by Hayden Hunt
“Everyone, this is my boyfriend, Luke. Luke, this is my mother, father, and Grandma.”
They all embraced him with close hugs.
“Oh, so great to meet you!” my Grandma cooed.
“Yes, so glad we got to do this!” my mom agreed.
“The food’s getting cold,” my Grandma announced before Luke even really had time to answer. “Let’s sit and eat!”
We did, and it all went surprisingly well. I could tell that my family was impressed by Luke. First, because he ran his own successful business. Second, because he was an excellent guardian to his nephew Jake. He really came off well; he just had this air of responsibility.
“So, you like kids?” my mother asked. “Because I’d really like to push this one to give me grandkids…”
“Mom!” I snapped. “It’s a little soon for that, don’t you think?”
“Never too soon to plan!” she answered.
I rolled my eyes. “Mom, we’ve had this discussion, I’m not doing the parent thing.”
“Oh, honey, I don’t understand why,” my Grandma added. “You’d make such an excellent father.”
I didn’t agree, but I didn’t argue. I didn’t want to get into this with Luke right here. It was awkward considering we really did disagree about the having kids thing.
Luke put on a brave face and I didn’t think my family noticed, but I could see that this actually upset him a bit. Shit, I was really hoping this conversation wouldn’t come up again for a really long time.
I had my fingers crossed that after the lunch was over, he’d forget that it was even brought up and we could pretend like it never happened. But since he said he needed to talk right after lunch, that didn’t leave a lot of time to forget it.
Holy shit, what if that actually was what he wanted to talk about? I hadn’t even considered that he might have something negative to discuss with me.
After that point in the conversation, I was a little tense at lunch. I tried to hide it, but I knew my Grandma at least could see my discomfort. My parents were pretty wrapped up in bombarding Luke with questions, so I wasn’t surprised they didn’t see.
That was nice, though. I didn’t want them to know. And I didn’t really want Luke to know. Honestly, he seemed a little uncomfortable himself, though he was definitely putting on a good show.
Despite my stress, lunch actually went really well. Luke did seem more comfortable by the time everything was said and done. And my family absolutely adored him.
I knew they would, there wasn’t a thing to dislike about him. He was sweet, he was funny, he had his life together… He was the perfect catch. And I felt so lucky to have him in my life.
Likewise, I felt pretty nervous at the thought of not having him around. So I was pretty eager to wrap things up and find out what it was Luke needed to say to me.
We said our goodbyes after lunch; we used the excuse that Luke had to get back to the costume shop, but he had no intention of returning today. He would be going to my place instead.
The drive over felt a little awkward for some reason. It was weird, because me and Luke almost never had any awkward moments together.
We weren’t silent. We spoke quite a bit on the way back. That was the awkward part, actually. It felt like we were talking somehow… too much?
It was all small talk and it felt like Luke was specifically filling the conversation with small talk to avoid the silence, which was really unlike him. He was a naturally quiet person.
But the entire way to my place, he was filled with questions about my family, about the farm, about my upbringing. Even though we had spoken about a lot of these things in the past, his interest seemed to be rejuvenated after actually meeting my family. And we were talking about a lot of things we hadn’t in the past, I guessed.
Maybe I was overthinking things. Maybe he was really just curious.
As he pulled up to my apartment, I got a text from my mother.
“We all absolutely love Luke! I think you finally found a keeper, baby.”
I was grinning and Luke noticed.
“What is it?” he asked.
“Got a text from my mom! They all loved you.”
“Aw, that’s sweet.” He was trying to sound enthusiastic but it wasn’t really working. “They were really nice.”
“Yeah, it went well,” I agreed. “And I’m so glad. I mean, my family means absolutely everything to me. And, of course, you mean absolutely everything to me. If you guys didn’t get along, I don’t know how I’d feel. I’m so relieved!”
“Yeah…” he muttered. “Well, family is important.” He quickly got out of the car and slammed the door behind him.
I followed him up to my door. “Wait, are you upset?” I asked. “Was something wrong with lunch?”
“No!” he said, sounding pretty angry. “Lunch was perfect. It was all… really, really great. Can we go inside?”
“Uh, sure…” I said nervously as I put my key in the door.
He walked in and immediately sat on the couch. I was walking to the couch too, but at a much slower rate. I was trying to wrack my brain to see what might have caused this fight.
And then it hit me. He got upset when I brought up my family being important to me. This was exactly what I didn’t want to happen. He was upset that I didn’t want kids… He wanted a family.
Fuck.
“I think I know what this is about,” I said as I sat down next to him.
He looked up at me, shocked. “You… you do?”
“Yeah… This is about family, right?”
“Yes,” he admitted. “It is.”
“Look, babe, do we really need to have this conversation right now?”
“What?” he asked, appalled.
“I mean, things are just going so good for us. And our relationship is so new. I don’t know that we really should be bringing up whether or not we want kids.”
“Want… kids?” he asked.
“Yeah, that’s what you wanted to talk about, right?”
“Well, not really…” he said quietly. “I guess maybe, in a way, whether or not you want kids is going to play into it a little bit but… No, not what I wanted to talk about.”
“Okay, so what is it?” I asked anxiously.
“It’s Sabrina… The doctors aren’t confident anymore that she’s going to pull through.”
My hand instinctively flew to his. “Oh, baby, I’m so sorry.”
He nodded. “Yeah… Me too…”
“Is there anything I can do to help you? Anything at all?”
“I can’t think of anything, but… but you brought up something I hadn’t considered.”
“I did?” I asked. I couldn’t think of anything I’d said that tied into Sabrina’s condition. “What was it?”
“You talked about kids. And you really don’t want them, right?”
“Right,” I agreed.
“Well… I might have one now.”
I froze, because I hadn’t really considered that either.
“If something happens to Sabrina, you’ll be keeping Jake.”
“Of course. I’m the only one he’s got. And I love him more than life itself.”
“Right, I know. I… don’t know why I didn’t think of it before.”
“So, are you leaving?”
“What? You mean like, leaving you?” I asked, shocked.
“Yeah, you don’t want kids, right?”
“No. But I would never leave you at a time like this. I don’t know how you could even think that of me. I’m going to be there for you.”
“But for how long?” he asked. “You don’t want kids, Peter. How are we going to work that out? I’m going to actually have a kid that I’m taking care of all the time. Is that really the life you envisioned for yourself?”
“No, admittedly, it’s not. But so what? You need me right now. And I’ll stand by your side.”
“Why?” He shook his head. “Are you going to stick by me right now just
to leave me later?”
“Luke, stop, who cares about later right now? You’re going through such a rough time—”
“I do!” he snapped at me. “Maybe you can be satisfied with no kids because you’ve got this wonderful, beautiful family already by your side. But I don’t, okay? I’ve got my sister and I’m about to lose her. I can’t go through the rest of my life never having the family that I crave. I wasn’t born into a very healthy family, but I can make one, damnit. I can have kids and a husband who loves me and—”
“You know I’ll be a husband who loves you,” I said quickly, trying to deflect.
“You can’t be! Not with Jake in the picture, right? Are you seriously going to marry me when I have a kid?”
“I… I don’t know,” I stammered.
“You don’t know?”
“Well, no! I hadn’t pictured this and I need time to make such a big life decision…”
“It’s going to hurt me worse, you know. When you leave me later. I may be going through a hard time right now but that only means I’m going to grow more attached to you. I’m going to learn to rely on you only to have you… Well, only to have you leave me. For my world to shatter a second time.”
“Baby…” I reached out to grab his band, but he pulled it away.
“If this is going to end, we’ve got to end it now,” he said seriously.
“No! Absolutely not! I’m not leaving you alone.”
“No, you’re not,” he agreed as he stood up. “I’m leaving you alone.”
“Are… Are you serious? You’re breaking up with me? But we… we have something.”
“Yeah, we do. I know we do. Trust me, I feel things for you that I wish I didn’t. That’s why I’m doing this.”
“But I don’t understand!” I said desperately.
“Then you’re not listening! Look, Peter, I’m already going through one tragedy. I don’t want to go through a second when you decide to leave me. I’d rather deal with all my pain now and then begin to heal sooner. I don’t want to heal from losing my sister only to have to deal with losing you later on.”
I could feel myself beginning to panic. “Well… Well, who knows?! Who knows what will happen? Maybe I’ll change my mind. Maybe I can deal with it…”
“No.” He shook his head. “You can’t. I hear the way you talk about kids. You don’t want them. If you stay with me anyway… Just, no. You’ll resent me one day. I can’t do that to you. I can’t torture you that way.”
“You don’t want to torture me? Then don’t leave me! Baby, please, I can’t live without you. Already, I can’t live without you and… and we’ve only barely begun! We can’t be ending this so soon.”
“I’m so sorry, Peter, I truly am. But I have to do this. It’s for the best. You’ll thank me one day.”
Fury swept over me, replacing the panic.
“The hell I will!” I snapped. “You’re taking away the best thing that ever happened to me. This is the one relationship I can picture being life long and you’re just going to end it?”
“For your own good! It needs to end for your own good!”
“Don’t do that!” I yelled again. “Don’t act like you know what’s good for me better than I do. You’re good for me! You’re the only thing I need and I would make any sacrifice I needed to keep you. Now stop with this, okay? I’m not leaving you! Not now, not ever, so you can sit your ass back down and we can talk about this like adults!”
I got a little bit of relief saying that. I wasn’t confident in my words, but I convinced myself I was. I told myself I was going to make the right decision for the both of us. I imagined when I told him we weren’t breaking up, we really would sit down and talk it out.
But we didn’t.
Instead of sitting down, Luke started walking out the door.
“Where… Where are you going?” I said, the panic coming back to me.
“I’m sorry, Peter. You’ll thank me for this later,” he said before he walked out of my apartment.
Fuck.
10
Luke
I couldn’t believe what I’d just done. My first instinct was to take it back. But I couldn’t. Because, in my heart, I knew this was the best thing.
As great as Peter’s family was, they only solidified that this was the right decision. They were so happy, and I wanted that. I wanted a family like that. No matter how much I loved Peter, that was something he was never going to be able to give me.
Jake was still at school when I got home and I was grateful because I needed some time to myself. Time to cry, time to feel the impact of what I’d just done.
I couldn’t say I honestly regretted it, though. Not when I knew it needed to be done. But that didn’t mean my heart wasn’t breaking.
God, maybe Peter was right. Maybe I needed him right now. I could have used some support while going through this with Sabrina… Was it stupid to insist we break up right here and now?
I didn’t know. All I knew was that I was way more overwhelmed now that I was alone again.
In the short time I had been with Peter I had gotten used to having someone around. I had forgotten what it felt like to be alone in all of this.
It didn’t feel good.
And I didn’t think I handled things well, either. I had been harsher than I intended to be when I broke up with Peter.
I guess with all the frustration of what was going on in my life coupled with seeing his fantastic, happy family… I had resentment built up. I was honestly mad at him.
But that wasn’t fair. So he didn’t want kids, so what? That wasn’t his fault. He had a right to feel however he wanted to about having kids, as did I. Just because our opinions differed didn’t mean either of us was wrong.
But that didn’t stop me from being irrationally angry at him. It was almost like he was putting a cog in my happy plans. If he just wanted kids, we could be together forever. He could be my soulmate, and we could have a future together.
But since he didn’t, that plan could never happen. And I liked him so much more than any other guy I’d ever known. I could sit here and tell myself that one day, eventually, I’d find a guy who wanted kids who I also loved deeply, but… but what if I didn’t? What if I’d met the man I was supposed to be with and it was Peter?
Holy fuck, seriously, what if I didn’t? What if he was the only one out there for me. It sure felt like that sometimes. I knew the soul mates thing was illogical but what if? Was having kids really worth losing him over?
I didn’t know. All I knew was that being a father had been a dream of mine and I couldn’t let that go. Fathering Jake in this very difficult time had only made me more sure of that. This was who I was meant to be…
I couldn’t focus on this anymore. Every time I thought about Peter, more feelings came up for me and I became even more indecisive. And it wasn’t helping anything because the decision had already been made.
We were over. That was all there was to it.
The next week without him was more than a little difficult. Every time I went to sleep, I was kept awake with thoughts of how much I missed him. When I woke up, I’d feel happy for a split second and look at my phone to see if I had my usual ‘good morning’ message from Peter.
And then I’d realize that there was no text from him and there wasn’t going to be and I’d become depressed all over again.
It didn’t help that Halloween was tomorrow. It was Peter’s favorite holiday and he had been excited to spend it together for weeks. I was dreading it, honestly, because I knew he wanted to watch scary movies while we gave candy out to trick or treaters…. In fact, I avoided making a definite plan specifically because that sounded so awful.
But now? Watching scary movies cuddled up by him on the couch sounded like heaven. Fuck, I missed him so much.
I was going to be taking Jake trick or treating, though, so at least that would distract me a little bit. I allowed him to get that horrible gory mask from my shop as well as a fak
e blood-stained mental patient costume. A little dark for a kid’s costume, sure, but oh well. He wanted it, so I’d give it to him.
Who knew what kind of state we were going to be in next Halloween?
The thought ached me, for more than one reason. The next year just looked so bleak for the both of us. After we got the official word on whether Sabrina would be transferred out of the hospital, everything was going to change for the both of us.
And I was going to have to deal with it all without Peter.
It was lunch time and I had made these cute ham sandwiches cut in the shape of a pumpkin. I knew Jake would love it, and I had to do something to keep myself busy. If I didn’t, I was constantly tempted to pick up the phone and call Peter.
“Jake, it’s lunch time!” I called out.
He came running, already wearing his mask on his head, though he hadn’t put on the costume yet.
“You know we aren’t going trick or treating for several hours, right?” I asked him.
“I know!” he said eagerly as he sat at the kitchen table and waited for me to bring his sandwich to him.
“Well then, why don’t we take that off until we’re actually ready to go?”
Begrudgingly, he took it off but he also sat it right next to his plate.
“A pumpkin?” He laughed.
“Yep, pumpkin sandwiches for us today. Enjoy,” I said before biting into my own.
We ate in silence for a few minutes. Until Jake started reaching the end of his sandwich, at which point he turned to me.
“Uncle Luke, is Ashley coming tonight?”
“No. Why do you ask that?” I questioned.
“Usually Ashley comes over and you go see your friend.”
Right, my friend, that was how I referred to Peter. He and Jake had met briefly a few times, mostly just saying hello and goodbye before we left to our date. I didn’t want them to spend a significant amount of time together because, well, I didn’t want Jake to begin to like Peter and be disappointed when things ended between us.
And good thing I did, considering that was exactly what happened.
