A Mother's Trust

by Dilly Court

  ‘I let him think that I loved him, and I did after a fashion, but it wasn’t enough. I cheated him. I let him down.’

  ‘I know you better than that, Phoebe. You would have stood by him no matter what. He lost his life because of a moment of madness. If he’d stayed with you that night instead of rushing out into the storm he would be alive now.’

  ‘If I hadn’t lost my temper,’ Phoebe murmured. ‘If I’d told him about the baby, perhaps he would have behaved differently.’

  ‘Oh, Phoebe. I cried all night when I heard that you’d lost your baby. I can only imagine how you must have felt.’

  ‘It was my punishment.’ Tears slid down Phoebe’s cheeks. ‘I didn’t want it at first. I didn’t want anything that tied me to Gino for life, but when they told me that both my husband and my baby were dead, I wanted to die too. I blame myself, Rose.’

  ‘That’s nonsense, love. Gino was a grown man. He must have known it was a stupid thing to do, setting off in such dreadful conditions. You can’t spend the rest of your life punishing yourself.’

  ‘Do you really love Ned?’ Exhausted from travelling and the emotions that had been stirred within her, Phoebe forced herself to relax. She knew that Rose was talking sense, and that she must not allow her personal tragedy to cast a shadow over her friend’s happiness.

  ‘I do,’ Rose said simply. ‘And there’s another thing, Phoebe. Ned is living in the farmhouse and he isn’t ever going back to London. He says he’s quite keen to work the land, which is wonderful.’

  ‘I suppose they convinced the excise men that they had nothing to do with the smugglers or Rogue wouldn’t have been free to follow me to Italy.’

  ‘Exactly so. Merrydew and his wife and the others were arrested and sent for trial. The last I heard they were in Dover jail and will be for quite some time. Rogue’s contacts in the City of London police cleared them of all suspicion.’

  ‘I don’t see how the police could turn a blind eye to their criminal activities.’

  ‘They were collaborating with the police for years, so Ned told me. You know the old saying about taking a thief to catch a thief; well that’s what they’ve been doing.’

  ‘But they had a reputation for being one of the worst mobs in the East End.’

  ‘Which is why the leaders of the high mobs never suspected anything until it was too late. They were either caught or fled south of the river.’

  ‘If only he’d told me,’ Phoebe said softly. ‘I always thought that he was responsible for my pa’s death. I wish he’d trusted me enough to tell me the truth.’

  ‘Maybe you ought to see him and ask him to explain.’

  ‘I doubt if he’ll ever speak to me again, or that he’d have the slightest interest in me now. I’m not the same person I was before I married Gino.’

  ‘Of course you are. You’re just tired and unhappy, but it will pass. Everything does in time.’ Rose yawned and the bedstead creaked as she turned on her side. ‘Go to sleep, love. Everything will seem better in the morning.’

  Phoebe stared into the darkness. It seemed to stretch into infinity, and nothing would ever be the same again.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  IT TOOK PHOEBE a week to get over her travel fatigue, and in that time Rose had taken Teddy under her wing, her fondness for the little boy growing deeper as she saw traits in him that reminded her of his father. His eyes, she said, were the same shape and colour as Ned’s. He was a miniature version of his parent, and that made her love him even more.

  At first Phoebe was simply grateful to be relieved of the responsibility for an energetic toddler, but as the days went by and she regained her full strength, she began to resent Teddy’s growing dependence on Rose. Sitting by the fire in the front parlour one evening she confided her worries to Judy.

  ‘You’ll have to face the fact that when Rose marries Ned she’ll be Teddy’s stepmother,’ Judy said, looking up from darning a man’s sock. ‘If Ned still wants to raise his son there won’t be anything you can do about it.’

  ‘But Teddy is my responsibility,’ Phoebe said in horror. ‘He’s my baby brother and Ma would want him to stay with me.’

  ‘You don’t know that for certain.’ Judy eyed her speculatively. ‘Ned is his father, and as far as I can see he’s determined to put his old life behind him. Rose loves Teddy and she’d care for him as if he were her own.’

  Phoebe bit her lip. She had expected Judy to be on her side. ‘But I was planning for us to live here with you. I’ll get a job somewhere, or I’ll go back to doing what I know best and set up as a medium or a fortune teller. I can work in the theatre or a tent on the beach.’

  ‘I speak as I find, Phoebe. You must do what’s best for the boy, and perhaps that means giving him up.’

  Phoebe was shocked by Judy’s words. ‘But I love him too. I don’t see why you and I can’t bring Teddy up together.’

  ‘It’s not as simple as that.’ Judy moved the work candle a little closer. ‘I must get Marcus to have a gas mantle put in this room. I’m straining my eyes in this poor light.’

  Momentarily diverted, Phoebe stared at her in surprise. ‘What has Marcus to do with it?’

  Judy held up the sock. ‘This isn’t mine, ducks. I may be a spinster but I haven’t taken to wearing men’s hose, and as a matter of fact I won’t qualify for that title much longer.’

  ‘You and Marcus are getting married?’

  ‘Don’t look so surprised. I may have turned forty but I’m not in my dotage and you knew that Marcus proposed to me before you left for Italy.’

  ‘I’m sorry, Judy. I’ve been so wrapped up in my own problems that I hadn’t given it a thought.’

  ‘I know that, which is why I didn’t mention the fact that we’re getting married in the register office tomorrow. I would have told you sooner, but you’ve been in such a poorly state since you came home that Marcus and I thought it best to wait until you were yourself again.’

  ‘I’m really happy for you,’ Phoebe said, staring into the fire. She knew she ought to show more enthusiasm, but Judy’s news had come as a shock, and it changed everything.

  ‘But what?’ Judy prodded her with her bony finger. ‘Spit it out, girl. Something’s bothering you.’

  ‘You won’t want me here when you’re married, and anyway you might sell this house. You’ll want to go and live with your husband.’

  ‘Stuff and nonsense. Marcus owns a poky little cottage at the other end of town, and I’m not giving up my independence for any man. He’ll move in here permanently tomorrow and I’ll continue to earn my own living just as before.’

  ‘And he doesn’t mind?’

  ‘He dotes on me,’ Judy said with a smug smile. ‘He’ll do anything I say, and I wouldn’t have it any different.’ She put the darning down. ‘I could do with an early night. We’re having a little party at Madame’s pub after the ceremony tomorrow.’

  Phoebe raised her hand to her forehead. ‘I’ve missed so much. I feel I’ve come back to a completely different place. Everything has changed.’

  ‘Nothing stays the same forever, ducks.’ Judy rose to her feet. ‘Put the guard round the fire before you go up. We don’t want the house to burn down round us, and make sure that whoever comes in last locks the front door. We don’t want to invite burglars in either.’ She left the room, closing the door behind her, and the candle flames flickered in the sudden breeze.

  Phoebe curled up in the wingback chair by the fire. She felt small and suddenly very much alone. She had forgotten that Marcus had proposed to Judy, who had always seemed to be a confirmed spinster. Nor could she have foreseen that Rose would fall in love with Ned Paxman. A more unlikely pair would be hard to envisage. Madame Galina and Herbert were talking about opening a bar together, although theirs was a purely professional arrangement. Gussie and Fred were also keeping company in a lukewarm romance that had a hint of desperation about it rather than blind passion, but still they had each other, and that was better than fa
cing life unwanted and alone.

  Phoebe had to come to terms with the fact that Teddy would eventually live with his father and Rose. She herself would slip into the part of the childless widowed relation whom everyone pitied and invited to their homes at Christmas, or when someone was sick and in need of a nurse or an unpaid nursery maid. The lot of single women without a profession or a private income was likely to be one of servitude and loneliness.

  A loud knock on the front door brought her back to the present and she leapt to her feet. As she hurried from the room she hoped it might be Rose, returning early from the theatre. The thought of a chat over a cup of hot cocoa was a pleasing one and she was smiling as she opened the door, but the smile froze on her face as she looked up into a pair of sea-green eyes that were so like Teddy’s.

  ‘Ned.’ Phoebe glanced behind him in the vain hope that Rogue had accompanied him, but he was alone. She felt strangely cheated as she stood aside to let him in. ‘I didn’t expect to see you.’

  He stepped over the threshold, pausing in the hallway to take off his top hat and damp greatcoat. ‘It’s good to see you again, Phoebe. I thought that Rose might have told you I’d been invited to Judy’s wedding.’

  Phoebe shook her head, at a loss for words. He was so like his brother in looks, if not in nature and temperament, that his unexpected arrival threw her into a state of renewed agitation.

  He gave her a searching look, holding out his hand. ‘I hope we can put the past behind us and be friends.’

  She stared at his hand, the broad palm and spatulate fingers worthy of a farmer, and his once pale skin tanned by exposure to the elements. ‘For Rose’s sake,’ she murmured, laying her hand in his.

  ‘Thank you, Phoebe. I know that can’t have been easy.’

  She met his anxious gaze with an attempt at a smile. ‘I love Rose, and if you hurt her …’

  ‘I love her too. She’s a wonderful girl and I don’t deserve her.’

  There was no doubting his sincerity, but Phoebe could still hear her mother telling her how much she loved Ned Paxman, and their love-child was sleeping in the room at the top of the house. Phoebe had not forgotten that Ned had attempted to gain control of his son by forcing her to marry him. His careless actions had started a chain of events that had led to her own personal tragedy, and now he was asking for her forgiveness and her blessing on his forthcoming nuptials to a dear friend. She wanted to hate him, but she felt suddenly drained of all emotion. ‘Come into the front parlour,’ she said, hoping that she sounded calmer than she was feeling. ‘Rose will be home soon.’ She led the way, although it was obvious that he knew the layout of the house as well as she did.

  He stood with his back to the fire. ‘It’s all quite proper.’ His lips twitched. ‘I’ve booked into a boarding house nearby.’

  Phoebe faced him squarely. ‘Are you laughing at me, Ned?’

  He was suddenly serious. ‘No. On my honour, although you probably think I have none. I want you to forgive me, and to believe that I will do everything in my power to make Rose happy.’

  ‘I think I do,’ she said, sitting down on the chair she had recently vacated. The shock of seeing him again was wearing off a little, but his presence was a painful reminder of what she had lost. ‘How is Rogue?’ She stared down at her hands clasped tightly in her lap. ‘Is he well?’

  ‘He is in the best of health.’

  She looked up. ‘Does he ever speak of me?’

  He answered with an almost imperceptible shake of his head. ‘He doesn’t confide in me. He never has. We might be brothers but we are as unalike as two men could be who are so closely related.’

  ‘Does he know that I’m back in England?’

  ‘I can’t say. I’m no letter writer, although I might have mentioned it when he visited last week. Rose writes every day, bless her.’

  ‘You saw him last week?’ Phoebe’s heart missed a beat. So Rogue knew that she was home and he had not made any effort to see her. It was hardly surprising but it still hurt.

  ‘He comes down to the farm every few weeks to go over the books with me,’ Ned carried on, seemingly oblivious to her distress. ‘I’m no bookkeeper either. In fact, as you’ve probably already decided, I’m a fairly useless sort of fellow, but I’ve discovered one talent.’

  ‘And what’s that?’ Phoebe sensed that he was eager to talk about himself and it was easier to listen than to talk as she struggled with the knowledge that Rogue wanted nothing more to do with her.

  ‘I’m a good practical farmer. I like working outdoors and I have an affinity with animals.’ He chuckled. ‘You might think I learned that by mixing with the lowest of the low in London, and you’d probably be right. But at the very least I can make a good living for myself and my family, and an honest one too. I never thought I’d hear myself say those words.’ He stopped short at the sound of someone rapping on the door knocker. ‘I’ll go, Phoebe. It might be Rose. I can’t wait to see her again.’

  He left the room with the haste of a man desperate to hold the woman he loved in his arms. Phoebe bent her head as she struggled to control her raw emotions. Outside in the hallway she could hear Rose’s excited cries followed by Herbert’s deeper tones, and a buzz of conversation as Madame, Gussie and Fred arrived close on their heels. She fumbled in her skirt pocket for a hanky and blew her nose. No one must know that her heart was breaking all over again.

  It was a quiet ceremony at the register office with just Phoebe, Rose, Ned, Herbert and Gussie to act as witnesses and support the bride and groom. Madame Galina was on duty in the pub and had been given the task of organising a simple wedding breakfast, and Fred had remained at the house to keep an eye on Judy’s cleaning woman who was supposed to be looking after Teddy. Gussie had warned Phoebe that, when she thought no one was looking, Mrs Wagg had a tendency to take nips from Judy’s bottle of medicinal brandy. Phoebe had been loath to leave her in charge, preferring to look after Teddy herself, but Fred had volunteered to stay behind in order to keep an eye on Mrs Wagg.

  When she arrived at the pub Phoebe was dismayed to find him ensconced in a seat by the bar drinking a glass of porter. She hurried over to him. ‘You haven’t left Teddy with Mrs Wagg, have you?’

  He gave her a tipsy grin. ‘She’s promised to stay sober, love. Hasn’t touched a drop all afternoon, I saw to that.’

  Phoebe remained unconvinced. She nibbled at the food set out on a table in a private room at the rear of the building, and drank a glass of mulled wine to toast the bride and groom, but despite Gussie’s assurance that Mrs Wagg was perfectly capable of giving Teddy his tea and putting him to bed, Phoebe continued to worry. It had been difficult enough when Ned turned up soon after breakfast, ostensibly to see Rose, but it was obvious that he had also come to see his son. Teddy had been shy at first but Ned had exhibited a surprising amount of patience when dealing with a small child. He had let Teddy come to him, and Phoebe had grudgingly had to admit that he was good with the boy. There did seem to be a natural bond between father and son, and although it hurt at first, Phoebe knew in her heart that this was where Teddy’s future lay. Rose adored him, and Ned seemed determined to prove that he could be a good husband and father.

  Phoebe sat looking at the feast that Madame Galina had laid out for them. There was an array of cold meats, a raised pork pie and a selection of jellies, shimmering and quivering with every slight movement of the slightly rickety table. Madame had obviously gone to a great deal of trouble, not to mention expense, although she had been quick to explain that it was Marcus who had paid for the whole thing. Everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves, except Phoebe. She was even more conscious of being the only one there who was not in some kind of partnership. Madame and Herbert were engrossed in a discussion about their proposed business venture. They hoped to become the proprietors of an ancient coaching inn on the outskirts of the town. It was reputed to have been a haunt of smugglers, but was now respectable, if slightly run down. ‘A good business opportunity�
�, Herbert was fond of saying. ‘We’ll make it the best hostelry in the area.’ Gussie planned to leave her job at the milliner’s shop and was going to help Madame in the kitchen, and Fred was talking about abandoning his window cleaning round to become a potman and ostler. He had decided that his summer occupation of sword swallowing was a profession for younger men, and he was ready to give up the theatre and settle down.

  Phoebe had listened to all their hopes and dreams and her heart swelled with pride for her adopted family, but she was still the odd one out. She was painfully aware that she was going to lose Teddy, and although Judy and Marcus had told her that she was welcome to live with them, she did not want to impose on their hospitality. There was, she decided, only one course open to her. She would return to London in the spring. She would endeavour to pick up the threads of her old life. There was always the table tipping, which was still the vogue amongst the middle and upper classes. The séances had provided a steady source of income, and telling the fortunes of young ladies eager to know when, where and whom they were to marry was always popular. She would go back to Saffron Hill, her grandparents and the ice cream trade. It would be a safer place now that the gangs had been broken up or moved on. She would make a life for herself. She would never marry.

  Rose came to sit beside her. ‘Are you all right, love? You look sad.’

  Faced with Rose’s glowing happiness, Phoebe felt her throat constrict. She made a huge effort to smile. ‘I’m delighted to see Judy and Marcus so well suited to each other.’

  ‘But you’re not happy, darling.’

  ‘I’m just a bit tired. It’s been a long day, and seeing Ned …’

  Rose clasped her hand. ‘I know it must seem selfish of me to invite him here, but I want you to get used to seeing us together. Ned is desperate to have Teddy come and live with us when we’re married. I promise you I’ll look after him and love him as if he was my own little boy. You can come and stay with us as often as you like.’ Her eyes brightened. ‘You could live with us, Phoebe. You know how large the house is, and we could be a proper family.’