Life, Love, and a Polar Bear Tattoo

by Heather Wardell

  I couldn't say it. He did care. I could see it in his eyes. He shook his head. "I wish I didn't, Candy, I swear. If I wanted Fiona instead, it'd be so much easier. I tried to convince myself. But it's not her. It's you."

  He leaned over, to look even more deeply into my eyes. "Do you have any feelings for me at all?"

  I couldn't speak, just staring at him. Oh, I had feelings for him, more than I'd realized, and he must have seen at least some of them because he put his hand on the back of my head and pulled me toward him, so gently I could hardly feel the pressure. I let him draw me in until we were barely inches apart, at which point he released me and curved his fingers over my cheek.

  His eyes still fixed on mine, he moved closer, so slowly I could have stopped him at any time. I didn't.

  The sweetness and emotion in his kiss brought tears to my eyes again. His mouth was gentle on mine, and stayed gentle even as the kiss intensified. I felt the absolute rightness of it flowing over me, through me.

  Maybe it wasn't too late.

  When the kiss ended, I dropped my head back against the chair. "No more. I can't. It's not right."

  He nodded. "You're right. I'm sorry. I won't touch you again."

  I was annoyed with myself for being a bit offended at how quickly he'd agreed. Didn't I want him not to touch me?

  *****

  When we reached my house, the driveway was full of my car and Ian's, so Kegan parked at the side of the road a few doors down. He shut off the car and turned toward me.

  "I'd ask if I could come in for a few minutes but it's probably a bad idea."

  Definitely a bad idea. I just nodded.

  "Candy, you are going to think about it, right? About us, I mean."

  I wanted to say that I wouldn't, that I was married and would stay that way forever. I had to, though. Whatever was happening between Kegan and me was strong, and I had to decide what I wanted. "I will."

  "Good." He paused for a second, his eyes serious, then went on. "I swear to you it'll be different this time. I know what I did wrong and it will never happen again. I'll make you happy, I promise."

  I knew he meant it, and I was horrified by how much I wanted to let him try.

  I unbuckled my seat belt and picked up my purse from the floor of the car.

  "Good night."

  "Good night, Candy."

  I didn't move. I couldn't. I wanted something. I didn't know what it was, but I wanted it and I couldn't leave without it.

  "If you don't want me to kiss you again, you need to leave," he said, his voice low and intense.

  My heart began to beat faster. I didn't move.

  "I promised I wouldn't touch you, but you need to go."

  He gave me several seconds to do what I'd said I wanted and get away from him, then wrapped his arm roughly around my shoulders and pulled me to him.

  From the moment our lips touched, his kiss set me on fire. The sweetness was still there, but the passion and need were at the forefront, and I gave as good as I got.

  When we finally broke apart, I was gasping for breath and more than ready to choose him. If we'd still been at his house, I might have let him make love to me right then, might not have been able to control myself. I couldn't bring him into Ian's home, though. It would be betrayal on betrayal and I just couldn't do it.

  "I want to see you tomorrow." His voice was full of desire, desire I'd raised in him, and it sent ripples of pleasure through me.

  "Give me time to think," I said, even though I wanted nothing more than to see him again. "I'll see you at work on Monday."

  He took a breath as if about to say more, then nodded. "I know it might look like I just want sex, but I don't." He gave me an unexpectedly evil grin. "Well, actually, I do. But not just sex."

  I laughed. "No?"

  "No," he said, turning serious again. "I want it all. Every last part of you."

  He touched my cheek gently, and I shuddered but didn't move away. "We're good together. Think about it."

  "Okay," I whispered, opening the car door and finally escaping into the night.

  I half-expected him to leave the car and try to come into the house with me, but he didn't. He drove slowly along with me until I reached my house, then waited at the end of the driveway for me to unlock the door. Once it was open, he raised a hand in a thumbs-up. I returned the gesture, he blew me a kiss, and he was gone.

  I went inside and looked around as if I'd never seen the place before. What would he have seen if I had let him in? His condo was so glossy and sleek; would he have liked my house, all greens and blues and polar bears?

  I fed the cat and climbed slowly up the stairs, pausing at the door to the computer room. I owed Ian an email, but there was nothing I could say. Would I ever be able to talk to Ian again?

  Tears rose again and began to spill down my cheeks. I passed through our bedroom and went into the bathroom, where I took off my clothes to take a shower. I looked at myself in the mirror for a long time. What kind of person was I?

  I finally stepped into the shower and let the hot water pour over my head, washing away the tears even as they fell. I cried until the water ran cold.

  Saturday, August 20th

  I'd thought I needed to talk, but now that Tasha was sitting across from me with an expectant look on her face, I couldn't find a single thing to say.

  In typical fashion, Tasha reached for her coffee and managed to knock mine over. In the flurry of finding napkins and having the coffee shop workers come over to clean up, I didn't have to say a significant word for several minutes. All too soon, though, we were re-settled, a fresh coffee in front of me, and she was again waiting for me to speak.

  "How're you doing?"

  She raised an eyebrow. "I'm fine. I'm not the one who called and said she needed to talk, though. Out with it!"

  I looked down at my fingernails as if they held the secret of the universe, then told them, "I saw Kegan last night." They didn't react.

  When Tasha didn't either, I looked up at her and saw confusion on her face instead of the horror I'd anticipated. "You're working with him, right? So didn't you expect to see him?"

  "Not out at Light."

  Tasha considered this for a moment. "Did you invite him?"

  "No, he just showed up." I frowned. "I don't know how he knew we were there."

  "We?"

  "A bunch of us from work."

  "Ah. Okay, so he was there and you were there. I'm missing the problem."

  "The problem was when he kissed me."

  Tasha froze with her coffee cup midway to her mouth. She set the cup down carefully before saying, "Maybe you should have started with that part. What happened?"

  "He asked me to dance. While we were out on the dance floor..." I didn't know how to say it. It had been so incredible, and any words I thought of to describe it just didn't seem right. I tried anyhow. "He kissed me, and--"

  "Just once?"

  "Yeah, I guess. It was a long one, though."

  "Okay, and then what?"

  "We went to his condo."

  "Where does he live?"

  "In one of the skyscraper condos by the lake."

  "Was it nice? I've always wanted to see one of those."

  Why had I thought I'd be able to discuss this with Tasha? What I really needed was to talk to Larissa, but I didn't know if we'd ever be able to talk again after our fight. If I chose Kegan, I'd definitely never talk to her again. She'd never forgive me.

  "Tasha, come on. That's not exactly the issue here."

  "So what is? Sounds like you kissed for a while and had a good time. Big deal."

  "I'm thinking about leaving Ian!"

  That got her attention. It got mine too. She stared at me, and I stared back as my words echoed in my head. That was what this was all about. Was I or was I not going to leave Ian for Kegan? I'd known it, of course, but hearing it said shocked me.

  "I can't believe you just said that," she said, her eyes wide.

  "Neithe
r can I." I felt tears rising, and forced them back down. I didn't have time for them. "But it's true."

  "Tell me what happened, then. It's not the kissing, is it? I mean, that's not why you want to-- you're thinking about--" She broke off, turning her hands palms up. "I can't even say it."

  "No, that's not why. It was amazing, but I'm not that stupid. It's everything else."

  Tasha furrowed her brow. "What everything else? I thought you and Ian were good, no?"

  I pulled my shoulders up to my ears and dropped them, feeling hopelessness sweep through me. "I thought so too. But if we're okay, then why would I be thinking about Kegan like that?"

  "Because Ian's away and you're lonely?" Her tone implied there could be no other explanation.

  I wasn't so sure. "It's not just that, though. I think Kegan really wants me back."

  "Who cares what he wants? What do you want?"

  I looked at her for a long moment before shaking my head slowly. "I have no idea."

  She looked even more stunned than before. "You're that evenly split between the two of them? Between the guy who broke your heart and your husband?"

  Put like that, it made no sense, but... "Kegan's really changed. I think it could work now."

  "So what?"

  I rubbed my eyes. "So maybe we're supposed to be together."

  "What about Ian?"

  "I don't know."

  "Did you sleep with Kegan?"

  "No! We were definitely heading in that direction, but I stopped it, so no."

  "I think you should."

  I spilled my own coffee that time. I'd been reaching for it, and my hand jerked and hit the cup when I realized what she'd said. Fortunately, the cup was half empty so the cleanup wasn't as intense as last time.

  As I mopped up the spill, I said, "You think I should sleep with him." A shiver slid down my spine at the thought. The intensity of those kisses, going so much further. I pushed it out of my mind. "Why?"

  "Because I don't think this is real."

  "He said--"

  "I'm sure he did. And he might even mean it. And you might even be falling for him again. But I bet a lot of it is just physical. If you sleep with him, you'd get that stuff out of your system and you'd be able to think better."

  "And then what, I tell Ian I slept with Kegan to save our marriage?"

  "No, you don't tell Ian anything."

  "I can't do something like that and not tell him. That's horrible."

  "Wouldn't telling him you're leaving him be kind of horrible too?"

  I leaned back in my chair. "Yes."

  "Then don't do it. Just stay with him."

  I felt my heart leap and pain shoot through me at the same time. "But I want Kegan too."

  "Pretty sure you can't have them both. Unless you're going to have Ian and keep Kegan on the side, and I don't think you want to do that."

  I shook my head. "Neither of them deserves that."

  "I know I don't know Kegan, but from what you and Larissa have said about him, I can't see why you're even considering him."

  "It ended badly, but we were really good together. Maybe we could be again."

  "But you're married," Tasha said.

  "I know! That's why I don't know what to do," I said, frustration growing in me. "You know what, forget it. I'll figure it out myself." I stood up and grabbed my purse.

  Tasha caught my arm. "Don't go."

  "Why not? This isn't helping," I snapped, then felt remorse flood me at the hurt look on her face.

  I sat down again. "Tash, I'm sorry. I really am. It's totally not your fault. I'm just so screwed up."

  "I want to help. I just don't know what to do."

  "That makes two of us," I said, and we smiled sadly at each other then sat in silence.

  "Want another coffee?"

  I nodded. "As long as we can manage not to spill it."

  "Have faith," she said, then patted me awkwardly on the hand and left the table.

  Have faith. In what? Kegan really having changed? Ian understanding what happened and still loving me? My ability to make the choice between them? I didn't exactly feel full of faith at the moment.

  I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. I'd made lots of decisions in my life, big ones and little ones. I just had to follow the same process and I'd be fine. I thought back, searching for the last time I'd made a serious decision. Thought back. And back.

  When Tasha returned, a coffee cup in each hand and a small paper bag dangling from her mouth, I started talking before she could set down her purchases.

  "How do you make decisions? I don't know how to do it."

  She put a cup in front of me and removed the bag from her mouth, then pulled a cookie from the bag and handed it to me. Taking her seat again, she took a sip of her coffee, her eyes thoughtful.

  I waited, shredding a napkin into tiny pieces, until finally she said, "I just do what feels right."

  "Feels right? What do you mean?"

  "I imagine myself doing something, and I see how it makes me feel."

  "That's it? You don't think about all the reasons for it or against it, or what other people will think, or anything like that?" It seemed too simple.

  She shook her head. "If it feels right, then it is. It always works." Leaning forward, she added, "Try it right now."

  "What, here? I can't."

  "Just do it. Close your eyes." When I had reluctantly done so, she added, "Okay, you're with Kegan. You're only with him. There's no other man in your life."

  "But there is," I protested, opening my eyes. "I can't just pretend Ian's gone."

  "You can for this. Eyes closed. Just try it!"

  I sat in silence, letting myself really imagine being with Kegan. Waking up beside him every morning, eating dinner at his restaurant, getting to know him all over again. We'd probably be out nearly every night, trying different restaurants and clubs, and we'd have a lot of fun together.

  There'd be a lot of passion too, if last night meant anything. I felt my heart speed up at the thought of making love with Kegan whenever I wanted, and I opened my eyes rather than dwell on it.

  "Well?"

  I considered. "It felt pretty good."

  "Just good? Tell me about it."

  "I think we'd go out a lot. Restaurants, that sort of thing."

  "But how does it feel?"

  I closed my eyes for a moment, letting my Kegan-filled existence wash over me. "Exciting," I said, opening my eyes. "Every day would be different and new."

  "Gotcha. Now, Ian."

  I closed my eyes again and brought Ian into my mind. The sadness of his parents' death rushed in, but I put it aside. That wasn't what our relationship was about. But what was it about?

  I thought, "I'm with Ian," and felt a gentle warmth shimmer through me. We'd stay home a lot watching movies and playing with Ninja, and have long talks about everything from the latest episode of CSI to whether we believed in reincarnation.

  The warm glow intensified as I thought about our lovemaking pre-Christmas. Ian wanted it most when we had the time to take it slow and enjoy it, so we didn't make love as often as I sometimes wished we did, but when it happened, it was always--

  The ringing of my cell phone made me jump and open my eyes. I pulled it from my purse and checked the screen.

  "Answer it if you want."

  I shook my head and held out the phone so that she could see the caller's name.

  "You don't want to talk to him? I'd have figured you would."

  "I do," I admitted, dropping the phone back into my purse, "but I told him I didn't want to see him until Monday."

  "A phone call isn't seeing," Tasha said. "Does it feel right to answer it?"

  As I considered, the phone stopped ringing. "So much for that," I said.

  "You want to know why he called, don't you?" Tasha said, giving me a sly smile.

  "If you want to know, I can check if he left a message."

  Tasha said, "The question is, do you want t
o know? Don't put it off on me."

  I stared at her, angry for a second and then stunned. "That's what I do, isn't it?"

  Tasha clearly hadn't meant her comment as seriously as I'd taken it. I looked into her puzzled eyes. "I put everything onto everyone else, I let everyone else decide."

  "No, you don't. You pick all sorts of things. You picked that car," she said, jerking her head in the direction of the parking lot where my car sat.

  "But I didn't, not really. I just saw it and liked it."

  "That's still making a decision. Even if you didn't think about it, you still chose."

  "I guess so." I'd thought I'd had something, something meaningful, but I was fast losing touch with my point.

  "So, decide. Do you want to know if he left a message?"

  I looked at her, unsure. I did want to know, but I was also scared of how I'd feel hearing his voice.

  "If he did, you can play it for me," she said, giving me a smile. "I've never heard him."

  I grabbed the phone from my purse. It did have a message, so I dialed the voicemail number, and after a few button presses was listening to Kegan's voice. Heat spread through me and I couldn't keep a smile from growing on my face.

  "Push seven," I said as I handed her the phone. She raised her eyebrows several times and giggled once as she listened, and fanned herself jokingly at the end.

  "Sexy voice," she said, holding out the phone. I took it, held it for a second, then gave her a sheepish smile and listened to the message again.

  "Candy, I know we're not supposed to see each other until Monday, but I can't stop thinking about you. I just wanted to tell you that. Of course, if you've changed your mind about not seeing me, call me. Actually, call me either way if you want to. I love talking to you. And I had an idea. I think we should go out this week. Oh wait, that's not how to ask a woman out. Candy, would you go out with me? Maybe Tuesday night? I'll take you out for dinner and anywhere else you want to go. I hear Paris is lovely this time of year. Anyhow, I'll see you on Monday. Have a good weekend."

  Kegan paused at the end and I'd thought he was finished, but then he added, his voice low and intimate, "I miss you. I hope you're thinking about us. I know I am."

  I deleted the message, put the phone back in my purse, and took a sip of my coffee before looking up at Tasha. She was grinning at me.