by Val Daniels
“No.” The idea appalled her.
Dan’s hand went to his eyes and he cradled his head for a moment. “Please, Alicia, I don’t want to fight with you.” His hand dropped and he released a sigh as his shoulders sagged. “Whatever you think, I just want to take care of you and the baby. I’ll be back later this afternoon. Think about it.”
The shivering started the second he closed the door behind him. She hit the nurse’s button.
“I think I’m going to be sick,” she managed to blurt. The nurse took one look at her, grabbed an ugly green plastic dish from the cabinet beside the bed, and supported Alicia’s head.
“Morning sickness,” the nurse said, smoothing her damp hair from her face as she eased her back onto the pillows.
Alicia was sure she matched the green container the nurse took into the bathroom. “You don’t think it’s the flu?”
The nurse chuckled. “No, hon. At this morning’s report, they said you had a peaceful night. We’ve been delivering breakfast trays. You probably smell the food.”
Alicia looked at her skeptically.
“Believe me. I’ve been through this four times myself, not counting all the new mothers I’ve helped along in the twelve years I’ve been a nurse.”
“Doctor Bill said I might lose the baby.” Alicia’s eye’s welled with tears.
The nurse swabbed her face with a cool washcloth. “According to your chart, things are looking pretty good.” She smiled reassuringly. “You watch, you’ll be back here in a few months and I’ll bring your new baby in to you. This will all be like a bad dream.” She sighed and turned back to business. “Dr. Bill ordered the IV out, shall we do that now?”
Alicia nodded and within minutes the nurse was finished and busily packing up the paraphernalia. “Can I do anything else for you before I leave?” she asked. “We’re supposed to try you on a liquid diet. I’ll send the aide in with your tray.”
Alicia’s stomach began to churn again.
“If you keep that down,” she said, winking, “you’ll be home by tomorrow. And your baby is going to be fine.”
Except for the continual flow of hospital staff through her room, Alicia had the rest of the day to think. She knew they were all taking a special interest in her because she was “Doc Dan’s” fiancée. She wondered how many of them knew that they’d broken the engagement. Probably most, she admitted. In a town this size, everyone knew everyone’s business, especially the doctor’s. He was community property.
She half expected some censure or disapproving looks. From discussions with Brad, she knew that pregnancy without the bonds of matrimony happened here, the same as it did in St. Louis, but it was hush-hush. All that remained was speculation.
She was sure Dan wasn’t getting off so easily. She’d once seen one of his elderly patients lecturing him like he was still six years old, and the memory made her smile. His golden image showed signs of tarnish, she imagined, and if his relationship with his secretary was common knowledge, he’d be verbally tarred and feathered. She’d have the sympathy of everyone in Providence.
Her job with Adams and Associates had brought her here to work. The two Adams brothers were computer consultants who talked only in bits and bytes. Three years ago, while she was working as their receptionist, she had shown a knack for translating plain English to their language, and vice versa. Despite her limited secretarial school training, they’d immediately recognized her other skills and hired her as their trainer. She was their go-between with the people who used their customized software once it was installed.
Fate had smiled on her when she went to work at Adams and Associates. She loved working with people and traveling from town to town. And they paid her well. Coming to Providence was an extra bonus. Brad was here.
Brad had accepted a teaching job here last year. She’d jumped at the chance to be close to him for a couple of months while Adams and Associates yanked Providence Hospital into the computer age and looked forward to having time to get to know his new wife. Cindy was a local girl Brad had met and immediately married. So coming here—and getting paid to stay for a while—had been a great streak of luck.
Then she’d met Dan. When he first started finding fault with the computer programs she was training the office staff to use, she assumed he was one of those people who had decided to live in the Dark Ages forever. She finally lost her temper when he started picking apart the new billing procedures.
He’d admitted that his aversion to the computers had more to do with the prospect of her finishing the job and leaving than anything else. Then he’d turned on his electric blue eyes and smiled that killer smile and asked her to have dinner with him.
Of course, he was called back to the hospital ten minutes after-picking her up for their first date, but he’d returned at one o’clock in the morning, and by two, she’d known she was in love with him.
Two weeks later, she’d made love to him with as little thought as she’d given when she’d instantly said yes to his proposal and they’d announced their engagement.
Two months later, she was lying in his hospital, expecting his child—if she didn’t lose it—and they were discussing legalities and parental rights. A tear escaped and rolled ignored down her cheek. What was she going to do?
Dammit, dammit, dammit. She still loved him, and if he insisted on seeing her baby twice a week for the next eighteen years, she’d have to see him, too. She’d never get over him. And marriage to someone you didn’t trust? What kind of hell would that be?
Unfortunately, he was right about one thing. She couldn’t continue to semi-move from place to place every few months and raise a baby, too. And with the number of graduates from specialized schools these days, even her work experience wouldn’t do her much good. She’d either be trying to raise a baby on a secretary’s income, or she’d be gone all the time and paying someone else to do her mothering.
If she could just get him to agree to help support her and their baby for the first year. She could work until it was time for it to be born, put aside some money, stay home for a year, and take some kind of course that would make it possible to get a normal job. It would work. She’d just have to convince Dan.
“You scared me to death,” Brad’s voice broke into her thoughts. He hugged her. “How are you feeling?”
Alicia smiled. “A whole lot better than I did last night.”
“Then why are you crying?” He thumbed a tear off the end of her chin. “Is it the baby?”
“Everyone seems to think it’s going to be all right.”
“Have you talked to Dan?”
She nodded and bit her lip.
“And?”
“Oh, Brad, it’s a mess. He assumed we’d just go ahead and get married.”
“Maybe you ought to.”
“Not you, too?” Her horrified look matched her words.
He raised one shoulder. “You know I like him, and I’ve never seen you as happy as you were before you broke the engagement.” She would have interrupted but he charged on. “I know I don’t know what happened. You wouldn’t tell me, remember?” He tweaked her nose like she was seven again. “Whatever it was, are you sure you couldn’t work it out? He looked demon-possessed last night after they brought you in. I don’t think he acts that way over every patient.”
“I caught him with his receptionist, Brad,” she said bluntly.
Brad’s jaw dropped. “You’re positive?”
“I saw them.”
He forced a tight-jawed smile and calmed himself, but not before Alicia read the fury in his eyes. “So what are you going to do?”
She shrugged again. “Any suggestions?”
“He’s willing to help you out?” Brad asked, re-situating himself and taking her hand in his.
“We didn’t get that far.”
He frowned and she told him about their “talk.”
“Well, you for damn sure aren’t going to marry the bastard. I wish you’d told me before. I wouldn’t ha
ve let him near you last night.”
They were both silent for a few minutes. “Don’t worry, Sis, we’ll come up with some kind of solution.”
“It’s not your problem, Brad. I’m afraid this one I’m going to have to solve myself.”
Brad shook his head. “We’ve always managed to work things out together. I’m not going to desert you now.”
“I know. But there’s really nothing you can do this time.”
Brad scowled. “Are you sure about Dan?”
She resented the question and regarded him with narrowed eyes.
“I would have sworn he was in love with you. Maybe you didn’t understand what was going on with his receptionist.”
“Maybe he just has his father’s wandering eye.” She busied herself with the fold in the sheet. “Haven’t you heard any of the stories about the late doctor?”
“Well, I’ve heard hints that he messed around with everyone but his wife,” Brad admitted.
“I’ve been hearing those stories since my first day here. Can you imagine that kind of marriage? I don’t want to be the second pitiful Mrs. Bridges.”
“Maybe we’re thinking about this from the wrong angle,” Brad said suddenly. “Maybe you should marry him and let him take care of you and the baby. Why should this all be on your shoulders?”
“Brad!” She looked at him as if he’d lost his mind.
“Think about it,” he exclaimed. “He owes you that much. Nothing says you have to stay married forever, or even that it has to be a normal marriage.”
“It sounds so cold and emotionless.”
“I just hate to see him get off the hook so easily,” Brad said, and glanced at his watch. “I promised to pick up Cindy at the Quick Stop at 4:30. I’d better run. We’ll be in this evening.”
“No, please, I’d rather you didn’t,” she said, motioning him back to the bed. “I need to be alone tonight.”
He scowled.
“Dan said he’d be in after his afternoon rounds.”
Brad’s anger resurfaced. “I don’t want him anywhere near you. Hasn’t he done enough?”
“I’ll have to deal with him sooner or later. The sooner I get it over with, the easier it will be to decide what I’m going to do. A minute ago you were ready for me to marry him so he could take care of me.” Alicia gave him the smile that had always worked to get her big brother’s co-operation. He smiled sheepishly. “I’d appreciate it if you came in the morning. I’m hoping I’ll get to go home and the sooner I’m out of here, the better. I’ve known every move Dan has made all day. The aides are so anxious to help.” She pushed him off the edge of her bed. “You’d better go.”
“I know.” He kissed her forehead and tried to smile. “I’ll see you in the morning. Call me if you need anything.”
Dan walked in at five-fifteen, making a production of closing the door behind him. “I couldn’t wait,” he said, facing her like a belligerent little boy. “I’ll do my rounds later. I haven’t been able to concentrate on anything all day. I hope I haven’t killed a patient.”
“I still don’t know what I’m going to do, Dan.” She lifted her chin slightly.
“What we’re going to do,” he amended.
“We don’t have to decide tonight. I wanted to talk to Bill, first.”
“He says things are stable. You aren’t going to miscarry.” His jaw tightened, making the slight indentation in his chin stand out.
She cleared her throat. He’d come in so suddenly, that her first impulse had been to hold out her arms. Being in his arms again would feel so good.
As if he read her mind, he gently pulled her into a semi-sitting position and wrapped his arms around her. “This is our problem, our baby. Don’t shut me out, Alicia. I’ve never felt so many emotions in my life.”
She stayed in his arms, letting herself feel protected. His chest rumbled against her ear as he spoke.
“I’m terrified. I’m concerned about you. I’m amazed that I could screw up things to this extent. I let you down with the situation with Maggie. I messed up the birth control.” He paused, taking a deep breath. “But mostly, I’m excited. I know I’ll be a terrific dad. Give me that chance. We can marry on any terms you want.” He laid her back against the pillows, bracing his fists on either side of her shoulders. His eyes gleamed. “We can make it work.” His urgent tone, the sheer delight in his eyes annihilated her protective shell.
“I didn’t mean you couldn’t be a father to this baby,” she said. “That doesn’t mean we have to get married.”
“Are you going to stay in Providence?”
The question surprised her. The personal items in her furnished apartment were already packed. Her new job started at the end of next week. Yet she hadn’t considered being anywhere but this small, friendly town to raise her baby.
“If you are, it will be difficult for her if we aren’t married. This isn’t St. Louis,” he added unnecessarily. “And it shouldn’t matter, but I’m not just some Joe Blow who goes to work everyday at eight and comes home at five. The gossips will have a field day. Every time she does anything, good or bad, it will be because her parents were never married, ‘poor dear.’ ” His eyes softened. “I want her to be a part of my life, but she’ll hate being here. And if you don’t live here, I’ll never see her except on weekends or holidays. I’ll be a stranger. I can’t bear that thought.”
She shut out the sight of him. It was hard to think clearly with him so close. And his concerns were genuine.
“Couldn’t we give it a try, for her sake?”
“What about us, Dan?” she spoke quietly.
He shifted away, folding his arms across his chest. “We can start over. I won’t rush you.” Each word sounded measured, precise.
“I’ve always wanted love, a home and family. I’m still hoping for that someday, with someone.” She stuck out her chin defiantly. “I don’t want to just settle for an existence.”
“I didn’t say we’d have to be married forever.” His back stiffened as he echoed Brad’s words. “If it doesn’t work, we could always divorce. That isn’t such a big deal anymore. Even in Providence, half her classmates would probably be in the same boat.”
“What makes you so sure it’s a girl?” she interrupted. “Do you know something I don’t?”
He looked at her frowning for a moment. “I don’t know anything,” he said, shaking his head. “‘She’ just sounds right.”
“That’s funny. I’ve been thinking ‘he’ and earlier the nurse referred to the baby as a ‘little guy.’”
“And you’re just trying to change the subject because my logic is sinking in,” he accused mildly. “Do we have to argue about the sex of our baby, too?”
“No,” she whispered, staring intently at the fingers she’d entwined over the sheets. “But it sure beats most of the conversations we’ve had lately.”
“I know,” he agreed sadly, and they were both quiet for a moment.
“You don’t think a divorce would affect him adversely, then?”
“Maybe,” he said, grinning back at her. “But she would have a normal start in life to prepare her for it. And she’d have the chance to know us both.” He studied the tip of his sedate brown shoes. “I don’t want to be a stranger to her, and you need time after she’s born. You must see that it would be impossible to manage your job and a newborn baby. At least not by yourself.”
He sat silently while she mulled his suggestion over. His face became a mask, devoid of thought or emotion. “You said we could be married on any terms I want?” she finally asked.
He nodded.
“I want some kind of agreement.”
He compressed his lips irritably.
“In writing,” she added.
He started to protest but Alicia’s bitter look stopped him.
“What do you have in mind?” he asked.
She thought for a while and appreciated his silence. “When the baby is born, if either of us want out, I get fu
ll custody. You can have reasonable visiting rights—” she clipped on to stop his interruption “—and you’ll pay a reasonable amount of child support.”
Dan continued to watch her, silently nodding to each of her “conditions.”
“And although we’ll live in the same house, it will be purely for appearance sake.”
The muscle in his jaw jutted farther. “When I suggested starting over, I hoped we would try for a normal marriage.” He didn’t move an eyelash.
Alicia shook her head. “This is just for the baby.”
“I’ll get my lawyer to draw up an agreement.”
“I didn’t mean-”
“I don’t sign anything like this without Shawn looking at it first,” Dan put in before she could go any farther.
“But won’t that cause exactly the kind of talk you don’t want?” she argued. “I meant something just between the two of us.”
“You can’t have it both ways, Alicia,” he said. “I won’t have you running out in a year or two and taking half ownership of my clinic and everything my father worked so hard to establish. And I’ll probably tell Shawn about this conversation over a good stiff drink as soon as I leave here anyway. You trust him, don’t you?” He exhaled a heavy sigh. “Even without the legalities, Shawn would never say a word to anyone,” he added quietly.
Dan was right. He had the right to some protection himself, too. She twisted the white sheet around the fingers of one hand then untwisted it again.
“This isn’t easy, is it? If we are going to live in the same house for the next year or two, we’d better practice making peace, hadn’t we?”
She looked up to see the expression that went with the soft tone but he instantly cloaked it.
“As for a physical relationship, you needn’t worry,” he promised.
She shuddered involuntarily. She’d have to keep her distance. She couldn’t begin to imagine living in the same house with him without wanting him. She longed for him to take her in his arms now and make the ache go away. She ached for things to be as they were before Maggie. But she was learning that what you want isn’t always good for you.
