by Lewis, R. J.
Kayden stirred in my arms again, and I pleaded to the heavens above to keep him quiet. I rocked him some more, but he was frustrated at being held for so long. He kicked up at me and his body jerked. His hands clawed at my neck as I stared helplessly at the man in the bedroom.
He turned to leave, but Kayden’s mouth opened and he let out an angry grunt. Seconds later, that mouth opened even wider and he cried.
Shit, shit, shit!
I turned my body around, shielding Kayden when the closet door slammed open. A meaty hand grabbed at my arm and jerked me out. I screamed, and the noise startled Kayden even more, and he began to scream with me. I tried to fight the man off with one arm but he was too strong.
“Nice try, love,” he muttered, forcing me across the room. “Just cooperate and nothing will happen to you and your boy.”
I was too scared to cooperate. Isn’t that what they said to people going to their deaths anyway? He kept forcing me to move and I kept struggling as I held Kayden to me with all my strength.
Meanwhile Heath’s shouts grew louder.
“Please, please,” I begged. “Please, don’t.”
But the man didn’t listen. He stopped us in front of another large man dressed the same, and he was struggling to keep Heath bound to the ground near the kitchen.
“I found this woman here!” the man next to me said. “Fuckin’ hiding in the closet, man.”
“Get rid of her,” hissed the second man.
“No!” shouted Heath. “Don’t fucking touch her! I’ll do what you want! Just don’t touch her. Don’t!”
Both of the men laughed and I just wept like a fucking useless person.
“Stop fucking moving then,” the second man said.
Heath immediately went limp, all the while he looked up at me in the dark, his eyes filled with so much emotion. He shook his head slightly at me, as if to tell me not to do anything.
“Keep her there,” the second man continued to demand. “Don’t let her come close!”
The first man kept his hand wrapped tightly around me, digging his fingers so far into my arm, there’d be bruises by tomorrow.
“You got yourself in a very unlucky bind, fella,” the first man said as he produced a knife from his pocket. “Was paid to do this. It ain’t personal!”
“Please,” I shrieked.
Oh, my God, he was going to hurt him. They were going to make me watch him die!
“Please!”
Why wasn’t Heath fighting?! He just stared at me, like it was far more important to keep me safe than to try and fight him.
“Fucking do something!” I hollered at him. “Don’t let them hurt you! Heath, do –”
The first man slapped me hard against the face with the back of his hand, and I toppled sideways, landing hard on my hip. My ears rang from the pain, and my world spun for a moment. A scream was heard, but it felt like it was coming from a distance. I put my hand to my ear and looked to where Heath was, feeling disoriented.
Both men were on top of him, keeping him pinned face first against the floor, and he was fighting hard now. They had to use all their strength to keep him down as he thrashed his body. The veins in his neck protruded, the look of despair and anger flashed through him as the man’s arm went around his neck. With a hand holding the knife, the man cut straight into Heath’s throat, from ear to ear.
I screamed as it slid across him, and the second it was done, the two men jumped back and took off out of the apartment, leaving the door wide open.
Kayden was deafening now, and I shook as I clutched him to me. I hurried to Heath’s side just as he rolled over on his back, his hands grabbing at the blood pooling out of him. I set Kayden down and threw my shirt off, rushing to press it against the deep gash that was bleeding him dry. His body jerked beneath me, and his eyes connected with mine. He opened his mouth, but no words came out.
“Oh, my God! Oh, my God!” I repeated over and over again. “Help! Somebody, please! Help!”
I had to get a phone, but I didn’t want to leave his side. He was bleeding so much. Bleeding everywhere! He opened his mouth again and tried gasping in air, and I don’t remember what I did! I don’t remember what I said! I just screamed for help and cried helplessly.
I was useless. So fucking USELESS! I could do nothing!
“Allie!” a voice shouted from behind me.
Marko dropped down beside me, his eyes widened in horror as he dialled a number for help. I cried, begging him to do something. To help Heath somehow!
He was dying. He was dying.
And I just wanted him back! I wanted him in my arms! I wanted him to lie to me some more if it meant being with him! I needed him to hold on. I’d take any form of Heath so long as he survived!
“Please, don’t go,” I begged him, my tears hitting his face. “Please, I love you too much. Please! I need you! I need you, Heath! Please!”
But the blood just kept on pooling. He held my gaze, and in a few short moments, his eyes dimmed more and more.
Soon, he wasn’t staring at me anymore.
He was slipping away.
PART TWO
You must take personal responsibility. You cannot change the circumstances, the seasons, or the wind, but you can change yourself. That is something you have charge of. – Jim Rohn
Twelve
Ryker
Freedom.
I’d longed for it the second I stepped into prison. But stepping out now and seeing the black Mercedes parked on the side of the road right in front of the gates, I realized – whether you were in prison or out – freedom wasn’t a tangible thing. Not for me anyway. I couldn’t taste it. I couldn’t hold it. I couldn’t even experience it when this was the life I was going back to.
I didn’t go to the car just yet. Instead, I ran my hand through my three inch beard and stared up at the sky as a plane tore through it. The sound of its engines rumbled through the clouds, and all I could imagine was jumping on a jet and leaving all this behind.
Where would I go? Somewhere tropical, maybe? Panama? I always wanted to go there. No real reason, either. It just sounded nice.
I was half-tempted to turn around and ask to serve my full sentence. At least within those four walls, I was respected. Nobody fucked with me, even long after Reaper had gone. I was left alone, and even though I started fights from time to time just to keep the ‘mad hatter’ alive, I was never put in solitary. Reaper had bought that much good grace when it came to me, and as a result I was granted early release due to “good behaviour.” It also helped my case that the prison was overcrowded. Kicking me out had its perks.
I let out a defeated sigh and slowly made my way to the car. I opened the door and slid into the black leather seat. The driver, a man I didn’t recognize, began driving without a word said to me. I stared out the window and took everything in – all the places I hadn’t seen in years. I saw people walking the streets, disappearing into shops and restaurants. All of them living their lives unperturbed. I pressed my fingers against the glass as he drove further away from Hedley.
I felt dead inside for so long. I’d hoped being out and seeing places and people would have brought back some feelings. But so far, I felt nothing. It was pointless expecting an outcome, so I just exhaled long and slow and closed my eyes.
I was changed. The arrogant, self-entitled bastard I was back then had vanished into a cloud of smoke. Three years had transformed me into a completely different man.
I spent last night in my cell imagining what I’d do with my life from here on out. Imagining a whole shit load of goals I could set. But then, as the sun broke through the dark sky, the night took with it all of my hopes. I would never achieve any of that. I was nothing. A nobody. A man that was going to depend on his anger and need for revenge to make it through who knows how long in this pathetic town. Then, I was going to spend the rest of my life alone and miserable, waiting for death’s call on me.
I’d wasted a night dreaming, and now, stepping
back into the real world, I felt like a fucking idiot.
Dreams never came true.
*
The cabin we congregated in looked the exact same as when I left it. There was only one car parked out front, and it was a crappy old Ford from the early 1980’s. I stepped out of the car and walked directly to the door and knocked. I heard the sounds of footsteps and sighed for the hundredth time today.
Back to it, Ryker. Like prison had never even happened.
“There you are, boy,” said Boss once he opened the door. He grinned at me and pulled me in, giving me a hearty hug and a hard pat on the back.
He was still bald, although it looked freshly shaven and it made his beard that much more pronounced. He looked a little older around the eyes, but he was otherwise the exact fucking douchebag that sold me out.
“Don’t ‘hey’ me,” I retorted. “You think three years means I’ve forgotten everything you did? Fuck off, man.”
Boss’s eyes widened, but instead of getting angry, he roared with laughter. “Man, prison sure hardened you up, didn’t it? Look at you. Not a kid no more, huh? All bearded up and brawny. Look at those shoulders.” He grabbed a hold of one and squeezed. “Fuckin’ Jesus, that’s all muscle, ain’t it?”
I didn’t reply. I was bigger, sure, but he didn’t know what was on the inside. I wasn’t a pussy anymore. Whatever soft side I had dissipated over the years, and I was definitely not a fucking coward. Standing in front of the man that used to intimidate me and make me fear my life, I suddenly saw him from a different angle.
He was just a man. Just flesh and bone that had enough money to buy people off to do his bidding. He brought drugs in and sold them to gangs in and around the town, and he did it behind closed doors so nobody would know his identity.
The only reason Boss could do what he did was because he had the connections and wasn’t afraid to put a person in the ground. But then again, he was getting old and frail, and the only way that got done anymore was having his men do it for him. That meant having more money to buy more people off to do big favours.
“You didn’t come to me once in there,” I said, watching him walk to the table in the centre of the room where his whiskey bottle sat.
He picked it up and poured himself a glass. “Mm, you’re right. I didn’t. You wanna know why? Because no dumb bastard is gonna walk in there and visit one of my best men in prison. You think that shit just passes through like water? The fuckin’ guards see everything, and I couldn’t afford that kind of attention. Always gotta think ahead, Ryker. I told you that time and time again.”
“Did you do it on purpose?” I then asked, feeling a bit of adrenaline shoot through my body. I’d longed to ask him this from the time I got arrested.
He looked resignedly up at me. “Do what on purpose?”
“Have me arrested. I never sold drugs. Distribution wasn’t my area. You had me tag along with Ricardo right from the start. I hurt people and gathered aside money with Ricardo. So the one time you tell me to make a drop, I’m suddenly arrested. I’d been tipped off –”
“Don’t be a fool,” he cut in rudely, glaring now at me with those beady blue eyes. “You were my favourite – hell, you’re still my favourite – and the last thing I wanted was to see you put away. I had big plans for you, Ry. I wanted you to lead. Look at me. I’m fifty nine years old. I don’t have much left in me. I needed you. No fuckin’ way in hell would I have sold you out.”
“Then who was it? Ricardo?”
He shrugged like he didn’t give a fuck. “I don’t know who it was. Besides, I can’t ask that cunt anymore. He’s dead. Not like he didn’t deserve it, though. Fucker had enough enemies and was bringing us down.”
“And why did he stalk my family demanding for the money I was caught with?”
He looked at me oddly. “The fuck you on about? I didn’t send him to get money from your family. What fuckin’ family are you talking about anyway? Your brother? That boy had his own troubles by the sounds of things. He got his throat cut up. You hear about that?”
I didn’t respond. My face remained impassive while my thoughts swirled with images of Heath having something that atrocious done to him.
“Who authorized that?” I asked him. Had he gotten it done? But then it didn’t make any sense if he didn’t even know about the debt.
Boss chuckled, shaking his head. “Are you fucking serious right now? Did I not just say I had nothing to do with his hit? I had enough shit on my plate than to worry about some fifty thousand dollar debt. Whatever Ricardo said to him was full blown bullshit, and now I wish that poor bastard had come to me with his troubles. I’d have known Ricardo was doing the dirty, pocketing money without letting me know. That makes me rage.”
Now I was really confused. All this time… Fuck, all this time I was obsessing over demanding answers from the wrong guy?
“Besides,” he added, taking a giant gulp of his glass before he pounded it on the table, “I got someone stealin’ from me. They’ve been robbing me for two years now. First they stole from the cash house Ricardo was at, and then it took off from there. I’m talkin’ fifteen walls knocked down in the last two years. I’m being bled dry. The tension in Hedley is through the roof. I’ve got men I don’t even trust working the streets tellin’ me they’re trying to find the guy responsible. But fuckin’ hell, it’s hard to trust anybody now.
“And you wanna know the most fucked up thing of all? I heard the fucker. There were two of ‘em. I got a call from some junkie – Adams was his name or some shit – and I know he called to tell me their names. I just wish the dickhead had shouted it out or somethin’. He ended up with a bullet to the head, which tells me these fuckers are hard. They ain’t scared of getting their hands dirty. They ain’t amateur.”
I frowned, considering his words. “Did you recognize the voices?”
“I didn’t recognize shit. You know how many people I talk to in one day? I don’t have time to log away every fuckin’ voice in my head. But one of ‘em was shot. I had the men tear through the streets looking for a wounded guy.”
“Anything turn up?”
“No. Not one fuckin’ thing.” He exhaled, looking exhausted as he collapsed on the chair. “With you gone, I tried to rely on my fuckin’ kid to get things done. But he’s useless as tits and I couldn’t take him. I need you. I’m glad you’re back. You were hitting your stride. You were toughening up, but now I take another look at you after all these years, I see you’ve changed. You’re hardened, aren’t you? See, that’s what I wanted. I needed you to harden up.”
“You weren’t hardening me up,” I retorted. “You were scaring the fuck out of me. You paired me up with a lunatic that thrived on killing people. I saw shit nobody deserves to see.”
“But you’re desensitized by it now.”
“How do you get desensitized by a dying baby that’d been shoved beneath a bed?”
He groaned in irritation. “Jesus, still about that damn baby? She pulled through, didn’t she? Got adopted out. Made the newspapers, callin’ you a hero and all that shit. They put your photo up, and if it wasn’t for that hood over most of your face, they’d have recognized you. And then where would I be? Probably in the same jail as you were. And you know what, I offered you a different position. I said you could learn the money and come to the deals with me instead of tagging along with Ricardo –”
“Because I was terrified there’d be other fuckin’ kids in those houses,” I cut in sharply. I was breathing hard now as all those memories flooded through me. “Every time we stepped into a house, I waited for the same fucking thing. Do you know how fucked up that made me? Always waiting to see if there was a dead kid around the corner!”
“It ain’t my fault,” he hollered back. “I’m not forcin’ parents to stick needles up their arms! I’m not tellin’ em to starve their kids while they get high! That shit ain’t on me. I’m runnin’ a business, Ryker. That’s all it is. It ain’t personal until they steal from me.�
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“It’s still not right.”
“It’s still not right?” he repeated in disbelief. “When someone runs a fucker over, do we put away the salesman that sold him the car? Every time a man jumps off a bridge, do we blame the engineers for designing the fucker? Grow a brain, Ry. People choose to do bad things. I don’t make ‘em.”
I shook my head. This guy had fed me bullshit for so long, and I gritted my teeth the entire time and let him have that control over me. I couldn’t say I regretted going to prison. If I hadn’t, I’d have slaved my ass off just to please this flesh and bone of a man.
I wouldn’t let him get away with saying this kind of crap anymore. If he expected me to lead eventually, then he better start recognizing what the backseat looked like.
“Now enough of that shit. I’m not going to make you barge into houses and do petty shit like that. I need you to study the men on our crew. You’re going to find this fucker that’s been tearing apart my cash houses, and then you’re going to make him eat a bullet.”
Barely two hours out of prison and he was ordering me around.
I breathed deeply and tried to control my anger. Reaper used to guide me through this shit. He told me the second I started reacting violently every single time I felt a shred of anger, I’d lose myself entirely. I had to separate myself from these emotions.
“I can’t afford any more violence in this town,” he went on more to himself than me. “You have no idea the amount of small time gangs we’ve eradicated and it’s still goin’ on. Whoever it is might be right under our noses.”
“And why can’t you just do this shit for me? Why send me straight out there now?”
“Nobody knows who I am. I’m the man behind the scenes. I get the wheels turning. I have my connections fuelling us, and it’s you fuckers that do the rest. I go out into that town and I live inside my fuckin’ house and then I come here with you boys and reap the rewards before I take off to Mexico and rewind for some weeks a year. That’s why I need you. You’re going to do this for me. No point arguing.”
