Hard To Love You (The Love Series)

by Smith, Megan

  A few hours and lots of fun later, Logan asked, “You want to take a walk on the beach?”

  I smiled over at him and agreed. “I’m not ready for this day to be over yet.”

  Logan smirked, “Last one there is a rotten egg.” Then he took off like a bat out of hell.

  I yelled after him, “No fair, your legs are too long.”

  After Logan and I were done acting like little kids, playing around in the sand, writing our names in the sand and helping a little girl build a sandcastle, we went across the street to one of the best little places to eat, called The Raven. Logan and I sat in there eating and drinking for hours. I thought things would have been weird between us after I pretty much avoided him my whole freshman year, when I thought he was messing around with someone else on the side. I’m glad I cut ties with Logan back then; it just wasn’t in our cards to be together. Talking with Logan came easy, yeah the occasional fan came over and wanted to talk to Logan about the upcoming year and he nicely answered their questions and then dismissed them. If this was Mason he would have made them putty in his hands. Logan and Mason are so different and it’s kind of refreshing, but not, at the same time. Logan has the blonde hair that is all over the place but looked good, Mason’s hair is dark and he keeps a short. Logan is toned, but really skinny, with long legs, which works for him considering he’s a running back for ODU. Mason is toned but more filled out for his six foot frame. And the biggest opposite is the way they carry themselves. Logan is sweet, gentle, funny and caring. Mason is cocky, sarcastic, conceited, and temperamental on the outside, unless you know the real Mason; the one that is protective, caring, loving and affectionate.

  After our second beer, Logan says hesitantly, “Bentley kind of filled me in on what happened with Mason.”

  I set my beer down on the table, “Of course he did. Bentley’s like a girl when it comes to gossip.” I laughed.

  Logan laughed right along with me and then his mood went somber, “I was surprised by all that. I thought that Mason and you would wind up getting married.”

  My mood shifted again and the ache in my chest came back, but not for long. Logan started being really sweet, telling me all the things that I needed to hear. “There are more fish in the sea.”

  I try to smile through the sadness, “I know but it doesn’t make it any easier.”

  “True, but you’re too beautiful to be tied down by anyone just yet.”

  And just like that my mood changed again. I smirk over at Logan this time, “Are you trying to get into my pants, Logan?”

  He looks at me bashfully and then looks away at a couple walking in. “Things always have a way of working themselves out, you know.”

  By the time we finish our beer I’m ready to go home and put this day behind me, and take another step forward.

  Bentley got me a job answering phones, filing and performing general office duties at his aunt’s doctor’s office. The pay was good and it was close to the house so I could actually walk. Most of the time, one of the guys were around though, and they always offered to give me rides. I started pitching in for the bills and I felt more like I belonged now and not like a freeloader. Most of the nights I would cook dinner while the guys cleaned up afterwards. We all had a nice routine down.

  Bentley is still throwing his crazy ass parties, which I only hang around at for a little bit. A few times I got pretty toasted and those were the nights that I missed Mason the most. Other times Logan and I would hang out, in either my room or his, watching movies.

  The boys were pretty clean but I still refused to clean the bathrooms. It was bad enough I had to share a shower with them, I sure as shit wasn’t cleaning up after them. Bentley was still Bentley, playing his little pranks on me. I learned my lesson long ago to always check before you sit, you never know when he would put saran wrap on the toilet bowl. He even ruined Oreos for me. I had opened a packet and he got a hold of them one night when I went to bed and scrapped out the cream in the middle and replaced it with tooth paste. Most disgusting thing ever. He would often ask how I was doing and each time the answer was better. I wasn’t back to the old Hailey, and I don’t know if I ever would be. I felt like I grew up a little after all the Mason drama that went down.

  Zeke had talked me into getting a tattoo. It took me about two weeks before I finally decided to just let him do his thing. There are four, pink, stargazer lilies on my right side. The first lily starts right where my bra lies - it was a fun time while that was healing - and the last one sits on my right hip. There are intricate lines that wrap all around the lilies, making it look even more striking and feminine. It hurt like a bitch and I whined the whole time but Zeke said I handled it like a champ. Once I got one I couldn’t stop. My next trip was for a tattoo and a piercing. The piercing is a dermal anchoring on my left hip that acted as a center for another flower that Zeke tattooed a week later. I am getting the other side done in the next week or so.

  While life continued I do my best to move forward, but there isn’t a day that I don’t think about Mason. I miss him so much. Some days I feel like picking up the phone, just so I could hear that raspy voice that I longed for. I never do though, because the pain would only be worse in the end. I delete Mason from my Facebook account; change my email address and cell phone number. I feel like this is the only way to try and erase him from my life. I have to try to move on. Despite my progress, most nights I cry myself to sleep. One of the first few days I was there Logan heard me crying. He climbed in my bed and held me, trying to soothe my sadness. At first, being in arms not belonging to Mason felt foreign but there was something familiar about Logan’s embrace. He managed to ease my sobs until they were nothing more than a few stray tears and I fell fast asleep. It was the most peaceful sleep I’d had since things with Mason ended. From that night forward I have shared a bed with Logan. In the mornings Logan returns to his room and I go about my day. We haven’t talked about our sleeping arrangements but I feel a change with Logan. After he and I both get home from work I would catch him watching me. He always fixes me a plate of food while he gets his. Logan allows me to shower before him. I wonder about that one because he’s in there for an awfully long time after I get out. I try not to think about it but if I’m honest it kind of feels good knowing I affect him.

  Just this morning, when I woke up, Logan was watching me sleep. I could feel his eyes on me before I even opened mine. When I rolled on my side to face him he lifted my chin so he could look me in the eyes. His face inched closer to mine, I froze. I wasn’t sure if I was ready for this with Logan just yet but then I told myself to relax and Logan kissed my cheek, before rolling out of bed and leaving me there with my thoughts. Could this routine become something more? Could I actually start another relationship? Was I ready? Was Logan the right person to try that with? All these question swarm in my head.

  After I’d finished getting ready for work I went downstairs to get my coffee. Logan was standing in the kitchen. He winked at me when I walked over to the coffee maker.

  “Morning.”

  I laughed, “Morning.”

  I glanced down at the coffee maker and I see my travel mug is already made and waiting for me. I looked up to Logan smiling at me.

  “Thank you.” I stood on my tiptoes to kiss him on his cheek but he turned and I kiss him on the lips. I freeze mid-kiss. His lips were different but familiar too. They weren’t the soft, pouty ones that I craved but they were warm and inviting. After a few seconds I broke off the kiss and stared at Logan in shock.

  Logan mumbled, “I’m sorry.”

  I narrowed my eyes at him, “No you are not.”

  He walked towards the fridge, “You’re right. I’m not.”

  I smiled. I think I am actually ok with the kiss. “Don’t let it happen again.” I joked with him.

  “Okay, whatever you say.” Logan said with his head shoved in the fridge, looking for something.

  I grabbed my travel mug and started to walk away from him so that
I could get to work on time but as I passed by him his hand came out and smacked me on the ass. “See you later, honey.”

  I squeaked in surprise. I didn’t answer him back as I walked out of the house with a big ass smile on my face. Today was going to be a great day. The sun is shining, it’s not too hot and I just got my first, post Mason, kiss and I’m okay.

  We’re on the road again, I can tell from the bed I’m sleeping in. It’s hard as a rock and the pillow is flat. I hate flat pillows. I don’t want to wake up just yet but the heat radiating on my back is making me uncomfortable. I know what I’m doing is wrong but I don’t give a shit. I have to do something to take away the stabbing pain in my chest, even if it’s only for a few hours.

  I open my eyes; blink a few times to clear the fog. The room is still spinning, my stomach clenches. I take a deep breath and try to push it away. When I’m sure I’m not going to puke I notice the pasty white arm draped over my bronze skin, it doesn’t belong there. I try to move onto my back but her body is right up against me. Fuck it. I need a shower. I throw my legs over the side of the bed and start to sit up. I look around the room and there are clothes strewn everywhere. The lamp that was on the dresser has fallen over in my drunken frenzy with the cleat chaser who’s now in my bed. My clothes bag that was on the chair near the window is now empty. All my clothes are wrinkled and piled next to it. I stand up, letting the sheet fall to the ground, and make my way to the bathroom. The full length mirror that I pass on the way still has my hand prints from where I took her up against it. I reach in, turn the shower on as hot as it will go and step in. The shower doors click shut and it echoes. Even with the shower running it’s too quiet, I can’t stand when it’s quiet because then my mind starts wandering back to Hailey. It’s been months and I feel like I’m drowning. I thought the pain would have eased up by now but it hasn’t. Not at all.

  Growling in frustration I quickly wash and turn off the water. As I’m stepping out, the girl, whose name I can’t remember, walks into the bathroom. I grimace at the sight of her; damn, those beer goggles were really working last night. She’s like a twig, and I hate that. Her rib cage, collarbone, and hip bones are sticking out. I like a girl with some meat on her bones; I want something to hold onto while I’m driving into her.

  “Morning,” She croons.

  Her voice sends a convulsion right through me. I need to get the hell out of here and fast.

  I wrap the towel around me, tightly, walk over to the sink and brush my teeth.

  “Morning,”

  “It’s still the middle of the night, why don’t you come back to bed and we’ll pick up where we left off?” She says as she walks over to me and places her hands on my shoulders. I shiver but not in a good way, she repulses me. I can’t believe I fucked her last night, and where the hell was Cooper when I left with her? Cooper, that son of a bitch.

  I try to play it cool, “Nah, I’m good. I’ve got some shit I have to take care of. You can see yourself out, I’m not gonna be back until sometime late tonight.” I turn and walk away from her before she can even respond.

  I walk over and swipe my rumpled clothes from the floor. I find a pair of Nike basketball shorts, stick one leg in, and then out of the corner of my eye I see whatever her name is lean against the sink. Shit! I have to get out of here now. I can’t handle it when girls cry; she knew this wasn’t going to go anywhere. I pick up the first shirt I find, which just happens to be one of Hailey’s favorites, and tug it on over my head. I grab my wallet and cell off the nightstand, heaving at the smell of sex on the bed sheets. I hold my breath; slip on my Nike Sliders and bolt to the door without giving the girl another look.

  I stumble into the hallway, still a little drunk from last night. I make it to the elevators and realize I have no idea where Cooper’s room is. I turn on my cell and notice it’s four in the morning. He’ll be pissed I’m waking him up two hours early but I don’t give a shit. I need to disappear before whatever-her-face sees me out here.

  I call Cooper, his sleepy voice answers after the fourth ring. “Mase?”

  My head feels like someone is jackhammering on it. “Coop, what room are you in?”

  Cooper groans, “Room 823.”

  I look around; the room across from where I’m standing is 208. I hit the elevator up. It dings and opens. “On my way up.” I step into the elevator and ride up to the eighth floor.

  Cooper has his door propped open for me. I walk a little further into the room and sit on the empty bed. He never shares with anyone since Coach thinks we are always together. Coach doesn’t know that every night since Hailey and I split, I pay for my own room when we all come back from the bar. I shake my head in disgust; I’m doing exactly what Hailey accused me of. But this is the only thing I can do to help with the pain of losing her. I feel some sort of twisted connection with whoever I chose to sleep with, and that connection is what’s getting me by.

  I look over at Cooper; he’s lying in his bed with his back to me. “Why did you let me take her back to my room?”

  “I’m not your fucking babysitter, Mase. I’m getting sick of this shit, it’s been months and you’ve had a different girl practically every god damn night. You can’t sleep your way through this mess that you fucking created.”

  I sit there and glare at him even though he’s not looking at me. I know he’s fucking right but he’s supposed to understand what I’m going through.

  Cooper turns around to face me, “Don’t you think it’s time you stop this bullshit, Mason? I don’t even know who you are anymore. It’s embarrassing to be around you.”

  The anger creeps up and I lash out. “You know what’s embarrassing?”

  Cooper sits up, “What’s that, Mase? Did you get some kind of disease?”

  “No, asshole, but you may have from sleeping with that cunt, Brittany.”

  All the color washes from Cooper’s face, “How?”

  I stand and pace back and forth but it’s more like stumbling around because of the alcohol. “How do I know?” Cooper nods once. His face is looking a little green. “Lily. That night at the bar when everyone thought I was kissing her, I wasn’t. I pushed her in that nook trying to scare her. She said she knew something about my family and I wasn’t about to let her ruin anything before Kenzie’s wedding.” I look over at Cooper and see him swallow hard and sadness starts to take over in his eyes. “Hailey walked out of the bathroom and thought we were hooking up. The dumb bitch smeared her lipstick so it looked like we did.” I’m still repulsed thinking about it. “Instead of running after Hailey right away and explaining what happened, I stayed, and Lily told me that she knew you slept with Brittany over some spring break and from the expression on your face I guess she was right.”

  Cooper’s eyes close tightly and he pinches the bridge of his nose. “I didn’t figure it out right away, Mase. It wasn’t until Hunter told me he thought it was Brittany that tried to run Kenzie off the road. I was keeping a look out on her Facebook, like Hunter was doing, to see if she’d make any stupid comments. One night I was going through her pictures and I stumbled across one. You can’t tell from looking at the picture because my face was turned into Brittany’s neck but I know it’s me. I remember bits and pieces from that night but there is no denying it was us.” Cooper drops his hand to his lap. “Jaylinn is never going to forgive me about that shit and Hunter …”

  I state the obvious, “It happened years ago dude.”

  We sit in silence for a little bit, both lost in our heads.

  Cooper looks over at me, “You let that shit ruin you and Hailey?”

  I look down to the floor, then back to Cooper, and nod. “I wanted to talk to you first. I didn’t know if what Lily said was the truth or not. We don’t need any more damn drama and I wanted to avoid it at all cost. Kenzie deserved to have the wedding that she did.” I shrug my shoulders. “It was worth it.”

  “Is it still?”

  I rest my elbows on my knees, with my hands clasped out in
front of me, and hang my head. “Coop,” I close my eyes and flashes of Hailey’s face come flooding in. “I miss her. I’m miserable without her. I don’t know what to do.”

  Cooper sits himself up in bed and lies back against the headboard. “Fucking around the way you are isn’t going to change anything. You need to deal with it dude, and not in that way. Talk to her about what happened, Mason.”

  I lift my head up, “I explained everything to her at Mom’s that night we split but it was too little too late.”

  Cooper looks over at me seriously, “Says who Mason? Where’s my pain in the ass twin that doesn’t stop for anything until he gets what he wants?”

  I run a hand through my hair and sit up. “I don’t know, Coop. He disappeared when I lost her.

  “That’s your first problem. Have you heard from Hailey at all?” Cooper asks as he yawns.

  I slip my sliders off and lay back against the pillows. “Not a word. Maybe this is why it’s bothering me so much. She’s always been there no matter what, and now that she’s not I feel like a piece of me is missing.”

  Cooper’s eyes grow heavy and he yawns again, “Maybe you need some final closure now that you two have had a chance to cool off.”

  Maybe I do need to get some closure. “You going to talk to Jay?”

  Cooper settles in bed, “I’ll have to eventually.”

  I tuck my hands behind my head and rest my eyes. “So is it the Brittany shit stopping you from giving into Jay? Or is it that shit that happened back at school?”

  Cooper responds groggily, “Both.”

  I doze off, wishing I had some damn pain medicine for this hangover.

  “Mason.” Hailey whispers.

  I rub my eyes with the palms of my hands. What is she doing here? How did she find me?

  “What are you doing?” Hailey asks.

  I shake my head, trying to clear it. I know I’m drunk but not that drunk. “How did you find me? How did you get in my room?”

  Hailey laughs. I turn my head side to side; I’m lying on the beach. The sun is shining brightly, waves crashing in the distance. I peek up at Hailey, with the sun shining on her hair it looks like it’s glowing. Her pretty blue eyes pop against her sun-kissed skin. I reach up to her face but when I try to run my finger over her lips it distorts. I blink a few times and she’s back.