Loving War

by C. M. Owens

  She’s like a rabbit on crack when she gets up and starts pacing, and nothing she’s saying is making sense. I’ve seen her drunk many times, but never this emotional and drunk at the same time.

  “What does that have to do with Dane and the wedding?” Tria prompts, echoing my question that wasn’t really answered.

  “I wanted answers. Like I said, I told myself it didn’t matter. But I had to know. So I finally asked him about that damn letter I wrote him six years ago. I wanted to know why he let me go. I deserve to know!”

  My body turns into a block of ice as I go stiff from head to toe. The nightmare is playing out into reality, bleeding into the bubble I have with the girl I love. And it’s all unfolding in a way that will never turn out good. I should have already fucking told Tria the truth.

  “What’d he say?” Tria asks, as the words I need to say start choking me.

  “He said he was stupid. That’s all he’d say. I told him that was a shitty excuse, and I needed more. He looked so damn torn, Tria. He’s hiding something. I don’t know what happened, and until I do, I can’t marry him. How can I? I refuse to start a marriage with someone who can’t be honest with me no matter how much I fucking love him.”

  Bile rises to my throat, and I lean over to grip the back of a chair.

  “Dane didn’t do anything wrong, Rain,” I say quietly, just as my door slams.

  “Rain! Dammit, don’t just run out on me!” Dane’s booming voice fills the room, and Tria jumps, startled. He must have been close by when I sent that text.

  Rain screams at him, cursing him and calling him out as a coward. That’s all I can take.

  “It was my fault!” I yell. The entire room falls silent other than the few muttered curses from Dane’s lips.

  Rain blinks at me, her tears still falling. Tria stands and moves to the side of the room, watching me with intense but unreadable eyes.

  “How the hell was it your fault?” Rain demands.

  This is not what I wanted to do. “Because I took the letter and tore it to pieces. Dane didn’t even know it existed until he read your Easton Boys book. I’m sorry, Rain. This is on me. Hate me. Not him.”

  She shakes her head, and her finger points at me. “You’re lying. Why would you do that? You’re my best friend. I’m not stupid, Kode. Stop covering for him.”

  Tria continues watching, her arms crossed under her breasts, and her eyes solely on me.

  Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

  “Rain, it really was me. I went to get my sunglasses out of the car and found the letter. I fucked up. Really, really bad. But it was me. Dane didn’t tell you the truth because he thought you’d forgive him easier than you’d forgive me, and he loves you so much that he didn’t want you to lose your best friend. That’s why Maverick’s the best man instead of me, Rain. You know I’m telling the truth.”

  She stares at me, unblinking and silent. Then the rage in her eyes focuses on me, and her fists clench at her sides.

  “Why?” she bites out acidly, her tears running harder. “Why the hell would you do that? Did you read it? Do you know what it said?”

  My breath hurts. Everything hurts. But I shake my head, revealing more with each passing second.

  “I didn’t have to read it. I knew what it would say.”

  She chokes back a sob before covering her mouth. “Then why?”

  “Because he loved you,” Tria says, her voice quiet and pained.

  Her eyes are no longer on me. They’ve found the floor, and my heart clenches.

  “You didn’t love me, Kode. Fuck. You didn’t love me or you wouldn’t have done this. You bastard!”

  “Rain, I know that I don’t—”

  “No,” she interrupts. “You don’t get to defend yourself. I fell apart, and you just let me. You knew I loved Dane, and you made me think he abandoned me? And you let me continue believing that you didn’t know I loved him, so I suffered in silence—agonizing silence from a secret I didn’t have to keep. Why? How the hell could you do that to me?”

  There aren’t words to explain the actions of an eighteen-year-old kid who thought he was in love.

  “Because you’re his idea of perfection,” Tria says, sounding heartbroken as she pinches the bridge of her nose.

  In my distraction, I never see Rain approach, but I feel the hard slap that resounds off my face. I wouldn’t have stopped her even if I had seen her coming.

  “I hate you,” she says in a hoarse whisper, her tears falling harder as my eyes come down to meet her teary ones.

  “I’m sorry, Rain. I was a stupid kid at the time.”

  “Sorry? Kode is sorry. Imagine that. Well, Kode, you can’t be sorry for this one. I lost six years of my life because of you. I can’t have children now. I lost that chance because of you!”

  I wish she had just slapped me again. It would have felt better than that.

  “Rain!” Tria yells, stepping toward us. “That’s not on him. Don’t do that.”

  Rain glares at her, but the knife is already in my heart. Did I really steal something that precious?

  “Rain, that’s not right,” Dane says, shaking his head with tears in his eyes. “We could have gone to each other. You could have had—”

  “Shut up,” she cries, her eyes so red and raw, and then her attention comes back to me. “Do not ever speak to me again.”

  She storms out of the house, leaving me in pile of rubble as I slump to the chair. Dane walks over and squeezes my shoulder. “That’s not on you. She’s hurt right now. And she’s seriously drunk. She’ll calm down. She didn’t meant that.”

  But in the end, the words are there, and I deserve it.

  Dane sighs while looking toward Tria, but I can’t even bring myself to meet her eyes.

  “Sorry, Tria. He… wanted to tell you. I asked him not to.”

  With that, he starts to leave, but not before Tria says, “Because you didn’t want Rain hurt, right?”

  Dane’s retreat is stalled, and I turn to see his apologetic eyes looking into mine before he answers, “Yeah.”

  Tria nods solemnly, not giving me any indication as to what she’s going to do or say. Dane leaves, and my whole body becomes hot and cold at once. It’s hard to do, but I finally look over to meet Tria’s eyes.

  “Tria, I’m sorry. I was a stupid—”

  “How long did you feel like that toward her? Obviously you felt that way before you were eighteen. And you felt that way not long ago. So how long?”

  Her voice is even, not rattled anymore. It’s almost like she’s not surprised, and that hurts almost as badly as what Rain said to me.

  “Since I was thirteen. But, Tria, I didn’t love her the way I thought I did. I swear to you that I didn’t.”

  Now would be the worst possible time to confess the fact that I know that because I didn’t know what love felt like until her. It would sound insincere, and I can’t ruin it with this bullshit tainting the words.

  “Kode,” she sighs, coming to sit beside me on the arm of the chair, and I reflexively wrap my arm around her waist. She doesn’t knock it away or recoil from me. So that has to be a good sign.

  “I told you once that I wouldn’t compete with Rain. Our relationship is still new. We’ve got bitter ties for different reasons, and we’re finally moving past that. I don’t want to hate her, but right now, I almost do.”

  No. Shit. Please don’t let her do this.

  “Tria, it’s you. I swear to you, I never wanted Rain the way I want you.”

  She laughs humorlessly, and her hand caresses my cheek in a way that almost tells me she’s saying goodbye.

  She stands, and I stand, too, circling the chair and blocking her path. She looks up at me, and that’s when I see the tears glistening in her eyes.

  “Give me your phone,” she says softly, and I quickly oblige, not giving a damn why she needs it.

  She takes it and scrolls through something before handing it to me. “I’m your sexy girl. The one with a nude photo
and a good time attached to her name. I realize it turned into a little more, but that was the foundation of us. Relationships like that don’t last. You never even had sex with Rain, but yet this is what you have for her.”

  She takes the phone and scrolls through it again. My heart starts thudding in my ears, and my air becomes heavier. When she hands the phone back to me, I curse myself for my stupid fucking system.

  “Your perfect girl. The picture says it all, right alongside her cherished name. She’s your dream girl, and I’m the substitute—a poor man’s Rain.”

  She starts to move, but I drop my phone and pull her to me, crushing my lips to hers in a desperate attempt to keep her. She kisses me back, but whimpers against my lips. When she pushes me away, I don’t resist.

  “Tria, I realize that’s how it looks. In the beginning, I was still sprung on Rain. I never changed her name. And yeah, you were initially my sexy girl. But things change. You’re everything to me,” I promise her.

  Her lip trembles, and the first tear falls from her eyes as she reaches up and touches my lips with her fingers.

  “Then why did you decide to keep this a secret from me?”

  That’s the final nail in my coffin. I can tell it.

  “Because I didn’t want to lose you.”

  She shakes her head. “No. You wanted to tell me. Dane didn’t want Rain hurt. Which means you also didn’t want to hurt Rain. I heard what Dane said. Was he lying?”

  The hopeful look in her eyes has my heart breaking more. “No,” I say in a reluctant whisper. “I didn’t want to hurt her, but I also didn’t want to lose you.”

  She smiles, but it’s such a sad, resigned, defeated smile that tears find my eyes for the first time since I was a kid. “I wish I knew that was true. But how can I? One thing I always loved about you was your honesty. It might be brutal at times, but it was reliable. Now… I feel like I don’t know what to believe, Kode. There’s nothing but lies and secrets and lies to keep those secrets.”

  I start to object, to tell her I’ll never lie to her again, but she adds, “And I can’t be the girl that keeps getting looked over. I thought… I really thought what we had was too good to be true. Now I know why. For what it’s worth, Rain missed out. I would have loved to have been loved by you.”

  If she ripped my heart out with her bare hands, it would hurt less.

  ***

  TRIA

  “Tria, I do—”

  “Don’t, Kode. Don’t finish that sentence. Not now. You don’t want to lose me, and that means so much. But it’s not enough. I can’t compete with my sister, and you’ve been in love with her for eleven years.”

  I just want out of here before I drop to the ground and cry myself into dust. If I had realized it would hurt this much to fall in love, I never would have risked it. It’s too much.

  The knot in my chest makes it hard to breathe. The lump in my throat has me barely able to swallow. And the tears in my eyes are slowly starting to drip out despite my attempts to restrain them.

  When Kode admitted that it was him, I realized he was trying to let Rain go. But only because he couldn’t ever have her. It’s agonizing, but it’s understandable. And I saw it coming. I really did, but I fooled myself into believing that I could one day be the only one he saw.

  The second choice sister. That’s me. And I’m so sick of it.

  Now I’m hurting him by forcing him to see this as it is. I know he hasn’t been doing this to me on purpose. Not even he is an asshole like that. And if it wasn’t for Rain, I’d be enough for him. But I’m not. He just can’t see that, and I’m not willing to try outshining eleven years’ worth of devotion.

  “Kode, if you care about me at all, please let me walk away right now. Don’t make me fall apart in front of you.”

  He takes a step toward me, and my body tenses. I’m terrified he’s going to kiss me again, and I love him so much that I’ll let him. I’ll push him away, but not until our lips have touched and danced to a familiar song that only we seem to hear.

  “Fall apart, Tria. Slap me, punch me, kick me, scream at me until you can’t breathe… Do whatever you want to, but please don’t leave. I swear I’ll put you back together if you’ll let me.”

  My sobs break free, and he instantly has me in his arms, drawing me against the body I’ve sought for so many different reasons. I clutch him for a moment, letting myself be comforted by the same man who has broken me. Then I pull back while shaking my head.

  “I need to go. I’m sorry, but I can’t do this right now.”

  “Tria,” he groans. “Baby, I’m sorry. I fucked up. I was young and—”

  “And still in love with her just a few months ago.” Why can’t he see this? Why can’t he tell he’s killing me right now? “Kode, this was doomed from the beginning. You don’t love a girl like Rain Noles and get over her with a girl like me. I. Have. To. Go.”

  I punctuate my words with a hiccupped sob that escapes me just as I barge by him.

  “You’re wrong, Tria. You’re the only girl in the world who could have made me realize that I never could love a girl like Rain Noles.”

  I keep walking, refusing to let him talk me out of this. I know what I just saw… what I just heard. Believing him now would be the death of me tomorrow.

  He doesn’t follow, or chase me, or fight for me in any way as I grab my phone from the bar. I walk out, not bothering to put on any shoes. I never got my purse out of my car earlier, so at least I don’t have to worry about coming back for that.

  I’m so glad Pete is in jail, because I finally have my car and my home back, and I don’t plan on getting out from under the covers for a few days.

  The second I get into my car, my phone chirps, and I hesitate to read it. Finally, I do.

  Your Public Boyfriend: I’m not giving up.

  From anyone else, that would make me sick. With Kode, it gives me false hope. There’s no way in hell he can ever possibly prove that I won’t have to compete with the one who got away.

  I know he doesn’t realize he’s playing with my head, so it’s on me to be strong enough for the both of us until he stops giving a damn. That shouldn’t take too long.

  Chapter 25

  TRIA

  “Tria? Are you in here?”

  I shush Rain while chewing on the greasy bag of chips. She walks in, her eyes wide, and gazes over the hell my room has become.

  “Leo let me in. I didn’t know he was staying with you.”

  “Yeah. Jack—his brother—got a girlfriend, and it got crowded, so he moved in a few days ago. He’s crashing here until he finds something,” I mumble absently.

  “Have you—”

  “Shh!” I interrupt as I move closer to the edge of the bed, waiting for a miracle to happen, but no. No miracle. You have to be kidding me!

  My bag of chips go flying across the room, scattering and not inflicting nearly enough damage on the TV.

  “Something they said?” she asks dryly, glancing back and forth between the TV and me.

  “He dies?!” I yell in disbelief, glaring at the screen, still wondering if something is going to happen to magically bring him back to life.

  No. Nothing. He’s dead.

  “I just spent two hours of my life watching that angst-ridden, gut-clenching, long-as-hell movie to distract me from our miserable existence, and he dies right after they finally get together? How can they classify that as a romance? I’m suing them for false representation!”

  Rain comes to sit beside me, sighing as she looks around at the room I’ve barely left all week.

  “She wanted to give it a realistic touch,” she says in defense of the heartless person who created this tragedy—not a romance.

  “If I want reality, I’ll walk outside and breathe in the toxic air, dammit. I’ll take a look at my own miserable life. If I read or watch a movie, I’d better get a fucking happily-ever-after.”

  She frowns as she looks me over. It’s not like I’m disgusting. I had
a shower yesterday. Or was it the day before?

  “Tria, I’m worried about you.”

  I pick up another bag of chips that I have stashed beside my bed, and I open them while curling up for the next movie on my list. It had so better have a good ending, or I’m buying a plane ticket to Hollywood so I can beat the hell out of someone.

  “Why?” I ask casually, even though I’m not stupid enough to not know her reason for concern.

  “You haven’t answered your phone all week—”

  “I have for business related things,” I interrupt, letting her know I’m not that far gone. Is it so wrong to need some space from everyone and everything that is connected to the man who unintentionally broke my heart?

  “Okay… Are you mad at me?”

  I wish I could be. It’d make seeing her less painful. “No,” I confess, sighing.

  She seems relieved by that, but the worry in her eyes doesn’t lighten. If anything it seems to weigh on her even more.

  “Tria, you’re not leaving your house, and now you’re yelling at a movie.”

  “The wonderful world we live in has so many delivery services. There’s no reason for me to leave. And yes. I’m pissed that I ordered a romance and got a sick, Shakespearian twist that made it a tragedy.”

  The new movie starts playing, promising to be a bit comical. Thank God it isn’t another tear-jerker.

  “Tria, it has been a week.”

  She underestimates how much I cared about Kode. They all do. I’m sure not even he understands it.

  “Rain, if Dane and you split up right now, where would you be?”

  Her brow puckers to mimic her frown. “Under the covers,” she groans.

  “Well, I’m sitting on top of them, so I’m already doing better than you would be. Cut me some slack. I’m not done wallowing.”

  It takes so much effort not to break down and bawl, but I manage to escape the tears. My trashcan is overflowing with tissues. I’m fairly sure my nose will be forever raw. And my poor stomach is hating me for all the junk I’ve crammed into it over the past week.