by Hayden Hunt
“No, we’re going trick or treating, remember?” I asked, eager to drop the subject. Something about Jake questioning me on Peter just made my stomach queasy.
“I know. But after trick or treating?”
“No.” I sighed. “I’m not seeing him after trick or treating. I don’t think I’ll be seeing him much at all anymore.”
Jakes eyes got wide. “Why?”
“Well, it’s complicated. I don’t think we’re going to be friends anymore, is all,” I answered shortly.
“But I thought you loved your friend?”
“Loved him?” I asked. “What makes you say that?”
“I saw you kiss him,” he said quickly. “I saw when I was peeking out the window. You kiss someone when you love them.”
Shit, guess I didn’t do as great a job at hiding my relationship as I thought.
“Well, yes, that’s true…” I said, trying to think of how to word things. At this point, I realized I may as well be honest. “And I do love him. But sometimes you love someone and you still can’t keep being friends with them.”
Jake shook his head. “No, Uncle Luke, when you love someone you be their friend no matter what.”
I couldn’t help but laugh. “I mean, real life is just a little more complicated, Jake,” I told him.
“No! That’s real life, Uncle Luke! When you love someone you can’t live without them.”
I didn’t know why that hit me so hard. I guess because, honestly, I felt that I couldn’t live without Peter. Every day I spent without him only reminded me of that more.
“So what do you think I should do?” I asked him, as if a six-year-old could solve my problems.
“You just be his friend again,” he said nonchalantly.
“What if I can’t be his friend again?” I asked.
“Why can’t you?” he asked, as if this was unfathomable.
“Well, because I messed up. I made a big mistake and I don’t know if he’ll want to be my friend anymore.”
“Everyone makes mistake, Uncle Luke. He will be your friend. You have to tell him sorry, though.”
I couldn’t help but laugh at his overly simplistic life views. I didn’t expect much, of course, he was six.
But maybe he was still right. Maybe I was actually overcomplicating a simple situation… Hadn’t that been what I was doing from the beginning? Making things more complicated than they actually needed to be?
What if he would take me back? What if all I had to do was apologize to him? And we could start over again… No, I didn’t want to start over. I wanted to continue where we left off. Because where we left off was damn good.
“Maybe I will apologize,” I told him as I finished up my sandwich.
“Good. You need friends, Uncle Luke. I don’t want you to be lonely.”
God, this kid always had a way of warming my heart.
“So, hey, after trick or treating tonight, how do you feel about making a quick stop on the way home?”
11
Peter
I was sitting at home, eating popcorn, and watching a horror movie marathon on television on Halloween night. I should have been thrilled, as this was exactly how I wanted to spend my night.
Except I wanted to spend it with Luke.
Life had been so fucking difficult without him. I cycled between hating him for breaking up with me and not saying a word to me and missing him so badly it was all I could do to keep myself from picking up the phone.
I couldn’t really be mad at him, though. He was only doing what he thought was right. Hell, what probably was right… If we both didn’t want kids, it would never work, right?
Only, I’d been thinking about it a lot this last week and a part of me thought I could come around to the idea of kids. I’d been trying to figure out why exactly I didn't want them, what it was about parenthood that didn’t appeal to me…
And then I realized, it was nothing. There was nothing that didn’t appeal to me about parenthood. Except for the fact that I didn’t think I was going to be a very good one.
I had come to realize that was all this boiled down to. I liked kids, I liked the idea of having a great relationship with one of my own and bringing them into a healthy adulthood with someone I loved by my side.
But that was all it was for me, just an idea. The reality was, I probably didn’t have it in me to be a healthy parent. Not when you considered what my parents were.
Not my adoptive parents, of course, who were fantastic. But my real parents. Who lost me because they were so obviously neglectful a neighbor called Child Protective Services on them.
How could a person do that, seriously? You were supposed to be biologically inclined to love your own flesh and blood more than anything. You were supposed to do anything to protect them. I was literally how our brains were wired to be toward our offspring.
But it wasn’t wired into my parents. When the call to protect came, they couldn’t answer it. And I had their biology, so… maybe it wasn’t in me either. Maybe having a child would break something in me and I’d never be able to live up to the potential that I should.
I didn’t know how to shake that fear. I didn’t know if I could. I didn’t want to fuck some poor kid up. It wasn’t like you could have a child then decide ‘hey, parenting isn’t for me, see ya!’ Once I made that decision, it was made. And I was so terrified of the finality of that.
But maybe if Luke had simply given me a little more time, I could have figured this out! He didn’t need to make that decision right then and there. We really could have had time. And I could have supported him through all of this.
That was another aspect of this that was driving me crazy. I was constantly worried about how he was holding up. I wanted nothing more in this world than to be able to support him through anything and everything.
But I couldn’t. I couldn’t even to call him to check in. It would be crossing a boundary. He was the one who broke up with me. It would be just plain desperate for me to go to him after that. If he wanted to talk to me, he’d come to me, right?
I paused the television when I heard the doorbell ring. Another set of trick or treaters. Earlier, they were at the door nonstop, but they had slowed down considerably.
I grabbed my bowl of candy (which, admittedly, I’d been eating out of in addition to the popcorn) and walked to the door. There were three adorable kids standing in front of me, their parents hanging back on the sidewalk. One little boy was a zombie, one little girl was a doctor, and a second little girl was Wonder Woman.
“Trick or treat!” they hollered in high pitched voices.
“Wow, how great do you all look!” I said as I grabbed a handful of candy and dropped several pieces in each of the bags.
“Thank you!” they all chimed before running to their parents on the sidewalk.
They all had these big grins on their faces. Not just the kids, but the parents, too. I remembered when that used to be me walking from house to house with my parents before we all went to help Grandma at the corn maze.
I could picture doing this with Luke one day. With our own little one, or with Jake, going house to house in complete and total happiness.
But that probably wasn’t in the cards for me.
I closed the door behind me. Seeing kids over and over again tonight only reinforced the idea that I didn’t hate kids at all. I liked kids, I really did. I liked them so much I didn’t want to ruin one of them.
I went back the couch and did my best to focus on my movie, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t focus on anything except my future and losing Luke. Both thoughts were beginning to become unbearable.
Maybe I shouldn’t be home alone tonight, I thought. My whole family was at the pumpkin patch, so maybe that was where I should go. They’d distract me.
I chose not to go tonight because they all thought I had plans with Luke. I had successfully avoiding telling them this week that we had broken up. I knew how disappointed they’d be; they were all so excited
at the thought that I was actually settling down with a nice guy.
But maybe it was time to tell them. After a week of no contact, it didn’t look like Luke was going to change his mind. I guess that was the real reason I hadn’t mentioned it. I was hoping that maybe Luke would change his mind and my family would never have to know we were having issues.
But if he was going to come crawling back, you’d think he’d already have said something by now. And I couldn’t be alone anymore tonight. It was making Halloween depressing and it was my fucking favorite day of the year. The least I could do was go spend it with family.
I flipped off the TV, went to grab my shoes, and was ready to head out the door when I heard another ring at my doorbell.
Right, trick or treaters. I guess I’d give these last kids some candy and then turn off my porch light.
I grabbed the candy off the coffee table again and hurriedly went to the door.
But it wasn’t trick or treaters at the door. At least, not the kind of trick or treaters I expected.
Standing before me was Luke and who I imagined was Jake in a very bloody mask.
“Trick or treat?” Luke said softly.
“Well, I don’t know,” I responded with an eyebrow raised. “Seems like a trick to me.”
I wanted to say something harsher. Even though, really, I was suddenly elated to see him, I was also extremely frustrated at the fact that he hadn’t said anything to me all week.
But I couldn’t say anything too bad, not with Jake standing right before us. Ha, I wondered if that was why he brought Jake, to soften the blow on him a little bit.
I grabbed a handful of candy and put it in Jake’s bag. “Hey, Jake, great costume,” I told him.
“Jake, you remember Uncle Luke’s friend, right?”
“Yes!” he said enthusiastically. “You’re the friend you need to say sorry to!”
Luke blushed. “Yes, the friend I need to say sorry to…” he said softly. “Any way we could come in for just a second? If not, I understand.”
“No, uh, that’s fine,” I stuttered.
Luke knelt down next to Jake. “Jake, how would you feel about watching a scary movie while I talk to my friend?”
“Yeah!” he said excitedly.
“All right, let’s get you to the couch,” he said, giving him a high five before turning to me. “Can you pick out something pretty mild?”
“Yeah, no problem, they’ve got something really outdated from the ‘70s playing right now. It should be fine.” I went back over to the TV remote and flipped it on for him as he literally jumped onto the couch. “You can have some popcorn too, Jake.”
“Thank you!” he said gratefully.
With him glued to the television, Luke and I stepped into the kitchen.
“So, what’s up?” I asked flatly.
“I’m really sorry to drop in on you like this but I had to talk to you. And not just over the phone. I… I need this to be in person.”
“Okay, what?” I asked, sticking to my monotone voice.
“I need to apologize to you. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for how I treated you when I broke up with you I was… really upset and going through a lot and I’m so sorry.”
“Okay,” I said. “Is that it? You’re… sorry that you broke up with me in a rude way? But not that you broke up with me at all?”
“No! No, that too. I… I was being rash. You were right. I didn’t need to make that decision right then and there. I’ve missed you so fucking much, Peter.”
I could see the pain in his eyes and realized immediately I was being too harsh on him. Maybe I had a reason to be upset with him, but he really was going through a hard time. Not just a hard time, but a really horrible tragedy. And I couldn’t stand to see him hurt like this.
“No, you did the responsible thing. It was only going to hurt later when we couldn’t decide on the kids thing…”
He reached his hand out to me. “Well, maybe I don’t need to have kids? I mean, I always imagined myself with kids, but… I also can’t imagine a life without you and…”
“Oh, babe.” I put my hand on his. “Stop, please stop. You can’t do that. You can’t change your future plans for me. You were right…”
“So, you just want to stay separated?” he asked desperately. “But I love you so much. I haven’t been able to imagine life without you… I mean, I know I’ll probably end up with Jake either way, but maybe that’s something we can work around. We can keep doing what we’re doing now, seeing each other on weekends and for lunch dates and—”
“But I don’t want that. You don’t want that, either. That’s a relationship that won’t ever grow. I told you when we first met, I don’t want to stagnate. Even from the very beginning of our relationship, I imagined a life where I got to see you every day. Where we lived together, woke up together, went to bed together… I can’t stand this seeing you for one date night a week thing. Even with the lunches, it’s not enough for me, babe.”
“Then maybe you can learn to like Jake!” he said, even more desperation in his voice. “I mean, he’s a really sweet kid and—”
“Wait,” I stopped him, “is that what you think this is about?! You think I just don’t like Jake?”
“Well, don’t like kids in general, yeah.”
“That’s not true at all. Not only do I like Jake, he’s a sweet kid, but I like kids in general. I really do.”
“Then… I don’t get it. If you like kids, why don’t you want to have them?”
I sighed, leaning my head in one of my hands. “It’s complicated.”
“Well, tell me. We can tell each other anything, right? That hasn’t changed.”
“Babe, honestly, I don’t want to fuck a kid up. You remember what I told you about my parents, the awful things they did. I mean, CPS found me in a diaper that hadn’t been changed for an entire fucking week! They were terrible parents.”
“Oh, honey.” He reached out, his hand grabbing mine. “But you don’t even remember them. They don’t have an influence in your life. And your actual parents are so great! You were raised so well.”
“They may not have had influence over my childhood, but they have influence in my DNA. And caring for kids? That’s a biological instinct. Maybe an instinct I don’t have.”
“Is that seriously what it boils down to? Like, if you could know you’d be a great parent, would you have kids?”
“Yes,” I admitted. Not just to him, it was something I had to admit to myself. “If I knew I wouldn’t fuck a child up, I’d want to be a parent.”
“Then, baby, you need to have kids! You can’t let this fear control your life. And you’d make a fantastic father! DNA or not, we are who we choose to be. And you are a nice, smart, fantastic guy.”
“I don’t know…” I muttered.
“I do. I know you’d be a great dad. Look, what you’re worried about is something every person is worried about. You think I’m not concerned after how shitty my own parents were to me? They might not have neglected me, but they fucking abandoned me the second they found out I was gay. Who does that? What kind of parent forgets the love of their child just because of their sexuality? Yeah, the thought that we might become our parents is terrifying, but it doesn’t need to be true.”
“I guess… I just, I don’t know.”
“Well, that’s fine,” he said, gently rubbing my shoulder. “You don’t need to know right now. This isn’t something you really need to figure out right now. You take your time.”
I nodded. “But what does this mean for us?”
“Look, I broke up with you, so the ball is kind of in your court right now. What do you want to do? Do you want to try things out again? Because I do, and I think we can figure out the kids thing later on. Especially now that you’re more up in the air on it.”
I thought about this for a second. Of course I wanted to be with him; every second of this week I was hoping that he would reach back out to me and that we could continue our
relationship. I wasn’t going to turn him down now. I wasn’t going to turn him down ever.
“Yes, I want to be with you,” I said.
He instantly wrapped his arm around me; his excitement was palpable, but I wasn’t finished.
“But you can’t do this again,” I told him seriously. “I know life is hard, and it’ll probably continue to be hard. But you can’t continue to push me away like this. You need to rely on me, not lash out on me.”
“You’re right,” he said as he pulled away from the hug. “I’m new to this relying on people thing, you know? I haven’t had this kind of relationship before. But you’re positively right. From now on, it’s me and you. Me and you fighting everything else, I promise.”
“Good,” I said shortly, trying to hide my own excitement.
But I couldn’t. Slowly, I began to lean in to kiss him, but we were interrupted when Jake ran into the kitchen.
“Uncle Luke, Uncle Luke, your phone is ringing!” he said, running Luke’s cell phone to him.
He grabbed it quickly, his face sinking as soon as he saw the caller ID.
“What is it?” I asked.
“It’s Doctor Rushmore. He never calls me on my cellphone. This must be important.”
I knew what he was thinking, that this must be really bad news.
“You have to answer,” I told him. “Whatever it is, we’ll figure it out, I’ll help you. But you’ve got to answer.”
He nodded, swallowing hard, and then picking up.
“Hello?” he answered. “Yes, hello Doctor Rushmore. You have news?”
He was quiet for a moment, his eyes bulging with every word. My heart was beating faster with every second that passed by, every second we didn’t know what was going on.
I must not have been the only one, because I quickly felt Jake’s little hand grip my big one. When I looked down, his face was filled with worry.
I pulled him close to me, patting the top of his head comfortingly. God, he was so sweet.
I had pushed kids so far from my mind because of my fears, but now that I had Jake’s little hand gripping mine, it was extremely apparent to me that I needed this. I didn’t just like kids, I loved kids.
