbell onto the bracket and sat up. For a split second he looked as if he might be glad to see her. But he disproved that theory when he asked, “What are you doing here?” as if he didn’t welcome her unexpected visit.
Erica’s anger began to bubble near the boiling point. “Nice to see you, too. And I’m here because I haven’t heard a thing from you since Monday night.”
“I told you I was going to be tied up.”
“Yes, and that’s all you said. It’s what you didn’t say that’s bothering me.”
He frowned. “I don’t know what you’re getting at.”
Maybe not, but he would. “If you’ve reconsidered our relationship, just say so. I’m not going to fall apart. But if that is the case, I wish you would have told me so after our weekend. I would’ve preferred ‘I had a nice time, see you around’ than all your talk about family holidays and dating.”
He came to his feet, grabbed a towel and swiped it across his damp forehead. “This isn’t about us.”
She crossed her arms over her middle. “Maybe not, but what am I supposed to think unless you tell me what’s going on with you?”
Unmistakable turmoil brewed in his dark eyes. “Trust me, you don’t want to know what’s going on.”
“Yes, I do. Anything’s better than not knowing.”
“I can’t talk about it now.”
“Can’t or won’t? I realize I tend to talk a lot, but I’m also a good listener. And you look like you need that right now.”
“I’m okay,” he said without much conviction. “This involves a family matter, and it’s not something
you need to worry about.”
She bristled at the same admonishment she’d heard from Jeff on several occasions. “Does it have something to do with Kevin?”
Erica saw a spark of acknowledgment in his expression before his face once more turned into a noncommittal mask. “Yeah. He’s in serious trouble.”
“And it’s your responsibility to rescue him again.”
He leaned a shoulder against the treadmill. “This is different.”
“How is it different?”
“Look, Erica, it’s my problem, not yours. My parents don’t even know about it yet. You’ve come a long way with your fitness program. You need to concentrate on that and let me handle this issue.”
She hated his dismissal as much as she hated having this conversation. “I don’t intend to go back to my old habits, so that’s one less thing you need to worry about.”
“I’m sure you won’t.”
Erica wasn’t getting through that impenetrable wall he’d built around himself, but she wasn’t ready to give up yet. “I’m about to take Stormy home. I’ll be up later if you change your mind and want to talk about this.”
“I need to handle this in my own way.”
“And your way is to take it all on yourself.” She hugged her arms tighter to her middle. “Does it ever get tiring, carrying everyone else’s burden on your shoulders?”
“I’m only trying to protect you, Erica. This isn’t a good situation. I’m not sure you can han—” His gaze wandered away.
“I see.” And she did, all too clearly. “You were going to say you didn’t think I could handle it. Now you’re treating me exactly like Jeff used to treat me. In fact, you’re acting like him. He thought it was a sign of weakness to show any vulnerability. I never knew if he was sad or angry or scared when Stormy was sick. I didn’t know what he was feeling most of the time, and that’s no way to sustain a relationship. I refuse to subject myself to that again.”
“What are you saying?”
“I’m saying that relationships are about give and take, sharing the good and the bad, not bearing all the burden because you think anything else makes you less of a man.” When she saw a flicker of response, she believed she’d hit on something important. “Is that what happened to your other relationships, Kieran? You refused to let your guard down even for a minute?”
He tossed the towel to the ground and ran a hand over his nape. “I can’t deal with this right now, Erica. But after this is over, we’ll talk about it then.”
“In a week? A month? When you’re good and ready?” As badly as she hated what she was about to say, she still had to say it. “Don’t bother, Kieran. I don’t see any reason to discuss it further. You’re obviously not ready to have a real relationship.”
Now he looked stunned. “That’s it? You’re going to just give up on us?”
She didn’t want to, but she saw no choice. “Stormy’s starting to rely on you, and she’s already lost one important man in her life. I understand that relationships don’t come with guarantees, but if you’re not willing to give ours your all, then it’s best if we end it now, before she believes there’s more between us than friendship.”
“I don’t want to be just your friend.” He took a step toward her then stopped, as if he wanted to touch her but decided it wouldn’t be best. “I want to make this work, Erica. I swear to God, I do.”
“It won’t work if you shut me out at the first sign of trouble because you don’t think I’m equipped to handle bad news, or because you have this need to take care of every problem by yourself. Last weekend I told you things I’ve never told anyone because I trusted you. I expect you to trust me enough to do the same.”
When he didn’t speak, she continued. “In a perfect world, nothing bad would ever happen. But bad things do happen, Kieran, and learning to rely on the people who care about you is sometimes the only thing that can get you through those times. If you can’t learn to do that, then you’re never going to have a meaningful relationship, unless you find someone who doesn’t care how you feel. But I do care about you.” More than he knew. More than she should.
He sighed. “I care about you, too, Erica. That’s why this is so damn unfair.”
At least that was something. “If that’s true, then you’ll think long and hard about what I’ve said. If you can’t give me what I need—and what I need is someone who gives me more than a pat on the head and a ‘don’t worry, I’ll handle it’—then I wish you the best of everything.”
Before the tears began to flow, Erica turned around and marched out of the office. She had to hold it together until she had Stormy safely home and in bed. Then she would have a good cry.
Erica retrieved Stormy from the playroom and didn’t say much of anything until they were in the car. “Did you finish your homework?” she asked as they pulled out of the lot.
“Yeah. Did you make Kieran mad?”
Probably so. “Why do you think that?”
“Because he’s not training you anymore. And because he’s not coming over like he used to. What about my softball, Mom? Is he going to help me?”
Erica didn’t have any good answer to give her child, and she hated that. “Kieran’s taking care of a family problem right now. I’ll see if we can find someone else to help you in the meantime. Maybe a high school girl.” She sent a quick glance at Stormy. “You’d like that, wouldn’t you?”
Stormy gave her a quelling look. “I don’t want a high school girl. I want Kieran to help me, or his sister.”
“I’m sorry, Stormy, but sometimes we don’t get what we want.” She’d learned that hard lesson a few minutes ago.
The conversation ceased until halfway home when Stormy asked, “Are we ever going to be a real family, Mom?”
Erica had always been primed for the questions about Jeff, about kissing and sex and growing up. But she hadn’t prepared for this. “We are a real family, sweetie.”
“I mean am I ever going to have another dad?”
More questions without concrete answers. “I just don’t know, Stormy. I just don’t know.”
“Don’t you have somewhere else to be?”
Kieran looked up from his cards to Kevin, who’d been drifting in and out of sleep for the past hour. His brother looked like hell. He’d been through hell. “I’m making sure you don’t escape before the procedure tomorrow.”
“Like I really have the strength to go anywhere.” He took a drink of water from the cup resting on the rolling tray positioned between them. “But come to think of it, we could play one of our old switch-the-twin tricks. I’ll yank this tube out of my chest, go have a beer and you can take my place until they realize you’re not me.”
In some ways, Kieran wished he could take his brother’s place. “No way. That would require me cutting my hair, and I’m already giving you my bone marrow.”
Kevin leaned his head back on the pillow and stared at the ceiling. “I’ve been thinking about that marrow thing.” He turned his head toward Kieran and narrowed his eyes. “Does this mean I’m going to want to go to the gym seven days a week instead of five and start craving soy?”
“I don’t eat soy.” Kieran glanced at the clock suspended on the wall above the TV. “It’s getting late. I thought Mom and Dad were coming by.”
“I told them I’d see them tomorrow. Mom already spent most of the day with me. If she asked me one more time how I was feeling, I would’ve broken out of this cell and taken my chances.”
He could understand where Kevin was coming from in that regard. Lucy hadn’t taken the illness news well, although she was her usual optimistic self, or at least she was putting up a good front. “Where’s your new girlfriend?”
Kevin closed his eyes briefly before opening them again. “Leah?”
“Is she the pediatrician?”
“Yeah,” Kevin said. “She went home to Mississippi a couple of months ago. She’s supposed to be back in the spring to finish her fellowship before she goes into pr
ivate practice.”
“Sounds like she’s one smart lady.”
“Yeah, she’s smart, and don’t look so surprised.”
“But I’m betting she’s blond.”
Kevin shot him a dirty look. “Brunette. She’s great. Beautiful. More important, she knows all my faults, but that didn’t seem to matter.”
That had to be a first for his twin. “Sounds like the real deal.”
“It might have been, but I’ll never know. It ended right after my diagnosis.”
Kieran wondered why she sounded too good to be true. “You mean she left you because you’re sick?”
“I broke it off without telling her. I didn’t know what was going to happen, and I couldn’t put her through that.”
This was starting to sound all too familiar to Kieran. “She’s a doctor, Kev. She’d understand.”
“More than most people, but I couldn’t commit to her knowing this thing could kill me. And for the first time, I did want to commit to a woman.” Kevin sent him a wry grin. “Maybe this is my punishment for all the mistakes I’ve made over the years.”
His brother had made a lot of mistakes, but Kevin didn’t deserve this. “You’re going to get through this. And after you do, it’s not too late to give her a call and explain it to her.”
“It wouldn’t be fair, Kieran. She grew up in a family with parents who took in foster kids, which is why she became a pediatrician. She wants kids of her own, too, and after undergoing the chemo, I have a fifty-fifty chance of being sterile.”
Damn. That was something Devin failed to mention during their initial conversation about Kevin’s disease. “You’re an O’Brien male. The odds are good you’ll end up on the right side of the fifty percent. We have strong swimmers.”
Kevin didn’t appear to appreciate his attempt at lightening the mood. “I won’t know that for a while. And even if I do get out of this with both my life and sterility intact, then it’s still too late for me to make amends with Leah. I don’t think she was too happy with my usual ‘I’m not looking to settle down’ speech.”
