by Rhian Cahill
Why had she been so blind when it came to that man? She’d let him tell her what to do and when. She’d let him turn everything around on her. And she’d accepted it. Embraced it even. Took the little crumbs of his attention and affection and convinced herself she was happy.
She couldn’t afford to let the same thing happen with Rylan.
Wait. She wasn’t with Rylan.
No. They were—maybe—going to have a baby together. They didn’t need to be together to do that. Obviously. Well, except for the being together to make the baby part which they’d done already.
They probably shouldn’t do that again. Have sex. Not if they wanted to remain friends and co-parent a child. Continuing to sleep together would only confuse things, complicate an already complicated situation.
Great, now she was rambling in her own head.
“Stop.” Rylan’s hands cupped her shoulders. “Stop thinking. I promise you everything will be okay.”
Searching his gaze, she tried to determine his sincerity. Did she believe him? Could she trust him to stand beside her through this? Should she? She had to at least trust him with their child.
Inhaling through her nose, she filled her lungs and nodded. “Okay. Everything will be okay.”
His smile bloomed, lighting up his whole face. “Yes, it will. Now”—he turned her toward her bedroom—“go get out of your uniform, shower, do whatever, and I’ll make you some dry toast to nibble on. Then we’ll head to my place so I can get changed before we go shopping.”
Shopping. Like they’d done last weekend. Was that only three days ago? It seemed like a lifetime ago. So much had happened. She’d spent most of the weekend with him and Sunday night in his bed, and now they were going to find out if they had made a baby.
She turned back to face him. “I don’t think I can keep the toast down.”
“That’s okay, we’ll try anyway. It’s what they recommend.”
“They recommend?”
A sheepish smile tugged at his lips. “Yeah, I might have looked up some things on my phone last night to help with morning sickness. I’ve got a list of foods that might help, and there are some suggestions about certain vitamins helping and different tea blends. Oh, and you should stay away from coffee or drink decaf.”
“You . . . a list . . . decaf . . . Wow.”
He’d researched things to help her feel better. She didn’t know how to feel about that. On the one hand, she felt cared for. On the other, she felt out of control, as though he were taking over like . . .
No, he wasn’t anything like Stuart, and she should be grateful he put in that much effort for her.
“Thank you. I’ll try the toast.”
“Good. Go on now. And think about the shower. There were some women on the forum who said a lukewarm shower helped them get through morning sickness.”
Mazey let him spin her around and nudge her forward. Glancing back, she found him watching her with concern. Hoping to alleviate some of his anxiety, she smiled then went into her room to grab clean clothes, her steps and mind relaxed.
She could do this. With him holding her hand, she could get through the next few hours. She wouldn’t think about anything beyond that. She’d think about the fact she wasn’t in this alone.
Rylan was in her kitchen, making her toast to help her feel better. He hadn’t freaked out. Hadn’t yelled at her for screwing up her birth control. Hadn’t suggested she get rid of it.
He’d done the opposite. He’d been understanding. He’d been concerned for her, not once had he complained about the situation she’d put him in.
He’d been a calming balm on frayed nerves that past experience had sensitized to the point of terror.
She’d had no idea how Rylan would take the news of her suspicion, and if she were honest, she’d admit he’d surprised her. The fear of a possible pregnancy had made her feel ill, and she wasn’t sure if her inability to keep food down was morning sickness or anxiety. It hadn’t been too bad, only a mild churning in her belly, until she’d discovered her oversight and the very real chance of life-changing consequences.
It was then that her stomach had gone into roiling mode and rejected anything she’d attempted to put in it. Being at work hadn’t kept her mind off the situation either. She’d tried to distract herself with counting stock that didn’t need counting. When that didn’t work, she’d pulled out the base’s procedural manual and read.
Not one word had been retained.
Sneaking glances at Rylan every few minutes hadn’t helped either. The man was a distraction normally, but all she could think about was having a baby with him. Together. Not this oops, we’re pregnant kind of parenting though. She’d thought about doing this by choice. Having a family together, building a future with more than just this child.
She shook her head as she pulled clothes from her dresser and closet. That wasn’t how it was.
If they were going to be parents, it wasn’t by choice, and it wasn’t planned, and it wasn’t the beginning of a future together.
She had to remember that.
Forget that Rylan would stand up because he was a stand-up kind of guy and would never leave a child of his without a father.
As much as she wanted this to be more, it wasn’t. And because it wasn’t, she’d probably ruined any hope of building their relationship into a lasting one beyond sharing a child.
28
Bracing his hands on the counter, Rylan hung his head and blew out a long breath.
There were bags all around him. He needed to deal with them, empty them of the food he’d bought for Mazey. Except now, he was wondering why he’d insisted they come here and not her house.
Not that he had pushed it exactly. He’d just steered her toward his truck with their shopping bags and the all-important pregnancy test kit and said, let’s go home.
Then he’d driven here.
Damn it.
He knew why he’d come here.
This was home.
His home.
And he wanted it to be hers.
Hers and the baby’s.
He had already been thinking about living here with Mazey before she’d told him she might be pregnant. Now it was all he could think about.
With or without a baby, he wanted Mazey here, in his house.
With him.
“Fuck.”
He was in deep. He’d known, of course he’d known, but now, with the possibility of a baby, he wanted her more than anything else in his life, and when his chopper had been shot down, he’d wanted to live pretty fucking hard.
Pushing off the counter, he reached for a bag and pulled out the first item.
A box of ginger tea. It was supposed to settle the stomach, stop nausea. Maybe he should make her a cup now. Hell, he could do with something to calm his own gut.
She was in the half bath beneath the stairs, only a few feet away, and it took every ounce of willpower he had to stay in the kitchen. To not stand outside the door waiting. Or barge in.
God, he wanted to be in there with her.
He wanted to be there for every second. Hold her hand if she wanted. Hug her. Anything, whatever it was, he wanted to give it or do it. He wanted to be able to provide whatever comfort she needed.
He hadn’t been there for this part last time. Renee had come to him with the test stick already used. She’d kept her suspicions from him until she had been sure, and he didn’t begrudge her or blame her for that, but he was thrilled Mazey had involved him from the start. He couldn’t imagine her doing this without him.
“Hey.”
Snapped out of his thoughts, he spun around to find Mazey standing on the other side of the kitchen island, her hands twisting together in front of her. “Hey. You okay?” he asked as he skirted around to stand beside her.
“Yeah.” The smile she gave him showed her nerves.
“It’ll be fine. Whatever it says. We’ll be okay.” He ached to pull her against him. To tuck her close to his chest a
nd hold her while they waited.
Fuck it!
Wrapping an arm around her shoulders, he tugged her to him.
She came easily. Melting into him with a rush of air and a whispered, “Ry.”
He held her tight, bent his head, and nuzzled her hair, murmuring words of reassurance in her ear.
They both jolted but didn’t pull apart when her phone beeped in her pocket. Neither of them moved from their position, instead, they clung to each other a little tighter, and he had to wonder if she was thinking what he was.
More than anything, he wanted that stick to read pregnant. He wanted that permanent connection between them. But this wasn’t just about him.
He had no idea if Mazey even wanted kids. They’d never talked about it. Never discussed what they wanted for the future because that’s not what they were.
They weren’t a couple.
“We should go check it,” she whispered into his chest, her hands fisting in the back of his shirt.
“Before we do, can I ask you something?”
Nodding, she lifted her head, her gaze connecting with his. “Of course.”
“Is this something you’ve wanted. Not like this, but in the past, for the future. Do you want to be a mother?”
Smiling slightly, she brushed her fingers along his chin. “It seems as though I’ve spent my whole life wanting that, to have a family. I’m the only child of a single mother, and I lost her ten years ago. I’ve always envied those with large families. With any family.”
He cupped the back of her head and lowered his. Pressing his lips gently on hers, he said, “I want that for you.” What he didn’t say was he wanted to give that to her, wanted to be that for her. He would give anything for her to think of him as her family. “It’s time. Let’s go see what it says.”
Sliding a hand down her arm, he curled his fingers around hers and squeezed before pulling her toward the bathroom. He could only imagine what she was feeling. His emotions were all over the place, equal parts excitement and trepidation warred inside him, cramping his gut and making him sweat.
Pausing outside the door, he faced Mazey and grabbed both her hands. “Before we go in, I want to tell you what I’m thinking, so you don’t think the result is behind my words.”
“Okay.”
“I think you should move in here. There’s plenty of room. This house is built for a family, and you know I plan to be beside you every step of the way if you want that. But I need to be honest. I want that no matter what the test says.” He tipped his head toward the door. “Whatever we read when we go in there, I want you to think about us, without the pressure of a possible baby. I know you said you didn’t want to get involved, but, Maz, we are involved. And this, the way we’re dealing with this situation, shows me we’re good together. That we work. If we want it, I think we’d be very good together. I want us to try. I want to be with you regardless of what happens in the next few minutes.”
“Oh.”
“I know that’s not what you wanted, and I’m sorry I told you I was okay with never being with you again and then okay with having sex whenever without strings. Because I lied. Both times. I’m not going to rush you or pressure you on any of this, but I need you to know where I stand, with you, with us, with a baby if that’s what we end up with.”
She drew in a shaky breath and licked her lips. “O-okay.”
“Okay?”
“Yeah, okay.” She graced him with a smile. “Thank you for being honest. I haven’t had that in the past, and I value that above anything else.”
“Right. Honesty. I can do that.” He glanced at the closed door. “We should go in.”
“We should,” she said with a decisive nod, her smile disappearing.
Neither of them moved.
“Now?”
“Yes,” Mazey hissed.
They still didn’t move.
“It doesn’t matter what it says, it won’t change if we wait.”
“No. The result won’t change, no matter how long we wait.”
“Okay then.” Taking one of his hands from hers, Rylan placed it on the doorknob. “Here goes.” He pushed the door open and stepped inside.
He could see the answer before he’d taken two steps. The rush of excitement shook his knees and split his face in a wide, wide grin. Without thought, he grabbed Mazey, picked her up, and spun them around. His whoop of joy bouncing off the walls.
“I get that you’re happy, but I didn’t see what it said. Why are we dancing for joy?” Mazey asked, her arms around his neck, her legs around his waist, clinging tight.
“We’re pregnant!”
“Oh.” Her eyes widened, her gaze glued to his. “And you’re so excited by that you’re spinning around in circles.”
He stopped, his smile and enthusiasm dimming. “Are you okay with that?”
“With you being happy?” She nodded. “Yes. I’m glad you’re excited by the idea of a baby, but, Ry, this is huge. We barely know each other, and this isn’t one of those happy planned for, long wanted moments between two people who love each other.”
He wanted to argue with her, but he could understand her caution, her fear. Whatever—whoever—had put that pain in her eyes hadn’t been erased by their mishap, whether it was exciting or not. They still had a lot to work out, a lot to discuss.
Lowering her to her feet, he palmed her face and tilted her head up, so she had no choice but to look at him. “I’m thrilled to be having a baby. No, it’s not ideal, and I wish it were under different circumstances. I wish I could say I love you right this minute, but I can’t. I shouldn’t. I think I could though. In the future, I think we can have that, Maz. Us and the baby.” He moved one hand to her flat stomach, held it firm against her. “I promised to be honest, and I will. I want this even though we didn’t plan it.”
She blinked up at him. “You think you could?”
He smiled. Bent and brushed his lips on hers. “Yes. I think I could.”
29
Mazey stared at the tags in her hand. She’d tried to give them back to Rylan after they confirmed her pregnancy, but he had refused to take them. Told her to keep them safe for their baby.
She had worn them or carried them with her ever since.
That was a week ago.
They’d talked a lot in the past seven days. And while he hadn’t convinced her to move in with him, he had convinced her to date him and not hide their relationship from now on.
Tomorrow when they were at work, they would tell their boss. Cochran had a few options he could do, from what Mazey understood. He could separate them on the same shift, assigning Mazey to Bex’s team, switching her out with Tate, or he could move her to a different team, which would mean they wouldn’t work the same day. Or, he could leave them as they were.
Neither of them could guess what his choice might be.
They’d worked two shifts in the last week, and she didn’t think they’d in any way compromised their roles due to their new relationship status. They had both been professional and didn’t even sneak a kiss during work hours.
Mazey was certain they could maintain appropriate behavior while working together. Neither of them wanted to put their jobs in jeopardy or risk the life of someone else on a call.
Wrapping her fingers tightly around Rylan’s tags, she brought her fist to her belly. “Everything will be okay.”
She’d begun saying that phrase out loud every day, at least once, since Rylan had made her the promise that he continued to give her. She believed it no matter which one of them spoke the words, but she still wanted the vocal affirmation and direct contact with the life growing inside her.
It helped squash the odd stray negative thought, especially the ones that sounded suspiciously like Stuart. Either his voice or the words, some of her doubts were reminiscent of a toxic man and relationship she needed to put behind her, needed to put firmly in the past. She needed to wipe the slate clean and not have a dark cloud hanging over her or the fu
ture.
Rylan had been wonderful, before and after they’d discovered their surprise, and she couldn’t fault him on anything. The man seemed to be able to read her like a book and always said the right thing, or did the right thing, or backed off when she needed space.
He was a goddamn mind reader.
It was why she was home alone right now. He’d been talking about which room he thought would be best for the baby’s nursery, and Mazey was ashamed to admit she’d panicked a little.
Okay, a lot.
But in her defense, it had brought back memories of Stuart picking out her apartment in LA. Telling her which one to buy.
Of course, Rylan hadn’t told her which room. He had asked which room she thought would work best. And like a skittish twit, she’d made an excuse to leave.
Something about laundry and ironing her uniform.
She couldn’t even recall what she’d said to him as she’d dashed out of his house.
One thing was undeniable. She owed him an apology. Now.
Searching for her phone, she walked through her two-bedroom house and wanted to kick herself. Her walk through only reinforced the fact that she couldn’t stay here with a baby even if she didn’t move in with Rylan. Her second bedroom would barely fit a crib and change table, and she wanted a rocking chair and a dresser.
There was a set she’d seen online. She hadn’t shown Rylan, but she knew it was what she wanted for their baby. She also knew which room in his house it should go in.
The room next to his master suite.
Squeezing her eyes closed, she let a gusty breath out through her nose.
She was such an idiot. He didn’t deserve the way she’d cut him off and run away.
She’d asked for honesty, and he’d given it, but she’d kept how she was feeling to herself. He’d been so forthcoming with his emotions, and he was entitled to the same from her.
If she wanted respect and openness from him, then she had to give it in return.
Now.
“The bathroom!”
She had been desperate to go when she’d come home and knew she had her phone in her hand when she’d opened the front door because Alyssa had texted her about a possible shift swap.
