Almost Never

by Amy Lamont

  "In part," she said.

  "In part? I do seem to remember you saying yes and showing up at that party. That seems pretty much a full yes to me."

  "I meant you couldn't take total responsibility for wearing me down." She nodded her head toward the living room. "I wanted to go out with you, but I had no intention of saying yes. All I wanted was to make a few friends and focus all my energy on my studies. But Jamie convinced me I needed the full college experience--frat boys, beer pong, and all."

  He shoulders dropped. "And then I fucked everything up."

  "Caitlin fucked everything up."

  He shook his head. "I definitely helped. And I let things stay fucked up by not talking to you afterwards. Or at all in the last two years." His voice sounded weary by the last few words.

  She shrugged. "However you want to look at it, Jamie blames herself for pushing me into going to that party and the way I've been since then."

  "The way you've been?"

  She looked away from him, biting her lip. "You know. Kind of just staying on the fringe of the whole college thing. Avoiding parties."

  He reached out and gently turned her face towards him. The pain in his eyes burned through her chest. She blinked away the moisture in her eyes, fighting off the sting of tears.

  "I'm sorry," he whispered.

  "Not your fault." Her whisper matched his.

  "It is. You missed out on your whole college experience because of me--"

  "Because of Caitlin," she corrected. "Not you."

  His hands ghosted down her arms to her grasp her hands. He pulled her close, holding tightly to her hands. He dropped his forehead against hers, something that seemed to be becoming a habit. "You can't blame it all on Caitlin."

  She sighed slid her forehead to the side so her head rested on his shoulder, her face tucked into his neck. "I can, too."

  He chuckled at her whiny whisper and kissed the top of her head, his lips lingering for a moment.

  "But you're right. Caitlin isn't the only one to blame." She took a deep, shuddering breath as the revelation hit her. Maybe there was something to Professor Costa's criticism. "Really the only one to blame for my college experience is me. I could have done things differently. Made different choices."

  He let go of her hands so his hands could roam up over her back, stroking soothingly from her shoulder blades to the small of her back. She closed her eyes and nuzzled into him and inhaling his woodsy, warm scent. "Mmm...."

  "What would you have done differently?" His deep voice was barely a murmur in the foyer.

  She stayed where she was, eyes still closed, body relaxed into his. "Lots of things. I could have went after you at that party and told you my side of things. I could have made an effort to make friends. I could have sat in the front row of all my classes and let my professors know I was there."

  "Do you think those things would have made a difference?"

  "I don't know. But at least if Professor Costa turned me down, I would have felt like I did everything I could to get what I wanted instead of tucking my tails between my legs and avoiding everyone on campus." Her eyes popped open and she pulled back to look up at Declan, her words becoming fierce. "And if nothing else, I could have gone up to Caitlin at that party and told her to go fuck herself."

  He pulled her back to him. "Knowing what I know now, I wish you would have."

  "Then maybe you and I would have...." She couldn't bring herself to finish that sentence.

  "Yeah," he whispered into her hair, "maybe we would have."

  She smiled against his neck. "But maybe if I did that then, we wouldn't be here now."

  "That would be a real shame." He bent his knees so they were face-to-face and kissed her tenderly, his lips soft and gentle but fierce against hers, conveying all the emotions that had been swirling around them the last hours.

  "That would be a shame," she whispered with a smile as he pulled back and straightened.

  He touched a finger to the tip of her nose and then followed it with his lips. "I guess I should leave you to talk to Jamie."

  She looked back over her shoulder toward the living room.

  "Yeah, I guess so," she said with a complete lack of enthusiasm.

  "Tomorrow?" he asked.

  She nodded.

  "I'll call you and we can figure out a time for me to pick you up." He gave her a swift kiss and then slipped out the door.

  She rested her fingertips against the door as a small thrill surged through her. "Tomorrow."

  Chapter 8

  She walked back into the living room wishing she could hold onto the feelings Declan left her with instead of hashing things out with Jamie.

  Jamie had been the one person on her side in the last two years. Harper couldn't leave things the way they were. Jamie had been a good sounding board for all the Declan angst the last few days. Hell, the last few years. At the very least, Harper owed her an explanation.

  A glance around the room told her the living room and kitchen were Jamie-free. No sign of her anywhere. She sighed and headed down the back hall to the bedrooms, stopping at Jamie's closed door. She knocked. "Jamie?"

  The door opened abruptly. Harper jumped back, her hand to her chest.

  Jamie leaned on the doorframe. "Oh, can you fit me in now?"

  Harper shook her head. "It's not like that, Jamie. Not even a little bit. I just wanted to say good-bye and finish the conversation we were having when you walked in."

  "Conversation?" Jamie huffed out a breath. "What was that about? Whose turn it was to stick their tongue in whose mouth?"

  Harper’s stomach churned with a combination of nerves and pain at Jamie's dismissive words. They didn't fight very often, but Harper always hated when they were at odds. And nothing had ever been as bad as this.

  "We were just confirming plans for tomorrow," Harper said softly.

  "Ah, so the saga continues."

  "Knock it off with the sarcasm, James. Come sit and talk to me."

  Jamie straightened from the doorframe as if Harper asked her to pull her own fingernails out one by one. "Fine."

  Harper rolled her eyes behind Jamie's back and followed her into the living room.

  Jamie plopped into the overstuffed chair perpendicular to the couch. Every inch of her body screamed that she didn't want to be there, talking about this. But Harper knew it was all an act. Harper might be the invisible girl, but Jamie was rubber woman. She liked the world to think nothing got to her, that insults and injury bounced off her without making a dent.

  But Harper knew the more unemotional Jamie got, the more emotional she was feeling. It was her way of raising the shields.

  "Jamie, I know you're upset with me. But please just listen. Let me explain."

  Jamie huffed out a breath, but managed a small nod.

  Harper hid the smile that wanted to creep out. A tiny nod from Jamie was like complete capitulation from someone else. Harper took it and ran. She opened up the floodgates and told Jamie every last detail of the last few days, right up to the smooching that happened before Declan walked out the door.

  When she was done, she inhaled deeply and raised her eyes to Jamie's face. Jamie had a better poker face than anyone Harper ever met. But they'd been friends long enough Harper could usually find one or two tells, anything to let her know what Jamie was thinking.

  This time around was no different. The corner of Jamie's eyes crinkled and things started to become clear to Harper. Declan's insertion of himself in Harper's life was setting off all of Jamie's alarms. Jamie was worried about Harper.

  “You’re a good friend, you know that?” Harper asked.

  Finally, finally, finally, Jamie let all her shields down. Her shoulders sagged and she fell back into the deep chair. “I give you the ice princess treatment and you tell me I’m a good friend? You might be a little certifiable.”

  Harper laughed, relieved. “Ice princess means you care. It’s when you do the fake nice that I start to worry.”

&
nbsp; Jamie barked out a laugh.

  "Seriously, Harper, you know I just get so mad because I'm worried about you."

  Finally Jamie admitted to what was going on inside her head.

  "I know, James. And I appreciate it. And believe me, I totally understand your concerns. I have them myself." Harper worried her top lip between her teeth. "I even know how stupid this is going to sound, but...I trust him."

  Jamie popped straight up in her seat, eyes wide. "Really? After everything?"

  Harper thought about it for a few minutes, digging deep to make some sense of her feelings for Declan. "Okay, maybe it's not that I trust him. At least not yet. But I want to trust him. I can't remember the last time I thought that about anyone."

  Jamie continued to stare at Harper. She shook her head. "I want to support you. I really do. Do you know how long I've been waiting to see you open up to someone besides me? There are a lot of great people at this school, but I think your experience with Declan and his friends made you paint everyone with the same brush. I don't want you to miss out on a thing. But can you understand why I might have some reservations about Declan being the very first person you open yourself up to again? Look how you hid yourself for years because of Declan walking away from you at a party. What's going to happen if he walks away from you after you really open up to him? And what about your future, Harper? What about getting into the mentorship program? Do I think there might be another way to do it? Of course. But I am one hundred percent behind you and your plan to do this your way. It's bad enough the way your aunt keeps you under her thumb. But Declan Cooper...."

  Harper's throat became thick with tears. She hadn't realized what a burden Jamie had been carrying on her behalf. She stood up and plopped herself on the arm of Jamie's chair, leaning down to hug her.

  "Thank you," Harper whispered, fighting tears.

  "For what?" Jamie's thick voice made it clear her tears weren't too far from the surface either.

  "For being such a good friend to me. I don't think I would have survived here the last two years if I didn't have you to lean on."

  Jamie hugged her back. "You would have managed. You're a survivor."

  Harper sat up and smiled weakly, but couldn't quite put her heart into it.

  Because that was the problem. Harper was tired of being a survivor. Wasn't there more to life than simply surviving every day? Isn't that why she'd made all the plans for medical school? So she could have a life of her own.

  But it came to her on a sudden bolt of clarity. "I think I'm ready to do more than just survive my life. I don't want to keep waiting to live it. I want to live it now. And for whatever reason, I want to live it with Declan. I really hope you'll keep supporting me, Jamie. I may really need you after I do all this living."

  Jamie leaned into Harper's side, resting her head against Harper's arm. She sighed. "I want to support you, Harper. I really do."

  "Okay?" Harper could tell from Jamie's tone that there was more she wanted to say.

  "I see how you are with your aunt. You spent six years under her thumb. You started working to support yourself when you were fourteen."

  Harper nodded. All this was true, and stuff she'd confided to Jamie over the two years of their friendship. She'd lied about her age to get a job when she was in ninth grade so she wouldn't have to ask her aunt to pay for anything. Every time a field trip or school activity came up, Aunt XXXX threw a hissy fit. Didn't matter if they wanted fifty dollars or five dollars.

  Harper wrinkled her forehead. "What does that have to do with my dating Declan?"

  Jamie rubbed a hand up and down her jean-clad leg. Another one of her tells. She was nervous.

  "You're legally an adult and you're putting yourself through college. You could have packed your stuff and never looked back. But instead, every time your aunt calls, you go running. I know you're still giving her money."

  Harper cringed internally. She was hoping Jamie wouldn't notice that. But she just shrugged. "After my dad died, my aunt was the only one willing to take me in. I owe her. If it wasn't for her, I would have gone into foster care."

  "You might have been better off," Jamie mumbled.

  "Maybe. But who knows. What's that saying about better the devil you know...?"

  Jamie shifted in her chair so she faced Harper. "You always say you owe her. But the truth is, those were probably the best years of your aunt's life. She had a live in maid to cater to her every need. She did the bare minimum to keep child protective services from being called, and she let you believe she was making such huge sacrifices for you.”

  Harper shrugged. "I'm not going to say it was an ideal childhood, but I had a roof over my head, food, clothes. It's not like she hit me. And by high school, I was so busy I hardly saw her. I still don't understand what this has to do with me and Declan."

  "You think you owe your aunt for taking you in. But the truth is, she got the better end of the deal and she treated you like shit. And the thing with Delan...." Jamie lifted a shoulder and let it drop. "I guess I'm afraid it's more of the same kind of thing. He's helping you, and even though you're more than returning the favor, you feel like you owe him something. I'm afraid living with your aunt made you believe that you deserved to be treated like shit. And going out with Declan...I don't know, I guess I'm afraid he's dishing up more of the same kind of shit."

  How could Harper argue with that? She'd had the same kind of thoughts about Declan, worrying that this was all part of some game for him and that once once he passed Bio she would go back to being a gold-digging slut and the butt of his friends' jokes.

  But it didn't feel like that. Her head might be telling her it wasn't a good idea to get mixed up with Declan. But her heart, and pretty much every other part of her body, was firmly in Camp Declan. It was like trusting him, being with him, wasn't even a decision.

  "I can understand why you're worried," Harper said. "And believe me, none of this is anything I haven't thought myself. I guess that's why I've been running away from him every chance I get. But the way I feel when I'm with him, I've never felt...taken care...of before, Jamie. And I feel like that when I'm with him. I don't trust him totally. But I want to."

  "Then I'll do my best to be here for you. But any more crap from him, that I just can't support. I won't stand by and watch you let him treat you like shit."

  Harper offered Jamie a sad smile, knowing that some of this was coming from Jamie's own less than stellar childhood. Despite the fact both of Harper's parents died and she'd been pawned off on her trailer trash aunt and Jamie's parents were alive and well and living in an affluent neighborhood just outside of Boston, they'd bonded over the shared experiences of their shitty childhoods.

  "That's all I can ask for."

  Jamie offered her own sad smile and leaned over and hugged Harper. Harper squeezed her back quickly before pulling away and hopping up from her perch on the arm of Jamie's chair.

  "Now that all that's settled, how about some Ironman?”

  Declan arrived at Harper's apartment with two minutes to spare. He grabbed his offerings off the backseat and headed to her door. He paused before knocking, wishing, not for the first time today, they were staying in. He'd hated leaving her last night. Hanging out on her couch, talking and kissing and fooling around was one of the best times he'd had in a long time.

  But after yesterday, there was no way he could suggest staying in. She would be convinced he was ashamed to be seen with her. He shook his head. Nothing could be further from the truth. If anything, she should be embarrassed to be seen with him. She was gorgeous and so smart. She worked her butt off trying to get into medical school.

  What was his claim to fame? Having an infamous father whose celebrity status meant Declan never had to work too hard to get what he wanted. It was amazing how old that got. It was boring having people doing things for him so he never had to stretch himself to get anything.

  He grinned. Seemed he'd found a cure to his boredom. The little blonde spitfire
waiting for him behind this door was anything but easy.

  What the fuck am I waiting for?

  He lifted his hand, but the door flew open before he had a chance to knock. Jamie, jacket on and bag slung over her shoulder, stopped just short of plowing into his chest.

  He thought he heard her sigh, but when she looked up, her lips were twisted in a sardonic smile. She leaned against the doorframe, crossing her arms over her chest and raking her gaze over him from head to toe.

  "Oh, Harper," she called over her shoulder in a singsong voice, "your suitor has arrived. With gifts." She arched a perfectly sculpted eyebrow at him.

  He shrugged. Did she think he'd be embarrassed to show up with candy and flowers? That was just the beginning of what Harper deserved. He'd be damned if he'd feel weird about showing her that.

  Harper's blonde head appeared around Jamie's shoulder. She gave Jamie a quick shove into the hallway, almost throwing her into Declan's chest. "Sheath the claws, James. Weren't you heading out? Or were you planning on sticking around to give him a hard time?"

  Jamie tapped a finger against her lips, looking up. "Hmm, decisions, decisions. I do have so much studying to do. But it might be worth a hit to my GPA to stay here and pick on Declan."

  "Let me save you the trouble," Declan said as he slid around the brunette standing between him and the girl he'd been waiting to see all day, "we're going out. You'd just be getting warmed up before we had to leave." He stopped in front of Harper and grinned when she tilted her head up to him, blue eyes sparkling, blonde hair loose around her shoulders.

  "Hi," she whispered.

  "You look beautiful."

  She grinned and gave his shoulder a playful push, forcing a laugh from him.

  "Well, as much as I'd like to stand around and watch you canoodle..." Jamie broke off with a gagging sound. "I'll be at the library if you need me, Harper."

  Harper tugged her gaze from his and peered around him. "Okay. Do you have someone to come home with?"

  "Yes, Mom." Jamie was already halfway down the hall. She threw a wave over her head and disappeared into the stairwell.