Life, Love, and a Polar Bear Tattoo

by Heather Wardell

  Larissa's eyes widened. "You didn't... did you?"

  I shook my head, then busied myself scraping the last remnants of nail polish from my thumb, giving the task my full attention. "I wanted to, though. I can't believe how much I wanted to. It was like I'd gone back in time, like I'd never met Ian."

  "Back to when life was easier."

  I looked up. "I didn't think it was easy then. Classes and tests and exams and all that."

  "It didn't seem easy then, no. But compared to now, with jobs and mortgages and credit card bills? I'd go back in a second."

  "Okay, let's go back together."

  She laughed. I didn't. She calmed herself quickly. "Are you serious?"

  "I'm thinking about becoming a designer, which means more school."

  "That's awesome. Does Ian know?"

  I shook my head. "I only really started thinking about it last week. There's still lots of time."

  She took a sip of her drink, eying me contemplatively. Setting the glass down, she said, "Will you redecorate my place for free?"

  "For you? Double the usual price," I said, and giggled at her look of mock outrage. Joking with Larissa again felt so good I was afraid to go on with the story. I hadn't realized how much I'd missed her.

  She must have felt the same way; she tapped her finger on the table and said, "Am I better off not hearing the rest of what happened?"

  "Maybe."

  We looked at each other for a second, then she said, "I'll risk it. Carry on."

  And so I did. I told her how Tasha and I had talked, and about trying to imagine being with each of the men. I didn't spare her about seeing Kegan after she'd yelled at me; she winced but was relieved to hear that I hadn't caved in and let him kiss me. I described our date the night before, and told her about the little bear he'd given me.

  "Does the box have a store address on it? We could take it back."

  I thought back but couldn't remember.

  "Well, let me know. I'll go with you to return it if you want. Then you could buy something else, maybe something for Ian."

  The bear was a work of art, but keeping it after Kegan had given it to me didn't seem right. I didn't know what to do with it.

  Finally, I tried to explain how the near car accident that day had made everything so clear to me. I couldn't do it justice, but she seemed to understand.

  "I actually had a bit of that after Ian's parents died," she admitted. "Just realizing how short life is, and how you never know what's going to happen."

  I nodded. "It's strange, though, because Lou and I were never really at risk. I didn't even take my foot off the brake."

  "Sure, but if you had..."

  "Yeah," I said, and we sat silent for a moment.

  "So, you told Kegan it wasn't happening. What did he say?"

  "At the time, nothing."

  She raised an eyebrow, and I added, "He called me before you did."

  The eyebrow went a little higher. I sighed. "He told me he loves me, and I should call him if I change my mind."

  Larissa frowned. "Nothing else?"

  I thought back. "No, not really. Why, what were you expecting?"

  "I'd have thought he'd have pressured you, tried to get you to go for him."

  I shook my head. "He didn't do anything like that. He didn't even kiss me when I told him not to, even though he knew I wanted him to." I sighed again. "He was the perfect gentleman, really."

  She didn't look convinced, but let it go. "And now what?"

  "Well, I'm still supposed to be working with him, but I think I'm going to get out of it. It'll just be too hard. No idea how I'm going to do that, but I will."

  "And then Ian comes back on Saturday."

  "Yep, and we just move on."

  "Are you going to tell him?"

  My cell phone rang, saving me from admitting that I didn't know. I looked at the screen and said, "It's my mom. Do you mind?"

  She shook her head and I answered the phone.

  "Candice, your dad and I wondered if you might like to come over for dinner tomorrow night. I have something to give you, something for Ian."

  "Sure," I said. "What is it?"

  She gave that tinkly little laugh that felt like tiny knives scraping their way down my spine. "You'll find out tomorrow."

  We ended the call and I rolled my eyes. "She's got something for Ian."

  "Dagger? Poisoned apple?"

  "Probably, or something worse."

  "Well, be sure to tell me what it is. Okay, so, are you going to tell him?"

  I gave a huge sigh. "I don't know."

  Larissa looked at me, her face still and strangely sad. "I wouldn't tell, Candice. I wouldn't want to risk it."

  "Risk it?"

  She finished her drink and lined her cutlery up perfectly on the edge of her plate before she continued. "Risk losing Ian."

  A wave of coldness rolled down my spine. "Losing him? What do you mean?"

  "You're going to tell him you cheated on him," she said slowly, as if explaining something to a child. "How do you think he's going to react? If I had a marriage as good as yours, I wouldn't risk losing it. I'd keep my mouth shut."

  I struggled to find a reply, but Larissa was quicker. "Hell, if I had any marriage at all I'd keep quiet."

  I hadn't thought Larissa had any interest in being married. She'd always been wildly enthusiastic about the single life and her freedom. My face must have shown my confusion, because she said, with an odd gruffness in her voice, "I know, I say I don't want to get married. Most of the time I don't, but sometimes... sometimes it's damn hard to be single."

  I nodded slowly, unsure of what to say. "I can understand that," I said finally, when the silence had stretched to near agonizing lengths.

  Larissa dropped her napkin on the floor, and bent down to retrieve it. When she came back up, her mascara was smudged, as though she'd wiped her eyes while under the table. She drew in a deep breath, and said, "Of course, sometimes it's damn hard to be married, isn't it?"

  I fought back tears. "It is. Oh, Larissa, I can't believe I--"

  The tears came in earnest this time, and I couldn't hold them back. I ducked my head down to try to hide them from the other patrons.

  "You know how I feel about honesty, but there's such a thing as being too honest, and this would be too honest. He doesn't need to know. I think you should never tell anyone else, and we should both forget about it."

  I wiped my eyes and nodded. "You... you really think I shouldn't tell him?"

  "I do. It's not going to help, and I think it'll just make everything worse."

  I wasn't going to tell Ian. I tried again to imagine living the rest of my life with this secret. Imagine myself kissing Ian, going to bed with Ian, loving Ian, without him ever knowing.

  Larissa was right. I had to live with this burden myself. I managed to smile at her and she reached out and awkwardly patted my hand.

  "It'll be okay, chickie, you'll see."

  "Oh, I hope so."

  As I picked at my food, I said, "I think you're right that I shouldn't tell Ian. But what happens if he finds out?"

  Larissa nodded slowly. "Well, if he finds out, I guess you'd have to tell him the truth, that you didn't tell him because it was a mistake, a one-time mistake, and you didn't want to hurt him by letting him know."

  "Do you think he'd be all right with that?"

  "Well, I doubt he'd be thrilled, but I do think he'd understand. Ian's an understanding guy, isn't he?"

  Oh, yes, he was. Ian was a great guy, way better than I deserved. I wasn't fit to worship the ground he walked on. He was just so much better than I was in every--

  "Don't do that."

  Startled, I looked up at Larissa. "Do what?"

  "Were you thinking about how much better Ian is than you are?"

  "Wow. How'd you know that?"

  "Because."

  "Because how?"

  Larissa looked at me speculatively for a moment, and then seemed to come
to a decision. "Because I did that when I cheated on Steve."

  When she what? "You cheated? I didn't know that."

  She smiled. "Of course you didn't, because I take my own advice."

  Steve and Larissa had dated four years ago. They'd broken up in a most amiable fashion, both wanting different things, and were still good friends. "But... what happened?"

  "It's actually very similar to your situation," Larissa said, waving at our waitress and pointing at our empty martini glasses. Receiving a smile and a thumbs-up in return, she continued. "I was drunk and got hit on at a bar. Before I knew it, we were out back by the dumpster."

  "By the dumpster?" I said in disbelief.

  "I'm afraid so."

  "And you never told Steve?"

  "Not a word. It was a mistake, I knew it would never happen again, and there was nothing to be gained, for me or for Steve, by telling him. So I didn't."

  "Hmmm," I said, trying to incorporate this into my view of Larissa.

  "But after I decided not to tell him, I kept feeling so bad about it that I started acting like a martyr. You know, doing only what he wanted me to do, thinking he was so much better a person than I was... that's what really broke us up. He got fed up with me, and I just couldn't believe I deserved him."

  "Wow," I said, smiling at our waitress as she delivered our drinks.

  "Yeah, wow."

  "Larissa," I said hesitantly, "do you really think it'll be all right? Me and Ian, I mean."

  Larissa smiled at me. "Absolutely."

  "But..."

  "But what?"

  I sighed. "But you don't know something."

  She raised an eyebrow and waited.

  I didn't quite know how to say it. "But... see... Kegan really wanted me."

  "No doubt."

  "No," I said, frustration growing as I couldn't find the right words. "He doesn't have to want me, but he did. I want that."

  Larissa stared at me as though I'd sprouted another head. "You want Kegan to want you?"

  "No, I want Ian to want me like that."

  "Doesn't he?"

  "He has to want me."

  Apparently I'd grown a fourth head. "He does? Really?"

  "Well, yeah, because we're married."

  "Oh, because marriages never break up, and people in marriages want each other all the time." She dropped the sarcasm as she went on. "Candice, is that why you went for Kegan?"

  I stared at the tablecloth.

  "I've seen how Ian looks at you when he doesn't think anyone's looking at him. I was there when you guys got together for the first time, remember? He wants you. And he loves you."

  "I'm an idiot," I said, still eying the tablecloth. "It was just so nice to have him wanting me so much. It made me feel special."

  "Maybe you should think about how special having Ian want you is."

  I rubbed my eyes. "Do you think we'll be okay?"

  "It might not be quite like it was before, but I think it can be better. You chose to stay with him, and you can still trust him to be there for you. And he can trust you."

  "I guess so."

  She looked quizzical.

  "Well, I wasn't very trustworthy this time."

  "That was a mistake. Ian wouldn't damn you for a mistake like that. Would you damn him for one?"

  I shook my head.

  "There you go."

  We finished our dinner, talking about various inconsequential things. The bill came, and I insisted on paying for Larissa. She refused at first, but gave way when I told her I really wanted to. She's a good friend that way.

  As we left, she said, "I'm off to Chapters. Want to come with?"

  "You know, I've been there too much lately. I think I'll pass."

  Larissa stopped dead and gave a good impression of a woman having a heart attack. "You.... not going to Chapters... the world's gone mad!"

  I slapped Larissa lightly on the arm, and she laughed. "Sorry, it's just so unusual."

  "I know, I know... would it help if I told you I have about ten new novels at home waiting to be read?"

  "I think that would make the world seem more normal, yes."

  "Well, then, I have twenty."

  "Ahhh, everything's settling into place again."

  I laughed, and gave Larissa a huge hug. We're not usually the huggy types, but today seemed to be the right time. She squeezed me tight, whispered in my ear, "It'll be fine," and headed off to Chapters, waving as she went with the hand not clutching her birthday present, which I'd somehow remembered to bring along.

  I waved back, then turned and went home. I had a lot of work to do on my house. For my husband. Not because he was better than me. But just because he deserved it.

  Wednesday, August 24th

  As Lou passed by my desk on the way to the coffee machine, I gathered my courage and said, "Lou?"

  He stopped. "What's up? I don't have much time today so you'll have to solve your own problems."

  That was what I was trying to do. I didn't exactly feel encouraged, but I went on regardless. "Could I meet with you for a few minutes? Even one minute?"

  His eyes flicked to the clock on the wall above the door. "Give me ten minutes and then come on in."

  "Thanks," I said as he left my desk.

  Ten minutes in which to sit and stew, lovely. The only way I was going to get out of working with Kegan was to throw myself on Lou's mercy.

  If he had any.

  My phone rang and my heart picked up its pace considerably. I looked at the call display screen: no indication that it would be Kegan. Still, I had to force myself to answer it.

  Joy. Not Kegan. An incredibly dull client with some incredibly dull questions about his rather dull restaurant. Exactly what I needed to distract me. Our conversation went on for a little while, during which I saw Lou returning to his office.

  When the questions were finally done, I said goodbye to the dull little man. Hanging up the phone, I felt my heart starting another little dancing session in my chest, but walked as calmly as I could to Lou's office. I knocked, he called out, "Come in," and I did, closing the door behind me.

  He folded his hands in front of him on his huge desk and waited. I sat down in his visitor chair and took a deep breath. I'd practiced and practiced this discussion on my way to work, but now my mind was a blank. All of my carefully planned phrases, gone, just like the day I tried to give a speech in my fourth grade class. I stared at him for a panicky second, and then pulled myself together. The prepared speech was gone, but I had to say something.

  "Lou, I can't work with Kegan any more."

  He raised an eyebrow at this. "Oh, really."

  "This is embarrassing, but I have to tell you. I didn't tell you the truth when you first asked me to work with him. I do think I have the knowledge and experience to do the client contact. It's just Kegan I can't work with, at least not any more."

  Lou's curiosity had been piqued, I could tell. He leaned forward slightly in his chair. "And why is that?"

  I took such a deep breath that I felt my ribs creaking, and said, before I could stop myself, "We used to date, and it's difficult for me to work with him."

  He pondered this for a second. "You agreed to do it. Why are you backing out now?"

  I started to babble some nonsense about having realized that it would be more difficult than I'd expected, but Lou cut me off. "Did you see Kegan on the weekend?"

  I stared at him. He must have been able to tell from my shocked face that he'd hit home. He sighed. "He phoned here right after you girls left on Friday. He asked to speak to you, and I told him you'd all gone out dancing."

  "How..." I didn't know how to finish the sentence.

  "How did I know that you were all going out, and where you were going?"

  I nodded. We'd been very careful not to discuss it within Lou's earshot because we knew Richard wasn't keen on us socializing.

  He gave me the first real smile I'd had from him in weeks. "Candice, I pay attention. Richard exp
ects me to know what's going on."

  I had a brief insane impulse to ask him if he and Richard knew about my tattoo, but fortunately he was continuing to talk. "Did... something happen with you and Kegan on Friday?"

  I closed my eyes and said, "Yes."

  "So that's the real reason you didn't want to work with him before. Too much tension between you?"

  I felt tears at the back of my eyes, fighting to be released, but I blinked hard and nodded. I would not cry.

  Lou said, "See, I actually thought you didn't want to be bothered with the client contact."

  I said quickly, "Not at all. I'm very interested."

  He nodded, looking at me thoughtfully. "Just not with Kegan."

  "Right."

  He took a sip of his coffee, then said, "All right, then. I'll look for another opportunity for you and I will take over the last meetings for Kegan's restaurant."

  I started to thank him, but he talked over me. "Candice, you need to understand something. I considered letting you go over this."

  He paused as if waiting for my response, but I didn't have one.

  "You really didn't seem interested in being involved and I felt insulted that you assumed I didn't know whether you were ready."

  I hung my head as he continued to talk. I'd handled it so badly.

  "You certainly don't need to give me all your personal details, but don't lie to me again. You should have told me you have history with Kegan and it would make you too uncomfortable to work with him. I might have still tried to encourage you to do it but I wouldn't have forced you. Do you see what I mean?"

  "I do," I said, and then part of my prepared speech came back into my brain. "I really am sorry I let you down, Lou, and I promise it won't happen again."

  "Good," Lou said. I got up to leave.

  "One more thing, Candice."

  I stood awkwardly, not sure whether to sit back down.

  "Are you going to tell your husband what happened?"

  I sat down. "I don't plan to."

  Lou tilted his head slightly to the side and looked at me. "You might want to reconsider that."

  I felt outrage beginning to grow in me. Totally not his business. It must have shown in my face, because Lou said calmly, "Of course, it's not any of my concern what you do in your private life. I will say, though, that if Ian finds out on his own, it will be much worse for him, and for you, than if you tell him."