Fear and Aggression

by Dane Bagley

Mike, like everyone else, was feeling edgy. It didn’t help that his job description had, essentially, become non-existent over the past several weeks. They were in a perfect 3D orbit, and he had not needed to fire the engines. Maintenance and other daily, menial tasks were completed within the first couple of hours of his shifts. Talking, card games, and reading filled up the rest of his time. Kenny and James were primarily doing the planetary observations and research. He helped them from time to time, but found himself as much in the way as providing any assistance to them. The mission prerogatives were well completed by now; so, they too were generally left with a plethora of time on their hands. The next stages of research, for everyone, would require going to the planet and testing directly, or would require more subjects. All of this was currently out of the question.

  Steve was the exception on the ship. He was absorbed constantly in his duties: dealing with Central Command, learning Aspiria’s language, and preparing reports. Central Command spent hours with him each day, and he always returned from his briefings looking worn and stressed. He seemed to enjoy his language sessions, and he, perhaps more than because of duty, spent the hours trying to get away from his other stresses.

  Mike was on the deck alone, and trying to read, but unable to get into his book. Steve walked in from his meeting with Central Command. Mike looked up, expecting him. Lately they had not talked much, mostly because of Steve’s schedule, but also because of the secret that they shared. Steve was supposed to man the deck, and Mike started to get up.

  “Do you have a few minutes?” Steve asked.

  “If there is one thing that I’ve got, it’s time. What can I do for you, Captain?”

  “Have I mentioned my little brother to you before?”

  “Yeah, I think you have…Mark, isn’t it?”

  “Things are getting bad back home. He took a real bad beating. Sent him to the hospital with a bad concussion, and broken ribs…all because he is my brother. Central Command is considering requesting protection for our families. I’ve got to get back to Mark. He only has me and our grandfather; I don’t think Gramps is up to the job, not with all this going on.”

  “They’re not going to let you go back to earth, now, are they?”

  “I haven’t spoken about it with Central Command. Look, you know what’s going on with Tammy and me.” He dropped his voice, and then got up and closed the door to the bridge. He also disengaged the microphones. “If we come clean, it may allow me to take the fall for this mission, and then the President and Central Command can save face. I’ll go home disgraced; but, hey, it looks like that is happening anyway. Then, I can focus on helping Mark, and starting my own family. Maybe when things calm down, I’ll be looked at sympathetically, and have some place in this whole history. Either way, what I care about most is helping out Mark, Tammy, and our new little one. The rest of us all want to get out of here for now. Another mission, with more objectives, might bring anyone who wants to come back; but we are wasting our time at this point. I think that it’s well past time for Aspiria to get back to her family.”

  “Are they going to let you just send her back? ‘Thanks for coming to space camp—don’t forget to write!’”

  “I’ve told her that she will go back home. She deserves nothing less. She could be a real asset for future missions. She and I are the only ones who can actually communicate with each other’s species, and I may not be getting an ambassador ship anytime soon with what I am about to explain to them. We are going to need friends on that planet. If I’ve done anything right, it’s that I haven’t alienated the alien.”

  “The people on earth are freaked out about her and the rest of them. I know it’s crazy, but what will happen if we let her go, and then she shares all that she knows about us, which is a lot, with them? I like her a lot, but I don’t think that we can just say, ‘thanks for your time, enjoy your life.’ There is no way she is just going back.”

  “I trust her. She is good. I think that she trusts me, and I am not going to let her down,” Steve said, more forcefully than he intended.

  “Would you do it on your own accord, or disobey Central Command? If you do, Tammy’s pregnancy will be the least of your concerns. I don’t mind keeping quiet about the baby, but I have a career in front of me. I won’t help you disobey orders.”

  “You don’t think that it will come to that, do you?” Steve asked more softly.

  “I don’t know. The way you are talking, and everything that’s going on, I’m just saying…”

  “Tammy said the same thing yesterday. But, I think that I still have some clout…maybe not after I reveal the pregnancy, though. I may need to work on getting Aspiria back first, and then spill the beans. It’s not going to be pretty, no matter how I look at this.” He sat quietly for a few minutes. “No, I’ve got to get the ball rolling and get back. It will be better for everyone. No one at Central Command, nor the President, has any idea what to do at this point. If I let them know, it will get things going, and I think I can manage to get her back at that point.”

  “Is Tammy in on you spilling the beans?”

  “She has been in on everything from the beginning, that’s how these things work. We share the consequences.”

  “Yeah, but does she agree to it…this way?” said Mike looking his Captain directly in the eyes.

  “I’m going to talk with her right now. Do you mind keeping the deck a little longer? I’m not overworking you, am I?” Mike was feeling underworked, but sitting on the bridge, reading a book, wasn’t much work, either.

  “No problem,” Mike responded.

  “Thanks for talking with me. I’m glad that you are here.” Steve meant it sincerely.

  Mike gave him a friendly solute and returned to his book.

  Steve headed towards the lab. He was relieved to find Tammy alone; Aspiria was cooking with Bob and Danny. Steve shut and locked the lab door, causing Tammy to turn around and look at him curiously. They were used to looking for ways to talk privately, but Steve had never been so overt before.

  “We’ve got to talk,” he said.

  “I can see that,” she said motioning to the door with her head.

  “My little brother took a bad beating, all because of me, and our mission. I’m ready to get back. It’s time to help my family—him, and us.” He tried to smile sweetly, but the sorrow and strain that he was immersed with showed through too much. Tammy did not speak or offer an expression. “Like I said yesterday, I’m ready to confess and get this over with. I think that we can all be back on earth soon, and move on with better things. This mission is all wound up anyway; it’s time to get going.”

  “Steve, I know that you have a lot going on. But you don’t listen very well. I’m not confessing to anything. I’m going to get everything back on track. It may take a while, and it may not go as I had envisioned it, but I still possess the most important scientific research in centuries. I am not giving it up.”

  “They are going to find out. Confessing may help…”

  “No one is going to find out anything.”

  “How? What do you mean?”

  She looked down, and then away. Her tears were all dried up, but the emotion returned. She paused for several moments, and then looked at him. His face did not show any hint of understanding. “I told you that I didn’t want that child. I aborted it last night. I’m not pregnant anymore; it’s over…it’s all over.”

  Steve felt a sickness, and a sadness, growing profoundly within him. It had never occurred to him that she would do this on her own. He thought that she was just trying to help—to consider her options. She was scared, and this was just one possible scenario. He looked at her with shock. He did not feel any anger, it was something beyond anger that he felt towards her. He was heartbroken, he was disillusioned, and he felt overwhelming sorrow. He had a child that was now gone. He had found the woman with whom he wanted to spend the rest of his
life, to make a family with, and experience all the joys and sorrows thereof together. It was as though he was looking at a familiar face, but seeing a complete stranger. The only word that came to his mind was, why? But he could not bring himself to ask. He could not bring himself to say anything; it did not seem like it would matter.

  Tammy was getting uncomfortable in the silence. She, too, looked like she wanted speak, but could not bring herself to it. She came up and embraced him. To which he did not return the embrace. She did not hold tight, seeing that it was not being returned, but neither did she let go. He did not back away, or reject her advance, but stood there as a statue for some seconds. He slowly brought his arms up and placed them on her back lightly, more as a gesture of politeness than anything else, as he certainly felt no closeness to her at this moment. Numbness was all he felt.

  As she continued to hold on, some feeling began to return, and at first it manifested itself as anger; but he would not dignify that. “I don’t know what to say,” he finally said calmly and deliberately.

  “I thought that you would be upset, but that we’d get over it. Now, I don’t know what to think. I didn’t think that it meant this much to you.”

  “You’re right; we really aren’t ready for a family. We don’t know each other at all.” Still there was no sign of anger; he was just verbalizing the thoughts that were entering his mind.

  She backed out of the embrace with her hands holding onto his biceps and looked at his eyes, which were not looking at hers; he stared into the distance. After a moment, he did look at her face. He could see that her eyes were red, and he could see the tear stains around her eyes. She had been crying. It occurred to him, for the first time, that she had gone through this alone, and that it was not easy for her. His heart, that had its door slammed shut, opened just a bit. He felt a hint of tenderness and sorrow for what she had been going through.

  She noticed the change in his countenance, and felt some relief. “How is your brother?” The change in subject was awkward, but so was the current state of things.

  “Not good. He was beaten very badly…he’s only thirteen years old; it was all because of me—because of this mission.”

  “Are you going to try to get back home?”

  He looked her square in the eyes and didn’t speak for several seconds. She felt uncomfortable in his glance, but dared not look away. “He’s going to get protection now. I have no reason to leave this mission. I’m going to finish up this mission right, and then go home and make sure that he is okay.”

  She could feel the significance of his words. His brother had been the final straw, allowing him to have the courage to do what he felt that he had to do for her, and the fetus she had just aborted. He loved his brother, and he did want to help him; but going home and giving everything up would have been for her.

  Now that had all changed, and the loss that she had been feeling was magnified, and clearer. It was her relationship with Steve that she felt the most sorrow over, not the baby. It would have been so much easier if he was angry and they had fought. Feelings would have been hurt, but they could have had it out; and then, maybe, they could make up and get the relationship back to where she wanted it to be. But this was different. There was no fight, no anger, and no words spoken that should not have been. There was nothing for him to apologize for, or for him to feel remorse for. There was a chasm between them, and he had not created it: she had. She had nothing to apologize for; she was not sorry that she had aborted the child. She was sorry that there was this chasm, but saying ‘I’m sorry,’ wouldn’t express that. Her feminine charms were not going to have any effect at this time; that was clear as well. He loved her, and because of the pain that she was going through his heart had shown some softening, but, how much, and for how long it would last, she did not know.

  “I don’t think that it will be long before our mission is over; it does seem that everything is wrapping up. I hope that he’s okay.”

  “Thank you, Tammy. How are you feeling? Do you need anything? Do you need some time off?”

  “I’ve bled a lot, and I’ve been cramping. I’ve been a little weak at times. I don’t know. I took some time, yesterday. I’ll take time, or rest, as I need it. I’ll let you know.”

  “Alright…I’m needed on deck, I need to relieve Mike.”

  “Okay. Goodbye,” she said as he walked toward the labs shut door. He did not turn around, or say ‘goodbye.’

  Chapter 41