Don't Look Back

by Wendy Vella

  “See, told you you were a tough girl.”

  “I've always had people do things for me, Brad. My parents had money and I was an only child and my mother gave me everything I wanted.” Except love, Macy thought. “When I went to school I had friends who did stuff for me too.”

  “Minions, I believe they are called.”

  “Yes, and I was a bitch, Brad. I was nasty and mean, and said and did horrible things, and I still feel the sting of shame when I think about that now.”

  “But you changed, and that's the important point here.”

  “I never had any aspirations, just to be a mother and set up my house with my husband who would take over looking after me. Boy, did I get that wrong.”

  His arms tightened briefly.

  “I'm sorry he was an asshole and treated you badly, honey.”

  “I should have been strong enough to break away, but the shame kept me quiet.” Macy thought about those long, painful years where she lived in pain and isolation. She had been so cold inside, and managed to hide away her fears and feelings behind a brittle façade.

  “Shame?”

  She felt the blanket settle around her body.

  “Shame that the life I had bragged about wasn’t real. Shame that I was worthless and let a man treat me no better than a slave in my own home. Shame that if I did speak out, no one would believe me, because who would care.”

  Maybe it was because she couldn't see his face, or that soon he'd be gone from her life, but the words she usually kept hidden deep inside, seemed easier to say here and now.

  “I had shame too.” His voice was a low rumble as he told her what she doubted he’d told anyone else. “I realized just what I had become one day. The monster I had allowed my father to turn me into.”

  “But you’re not that monster now, Brad.”

  “No, and I never will be again.”

  “Just like I will never be a victim.”

  His arms tightened around her and she felt his lips in her hair briefly.

  “Ethan doesn't talk about your family much, but Annabelle told me he struggled with the guilt of leaving you behind at the mercy of your father.”

  She felt his chest rise and fall.

  “My relationship with Ethan is a mixed-up mess.”

  “No.” Macy shook her head. “You love each other, and the rest will work itself out, Brad. You’re both good men, and you need each other. You have to see that surely? Have to talk this through before you go.”

  “Men aren’t into that kind of thing.”

  “Talking?”

  “Emotions, talking, stuff like that.”

  “The men here are mostly, but they do it in their own way, and over beer, football, and food.”

  This time it was he who laughed.

  “Ethan carries a lot of guilt about you, Brad.”

  “We all carry guilt, Macy. I'm sure your bucket’s full of it.”

  “Overflowing actually.”

  “Two messed-up souls.” He closed his arms briefly around her.

  “Something like that. You need to cut your brother a break, Brad.” Macy was determined to get him to talk about Ethan. She knew when they left there she’d probably never get another chance. They were alone, squashed in this small space, and neither of them was going anywhere until they heard a helicopter.

  “How do you figure that?”

  “Because you made the break from your father when you realized that if you didn’t, he would destroy you. When you walked out that door you left your mother behind, just like Ethan left you and the rest of his family.”

  She felt his body jerk. Macy had struck a nerve.

  “My mother will never change.”

  “Sure, I get that.” Macy let the subject drop now. She’d said enough, knew he would think about her words, and hoped that in time the brothers could be friends.

  “Why won't you let Billy have a dog?”

  “What?” The conversation change threw her.

  “You heard, and why not?”

  “It's just another responsibility, and one that will fall on me.”

  “You never had one is my guess.”

  “That doesn’t have anything to do with it.”

  “Sure it does, but it would be good for him to learn to care for a dog, and it would offer you protection.”

  “I get this constantly from everyone in Howling.” Macy sighed.

  “So do it.”

  “I'll think about it.”

  “Think harder.”

  “Did Billy put you up to this?”

  “He’s what… four? You think he’d be that cunning?”

  “Definitely.”

  He snorted.

  “Will you tell me about your friend Mark who died?”

  His chest heaved in and out, and she knew this was a painful subject for Brad.

  “He was the first person I could really be myself with.”

  “Branna was that for me.”

  “He seemed to cut through my bullshit and see the person inside. He helped me to change. Helped me to see who I wanted to be.”

  His voice was deep, and Macy heard his pain. She slipped her fingers into his, and gripped them tight.

  “Branna told me I was important. Told me that I wasn’t worthless.”

  Macy remembered that dark night when Branna had found her, remembered the words her friend had spoken, that had started her on the path to healing.

  “It’s because they believed in us, Macy. That belief gave us strength.”

  “Tell me about him, about Mark.”

  She rested against him as he talked. The words came out slowly, as if each one had to be forced from his chest.

  “Mark was like Ethan is now. Comfortable with who he is, comfortable and confident in his own body.”

  “That’s how I see you, Brad.”

  His laugh was dry. “I’m getting there, but it takes time.”

  “Thank you for telling me about Mark. I know it’s painful for you.”

  “Your dad told me that to keep his memory alive I need to do that.”

  “Dad said that?” Macy hadn’t always been close with her father, but since his illness their bond had definitely strengthened.

  “He did. I hear the helicopter, Macy. You ready to go home?”

  She did too, the slow whomp whomp of the rotor blades.

  “If he can't land because it’s too dangerous, we may need to climb up, Macy.”

  “Oh God.”

  “I won't let anything happen to you, honey. You have to trust me and Ethan to get you home to Billy safe.”

  “I trust you,” she said, turning in his arms. She touched his jaw. “You, Brad Gelderman, are a good man, and if this was another time and we weren't two people so messed up a psychiatrist would take several years to straighten us out, I'd hold on to you.”

  He kissed the sad smile from her lips. It was soft and sweet and they kept the contact until Ethan was close. He then lifted her to her feet and they walked out together.

  She watched Brad pull the gun from his waistband and between them they scanned the surrounds.

  “No one has fired at us since we left that clearing, Macy, so I think we're safe, but we have to do this quickly, okay?”

  They moved to the small clearing as Ethan's bird arrived. She lifted a hand and waved, and it moved to hover above her. Jake's head appeared, and then the ladder.

  “He doesn't want to land and be a sitting target, so we have to climb up, Macy.”

  “Okay.”

  She looked at the ladder swinging toward them and felt a rush of fear so strong she could taste it. Macy wasn't a big fan of heights. She could handle them inside a helicopter, but swinging about on a ladder wasn't on her bucket list.

  Brad grabbed the harness Jake threw down and bundled her into it. His hands were steady and sure while hers shook along with the rest of her body.

  “Okay, baby, Jake's got you now, so even if you slip, he'd pull you up.”

&nbs
p; “Brad—” Panic made her limbs go weak.

  “You got this, Macy. Remember, you're strong now.”

  She looked into his blue eyes. He really believed she was strong, and that gave her the courage to climb.

  The ladder swayed, even though Brad held one end and Jake the line she was attached to.

  “Keep going, you're nearly there!”

  She kept moving, one foot, one hand, until she felt Jake's hand around her wrist. The relief was indescribable.

  “Hey there, sweet cheeks.”

  She fell into his arms for a brief hug then hurried into the front seat after Jake released her harness and threw it back down.

  “He's already started climbing.”

  “Fuck” was Ethan's response to Jake's words. “I’m killing him when I know he’s safe.”

  Macy only saw Brad as the ladder swung out. Unlike her, he was quick, even though the ladder moved.

  “Is he close? Get him in, Jake.”

  “Settle, Tex, he's nearly here.”

  Macy's heart was literally in her mouth as she watched Brad grab Jake's hand, and then he was inside.

  “You could have fallen, fuck, Brad, it would only have taken minutes to secure the harness!”

  Ethan's words were hoarse with fear.

  “N-no time, we need to get out of here in case whoever shot at us decides to have another go.”

  He was breathing hard like her, and Macy thought, now that she could compose a rational one, that her arms felt as if they'd been wrenched from their sockets.

  Ethan let loose with a string of curses, and they let him. He'd had to leave them, the brother he loved and her, the friend he loved, to drop off Buster and Willow.

  “You okay?”

  Macy nodded to Brad.

  “You did awesome.”

  She felt warm all over, and smiled. They were safe, and she could allow herself to relax. In fact, she felt the ridiculous urge to giggle.

  “I suppose you left that bag of muffins down there too?”

  They all laughed at Jake's words. The release of tension left Macy exhausted.

  “I need to get in shape,” she added, which made them laugh again.

  The rest of the journey was accomplished in silence, but she knew when they landed, there would be a party of people waiting, all wanting answers to the questions they would fire at them. Her people, the ones who cared for her and Billy, and now Brad. Only she wasn’t sure he realized that yet.

  As Howling came in to sight, Macy felt the first tear fall. She would see her boy again.

  “Hey, I told you we would get back safe.”

  Macy sniffed, then squeezed the hand Brad held out to her. She intercepted the look Jake and Ethan threw at each other, but didn't care. She and Brad had been through something today, something that bound them together, no matter the distance he put between them in the future. Yes, they'd made love, but this was more. They'd run from danger, and then sat in a tree trunk and bared small parts of their souls.

  Brad saw the landing party as Ethan brought his bird in to land. Buster, Willow, Branna, with Rose in her arms, Newman, Declan, and Cubby and Katie. All wore worried expressions, and he heard Macy sniff as her tears flowed at seeing them, her people.

  “You guys always do everything on a big scale?”

  “It’s the way it works here, Brad. Brace yourselves, there will be hugs and questions, but after that you’ll get food and coffee. Get it done then we can all eat,” Jake said, climbing out first when they landed. He lifted Macy out and she ducked under the blades and ran with him into the arms of Buster.

  Brad watched her friends crowd around her and thought it would be a nice feeling to have so many people on your side.

  “Leaving you like that was one of the hardest things I've ever done. Especially as I had to leave you before.”

  Ethan’s words were strained. He hadn’t moved, still facing forward, his eyes staring out the windshield.

  “I wondered as you flew away if we'd see each other again.” Brad hadn’t moved either. Now that they were safe, and Macy was back with her friends and Billy, he was filled with relief, his body exhausted.

  “God, I'm sorry I left you with him.”

  “Ethan.” Brad sighed.

  “No, just hear me out. I didn’t realize until Annabelle enlightened me that I felt so much guilt for leaving you, but I did, bucketloads of it.”

  Macy was right, he did need to cut his brother a break. It had taken her and what had happened to them out there at the Buchanan place to make him see that. To finally break through the anger and resentment he harbored.

  “You don't need to keep going there. I understand now why you did what you did. He was destroying you, and you were taking it because you were protecting us.”

  “I couldn't do it anymore.”

  The words sounded as if they’d been wrenched from his brother.

  “I know that now, but I'm not going to lie, I fucking hated you for leaving. But I understood it more as I felt him destroying me.”

  Ethan released his harness and turned in his seat.

  “But you weren't ready to forgive me?”

  Brad shook his head.

  “But you’re getting there now?”

  This time when he looked at Ethan, he didn’t feel the rush of emotion, just something softer that settled inside him.

  “Macy said something to me out there today while we were waiting for you. That I was harboring guilt because I had left Mother alone with EG. She was right, because sometimes I wonder if she’s coping, and what he’s doing to her now I’m not around. I knew then it was how you must have felt leaving us.”

  “I worry about her too, Brad, but she will never leave him. We both know that.”

  “Yeah, I guess I know that too.”

  “You want to be my brother now?”

  Brad nodded. “Sure, but don’t try beating up on me, that shit doesn’t work anymore.”

  Ethan flashed his teeth in a smile.

  “Can I ask what the deal with you and Macy is now that we're okay?”

  “No deal.”

  Ethan snorted.

  “Come on, the sparks between you two are epic.”

  They were, Brad realized, but like Macy had said when they were sitting in the trunk of that tree, both of them were too messed up to even think about turning those sparks into something more.

  “Macy’s a lovely woman, Ethan, but we both have way too much emotional baggage to be anything but friends.”

  “Maybe you could heal each other?”

  He gave his brother a look that he hoped shriveled his balls, but he simply smiled. It was very hard to threaten a Texan with just a look.

  “Men don’t say shit like that. You should be ashamed of yourself.”

  “It’s love, it’s got me thinking in flowers and hearts.”

  “Oh now I really am going to puke. Let me out, I need food. All that adrenaline and running for my life has given me an appetite. Plus, I can’t stomach any more of your BS.”

  The brothers climbed down, and then Ethan hugged him, holding him tight, and Brad did something he hadn't done in years, if ever. He hugged him back.

  “Love you, bro.”

  “Oh God, are we doing that already?” Brad said the words around the lump in his throat.

  “It's only right.”

  “Okay, ditto then.”

  “That’ll do.”

  They walked together, shoulders bumping, and he saw the look in Macy's eyes as they approached. She was happy, and for that look alone, he was pleased he had taken the step.

  “I need to hug you too.”

  “Really?” Brad dug his toes in as Willow came at him.

  “Inevitable, bud,” Buster said.

  They all hugged him, the women, that was. The men slapped his shoulder and pumped his hand or bumped a fist.

  “Thanks for looking after our girl here,” Cubby said.

  He shot Macy a look. She was tucked under Decla
n's arm.

  “She's strong enough to handle herself.”

  He saw her little smile. Maybe now she'd start believing in herself. These people loved her, but they needed to let her be strong too, and he needed to leave soon. Leave and not look back, because Macy Reynolds tapped into something deep inside him. He wanted to protect her, hold her, and take her to bed and never let her leave. If he felt anything else, he wasn't acknowledging it… ever.

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  The church was packed. People filled every corner, and Brad knew that everyone had turned out to have their say in the matter of Buchanan land.

  Cubby was to chair the meeting. Annabelle and Newman were to talk and present the facts as they now knew them. They'd requested a copy of the will, but as yet it had not arrived.

  Newman's friend whom he'd first heard the news from said Ms. Buchanan hadn't had the land listed for sale, but was more than happy to sell to the Falkirk Consortium when they presented their offer.

  Brad and Ethan had no doubts EG was the driving force behind this entire thing, and the reasons behind it were not sound business ones. Hell no. EG wanted to get at his two sons. As far as Brad could see, it was purely and simply revenge, and the asshole had the money to throw at it. What worried him and Ethan the most though, was that EG had openly said he’d do what he could to destroy Lake Howling, and he wasn’t a man to make idle threats. He had the money behind him and could do a power of damage with it if he chose to.

  “TJ.”

  “Mac.” Brad nodded to the proprietor of the Roar.

  In the two weeks Brad had been in Howling, he'd become familiar with many of the locals. It was hard not to. They pretty much forced him to interact, and he had to admit he didn't hate it so much now.

  “TJ.”

  “Mr. Heath.”

  “Walt, boy.”

  Brad nodded, remembering the day he'd arrived in Howling, and how Walt Heath had urged him into the church. Was it only two weeks ago? It felt like a lifetime.

  Scanning the seats, he told himself he wasn't looking for Macy, and found her in the middle of the aisle across from him. She was wedged between Buster and Militant Lawrence, the woman who had offered him a ride the day after he’d bought groceries.

  She was a member to the infamous Lake Howling book club, and from what he gathered, the women in it pretty much ran the town.