Something More

by Leigh Beckford

  A little flushed and a bit out of sorts he continues, “Speaking of everyone, I don’t know if Valde visits you, I don’t speak or see much of him these days, and he has not mentioned coming by, but he misses you. He doesn’t say it, but when I look at him, I think I see from his gaze that he believes that he shares some responsibility for you not being here. I think that’s silly of him, for we both know that if I hadn’t injected myself into yours and his relationship then this travesty would not have occurred. No blame, place no blame,” he makes a fist as he fights to remind himself of this. Struggling, his kneeling then evolves into flat out sitting in the grass, “Your mom calls me each week, encouraging me to be strong. She has invited me over for dinner, I don’t believe I am up to it yet, she thinks otherwise, still she says whenever I think the time is right for me she will be there. Brittany too has taken your passing hard. You were both once very close so I guess it’s understandable.” Tearing up, he makes use of his handkerchief, “Joanna I just want to sit here. I am so tired.”

  Minutes past with him just sitting there looking like a person without a home and feeling like a man who has lost perspective. Still his deep fall into bereavement hasn’t robbed him of his ability to laugh at himself as he looks at the mud on his shoes and thinks what any of his dear friends would think should they see him sitting in the middle of a cemetery looking like this. “Perhaps they would think I have lost my mind. Try to stage an intervention or something. I couldn’t blame them. Oh my, I know that when we the mighty fall, we fall hard! But they, my loving companions, worry too much.”

  So absorbed with grappling the grass and being caught up in his own thoughts is he that he fails to notice that he is no longer alone. A shadow of a man now looms over him, quite eerily in fact, that he jumps when he finally realizes his guest. Alex raises his hand to his forehead in an attempt to block sun from his eyes. With squinting eyes he strains to make out the face of the figure standing just above him. His iris adjusts to reveal a wrinkly unshaved man quite possibly in his seventies. “Son, are you OK?” asks the mysterious figure.

  “Huh, I..,” Alex struggles with his answer, “I am fine thank you for asking. I am just here resting my legs. I am a bit weary.”

  “The burden of a loss can wear heavily on more than just the heart. I see it all the time.”

  Alex remains quiet as the man continues, “She who lies here, was she your wife? That’s if you don’t mind my asking?”

  “No, no she wasn’t. The cord was cut short, that plan plus so many more were not realized.”

  “I am sorry for your loss my boy. This world can be mighty cruel, I know. I have often said that the fight for happiness can be brutal, then there is no guarantee that when you win you really do win for happiness is as they say a fleeting thing. In my youth I have loved a dozen times, but none as much as the one that mattered, the one that was taken away. So you live with the loss but never quite learn how to live without she who you have lost. Forgive me I ramble on, offering unsolicited advice. In my old age I would like to think of myself a bit of a sage, if wisdom can be gotten from gibberish then you are welcome to it.”

  Not sure how to respond a bewildered Alex blurts out, “Who are you?”

  “I am one of the groundskeepers,” he shoots back with a cheery response, “My name is Michal.”

  “Michal, do you often approach total strangers the way you are doing now?”

  “No only kindred spirits in need.”

  Alex smiles, surprised by it himself and asks, “Kindred spirits. You think us to be alike.”

  “Yes, and you might be thinking how do I know this. I spend most of my days and some nights here. No my son I am not weird, although I must admit I enjoy the voices of the wind and I hear music in the rain, but tell me who doesn’t if they listen carefully enough? Yes, as I was saying, it is not hard to spot a spirit broken by love, in your case, the lost of a loved one. For years I have tended these, I believe, hallowed grounds, the final resting places of those who were once like us, privileged to have been given the gift of life. For years I have watched how those left behind are forced to handle the loss. You my friend is a broken man, I noticed this from all the way over at that tree some one hundred yards away. There is nothing that you can tell me to make me think different.”

  “I have lost the woman I love, and my daughter too, if that makes me a broken man, then so be it. I am not ashamed.”

  “No need to be defensive with me son, there is no shame in being weak. Nothing is more tragic than the person who comes here and decides that he or she is going to bury their emotions so deep within that when they are here they can’t feel. For those misguided spirits my heart bleeds for they are bound to fare a fate emotionally much worse than you and I.”

  “How so?” asks Alex. At some point while listening to Michal in Alex’ head the meddling old man traversed from weird to intriguing.

  “One should never deny oneself the opportunity to feel. I say feel, feel, and feel as much as you can. When you feel rage then feel and take pleasure in that feeling, the same goes for love, misery, passion, joy and even loss. You look at me disagreeing as if what I say borders on the macabre, but I say no, listen whatever the emotion or the sensation, I say feel it. This is what makes life full, we more than just live by moving and going through the motions, everything in life is meant to be felt. Let life be one sensory overload of orgasmic proportions. After all is this not why we have five senses, and whenever one is missing the others go into overdrive to compensate. Losing a love one can be like losing a limb, a piece of you is gone forever. I applaud you for not pretending as if you are healed of the loss. Ask any amputee if they are ever truly healed of their loss, I am willing to strike up a wager that an honest answer from any would be no.”

  “So you are saying it’s OK for me to go on feeling as if my heart has been ripped from my chest and has been replaced with smoldering coal in its stead.”

  “I am saying it’s all a part of the process, even smoldering coal grows cold without air to keep the fire going. The pain doesn’t have to be this strong forever. Take for example the shirt on your back. This morning when you first put it on, you felt it. Tell me until I reminded you of it just now, how strong was it registering with your senses?”

  “I can’t say.”

  “Come on be honest, there is no right or wrong answer to that question, just answer.”

  “OK, until you mentioned it I don’t remember feeling it. I mean it’s there but it wasn’t like there, do you know what I mean.”

  “Yes I do, in fact it’s the very point I am making. You won’t ever get over the lost, and believe me when I tell you there is absolutely no need for you to. So don’t feel pressured or believe that anything is wrong with you when the grief seems too much. In time the pain will be less. Just take it one day at a time my friend and go through the process.”

  “Do you have an explanation for why they were taken?”

  “I am sorry son, I am but a lowly groundskeeper, such knowledge belongs to an entity with far more wisdom than I. I dare say one with infinite wisdom, unfortunately for us, mine is more finite in nature.”

  Alex’s disappointment reverberates in his responding, “OK. I see.”

  “No. No gloom, from you on that subject,” Michal smiles and continues, “Instead as I walk you to your car let me give you one universal truth, love conquers all.”

  “That‘s it love conquers all?” Alex looks at him disappointed, “With all the sagely advice you just gave, you end with love conquers all?”

  “Yes, and even if you don’t believe me, give it time you will see what I mean.”

  Chapter 37

  Valde sits patiently waiting. There is no guarantee at all that all or any of his guests are going to show, this is his fourth or so attempt and if the outcome of the previous tries are to be taken into account then there is a strong likelihood that he will again be stood up. Still he waits because what kind of best friend would he be if he didn’
t try? As he places his glass of wine down, he with surprised eyes notices a smiling Alex make his way into the restaurant. While Alex stops to inquire about his party at the maitre d, Valde takes the time to note the difference in appearance of his best friend. The tie, the shoes, the cufflinks, even his watch, the happy one as he Alex loves to refer to it, his gait, everything was a departure from the saddened state that his best friend had become. Unable to contain his exuberance and curiosity, Valde doesn’t wait for Alex to sit before his mild outburst of, “Who is she?”

  “Who is she? What are you talking about, who are you referring to?”

  “I don’t know to whom I am referring to and that‘s why I am asking?”

  “There is no one. I am afraid it’s too soon for that and besides, I haven’t been looking at anyone.”

  “Come on you sly fox, why are you keeping secrets? Weeks go by I don’t see you, barely hear from you except for the occasional text message, then you stroll in here like a man who got blown in the back of the cab on his way here and you dare tell me there is no one. I thought we were turning over a new leaf here, no secrets between us.”

  “Valde there is no one. I promise. I would have had to have been out to have met someone new and I have been a recluse which I know you know.”

  “OK. Let’s say that I believe you, still you have to tell me what your secret is for being so, you know, the way you are now.” Puzzled, Valde stops to gather his thoughts, and then continues, “You seem happy.”

  “I do? Thank you I have been going through the process?”

  “The process, what you actually took Brittany’s advice to get therapy?”

  “No, not quite, I did however speak to someone a few weeks ago. He told me I have to go through the process. Instead of trying to fight the pain, I should embrace it, grow with it and just live. So I decided to start living again. I am taking baby steps but I think I am going to make it. I still feel like I have been ripped to pieces, and there are parts of me that I will never have again but as long as I am still breathing I am going to do my best to be alive. Do you get what I am saying?”

  “Of course I do, and I am glad that you have come to this resolution. I dare say it makes me happy.”

  “What about you Valde, how are you feeling? It’s fair to say that I have been grossly self-absorbed over these past months. I know that Joanna’s death was a great blow to you too, how are you coping, how have you been.”

  “I have been celibate.”

  “What!” Astonished Alex spills his glass of water. “Wow!”

  “I have, like you, come to a resolution and mine is that during this time no good can come from my penis so yes I am reclaiming my virginity and fully owning my sex. No more just giving it away, the next girl is going to really have to earn it.”

  “Stop it. First you make me spill my water now you are causing me to choke. Oh look here comes Brittany let’s see if she can vouch for your so called celibacy.”

  After both men greeted her, they all sat. “Brittany, Valde tells me he is celibate, is this true?”

  “Alex he tells me the same, I guess I believe him, he has never been one to brag or lie to us about his sex life so I suppose I have no reason to disbelieve him.”

  “Brittany apart from taking lightly my resolve to abstain, your dear brother here has discovered ‘the process’ from some strange guru who he seems to have met a few weeks ago.”

  “Oh has he, and what is this process?’ she asks. “Wait Alex don’t tell me just yet. I just want to look at you.” Tears well up in the corner of her eyes as she looks at her brother as if this was the first time she was seeing him in years, “My dear you look great. I can’t believe how well you seem.” She turns with a stern expression towards Valde, “Don’t you make fun of his process, whatever it is it seems to be working. I don’t remember the last time I saw Alex’ eyes smile.”

  “Well the same could be said of you; I don’t remember the last time I saw you beaming this much” responds Valde, “So who is the fellow?”

  “Who is the fellow? What the hell are you talking about dumbass? You know that there has been no one since, well since the night I came to your apartment a total mess. So knock it off, I don’t need a man to make me beam. I am doing well by myself.”

  “You tell him little sis, the first thing he asks me upon seeing me is who is the girl.”

  “So Brittany if there is no dude a buzzing, eh em, is a vibrating mechanism the source of your well-lit afterglow.”

  “No Valde it isn’t, not that any of that would be any of your business. What is wrong with you? I am beginning to think that you need to get laid. This abstinence thing is beginning to take its toll on you.” All three break out laughing.

  “Look, I am not knocking your process or your renewed independence, please lay off my abstinence.”

  “OK you are right, we will play fair,” says Brittany, “OK my darlings I think it‘s time for a drink. Where is our waiter?”

  Chapter 38

  Valde fumbles with the code to his apartment. A few too many drinks at dinner and he is a total lush. Upon finally inputting the correct seventh digit a light flashes green and his door opens. He walks in and turns to Brittany, “Are you coming in or are you just going to stand there?”

  She stands there, “Do you think Alex got home safe?”

  “Yes I believe he did.”

  “Do you think he will mind my staying at your place tonight?”

  “I don’t see why he would. It was his suggestion that you and I share a cab. Besides there is absolutely no reason why he should be concerned, after all, I am celibate and you have stayed over countless times.” Valde searches her eyes and asks, “Why would tonight be any different?”

  “Do you want me?” she asks coyly studying his reaction readily blaming her question on a Freudian slip, “I meant do you want me to stay over?”

  “I don’t remember ever having to convince you to stay over. I mean what‘s the worst that could happen. Let‘s see, I might suddenly become cured of my celibacy and ravish your body. Something tells me that your body wouldn’t mind this outcome. Or on the other hand, being that we are both tired and have had one too many, we might just fall out asleep wrapped snuggly in each other’s arms in front of the television.”

  She looks up from noticing the pearl finish on his shirt’s buttons to focus on his lips then responds, “I guess you have a point.”

  “There is only one way for us to find out how this night might end my love,” he says with one hand out to her.

  He moves closer to her, smiles his usual smile, takes her by the hand and leads her in.

  The door closes behind them.